Need Advice On Convincing Partner To Let Her Little Out

[Guest 3dDomD]

This is pretty complicated. I'll try to keep it simple. I've been having a LDR with a woman since our spouses had an affair. Yeah, I know! Recently we discovered a mutual interest in BDSM. Neither of us had ever discussed it before. Then we found out she had a little. About 12yrs. While she's comfortable with BDSM she is unnerved by her Little because her Little is very sexual. I want to help her to come to terms with her Little as I can see it will benefit her a lot - has anyone any advice on how I encourage her to let her Little out?

[Guest Princessaj]

Nice of you to ask us.

 

Thoughts...

 

Is there a reason that her being little and sexual is not a good thing? Is there something in her past that she is not dealing with? Was she molested and now its coming out in her play time? You don't have to tell us, maybe visit the topic with her to get her talking. Then if there is a trauma that plagues her, help her find a therapist so she can work on being free of whatever it is. There are some therapists that suggest to patients to be little to help them de-stress and other benefits.

 

She may also be more sexual as a little because she thinks thats what you want, so she is trying to please you an its coming back to bite her. Take a broader, deeper view of each of your roles. Don't go into sexy time and stay there.

 

On the other hand...this is a recent discovery and each of you are going to go through growing pains in your respective roles. Both of you should study the DDlg Lifestyle like its a class. You, to understand her role, she, to understand your role and you both, to understand being a couple in the DDlg Lifestyle.

 

Expand to encompass what little activities she likes or wants to try. littles like so many things, coloring, bubbles, chalk on sidewalk, crafts, cooking, baking, park, zoo, picnics, Disney, Pixar, dancing, playing dress up, singing ,,,Even in a LDR you can take each other along to do activities on your mobile on Skype and Facetime. I take my friends shopping with me so I can show them what I like. I eat meals out with friends even if they are half way around the world. 

 

Will you help her with her little goals, tasks, chores and keeping healthy? Use charts and apps to show your mutual understanding of what you have agreed to and keep you involved.

 

Lead by example and make little and Daddy friends. Encourage her to do the same. She will be encouraged by reading about other littles and their experiences. She should have her own little identity. Not just as being in the relationship. littles don't always have Daddies. They are little at their own speed in their own time

 

The more you show all the different things that there are to do, the more you both will find yourselves. Hugs

[Guest Keks]

Everything Princessaj said and also, have you talked about her feelings and thoughts on this at all? When I first started to discover this site of me, I was kinda under the impression that sexual thoughts would be a no go. Maybe she thinks it's wrong? Or is having trouble to merge her sexual desires with being little?

[LittleMistressJessiya]

yeah i would talk to her.

 

but i also agree with Keks here... maybe she just thinks its wrong.

 

if there is no case of molestation, then tell her that it's okay, and show her it's okay if you have to. i mean my little can be sexual at times, but is otherwise rather innocent. there ARE people out there where their little soul is their sexual and devious thoughts. i frequently call myself a "nymphet" when refering to my persona.

[Daisies&Donuts]

I'm going to wager a guess here, just so that the info is available. If your little is uncomfortable being little and being sexual it could be due to a stigma that children are not sexual. Children should not be sexual *with adults*  *nor with other people of any age* . However, it is perfectly normal for children as young as 5 to experience sexual stimulation and  thoughts - they can't fully comprehend it, I hope. The first step for many is to acknowledge that, while it is taboo for children to be thought of sexually, that doesn't mean that they, themselves, do not have sexual experiences. If she had sexual thoughts as a kid and thought it was taboo and she shouldn't be thinking it, it might still bother her that she felt sexual at that age. If that is the case, you'll have to encourage her little to understand that such thoughts are normal AND YOU'RE BOTH NOW ADULTS, so it's ok for her to give in to the fantasies and thoughts she had at those young ages NOW THAT SHE'S AN ADULT. 

 

The idea, for me, is that now, as an adult, you can experience the things you were denied as a child. It doesn't matter if those things were denied for a reason. Maybe you wanted to drink wine when you were a kid, or smoke cigarettes. You were denied because those things are not ok for kids, but YOU AREN'T A KID NOW. If you thought about sex as a kid, that's normal, and now that you are an adult, you can experience that in a state of regression, and that is also ok. 

 

You should also discuss whether or not any trauma happened around that age. Was she abused? Did someone important die? Etc. Just make sure that it is dealt with appropriately before pushing anything. 

 

Remember to take your time - both of you - and go slow. If her little is insecure, then let her lead the way. Give her lots of structure and don't be afraid to say "not yet" - just so that she knows you are in control. Knowing that you are in the lead is essential to her sense of stability and security. (I am assuming you are dominant in this scenario. If you aren't, you may want to discuss the option of taking on the dominant role when she is little for the reasons stated).

