My Daddy left me. Decided to tell my story so I can move on.

[xxlittlemisskittyxx]

Hello everyone,

 

I was recently dumped by my Daddy and am just looking for some closure atm. Sorry this is going to be REALLY long, but I have nowhere else to turn or tell my story. I can’t explain to my vanilla friends/family why this relationship was so special to me and why I feel so hurt and betrayed.

 

I met my Daddy online about 6 months ago. He lived 7 hours away, but was planning to move to my area and had posted a personal ad looking for a little girl and AB to form a serious cg/l relationship with. I found out he had a large online presence in the cg/l community. He had a huge Tumblr following and had run a cg/l YouTube channel and Minecraft server. I felt incredibly lucky.

 

We dated LD for 2 months and every time we were together was absolutely magical, he took me to the zoo, the movies, build a bear. He would put me in dips and change them, hold me and encourage me to regress. He was a switch AB so we also spent days playing together in little space. After 2 months of dating, travelling 7 hours every weekend to see each other, he asked me if he could be my Daddy and boyfriend. I told him that was a massive commitment, that I had been hurt by fake Daddy’s in the past and I had a huge fear of abandonment. I didn’t want him to become my Daddy unless he was 100% committed and saw us having a long term future. He agreed and assured me he wasn’t going to leave me.

 

We continued a LD cg/l relationship for another 3 months. He gave me rules and punishments, which I strictly adhered too. LD was difficult, but I would draw him pictures, we would online game, video Skype every night while I fell asleep and we would see each other every opportunity we could. I was super happy and although I found it hard to be physically distant from my carer I sacrificed everything I could to maintain the relationship and keep my Daddy happy. During this time I did notice that he had been starting to struggle with depression, but I figured it was because he was stuck out in the country and that things would be better when we lived closer.

 

Daddy finally gave me the good news that he had found a house to rent and would be moving close to where I live. I was ecstatic, we would finally be able to see each other regularly and become more committed in our cg/l relationship. The week leading up to his moving day I had started to feel a bit down, I had been physically sick and had been feeling very gender dysphoric (I am transitioning MtF, which Daddy loved regardless). Never-the-less I was excited he was moving and I took work off to help him move over the weekend. I helped him move all of his furniture and set up his bedroom (which was super cutesy and had storage for all of my little supplies) and I rested in between because I was exhausted.

 

I noticed Daddy was becoming more distant to me over the weekend, he didn’t really take care of me when I was feeling sick and down. I figured this was because of the stress of moving. I became anxious, my cuddle meter was low and I just needed to regress to recover. After the move was finished, I asked Daddy if I could be little for a bit. He pulled away from me and got really quiet for the rest of the day. I sat down with him later and asked what was going on? He then turned around and said to me “I don’t feel like your Daddy anymore and I don’t know if I will be a caregiver for a very long time or ever again”. He then told me that 2 weeks before we dated he had plans to move and live with another little he had a LDR for 2 years, but she had run off with some other guy. I broke down in tears, it was so unexpected and I felt like my heart had been ripped out. I wanted to leave, but I was so upset I couldn’t drive home. I stayed the night, he tried to console me and give me my stuffies but I was furious at him and told him he didn’t deserve to see my little side.

 

After the weekend I sent him a message telling him how much he had hurt my little side, how betrayed I felt and that I would need some space. After a week I had calmed down, I realised how much I loved him even as a vanilla boyfriend and how being a Daddy may have been overwhelming for him just due to the timing and his depression. I contacted him and explained why I felt so hurt, that I had time to calm down and that I loved him and was willing to take things slower for a while because I felt we had something special. I still wanted to be able to call him Daddy, even in title and he wouldn’t have to do anything else as it would help make me feel like I hadn’t been abandoned. He told me that he didn’t know if he still wanted to be with me, but we finally agreed to have a break from our relationship until after he had finished moving and found a job.

 

For the next week I only heard from him once and I lost sleep every night crying because I was so afraid he was going to abandon me. I then saw on his facebook page lots of photos of him out drunk and all over these girls I had never met (he has a lot of female friends, but I convinced myself he was cheating on me). I was furious and emotional and I pulled up the website I had originally found him on and reposted one of my old personal ads. I don’t think I even wanted anyone to respond, it just felt good to vent and it gave me a sense of hope. The next day Daddy called me up furious and yelled at me angrily because he had seen I had posted a personal ad. He told me I had cheated on him and that I obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship. That he had umm’d and ahhh’d for a week whether to stay with me, but now he didn’t want me and he dumped me. I went into shock and wanted to kill myself  I felt like I had worked so hard to be supportive and hold our relationship together and that I messed up and now it was my fault that I had lost my Daddy.

