DD with wife lg that wants D/s with someone else

[Daddy-k1]

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, and until recently didn't realize that we fell into the DDlg dynamic very naturally. That I had always been a caretaker for her, and didn't know there was a title for this type of relationship until more recently. She had been put in a position of having to be a leader or dominant in the family because I was away at work so much, and almost a year ago began to struggle with that responsibility. She was contacted by an old friend/ex-boyfriend that was very alpha/dominant and began having a discussion with him, then decided she wished to be in a submissive role to him against my wishes, eventually gaining my consent, but then found out that most of the relationship was Sexting, chaos ensued, and now her ex-boyfriend is out of our life. However The release and safety she felt being someone submissive truly attracted her, and despite trying to enjoy the DDL G dynamic with me, she is adamant that she wishes to have a separate long distance relationship with someone that is more Alpha, and experienced as a dominant. I have struggled with this, because of the distrust from the first foray into D/S, But was sold the idea that there would be no direct or physical contact, would remain long distance, And was separate from our marriage and DDL G relationship with no impact on it. However I'm in the situation now where I don't feel comfortable, and I've never felt comfortable physically sharing my wife with somebody else, and she is finally define to DS that sexual relations are expected. So I finally put my foot down that there would be no local D/S relationships, any long-distance D/S relationship would have no face-to-face time or meeting, and I'm trying to find a balance where she can seek guidance or structure from a dominant , As she does not believe I am alpha enough, and we have had some trust issues in the past that she would feel unsafe surrendering to me completely. So my question to the forum is how can I go about safely allowing her to fill this need, rebuilding our trust so I don't feel like I have to keep checking her messages on her phone, and keep her interested in the DDLG relationship because as she works so hard on pleasing others, we are being forgotten in the process, Or our priority minimized. She has not been sexually unfaithful to me, but does have fantasies about other men, explaining that she had few boyfriends before we married in early 20s in college, but I have no interest in a poly relationship with others. How can I find resources to help me reinforce the DDL G relationship, and enrich it so that it is more enticing to her, or any advice from somebody that's been in a similar situation I would appreciate it.

[chameleon]

Good evening.

I can fully understand the dilemmas you both face with regards to these sensitive issues.

I have been a Dom and Daddy also a Master to several ladies to whom I will be eternally grateful.

 

What you must ask yourself is am I resisting this concept because of my own insecurities or fears of jealousy. One also has to consider this from the female outlook.

 

Better a willing volunteer rather than a chosen victim.

 

You may find that it will make your relationship much stronger.

Ask yourself this question.

If the roles were reversed and you were approached by a lady for a similar situation what would you do?

 

As long as everyone us safe and everyone feel strong about their relationship and enjoy themselves then go for it.

[Princess-P]

I disagree with the above advise. You are uncomfortable with the situation therefore that should be the end of it. Step out of tour Daddy/little roles and your just a married couple. As two people who are supoaed to care for each other more than anything then she should not make you feel like this is something you have to agree with.

 

The underlying issue here is trust. She broke yours. And you say she doesn't trust you enough to submit to you... It sounds like you two could use some counseling. What ever happened to damage the trust needs to be addressed and resolved.

 

Work on the relationship between the two of you first. Beyond any rolls, just as people. If you can repair the damage then maybe explore a more dominant side of yourself. Ease into it. But under no circumstances should you even feel uncomfortable in your relationship and as you've expressed that you are not Polly and have no interest in a Polly relationship then that should be the end of discussion.

 

If she's not happy with just you and unwilling to work on your problems then take that as a sign that the whole "needing an alpha male" is just an excuse.

[Daddy-k1]

Chameleon,

I do appreciate your response and the benefit of your experience, however I do disagree with your assessment. My insecurities in the situation come from a combination of her being dishonest, and now the drifting away from our core relationship with very little attention towards it on her part. As I said married for 15 years and with three kids, Much of this feels like a midlife crisis on her part, but at the same time I believe she is trying to be true to how she feels and be honest finally. You may have a point to some of the insecurities are because of change, and fear of losing her, but to answer the question you posed if situations were reversed and a woman came to me telling me she was married but needed something outside of that and even if her husband was OK with it I wouldn't mess with that, in my experience I found it's very hard to keep a single woman completely happy, it's a full-time job. And coming from home with infidelity in it growing up, I would never want to be part of the other side of that equation. I guess much of me just wishes to explore the DDLG aspect of us, and to encourage that part of it to grow versus seeking something else for fear that she can't keep my interest. I just hate feeling like as if I am the bad guy here, being told I'm selfish because I'm not considering her needs, and being in the caretaker role full-time for the kids, being the only working parent, and not finding a good way for Self care with this is just making it overwhelming.

