I dont know who to talk to about my relationship!!

[aj_21]

Ok so Im just going to list some pros and cons and if you have some advice please give it and if you know who I could talk to about my relationship please tell me!!

 

PROS

We have a lot of fun together

He has a great sense of humour

I can talk to him about my day or if Im having trouble doing something (study related) and he will try to help

I know he loves me a lot

He does little things for me occasionally like peg out the washing/dishes/dinner

He is very loving, he tries to help and I know he loves myself and our daughter

 

CONS

Even though I know I can talk to him about stuff I hold back on things and dont speak up if I dont want something because I know he wants it and so I put his want first. I hold back because I dont want to upset him although it probably wouldnt.

 

During arguments everything comes down to something I have done and I always am the one that appologises. He never has. Not even for calling me names during.

He will get annoyed at me and kinda ignore me and then suddenly he is fine and its like he has forgotten he was annoyed with me.

He thinks that because I said I wanted to be dominated it means whatever he wants not what I actually need and what is best for me.

I hate feeling like I cant talk to him because he will get upset but also knowing he might not.

He wants to control everything I do and have me completely dependant on him (mostly because he thinks this is what I want).

I worry that if I was to leave he would harm himself. I dont want to break his heart but I dont want things to stay as they are.

 

Basically guys I want my independence and Im scared of bringing it up. I dont know how to talk to him about this even though I know that is what I have to do. How do I do it?!?!?!

 

Btw he doesnt hit me or emotionally abuse me. Like its not an abusive relationship. We have had 3 major arguments and then the random small ones where I honestly dont know what ive done. I just feel so smothered and I want to do my own thing but Im scared of talking to him about it and putting him in a bad mood. He works long hours 7 days a week and he always has (although apparently this is getting better next year). I dont nag him about his hours or anything.

 

Please give me some advice or point me in the right direction cause Im so up and down and dont know what to think or how to sort stuff out.

[aj_21]

Oh we have been together nearly 3 years apart from a few months (soon after we first got together) where I broke it off because I was scared of what he wanted and didnt feel I could talk to him.

[Mikaitaku]

from the cons it sounds as if he actually is emotionally abusive. if he places blame on you for everything, does not aplogize, and you fear he will hurt himself if you leave that is most certainly abusive.

[Guest ZenDD]

These cons FAR outweigh the pros. If what you are describing is in fact what is happening, then this person is ABSOLUTELY emotionally abusive. The fact that you are afraid to bring up certain issues because of his volatility should show you clearly that this is an extremely unhealthy relationship. This person is emotionally manipulative, whether he knows it or not. You need to take some immediate action. If you feel this relationship is worth saving, and that this behavior of his is not his true self, that he has become this way over time, then some couples counseling is definitely in order. If this is how he's always been, or you're afraid to even bring up the topic of counseling, then you've got a real tough decision to make, and regardless of your emotional connection to him, you must face the real consideration of letting this relationship go, or at least separating until you can both figure things out with some time and space: for your sake, and that of your child. 

 

How that decision would play out for him is his responsibility, and you cannot allow yourself to hold on to this relationship because you're afraid of how it could affect HIS mental health. Do NOT sacrifice your own mental health, or the mental health of your child, for his. Make no mistake, the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship is also unhealthy for your child. If you aren't happy, your kid knows it. If you're confused, your child's emotional health will reflect that, even if you think it doesn't. Kids are always more aware than we give them credit for, especially when it comes to the ability to sense emotional distress. If you need help getting out of this relationship, talk to a trusted friend or family member. You deserve better. You're kid deserves better. And he needs to get some help learning how to be emotionally available to others, not just emotionally demanding. No one should ever have to be in a relationship where they feel the need to walk on eggshells. Take care, good luck.

[Guest SifuTheWolf]

Along with the other advice you will receive here I think it would benefit you to have a journal/blog/diary that you write your inner thoughts and feelings in, it should be accessible to your daddy, he should read your thoughts daily, and quite frankly I believe he should have one that he shares with you too. I believe in 110% forthcoming,honest and open communication, it's a cornerstone of a solid DDlg relationship in my opinion. If you both knew each others inner most thoughts it would go a long way to you both having what you want from each other. I wish you both the best!

[Guest DHocks35]

Personally, I always say it's a bad idea to stay with someone that you think would hurt him/herself if you leave.  If you think that way, that means you want to leave, and if you want to, for whatever reason, it's probably a good idea to.

 

As for opening up, that is not a safe relationship, talking to your significant other should be the easiest thing in the world.  If you can't really open up because you're scared to, then it's not going to help you in the long run.

 

Never having apologized?  I couldn't imagine an argument where I haven't apologized in the end, not to say the other person hasn't but I feel bad without apologizing for getting heated in any way.  Especially if you're being called names, that's extremely unfair in my eyes. 

 

Keep in mind that you understand the situation far better than anyone else.  And if there is information that you haven't given us, for fear of something, just make sure to put that into account before making a decision.

As for what I believe, it's not a safe relationship.

[daddyslola]

from the cons it sounds as if he actually is emotionally abusive. if he places blame on you for everything, does not aplogize, and you fear he will hurt himself if you leave that is most certainly abusive.

I agree with this 100%. ^^^^

 

Your feelings and needs are valad and you deserve happiness but sometimes you have to make tough choices to find it. I been in the "it will get better when..." Relationships. And it doesn't. You cannot make people change only they can choose it. Your choice is to put up with this or walk. You can protect someone from almost everything but themselves. I read you have a daughter. Just because y'all split doesn't mean she splits with her father. She still has that . but you as her Mom set a standard of how she should be treated when she is older, what she should tolerate. Now I don't know much about your situation so these are just advice spaghetti I'm throwing at a wall just in case you need it. Only you know what you want and need...only you can take action. I'm sending lots of positive vibes your way and I hope you all find happiness.

Edited October 30, 2016 by daddyslola

[aj_21]

Thanks everyone. Im going to talk to a counsellor and figure out everything I need to talk to him about. If he gets angry Ill leave if he is willing to discuss things then maybe we can work things out. I will definitely be talking about things though. Thanks again everyone xx