I feel like I'm being rude?

[Guest Ginger]

First, in regards to an older post I made... the guy was leading me on, so we broke up. We'd hardly been dating a month and I dropped it, took some time to myself until about 5 days ago when me and someone else made it official. No judging please?

 

But, onto what I'm kinda worried about right now?

So... I'm not accustomed to someone being very physically affectionate? Like kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling...

 

My new bf (Lets call him.. Toby) loves all of that. To be honest I don't mind a little bit of kissing or holding hands, hugging or cuddling, but too much of it and, well... the best way to explain it is a cat. They're all cuddly and want attention one minute and the next they have an attitude about it and want nothing to do with the person.

 

Like my last serious relationship was long distance (we'd lived together for awhile before I had to move) and he wasn't physically affectionate at all, which suited me fine. Toby though is here in person, so we can see each other basically anytime (he literally lives across the courtyard from me). I've been used to having my space and time to myself since I broke up with my ex almost 7 months ago. I can only spend maybe a day and a half with him right now before I feel myself getting frustrated and have to ask for a day or two to myself so I can kinda recharge and whatnot. He's extremely kind and understanding with it, doesn't fuss over it. He messages me and checks in, seeing how I'm doing, doesn't just invite himself over.

 

I just feel really rude about this. He's admitted that he hasn't dated anyone in a few years now and for being the first person he's dated in that long... well I just feel bad for only spending a day or so with him and then just texting sparingly for about two days before I see him again. Do you think I'm being rude about this? >_<  Or is anyone else this way and if so, how does your partner/gf/bf take this? or vice versa?

[Antoinette]

I don't think you're being rude whatsoever - you sound like an everyday introvert to me! I understand how you feel and perhaps as you both progress within your relationship you'll both learn how to cope with each other and learn what you do and don't like; he'll learn to be less touchy-feely and perhaps you'll learn to want physical affection more.

 

Of course, some things don't change and that's not exactly a problem but sometimes it will lead to unhappiness within the relationship. You have to figure out whether the physicality of your relationship is really important with him and how he feels about you being distant; he may feel like he's not good enough or he's being pushed away because you're not attracted to him - it can really wear down a person's psyche. 

 

I would suggest communication, answering some hard questions within yourself as well as answering some of his questions (if he has any) and asking questions of your own. The only way to find out if he thinks you're rude is to ask him about it.

[Guest Ginger]

I don't think you're being rude whatsoever - you sound like an everyday introvert to me! I understand how you feel and perhaps as you both progress within your relationship you'll both learn how to cope with each other and learn what you do and don't like; he'll learn to be less touchy-feely and perhaps you'll learn to want physical affection more.

 

Of course, some things don't change and that's not exactly a problem but sometimes it will lead to unhappiness within the relationship. You have to figure out whether the physicality of your relationship is really important with him and how he feels about you being distant; he may feel like he's not good enough or he's being pushed away because you're not attracted to him - it can really wear down a person's psyche. 

 

I would suggest communication, answering some hard questions within yourself as well as answering some of his questions (if he has any) and asking questions of your own. The only way to find out if he thinks you're rude is to ask him about it.

 

I spoke to him yesterday about this and he insists that I'm not being rude... I just feel like it, regardless. I guess it's just me. I'm not used to asking someone for space, I usually just grin and bear it. But my therapist was adamant that I start setting boundaries for myself, so that's what I'm trying to do... Toby said he's fine with it, he's willing to wait as long as he has to for me to be comfortable with him. I added that I'm not really one to initiate like, kissing (I'm ok with a quick kiss.. just not make out sessions) or cuddling, etc. and he also said he's ok with that, he's perfectly find starting all of it.

 

I'm really not used to someone being so.. kind about this? Like all the guys I knew in the past got extremely upset about it, thought I was cheating when I wanted time to myself (even just a few hours at a park) so I'm kind of nervous. He doesn't push me when I say no, doesn't belittle me, doesn't.. do anything wrong. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for him to blow up about something small and insignificant but I know he's not like that. It's wrong to compare him to my ex's and I'm trying hard not too... I'm just accustomed to guys acting one way and he's totally throwing everything I've known out the window. I feel like I'm starting back at square one in the dating world. Like, this is how it should have been instead of the abusive guys I went through.