 

Where we have settled at this point, is her having a mentor and long-distance Dom with the non-sexual relationship. That way she can get her questions about her sub inclinations answered, and validation of one from somebody that has experience. But at the same time I feel like so much energy is being spent focusing on that not very little development of our relationship is happening, and a big part of that comes from my own experience and the DDL inclinations answered, and validation of one from somebody that has experience. But at the same time I feel like so much energy is being spent focusing on that not very little development of our relationship is happening, and a big part of that comes from my own experience and the DDlg role. So mainly I'm just trying to understand the different resources out there and then try to find a way to make it more for filling for both of us. But at the same time I struggle with the fact that I don't have any friends that I trust to open up to about this aspect of my life and personality, so it's very challenging to be able to voice these concerns in a way that I feel safe for me, professionally and personally

[Daddy-k1]

Princess-P,

I agree very much about the issue of trust, I feel like so much more time is spent trying battle lines instead of communicating and connecting for us. In the past when we have tried counseling together, she felt as if she was being singled out by the therapist and myself, being judge, and with this volatile or sensitive topic, I hesitate to suggest therapy again because I don't want her to feel like I'm judging her for her feelings. From the first moment we started joining the BDSM community, everyone always stresses safe, sane, consensual, and communication, but it's difficult when you're married to somebody what they want maybe so different. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, it's therapeutic being able to actually talk about this in a format that feels like it's been heard. I continue to get posts from the different discussions and fetlife brought to me by her saying see other people have these kinds of multi relationship lifestyle successfully, but she fails to realize how uncomfortable it makes me, and after 20 years of feeling like shit too much responsibility now she is swinging so Far in the other direction to wanting to surrender completely as a submissive that I don't trust her judgment when she does for another man, because I know that will be a lien that when she crosses will break our marriage era parable he irreparably. When I try to fulfill my responsibilities in the daddy role, Including giving her tasks, trying to make sure there's time for it enjoy being a little, taking care of her, I feel like it's a bottomless pit that I can throw everything into and it won't be enough, which makes it hard to keep trying. maybe a ride for time just stopping at this being a married couple, no rolls, just focusing on the two of us would be the best thing, try to bring that up and see if we can make that happen. Thank you again

[Guest ZenDD]

I think you need to find out whether the fact that "you're not alpha enough" is the real reason she desires a relationship with someone else. Make no mistake, it's another "relationship". It's a real, emotional connection she seeks. But are you really not enough of an alpha to her? Or is it that you aren't around enough? Or is it that she wants to experiment with polyamory? The fact that she's adamant, and that you are uncomfortable and yet go along with it definitely add up to you not being alpha enough for her needs. Maybe it was a test? Maybe she wanted the alpha in you to rise up and say "absolutely not, you're my wife, my little girl."

 

Sometimes marriages can get stagnant, and it's common for two people that have been married for as long as you two have, to feel like your relationship is in a bit of a rut. Sometimes we seek some excitement from the routine. But sometimes we seek an escape from deeper issues that can plague the relationship. Is the connection between the two of you as strong as it could be? Is there still a romantic spark? Have you paid enough attention to your relationship, cared for it, nurtured it? Do you still "date" your wife, and try new things together, spend time together? How is your sex life? Are there logistical pressures like work, debt, family life that is putting extra pressure on the relationship?

 

If all of these things are being taken care of and aren't directly an issue with your relationship, then her interest in a connection outside of your marriage could be a sign that she is growing apart from you, or that she is evolving as a person and realizes that her needs can no longer be met within your relationship. This new connection could be a slippery slope and if you aren't 100% on board, then you're doing no one any favors by conceding to her wishes. If she loves and respects you, and values your marriage, wants to work on reconnecting with you, and still values the monogamy that you seem to be indicating that you believe in, then she will not want to continue seeking a relationship elsewhere. But If you don't agree with her search, and she's still adamant, then that tells you that there is more to this and that you both really need to do some soul searching and reassess your relationship. You should both be true to yourselves, and follow paths that feel right to both of you. Good luck, and take care.

