Complex Relationship & Littlespace Anxiety

[alotalittle]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been a reader of these forums for quite some time, but have never had the nerve to make an account. I guess today is the day that I'm getting over that fear because I feel that I have nowhere else to turn to for advice. I apologize if this question/post gets a little too detailed or scattered. I will do my best to explain things.

 

My partner and I have been together for over three years now. We are engaged and he is my absolute best friend and love of my life. 

 

For the first year and a half of our relationship, we established a DDlg dynamic. He seemed highly interested in it when I first brought it up after we met and fell in love. For the most part, the DDlg aspect of things was sexual, but I called him Daddy any time we were alone and we did do some nonsexual DDlg things on occasion as well (me coloring pictures for him, watching some cartoons, him buying me clothes that made me feel little, etc). Unfortunately, we were struggling with some major internal issues that drove us apart for a short time (he has PTSD from severe childhood abuse and I struggle with major anxiety and panic attacks). Neither of us were coping very well and we needed some time apart. When we split, I boxed my little self up (metaphorically) and said I would never again indulge in it. My little side was completely broken and I had no clue how to deal with it...my poor solution for things was simply to ignore her altogether.

 

After a few weeks, my partner and I decided we wanted to work on things. We were miserable without each other and still couldn't go a day without speaking (despite me moving out and him attempting to go on a couple dates that went horribly). My partner and I made a very conscious decision to communicate better and he was finally honest with me about his needs.

 

My partner enjoys crossdressing and roleplaying as a "sissy". Until our breakup, he had refused to ever share this side of himself with me. Fortunately, my adult self is into crossdressers and very much enjoys pegging and other activities. Over time, we figured out how to expand that part of himself and incorporate it into our relationship. It was a struggle because of his past abuse and his fear of being completely homosexual. Since then, he's become more comfortable trying to accept his bisexuality and his sexual wants and needs. I've also been more accepting of his wants and needs by allowing him to have anonymous sexual conversations with people online.

 

While we were working things out, I expressed to him that I no longer wanted us to include anything DDlg in our lives. My little side was still horribly hurt and confused and I had let her pain become out of control and impossible to deal with. I continued keeping her boxed up. I was scared of letting her out and her getting hurt again because my partner and I were still working so hard on our relationship and going through many ups and downs.

 

Now, it's been over a year and half since the split and my partner and I have improved much of our relationship (though we still both acknowledge that there's room to grow and things to work on). The urge to express my little side grows everyday. It's becoming an almost constant nag. However, when I try to go into littlespace, I have a meltdown. I attempted to go into littlespace on my own by coloring and watching a cartoon, and it resulted in a massive panic attack and me throwing away my brand new crayons and coloring book. 

 

I finally brought this all to the attention of my partner, but we didn't reach any real solution. He offered to buy me things to make me feel little or roleplay DDlg with me sometimes...he even offered to let me find a different daddy (which is the absolute last thing I want). I feel like I can't trust him (or even myself) with my little side anymore. It's too painful for me to go into littlespace. I'm at a loss.

 

I'm sorry for the very long and rambly post. I'm not even sure what my exact question is. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel incomplete without having any outlet for my little self, but my little self is in too much turmoil for me to deal with and my partner doesn't understand why he can't just buy some "little things" or let me find a new daddy and makes things all better. I know he loves me unconditionally and is trying to be helpful, but I feel like my issue with my little side goes much deeper than what his suggestions for me can fix.

[DarlinStarrz]

Oh, alotalittle. I am so sorry that you are in that much pain. I can understand how difficult these feelings can be to handle and how hard it must be to try to work them out on your own. It seems like you are having such difficulties with letting your little side out because you are afraid that if you do, you will be abandoned. Is that a fair assumption? Please understand that I am not trying to hurt your feelings in any way. I am just trying to get a clearer picture so that I can try to help.

 

Have you explained to your partner just how deep these feelings are? That they are much more than something a simple roleplay can fix? That you love him and him alone, not wanting anyone else to be your Daddy? You are giving him a lot of support, and it isn't too much to ask to want support in return. I think this is something you should talk more with him about, explaining your side and that what you need most is to let your little out for him to hold, so you can cry out the pain and have the reassurance that come with that.

 

If you ever need to talk, I am more than happy to be a caring ear.