 

I'm sorry, I'm kind of rambling and stuff but this is all kind of new to me.

[Antoinette]

I feel like you're probably overthinking things - it sounds like you've got a really great guy! Try not to overthink things.  

[PrincessClara]

I agree it seems like everything is just fine and you're overthinking things. Toby sounds like a great understanding guy and you are an introvert with anxiety. Just take the space you need and trust that if he has an issue that he will tell you. Communication is important and it sounds like he understands this concept and is telling you exactly how he feels. 

 

I'm an extremely touchy person, I need physical touch a lot even if it's just our hands touching but not holding on. I compare it to a wolf pack or a fox, because they do that a lot as reassurance of their bond. It sounds like you are..well like you said, like a cat. They want attention when they want it and don't when they don't HAHA. that is perfectly OK. There is no need to feel rude for being you, you are telling him what you need instead of bottling it up and exploding later and that is a GOOD THING. 

 

I think you're doing great. Just try not to stress about it and trust he will tell you if he's unhappy with something. 

[Daisies&Donuts]

Sounds like maybe you need to just give yourself some time. Remember to be patient with yourself and things will work themselves out naturally. One of the worst things we can do to ourself is tell ourself we aren't good enough. Especially bad to tell yourself you aren't good enough by someone else's standards while they are saying you're fine! Keep the lines of communication open and you'll be just fine.

 

And remember: it's OK to need things for yourself and put yourself first sometimes.

[Guest Ginger]

So I guess kind of an update?

 

We talked and stuff. He basically said that he'll leave me be and won't push for me staying over at his place or vice versa. He messages me and asks if I'm going to come over and visit, watch tv/a movie. He's leaving it up to me how often we hang out right now. It's getting more frequent. I think I had like 3 days to myself, then we hung out for a day. Then one day to myself and we hung out the next two, that kind of thing.

 

I found out he spoke to my best friend and said he realizes I'm not really accustomed to physical affection at all, but that he's not put off by it. We kinda got on the topic of his ex and he said that she'd pitch a fit if he tried to cuddle or hold hands. I don't, which is a huge relief to him. Like, I'm getting more comfortable with it and stuff... so that's good, yea?

 

He also messaged me and said something that instantly sent me into like, flight mode? I was flipping out but my best friend/roommate was there and just sat with me, talked and stuff. He'd said, "I love you" and... that really scared me. I talked to him about it and said I just wanted to slow down, that I really like him but I'm not quite ready to say that (or hear it). He apologized for making me uncomfortable and we just kinda hung out. I read a book while he ate dinner and watched a movie (and me ). So, I mean, it was a good evening overall. I think it's going well so far ^^"

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

So I guess kind of an update?

 

We talked and stuff. He basically said that he'll leave me be and won't push for me staying over at his place or vice versa. He messages me and asks if I'm going to come over and visit, watch tv/a movie. He's leaving it up to me how often we hang out right now. It's getting more frequent. I think I had like 3 days to myself, then we hung out for a day. Then one day to myself and we hung out the next two, that kind of thing.

 

I found out he spoke to my best friend and said he realizes I'm not really accustomed to physical affection at all, but that he's not put off by it. We kinda got on the topic of his ex and he said that she'd pitch a fit if he tried to cuddle or hold hands. I don't, which is a huge relief to him. Like, I'm getting more comfortable with it and stuff... so that's good, yea?

 

He also messaged me and said something that instantly sent me into like, flight mode? I was flipping out but my best friend/roommate was there and just sat with me, talked and stuff. He'd said, "I love you" and... that really scared me. I talked to him about it and said I just wanted to slow down, that I really like him but I'm not quite ready to say that (or hear it). He apologized for making me uncomfortable and we just kinda hung out. I read a book while he ate dinner and watched a movie (and me ). So, I mean, it was a good evening overall. I think it's going well so far ^^"

You may or may not be ready for this... before Daddy and I said "I love you" we said "forever soon" (we were LD at the time). It was our way of saying that we felt strongly for each other but neither was ready for "I love you". He said it for a good week or two before I did, then we both said it. When I love you started, we both were ready. I'm not saying use forever soon, but maybe you could find something meaningful for you two.