 

I cut all contact with him for a few weeks, but on advice from my counsellor I let down my walls a bit (instead of isolating myself from pain) and messaged him to see if he had settled into his new place ok. He wrote back and was in a really good mood, we chatted and joked again like we used too. We started chatting again on Skype and online gaming. One night we had a VERY deep and meaningful chat about stuff that had happened to each other in the past and had not told anyone before, we both cried a lot and felt open and connected again. He asked me if I would come visit him the next day, at the very least he wanted to give me a hug after the conversation we had had. I dropped into his house and gave him the house warming gift I had bought before he had moved. We laid in bed and hugged each other tight. He gave me his stuffie and nuzzled and kissed me. Just laying my head on his chest again felt like everything was right in the Universe again. We watched some movies and he wrapped me up in a blankie burrito and held me like he used to and looked at me lovingly. I ended up staying the night, he held me tightly and patted my padded butt while I fell asleep. The next day we went out for breakfast he held my hand when we walked and hugged me a lot. When I left I told him that I loved him, that I was sorry I wasn’t there for him when he was feeling depressed and had hurt him. I just wanted him to take things slow and look after himself for a while. He told me he loved me too, that he forgave me and that everything would be ok.

 

We kept chatting for a few more weeks, but I noticed his mood was starting to change again and he was getting really down. I was starting to get depressed too because of all the uncertainty and mixed signals. Eventually I asked him, quite lightly, how he felt about what we had been doing and how he felt about me? He very coldly told me that he didn’t love me, that he had no feelings for me and that he had lead me on. I crashed again and became suicidal for a few days. Luckily I had a close friend who took me in and nursed me back to normal.

 

It has now been a week since I have cut all contact with him again. I feel like such an idiot and although I can now see how abusive he was to me I keep blaming myself for being too needy and also for cheating on him by posting a personal ad. I am now getting counselling, because I NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to cheat or hurt somebody I love ever again. My worst fears of being abandoned by a caregiver came true after I had allowed my little side to open up to someone after being hurt so many times. I’ve lost all faith that I will one day find or trust the caregiver that I deserve, which I feel is even harder being transgender (I know there a lot of people who don’t care about gender, but it’s still something that is in my head sometimes). I just feel completely lost  I have been through breakups with people I have been with for much longer periods of time, but it doesn’t hurt anywhere near as much as losing a caregiver.

 

Well that’s my story. If you made it this far, thankyou for listening to me. I would love to hear from any other littles who have lost their Daddy and how they got through it?

 

PS I bought my first house recently, one with enough room so that I can set up my own AB nursery, which I had planned to build with my Daddy. I don’t even want to anymore, I can’t even go into little space because it reminds me of my Daddy and it hurts too much. Hopefully one day thou 

 

xxLittleMissKittyxx

[LoralieHaze]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how heart-breaking that must have been. I don't have any advice or any similar story but... I just want to show my support. *huge hugs*

[Little Illy]

To be honest, I think he needs some counselling too. I think he has more going on than what he told you, maybe what he even knows. I wont even try to pretend to know the mindset, but it sounds an awful like bipolar disorder. But again, do not take that to heart.

 

I am deeply sorry you had to deal with this, and I am truly grateful, you have someone to talk to you. Having a support network is vital during times like these. It may be hard, but be sure to reach out whenever you are feeling especially low. Don't wait until it gets too bad because then the icky thoughts might not let you. 

 

You are a WORTHWHILE and WONDERFUL person. You experienced a horribly tricky situation and right now I think you need time to heal. But never forget how awesome you are. Don't blame yourself for the outcome of this situation, this dance takes two. And it sounds like he was definitely leading it. You did everything anyone could ask of you in this type of situation, and then some. I do think you gave him more chances than he deserved, but we all do crazy things for the people we love. And you should never feel poorly for that.

 

Don't ever forget to remember your value. Make sure you take this experience and utilize it to help you in the future. It is painful, but can be valuable lesson that helps you avoid this again. And most importantly, be sure to love yourself every day.

[Guest DDSagittarius]

This is in no way meant to justify his behavior or excuse it or anything, but perhaps is something to consider.

 

We're all very complicated and very complex people, many of us don't truly know what it is we want. We lean on people who can offer us what it is we think we need, which in itself is highly unhealthy.