[lilsnoopy]

I don't know how helpful this will be but I want to try to give advice. My little side gets hurt easy and kind of hides away when shes upset. I have severe trust and abandonment issues so it's a deeply embedded reaction. It sounds like your little side doesn't feel safe enough or trust your fiance enough to come out. I'm assuming it's the same or similar for you that your little side is like a more fragile side of yourself. If he hasn't brought up dd/lg or wanted to encourage your little side after being in that relationship at one point it had to hurt even after you got back together. The basis I've found in dd/lg relationships is trust, communication, acceptance, and encouragement. Those are all things I need to feel loved and reassured enough to be in little space. Maybe strengthen all of those things and it will slowly be easier to be little again. 

 

acceptance- feeling like you belong is one of the best feelings. If your partner would take on his role and embrace you as a little and the dd/lg relationship at least part of the time it might help.

 

communication- explain what you're feeling how deep those feelings go. It isn't foe play for you, being a little is part of who you are. Talk about your needs, expectations, wants. 

 

trust- it takes time to build. Even if you trust him getting your little side back out and able to trust him again will be a lot of little steps starting with small things. Maybe him just brushing your hair or telling you to not eat too much candy. Small things that shows he wants little you and he loves and acknowledges that part of you just as much as the rest of you. 

 

encouragement- pretty self explanatory... hopefully he does more then offer roleplay or for you to find someone else. That's not really trying...  He could be more evolved in helping you reconnect with you little side and supporting/planning? activities you do as a little. 

 

So that's just my advice I'm not a relationship councilor or anything but I do hope it helps. All of that is written in the perspective that 1. you want to become a little again and 2. he wants you to be a little again. To be honest if he does not want to try or does not care then my post probably won't help much. I do think he does care though because if he loves you then he should love all of you and he has already accepted that part of you once. I am also not saying that everything would be better overnight. Healing takes time even emotionally

[alotalittle]

I really appreciate both of your perspectives on the whole thing. I'm a little short on time right now, but I wanted to make sure that you both know I read your replies and they gave me some good things to think about. Hopefully, I can write a more detailed response later  

[alotalittle]

In response to lilsnoopy:

 

Firstly, thank you so much for your thoughtful advice to my post. I really did appreciate it and I've read through it a couple times now.

 

I completely agree that I need to communicate more throroughly to my partner about how I'm feeling. I guess it's hard for me because I tend to shield my "ugly" feelings from people that I love and this one is particularly hard to articulate. I feel at such a disconnect with my little side that I'm not sure what my needs and wants for her are. It's as if my little side distrusts me so much that she won't come out even when I'm alone.

 

My little side is also hypersensitive and doesn't handle emotions and conversations nearly as well as my adult side is able to. I wish I could get my little side to be calm enough for me to figure out what I need to do to help her.

 

My partner does love me very much--of that, I'm absolutely sure. But he doesn't want to take on the role of daddy all the time and I'm understanding of that. I don't think it's good for him to have to be daddy all the time and I like being able to enjoy his submissive side as well. I'm just not sure if introducing the ddlg dynamic back into our lives will be good for either of us as individuals or for our relationship since I have no clue what would actually help my little side be less full of panic and sadness.

 

For me, I'd like to someday express my little side and indulge in the happiness that it once brought me.

 

Sorry if any of this was rambly or confusing, but I really appreciate you listening.

[Guest Ginger Step]

Wow! You can not make a slik purse out of a sows ear. For all you have in this relationship,it is missing so key component to happy and content relationship. You two would be great as brother and sister. Two submissives do not a DDlg relationship make. He wants to be cared for as much as your Little,who is tired and anger at not being let out and no one to care for her. You two are in competition for the same thing.

[alotalittle]

Ginger step,

 

Thank you muchly for your feedback, but I believe you might be misinterpreting my relationship?

 

Sexually, my partner and I are both switches and have known that about each other for the entirety of the relationship. Even without the ddlg dynamic, we still practice much of BDSM together. To say that he'd be happy never dominating me again would be extremely untrue (and vice versa). He gets a lot of pleasure out of being the Dom and he also gets abundant pleasure from being the sub at times. I know that within the BDSM community, switches are often misunderstood, but we are very much real and have real Dom(me) and sub needs.

 

Additionally, my partner is not a little in any way, shape, or form. When he is submissive, he never enters a little space...since he doesn't have one. Therefore, we aren't two littles and definitely don't have a "brother/sister" type relationship.

 

I completely understand that you might've misunderstood my previous postings, so I wanted to clarify I hope things make better sense now.

[Guest Ginger Step]

That is great clarification. I am sure you will find the answer to your need. Have a Great Day.