Question for Poly Littles

[Kya]

I just entered a poly family that's been established for quite a while now and it makes me really nervous. I was previously a monogamous little and of course I'll still probably only be loyal to my NeNe for now but, I'm worried that I won't fit in with his other littles and subs or that they won't like me or that I will try to monopolize his attention and I don't wanna do that.

 

So my question to you all is: How did you adjust into a polyamorous relationship?

[Guest Princessaj]

Hi, congrat's on your poly family.

 

I don't have any experience in poly, but I am curious about how you made the decision to enter the poly family with all these questions unanswered.

 

-Also, maybe, since I don't know the customs of a poly family? you said, "I just entered a poly family"

Does that mean you have moved in with them?

 

-Did you make an agreement with your "NeNe" that includes a relationship with his other littles and subs, but now question that? Did the agreement include an "exit plan?"

 

Yes, I understand that you have to be around people to really see what they are like, but have you acted too quickly?

 

We become nervous as a natural warning when we have questions. 

 

I know you want answers, but perhaps my questions will help you to better look at the situation. I am sure that the other great poly folk will have some super wisdom to share and we will all learn. Hugs

[Kya]

Hi, congrat's on your poly family.

 

I don't have any experience in poly, but I am curious about how you made the decision to enter the poly family with all these questions unanswered.

 

-Also, maybe, since I don't know the customs of a poly family? you said, "I just entered a poly family"

Does that mean you have moved in with them? I do not live with them. I use enter as in like I'm a part of (or at least in the beginning stages of being accepted) the family.

 

-Did you make an agreement with your "NeNe" that includes a relationship with his other littles and subs, but now question that? Did the agreement include an "exit plan?" Yes. NeNe and I spoke about everyone and gave me boundaries. NeNe says that trust is the center of his family and that we can trial to see if it's really for me or not.

 

Yes, I understand that you have to be around people to really see what they are like, but have you acted too quickly? I think maybe I acted a little too quickly because I made the decision while little but, even now being big, I respect NeNe and feel safe with him and his family.

 

We become nervous as a natural warning when we have questions. I think I'm nervous because I've grown up in a conservative family where monogamy is at it's center. I've never been in a relationship where it involved more than two people.

 

I know you want answers, but perhaps my questions will help you to better look at the situation. I am sure that the other great poly folk will have some super wisdom to share and we will all learn. Hugs

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Did somebody say poly family!? 

 

Hello! I'm Belle, nice to meet you, and I sort of consider myself one of the few poly gurus on this site. (Self-proclaimed title, I promise.) First, I'd like to direct you to the resource that I've written on Polyamory, up in the Resources Section on the main page. That will provide a lot of insight that I can't think of right now. 

 

As for getting into polyamory, something I always tell new non-monogamists is that it's very rare that you'll wake up one morning, completely unattached and without the ability to hurt anyone, and say to yourself "I think I'll love multiple people for the rest of my life." It's messy. It's difficult. And it's very rarely a smooth transition. However, something I can assure you is that as you grow to be more comfortable in your own skin, it will get easier with time. And that the feelings and worries and doubts you're having are all really normal, really valid human emotions and feelings. 

 

You mentioned the family is well-established. Does this mean they've been doing it for a while? If this is the case, I hope that they are helping you through this process as it can be really scary to go alone! Especially with all those swirling worries and negativity in your head. I suggest you talk to them about your concerns frequently and with candor. Don't hold anything back. As you'll read in my article up above, always communicate especially when you don't want to. Those little nagging fears and worries aren't going to go away if you don't open up about them and own up to them. Your partners should be able to ease those doubts and help you work through them without making you feel like your feelings don't matter, even if they feel silly to you.

 

If you're afraid of what they'll say, talk to them.

If you think your worries are stupid and you should just get over them, talk to them. 

If you don't think they'll care about how you feel, talk to them.

If you feel like you should know better, or you think that poly isn't right for you, talk to them.

If you dismiss your feelings as something silly and that you'd never share with them because it would hurt them, talk to them.

If you don't know if you can even find the words to express how you're feeling, talk to them.

 

Tell them exactly what you told us. Polyamory often demands completely transparent communication. It isn't for everyone, and if you find it isn't for you, that's absolutely okay! But express to your partners how this is making you feel. The only ones who can ease and help with these concerns are the people directly involved in the relationship, and of course, yourself.

 

Good luck! 

[Kya]

Thank you! I read the post you wrote and it really helped! I'm gonna talk to NeNe about my feelings tomorrow!