Edited October 26, 2016 by ZenDD

[Daddy-k1]

Thank you ZenDD,

Thank you for your insightful and supportive message. Like many of your postings, you seem very eloquent, and your perspective on things is helpful. After reading it I spent a great deal of time thinking what would be best for our marriage, and for our relationship, as well as what she needed. Once she defined that any D/S relationship outside of the marriage would have sex included, it became very black-and-white with my comfort level. And this morning she was told there would be no other relationships for her outside of our marriage. Her flirtatious behavior with other men, has been curtailed, and I've instructed her that will be working on our issues, before she tries to do anything with other people. She's obviously upset, but even if it takes couples counseling, I believe it's the best choice for us, I hope after the initial anger settled, this will help us to refocus on our relationship is the priority, and rebuild or solid foundation that saw us through 15 years of being married. Communication is open and transparent now, and I have much more hope for the future and for us now that I put my foot down and encouraged her to realize what is and is not going to be tolerable . I've just decided to stand up for what matters to me instead of trying to be unconditionally supportive at this point, and I hope it works out for the best. Thanks again to everyone for their opinions

[Princess-P]

I really and truely believe that every person knows what's right for their relationship. However you don't sound convinced that this is the right path for the two of you and there lies your problem.

 

It is unfortunate that she feels singles out durin counseling but it really may be your best hope. Sad to say but generally when people feel defensive over open and honest conversation its because there is an underlying secret they are holding onto.

 

I agree that coming out of your rolls and focusing on the two of you as a couple is absolutely necessary. While the rolls may feel natural and be a part of who you genuinely are she may be focusing on that far too much and there for seeing what she's missing rather then focusing on the bigger picture.

 

While I can't say I've been in as long of a relationship as 15 years I have been with my Daddy for almost 9. A lot of different things can put a strain on relationships. We are also parents, home owners, both hold full time demanding careers, and its very easy to let those things get the best of you and start to drift apart. Sometimes it feels like the easy solution is the best one because adding another stressor to the equation is just too daunting. But in the long run if BOTH partners are not happy it will tear the relationship apart so conceding to ones wishes when you don't wholeheartedly agree won't actually solve anything.

 

Maybe if counseling isn't for you for whatever reason try a different rout. There are many at home exercises you can do to help strengthen your relationship and reopen lines of communication to get to the true underlying issue. There may also be over the phone confidential counseling available where you live. I know we have a free family counseling service where I live that you can call into to get a push in the right direction. Free of charge and over the phone.

 

Explore your options but I say don't make yourself miserable trying to appease her. tell her you dont feel comfortable with her seeking an outside relationship and that yoy want to focus on the two of you. If you want to solve whatever the true problem here is you need to be just as open and honest as she needs to be.

[Princess-P]

And of course I'm late posting because you just responded above me lol.

[Daddy-k1]

Princess-P,

I completely understand what you mean about other pressures that affect the relationship. With three children, trying to support a household, and her with some level of medical disability. It has been challenging, but we've been successful in keeping our marriage together in over the last year finding a much better dynamic for us. I don't know if it will come to counseling, I think we would benefit from it, but for now it's just been that there's a strict moratorium on inappropriate behavior with other individuals, and very clear definition that there will be no other relationship outside of our marriage.

 

She is resistant to it, but I think a lot of that comes from some of our issues that we've had in the past, so we're going for working on those together, showing her I still care is her Daddy, not just her husband. I had done a good job of reinvigorating or date life each week with babysitters, much to my chagrin we seem to have a hard Time keeping them as they continue to move in and out of town and get full-time jobs. As we discover the BDSM community here locally over the last six months it's been very welcoming, and when were around others she is very much in the role of a little, and very respectful, and completely has my heart. I hope we can work through this trust issues together, and I will make sure she never forgets how important she is. Thank you again everybody for your wonderful feedback, this forum has been wonderful, and although my first time on reaching out for assistance and help with an issue i'm glad I'm part of it.