[Guest 3dDomD]

Thank for all your replies everyone. Abuse crossed my mind but knowing her as well as I do I know it's far too early to ask. Plus I doubt it. I have suggested she see a therapist because of issues regarding the breakdown of her marriage. She has so far refused. She's clearly afraid of looking inside herself. And she said if she ever did, she would never discuss the BDSM or her little. Also our relationship is very 'delicate'. She is a teacher so that may complicate things for her - though she admits her Little might be part of the reason she is so good at it. And her favourite age group to teach is 12yr olds. I don't know. She's only gone into her child headspace four times with me although she admitted today she often goes there but never realised what it was before. Her husband used to tell her she often seemed more like a 12 year old but he has no idea about her little. Bottom line - she has told me she feels there is something wrong with her, that a 10-12yr old Little should not be sexual. I did tell her we would avoid the sexual side but she got carried away and I made the mistake of letting her. She promptly shut down and said she couldn't do it anymore. But last weekend during a BDSM scene (LDR) she went into her child headspace during aftercare and she was fine with that. Yes, I'm the dominant. I can see I have to keep control of her sexual little until she is comfortable with someone knowing she has a little. Then somehow get her to accept the sexual aspect. I can see it will do her a lot of good to have a Daddy (even LDR) and to be able to trust them. Trust is something she really struggles with now after what happened in her marriage. More than anything, I want her to know she can trust me with this side of her.

 

Btw Daisies&Donuts. It's fascinating you mention death of a loved one as possible cause. My grandfather died when I was 13. I was estranged from my parents (both too wrapped up in their own problems to be decent parents) and he was the only relative I felt connected to. Losing him was devastating for me.

 

One last thing - because I'm knew to this and have been kinda thrown in at the deep end I'm trying to learn as much as I can as fast as I can so I don't mess up. This person is VERY important to me and I need to get it right. Are there any books or resources that do a good job of outlining basic concepts that I can then build on.

 

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much I appreciate all your replies.

Edited December 15, 2016 by 3dDomD

[LoralieHaze]

 

One last thing - because I'm knew to this and have been kinda thrown in at the deep end I'm trying to learn as much as I can as fast as I can so I don't mess up. This person is VERY important to me and I need to get it right. Are there any books or resources that do a good job of outlining basic concepts that I can then build on.

 

I have two suggestions:

1. Read this post.
2. Before the two of you go any further, inform her that you are in the process of looking for someone else. From what you're telling us, she's seems to be in a very vulnerable place right now and I would really hate for her to get to a point where he trusts you fully with her little side and then she finds out that you're moving next year and that you have another little and/or want to find one. She deserves complete honesty, especially after being cheated on before.

[Daisies&Donuts]

Btw Daisies&Donuts. It's fascinating you mention death of a loved one as possible cause. My grandfather died when I was 13. I was estranged from my parents (both too wrapped up in their own problems to be decent parents) and he was the only relative I felt connected to. Losing him was devastating for me.

 

 

That is exactly the same thing that happened to me at 13 which is probably what made me think of it. Truthfully, a lot of people don't experience the death of a close loved one until they are on the verge of puberty which seems to make it extra traumatizing. Of course, puberty itself can be pretty traumatic, so it makes sense to go back to that place in regression. It also makes sense that someone might experience feelings of guilt associated with that - associated with puberty, death and/or developing sexuality. Especially if they grew up in a strict religious household or similar.

 

If she is still deciding what to do about her husband/marriage, all of this is going to be that much more difficult for her. Remind her to be patient with herself and the relationship and enforce it if need be.

 

It sounds like you're doing pretty good. Mistakes are how you learn, so as long as you don't make the same mistakes over and over, don't worry too much.

 

Ddlginfo.com is a good place to explore. Here is a page about your role as a Daddy Dom. http://www.ddlginfo.com/your-role-as-a-daddy-dom.html

 

And here is another link you both might want to browse, though it might not all pertain to your situation. http://www.fearlesspress.com/2013/08/02/a-ddlg-relationship-starting-out/

Edited December 15, 2016 by Daisies&Donuts

[Daisies&Donuts]

You might want to check out some of the responses here as well. Looks like some good info.

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/15801-alright-so-i-need-some-help/?do=findComment&comment=84099

[Guest 3dDomD]

She knows I'm looking for someone else. She suggested it. Also, if I move I'm moving to the city she is in. So that's okay. Edited December 16, 2016 by 3dDomD

[Guest 3dDomD]

Thanks again everyone. I've just been talking to her for the last few hours. Reassuring her not to be afraid of her little. That I'll look after her and that I won't allow her little to do anything sexual until she is comfortable with her little being non-sexual. She is clearly wanting to explore it but worries about it being 'wrong'. But I think she is reassured that I'm so keen for her to explore it and that I genuinely adore that side of her. I may take down my request for another little. It was her idea while she was having major doubts about her Little but as of the last few hours she seems a bit more confident and I really only want her as a little.