Not so dominant daddy?

[Caring King]

I've been into it with my gf/little for about 9 months now, and it's been a crazy ride. I feel as though I don't understand a lot, and trying to get our ddlg relationship to work has been pretty hard. At the start, we've had several fights and near break-ups over it, largely me punishing her in the wrong way, or mix ups with rules. Currently our rule system is nearly non existent, and there's no set punishment for anything.

No swearing, unless it's serious, no talking bad about yourself, no drugs, no self harm, and take care of yourself are the only ones I remember. (They were saved on my hard-drive that got wiped)
I also don't tell her to do much, a lot of it is request or ask. Being that this is my first ddlg relationship, and im still relatively new to the scene, I look to how other have rules for their littles and enforce them, or get them to do certain things out of respect or fear of punishment, and I worry that it's bad that our relationship isn't like this, even though as far as I can tell, every other ddlg relationship has these things.

Overall, this has led me to become a less dominant and more just caring daddy. I love and nurture her, but not much more than that. I find the term caregiver to apply to me more than dominant daddy, but I still love being called daddy.

So I have to ask, can you be a daddy without being all that dominant? Can you have a ddlg relationship without the rules and orders? Where a little doesn't fear for punishment if she doesn't do as the daddy says, nor the daddy really telling her to do much at all beyond little requests?

I'm very insecure in my role currently, and feel like I'm doing it wrong, even though my little says I'm a wonderful daddy.

[Vince]

first off just wanting to put this out there due to my own misunderstandings about daddy doms.

dominant doesn't mean rough or demanding or punishment, it just means in charge. you should have some rules, but you decide them WITH her And the punishments, communication is important. I also recommend a safeword and the understanding that if it is used to stop and that nobody did anything wrong.  

I am a " tender daddy" I rarely punish and am more about support and guidance. and that's perfectly fine. I still get stern if rules pt in place for baby's safety are broke, but that's pretty much it.

[Caring King]

I don't know how I feel about rules though, they're hard to enforce, there's grey areas where I'm unsure if it should be punished or not, or what the punishment should be. I've had bad experiences with them as previously mentioned.

[Beasourous]

Being a daddy Dom doesnt mean you have to be demanding or fierce. You can be nurturing and reasonable. Even when rules are broken, there isnt a need for harsh punishment. You can talk and tell her where did she do wrong.

 

Communication on what both parties want is important. Rules and punishment can be determined by both of you. it also depends on what your little wants and demands for. 

[Caring King]

But can you be a daddy without rules or with very few rarely enforced rules? And I know it doesn't need to be harsh, but it's still uncomfortable.

[Guest Bam Bam]

Hey friend. I only have 4 real rules for my princess and they are there to help her. To answer your question, no you don't have to be a dominate daddy. I've heard of submissive daddies and dominate littles. Daddy's are just suppose to nurture and guide the little. Just do your thing. Don't change who you are just because others don't agree with you. All that matters is yours little and yours happiness.

[HeCallsMePrincess]

you don't have to be a dom to be a daddy, there are plenty of daddies who aren't. I feel this lifestyle is fluid that way. the most important thing is that you are both happy with the relationship. talk to her. some littles need more rules and need them enforced strictly. you need to find out what you need and what you  are comfortable with providing.

[PrincessClara]

But can you be a daddy without rules or with very few rarely enforced rules? And I know it doesn't need to be harsh, but it's still uncomfortable.

  

 

To answer your question, yes you can still be Daddy without rules or having very few rules. There is no "rule book for DD/lg" that everyone must follow. You and your Princess should come up with however many rules you both feel is important. The ones you have sound like a great start. Now all you need to do is discuss with her what punishments she is okay with. My Daddy and I don't have many rules right now because I'm still learning and honestly I just don't need that many rules anyway. The biggest thing is to talk to your little about what she wants/needs/is comfortable with and create something together that you both can adhere to. Discuss what punishments she is okay with and would expect from you etc. You'll find your balance together! 

[Baby_squirrel]

If your little says your doing a fine job and your still feeling insecure just ask her how you can be better! Have a cuddle session, get snuggly and comfy then ask away. Be prepared to hear some improvements you may not like or don't think need fixing, but mostly be open and consider what she says. You don't have to agree with everything, but coming to a well thought out agreement in the end is important.

 

And ofcourse you can be a daddy without many rules or punishments.I call them CUDDLY DADDIES! I'm looking for one of my own, so as Bam Bam says don't change who you are and don't be discouraged. DDlg isn't just to support littles, daddies get some help along the way too. Don't fear asking your little for a bit of guidance.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Baby_squirrel

[Snugglebum Princess]

I think the whole point to "rules" and "punishments" is that you both get something out of them. 

My Daddy likes to give me rules and have me follow them because it makes him feel needed and relied upon. 

I like them because they make me feel safe and cared for. 

Some people have rules that make them feel a little naughty and they are fun (e.g. Princess has to send you a pic of her undies everyday)

Its all about what works for you and why you are doing it in the first place. You most certainly can have a DDlg/ CGl relationship without rules if that is what makes both of you happy. But the key word is BOTH. It may upset her that you don't want to have rules for her because, like me, it makes her feel safe and cared for. I agree with everyone else that the key is communication. Have a chat and see what you both NEED out of this dynamic. 