 

If time has taught me anything, it's that everything changes. Be it the time, the seasons, hunger, tiredness, everything is on a cycle. I think sometimes people need something when they start something, and then at a point they no longer need it.

 

Is this selfish? Honestly, I don't know, maybe? But part of me feels like it isn't.  I remember I was in a LD relationship when I was younger, like, 11 years ago.  I wrote a poem then, about how I felt. Which is still relevant to how I feel about things today. it goes...
 

A single man, torn in two
A tortured mind, bruised black and blue
Contradictions, false predictions
Can’t distinguish, facts from fictions

Are truth and lies, just the same?
Once time has passed, can meaning remain?
Opinions, feelings, with time will alter
Thus the facts begin to falter

Opposing feelings cause confliction
Are you a man of your conviction?
You swear that you’re loyal, honest and good
But to honor your words, do you think that you could?

Your actions misleading, your language misread
They think you mean one thing, but that’s not what you said
They call you deceptive, a con and a cheat
But your words were honest, no hint of deceit

The point of the poem is that just because someone no longer feels how they once did, doesn't mean they've lied to you.

There's little else in the world more difficult than growing apart from someone and knowing you're going to let them down and hurt their feelings. There is no easy way to say goodbye.

Perhaps he hasn't handled it well, and I understand for you it's little consolation, but at one stage he probably meant every word he said to you. Unfortunately, sometimes, things just change.

I'm not sure if this will help, or if it's agreeable, it's just my thoughts on the matter.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

First of all... correct me if I misread, but were you not on a break from your relationship when you posted the personal ad? If this is the case, I do not feel like you cheated. Him, being all over other girls, friends or not, in my opinion is cheating.

 

I agree with Sagittarius that all things change, including people...however, I don't know that this is the case in this situation. This is going to hurt what I am about to say, but I mean it as delicately as possible... I think he used you as a rebound. He got out of a relationship that did not go as he had hoped, and almost immediately sought out a new relationship. During the time you were in a LDR he hardly had to confront his feelings. His time with you could simply be enjoyable. Once he moved down there he probably couldn't stop thinking about what he had hoped to have with his previous little.

 

None of this is your fault. It's really not even his fault completely. As a DD he should have been more responsible and more cautious of your tender feelings. When you told him how you feared abandonment he should have dug deep inside himself to make sure this is what he wanted before starting a relationship with you. I am not sure that where his mindset was at the time, however, that he was fully able to.

 

I have never lost a caregiver, so I can offer little insight on how to cope. Just know this isn't your fault, and your decision to post a personal ad, though maybe irresponsible, in my opinion, wasn't cheating. I wish you the best of luck as you recover from this heartbreak.

[Guest Little_Galaxy]

Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't blame yourself for what happened between you two.

 

I agree with the post above. Posting an ad after seeing him out with other people was clearly an impulsive reaction you had, but I don't think posting an ad is considered cheating in the literal sense. Emotional betrayal - possibly - but he toyed with you quite a bit from what you've said here. Although revenge isn't a great reaction, it makes complete sense that you would do that when you were confused and hurting because of his behavior. Plus he even admitted to leading you on which isn't fair and quite frankly, makes me even more upset with him. He knew full well what he was doing and hid very unfair things from you, like his previous relationship. He needed someone to care about him, and it seems he took advantage of the affection you offered him. Obviously, no one is perfect and people will make some mistakes from time to time. Sometimes they can rectify them, but in this case, it sounds like parting was truly the best option even though it's been painful.

 

I think it's great that you want to better yourself and avoid making the same mistakes with the next person. It's wise to always be improving who you are. But again, please don't blame yourself or tell yourself you won't find another person to love you. I'm sure you will find another Daddy someday, so be kind to yourself because future Daddy wouldn't want you feeling this way. And it's okay to focus on you right now. This may be way off base, but maybe you could try to work through the emotions by building your AB nursery yourself or with some Little friends? It might help you cope? Instead of looking back at what could have been with him - keep focused on the brightness of the future. I think painting and decorating sounds pretty therapeutic. Just a suggestion though.

 

I wholeheartedly wish you all the best in finding someone who won't play games with you and who is worthy of all the love you have to give. I know it hurts now but you will be okay! You may never fully forget the pain, but it will get much easier to handle. I promise. Give it time.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Little_Galaxy

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

Bree pretty much said everything I would have said.

 

Don't torture yourself - to err is to be human. Take time for yourself to heal and become whole again.

 

Peace love and pacis!

