Name-calling... is it ever okay?

[Guest cottoncandyheart]

Hi everyone. I'm looking for a bit of advice and some info on what you would do in my situation. 

 

Earlier, me and my boyfriend had a pretty bad row over the phone. We are long-distance and this phone call is the only time in the day that we get to talk. I was upset the night before and he came home late from the job he works very long shifts at (he did tell he was going to) and I was disappointed I couldn't speak to him sooner so I picked up the phone in a bit of a mood (I was disappointed and also upset about things) and asked where he'd been and why he stayed at work late which I suppose I asked in a suspicious manner. he was angry at this point and said I should know better about where he is, and that 'I said I was at work, what don't you understand about that?' etc. We continued the argument on, him saying I should know better and that he was at work as usual and that I always overthink everything and me saying I only asked why you was late back, we was both angry.

 

It escalated and he said I wish you'd stop being such a 'f***ing c**t.' This shocked me, and as soon as he said it I began to cry and shake, I didn't even know what to think. He's called me a b***h once or twice before but only when he's been incredibly, incredibly angry and I've been unreasonable. I understand i may have been unreasonable to him tonight but does that warrant name calling? I told him to never, EVER call me another name again but he said I asked for it this time, I made him angry by being unreasonable. I've been crying ever since. We left the call on a good note and said goodnight and I love you like usual, but it has hurt me to no end. He apologised once I told him to (when I would've liked him to apologise straight away), and he said after you apologise for being unreasonable to me which I did. I've since left messages saying do not ever call me another name again or swear, you know I hate it. I thought we was better than that, I couldn't believe you was so disrespectful, etc etc. I'm so hurt right now.. I don't know whether to bring it up to him again tomorrow and mention how upset it made me.

 

I understand that he works SO much, we're talking 18+ hour shifts with very minimal sleep as you can imagine. He's constantly exhausted, stressed and upset with his working situation. I don't know if that is to blame for his anger. I love him to bits and I don't want to lose him. I just want a bit of advice, thank you.

[aj_21]

No its not okay and no a person does not deserve it nor are they "asking for it". In the heat of an argument things can get out of hand and you can say things you will regret later and maybe dont even mean. If the argument is heading in that direction then you both need to step back, take some time to calm down and then discuss the issue calmly.

 

He would have been pretty hurt and upset at your suspicion when he has just had a long day at work...if you knew thats where he was then you need to be a bit more understanding. My partner does the same hours 7 days a week although he does live with me. You need to understand as much as he loves you he has his job he needs his income. Its shit and yeah you do get lonely but understanding and accepting him will make his day hon. He will love calling you because he knows it will be relaxed and he can unwind. If you cant handle it then you either need to work on that or leave but getting upset with him for working will turn him against you. Talk to him calmly about how you need him more and maybe come up with a way to do that (there is app called "our home" i recommend it). If its not possible right now but you love him try to stick it out if its only a temporary thing your love support and understanding will make it easier on both of you!!

[aj_21]

Talk to him about how you felt and how its unacceptable definitely and if he cant understand that or doesnt show you the respect you deserve then he isnt worth your time

[Guest cottoncandyheart]

No its not okay and no a person does not deserve it nor are they "asking for it". In the heat of an argument things can get out of hand and you can say things you will regret later and maybe dont even mean. If the argument is heading in that direction then you both need to step back, take some time to calm down and then discuss the issue calmly.

 

He would have been pretty hurt and upset at your suspicion when he has just had a long day at work...if you knew thats where he was then you need to be a bit more understanding. My partner does the same hours 7 days a week although he does live with me. You need to understand as much as he loves you he has his job he needs his income. Its shit and yeah you do get lonely but understanding and accepting him will make his day hon. He will love calling you because he knows it will be relaxed and he can unwind. If you cant handle it then you either need to work on that or leave but getting upset with him for working will turn him against you. Talk to him calmly about how you need him more and maybe come up with a way to do that (there is app called "our home" i recommend it). If its not possible right now but you love him try to stick it out if its only a temporary thing your love support and understanding will make it easier on both of you!!

I really liked your response. Thanks so much for your advice xx

[Guest LiddlePwincess]

Its also worth considering the fact that those types of names mean different things to different people. What might have completly offended you beyond belief might carry little weight in his head. Especially if hes had a long day and has been met with suspicion when he even informed you he was going to be late. Not trying to pass blame onto either of you, its just how life is sometimes. Things get out of hand for no reason. Personally if someone called me that I wouldnt think twice about it so you see how he might not have meant it quite as harshly as it sounded?

[Baby_squirrel]

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I get that you were both aggravated and in a heated argument, but name calling isn't unjustifiable. His attributing his loss of control isn't to be blamed on you. You didn't deserve being called a name, so don't let him get away with attributing it to being justifiable.

 

You both need to work on what I'm about to say and you are already doing it so, bravo to you! He as your daddy (dominant) needs to own his emotions. It is simple to say 'I'm sorry I lost control. 'What you said made me angry', etc. He is supposed to be helping you and guiding you, that is done through his words and his actions. Teaching you to shift the blame is a horrible example. His making you apologize before he gives you an apology does the same to a degree. Putting a condition on when an apology is issued is kind of immature to me, like trying to one up a person, that's just my take on it.