[xxlittlemisskittyxx]

Wow! Thankyou so much to all you guys <3

 

Your heartfelt advice, wisdom and support has really helped me alot. You are a wonderful community xx

 

I'm not exactly sure what his mindset was, but it was very erratic and I and a few close friends suspected he may have untreated bi-polar. The reason I think this is that I am bi-polar, but am medicated and have been stable for nearly 3 years now. I used to do the same thing to partners, one minute I would want to run away and marry them, would suprise them with romantic meals, presents and holidays. The next I would be sitting with them in a room and be completely disgusted by them, lost all feeling for them and wanted to leave them. I've had alot of cycling of breaking up and getting back together with people when I was younger. My best friends ex husband was also bipolar and when she met my ex she could have sworn they were the same person.

 

Whether or not this is the case, there was something unstable about him and the depressive episodes he would have were pretty severe. I begged him on many occcasions to seek a doctor or counsellor. When he was really sick he would agree, but he never went through with it. He is a professional actor and I think maybe he was worried taking medication might affect that.

 

Although there is some stigma still, it is perfectly ok to date someone with a mental illness and people who are bipolar, like myself, deserve to find love and a longterm partner. I mean 1 in 5 people have some form of mental illness. What I did learn from how I treated my previous partners was that although alot of the cycles are out of my control, I am responsible to take actions to make myself as stable as possible so I don't negatively impact those around me. Now with the medication I'm a bit more boring, but I am stable, I have control of my actions and far less mood swings. I feel like a person without a mental illness.

 

I totaly agree that circumstances and people can change and it would be hard to let people down if you promised them one thing and then your life went a different direction. With my relationship it wasn't a slow and gradual change. From our first date my Daddy painted grandious pictures of our future together. Like on our second date he decided that we were going to go on a holiday to Japan at the end of this year, he felt I was the one. When we were struggling LD he assured me right up to the move that life would be better when he was near me and would tell me stories of what our little/Daddy life would be like. He even was on the look out for a house with enough privacy and space so he could set up a little space for me. Even during the move weekend he talked about things we would be doing long term, pointed out cafes that we would go to, adult stores we should visit, he bought protective sheets for his bed for when I wore dips, invited his friends over and talked about all the things we would be doing together. He set his room up for me, with a locking drawer for all my dips and little wear, decorated it like a little girls room basically so it would feel "little friendly", installed a makeup mirror for when I visited. It was literally the day after we had set all this up and had hung out with his friends like two love birds that he turned into a different person and dropped my little side. I 1000% didn't get the slightest hint that was coming.

 

As for whether we were on a break or not. We had decided to put our relationship aside and focus on ourselves and would meet up in person when he was set up and stable to discuss becoming a couple again. We never discussed the boundaries and conditions of that, I guess we both felt we would just fly solo and not be looking for affection from others. It was definitely uncertain, I didn't want it at all but it felt like the best chance I had for winning his love back. Whether what I did was classified as cheating or not is debatable. I felt bad for what I did and he did feel betrayed by it. It was impulsive and irresponsible, but I can honestly say that I was not intending to cheat or find someone else. I loved him so much it hurt and I just wanted him to come back to me. Posting a personal ad felt more like giving my little side a voice, a cry for attention and the nostalgia of being online and finding him in the first place. Never the less, I let myself down as I crossed my own self values and I know I am better than that. When I saw hima s my Daddy, I had promised myself that I would never do anything to hurt him intentionally. He was my soul mate in my eyes and I never wanted to let him down.

 

If it's any consolation as a result of posting my personal ad I have made one of the closest AB friends I have ever had. I deleted my ad staright after the break up, but received a message from a younger AB who attends the same university I study at. I explained the situation around the ad I posted and aplogised that it was deceptive. He was just exploring AB and was also struggling with his gender identity. He told me that he was sorry he wasn't looking for a relationship, but needed a platonic friend to talk to. I've since become a bit of a big sister and mentor to him, just hanging out, helping him buy stuffies and little supplies (because he is shy), buying girl clothes and makeup, having coffees and chatting. He has also been an incredible support during this breakup and the fact that I have someone else to share little space with has helped wean me off my ex Daddy.

 

I think I will go ahead and set up my nursery with my new friend (Crib, changing table, dip supplies, outfits, highchair, playpen...the works and decorated in pretty pink princess motifs). I will have someone to enjoy it with and we can play and care for each other. I think if I keep holding my little side high and build her a home that she deserves, then I leave the door open to attract my forever Daddy to come and adopt me one day.

 

Lots of love everyone, and I can't thankyou enough for your support.

 

xxLittleMissKittyxx

Edited November 8, 2016 by xxlittlemisskittyxx