 

I think you should talk it over with him again today. Tell him that's what you want starting with yourself. Begin by owning up to your part in it. If he told you he was working late and well in advance ask yourself are you suspicious of him? If you aren't then make that obvious to him and get to the root of why you were annoyed. Can you handle a relationship with the hours he has? Do you need to switch the time you have designated for talking? Can you be given a (fun, stress free) chore to keep you busy on the days he's late? After you get your part settled then go back and address his name calling. You'll have to reiterate how much it hurts you. Some people don't get it. I assume because it seems insignificant, petty (it's not) or it is something that was normally done around them. Whatever the reason if you feel like he's taking his love away when he calls you names tell him. Let him talk out his frustrations as well and come up with solutions. Maybe he needs a little down time when he gets home to get settled and relax from the frustrations of his day. Perhaps he needs to change his hours of working if that's possible.

[Guest cottoncandyheart]

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I get that you were both aggravated and in a heated argument, but name calling isn't unjustifiable. His attributing his loss of control isn't to be blamed on you. You didn't deserve being called a name, so don't let him get away with attributing it to being justifiable.

 

You both need to work on what I'm about to say and you are already doing it so, bravo to you! He as your daddy (dominant) needs to own his emotions. It is simple to say 'I'm sorry I lost control. 'What you said made me angry', etc. He is supposed to be helping you and guiding you, that is done through his words and his actions. Teaching you to shift the blame is a horrible example. His making you apologize before he gives you an apology does the same to a degree. Putting a condition on when an apology is issued is kind of immature to me, like trying to one up a person, that's just my take on it.

 

I think you should talk it over with him again today. Tell him that's what you want starting with yourself. Begin by owning up to your part in it. If he told you he was working late and well in advance ask yourself are you suspicious of him? If you aren't then make that obvious to him and get to the root of why you were annoyed. Can you handle a relationship with the hours he has? Do you need to switch the time you have designated for talking? Can you be given a (fun, stress free) chore to keep you busy on the days he's late? After you get your part settled then go back and address his name calling. You'll have to reiterate how much it hurts you. Some people don't get it. I assume because it seems insignificant, petty (it's not) or it is something that was normally done around them. Whatever the reason if you feel like he's taking his love away when he calls you names tell him. Let him talk out his frustrations as well and come up with solutions. Maybe he needs a little down time when he gets home to get settled and relax from the frustrations of his day. Perhaps he needs to change his hours of working if that's possible.

Thanks for this, I liked how thorough and helpful it was! I'll definitely mention it to him tomorrow, I truly think things got so out of hand. When he's tired he can get so blisteringly angry, I did step over the line but that doesn't condemn name calling in my eyes, but I doubt he meant it. He has had this job for months now, so I have definitely gotten more used to it and do what I can to take my mind off it and leave him sweet messages throughout the day. Tomorrow I'm gunna talk out my frustrations with him, and hopefully he'll do the same. Thanks all for replying

[stargirl]

This is not normal, healthy behavior. Make it clear that he hurt you and that this is a line never to be crossed again. Set healthy boundaries for yourself, and follow them. It seems to me that this is a huge breach of trust and he needs to get his anger under control. It's never okay to insult people the way he did, especially someone you care about.

[Antoinette]

I understand both sides of this situation as I've been in the situation he's in (stressed, exhausted and being questioned to no end) and also yours.

 

All I can say is you're both in the wrong. Him possibly more than you but both nonetheless. If you're aware of his work schedule and how hectic it can be there's only one thing for you to do really and that's accept it and be understanding. My daddy at the moment has the same type of work hours as you described and I understand how it can be ridiculously heartbreaking and upsetting to not hear from your daddy or s/o for so long but being suspicious or not trusting them will just stress them out to a further extent. Him calling you a name was unreasonable but you have to factor in his stress levels and how it would feel to be put on the spot after a long day's work when really he just needs you to be understanding; this doesn't mean him calling you names is acceptable though.

 

I think you both need to communicate what led up to this, why it happened and what both of you did to contribute to the bad situation and then apologize for the role that you both played in this. Nobody is saying that his behavior is acceptable, just think about how you could have also contributed and then both of you move forward from it together accepting that neither one of your behaviors were really mature; that's what being an adult in an adult relationship is about, right? Heck, what do I know? 

[Guest cottoncandyheart]

I understand both sides of this situation as I've been in the situation he's in (stressed, exhausted and being questioned to no end) and also yours.

 

All I can say is you're both in the wrong. Him possibly more than you but both nonetheless. If you're aware of his work schedule and how hectic it can be there's only one thing for you to do really and that's accept it and be understanding. My daddy at the moment has the same type of work hours as you described and I understand how it can be ridiculously heartbreaking and upsetting to not hear from your daddy or s/o for so long but being suspicious or not trusting them will just stress them out to a further extent. Him calling you a name was unreasonable but you have to factor in his stress levels and how it would feel to be put on the spot after a long day's work when really he just needs you to be understanding; this doesn't mean him calling you names is acceptable though.

 

I think you both need to communicate what led up to this, why it happened and what both of you did to contribute to the bad situation and then apologize for the role that you both played in this. Nobody is saying that his behavior is acceptable, just think about how you could have also contributed and then both of you move forward from it together accepting that neither one of your behaviors were really mature; that's what being an adult in an adult relationship is about, right? Heck, what do I know? 

Thanks for this hun. I agree I should've been more understanding, I spoke to him again today and made it clear that name calling is a no go. And yes it is sooo heartbreaking to be away from him for so long, but I feel more sorry for him because he's the one constantly working. Thanks <3