And most importantly... HAVE FUN!

[Baby_squirrel]

Someone bumped the other pose for new daddy advice already. There aeew many like it, doing a search could be helpful.

 

This one wasn't what I thought it was. Still may be a good read.

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4173-punishment-necessary/?fromsearch=1

[Guest Nobodyspecial]

Something that might help is not to look at it so much like rules and punishments...just guidelines to help your little be and feel her best..and instead of punisents think of it as discipline..for me punishments means I've been really bad to the point Daddy wants me to feel bad for what I've done and make sure I know not to do it again whether I know why it was bad or not...but with discipline you take the time to do something to let your little know she messed up but explain it to her so she understands why you were upset with her or why she's in trouble and then reassure her you still care and work on how you can make it better together...I'm very scarred from punishments so I've learned the difference the hard way but my current Daddy is teaching me that even though he is a bit harsh it is for my own good and through it all I still know he loves me...

[Caring King]

I talked to my little one, and she said she does like rules, depending on what they are. So I'm going to work with her on updating them, and trying to find suitable punishments. I'll likely do something simple like warnings for the minor ones. Last set of rules I had separated into degrees of severity, and I'm likely going to do the same for these. While all rules should be followed, there's a big difference between being rude to daddy and cutting. Thank you for your responses. I've always known communication is the key to a good relationship, but for whatever reason, I'm pretty hesitant about asking my little one about being a daddy. Maybe I feel like since I'm the one being responsible and in control, that I should have it all figured out? idk... will keep everyone posted on the rules, and ask if i need help with anything else. Thank you again everyone.

[PapaMax]

There's not much I can add to this that hasn't already been said, however I will say communication is the key. Every little I've known has always sort of expected me to be psychic and kind of know exactly what they wanted and what kind of boundaries they wanted without ever saying, it's just something they do In other words you will need to ask the questions and get the information from them as someone who is naturally submissive will be shy to volunteer the information on their own.

[Vince]

turth be told, it just makes sense to me to ask a little what they think should be rules and what the punishments should be. thats not to say you don't make alterations as you see fit, just the ways or the relationship should be defined by both of you. and remember daddies and mommies are people too, we have fears and insecurities too, its ok not to have all the answers.

good luck.

[FLdaddy]

Ok first off let's explain what a daddy dom should be. Now this is only my opinion so take it for what it is. The most obvious thing you can see every one has different explanations of it but it does fall into a few simple little traits. What is a Daddy Dom. Well, to start with, a Daddy Dom is first and foremost a Dominant. His choice is to be a Daddy Dom, this does not mean incest (as has been said in the past by ignorant people) rather a Daddy Dom is One who cares for, nutures, shapes, and molds his babygirl into the image He thinks she should become. He sees in her someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He often times believes more in her, than she believes in herself.

 

His love for his babygirl goes without question. He loves her as much for who she is, as for what she will become with His guidance. she is …… His prized possession. a Daddy’s eyes will light up when she comes into a room and take great pride in her success’s. Afterall, He helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of His heart and has greatest power to hurt Him.

 

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to Him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given Him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to Him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with Him.

 

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, His discipline is more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know He means what He says. If His little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be He must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and His knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

 

If He does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If His submissive finds that she can manipulate Him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

 

This takes great strength on His part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to His needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all He wants to do is hold her safe in His arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

 

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to His submissive…acceptance. She is safe in His arms because He knows her, everything about her, and He still loves her. When she goes to Him she knows that this Man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To Him she is and always will be beautiful.

 

A Daddy Dom and a Sadistic Dom are by no means mutually exclusive. Many Daddy Doms embrace their sadism while understanding and feeding their submissive’s masochism. This balance is necessary to many little girls because it allows all parts of her to be nourished, leading to an incredibly fulfilling relationship.

 

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of Male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

 

Now with all that said and as many people have stated that you do not need to be forceful! Yes there is a difference between a daddy dom and a daddy. Hope this helps!

[ziva vlad's kitten]

One thing you can do...

Just because something has a specific punishment doesn't mean you actually have to do it. You might decide that it would be counterproductive to punish her that way this particular time. That is the advantage of being the DD, you are the boss. Do acknowledge that she broke the rule, so she doesn't think she somehow has pulled the wool over eyes, most littles don't actually want to do that. Then let her know why you are not going to give her the punishment.

 

Examples:

“you've had a really rough day.”

“I think we went overboard when we decided what the punishment was, it's too harsh and I want to rewrite it.” (I have something about like this happen, my Owner isn't comfortable with punish spankings.)

“I see how sincere your apology is, and I decide to give you grace this time, but don't do it again.”

 

 

 

Most relationships don't have the rules spelled out. That doesn't mean they're not there. In vanilla relationships even, there are often unwritten rules. I find that more comfortable to have the rules written down, so that I know when I'm breaking one.

[IchigoHime]

I personally think you can be a Daddy without being overly dominant. For me a Daddy is someone who cares for and guides their little. If you both don't feel there needs to be rules, then you don't need them. If your little wants rules but you are not really sure about them, you could just come up with some guidelines for things she should already be doing. My Daddy doesn't have too many rules for me mostly things like not hurting myself or cursing around Daddy and avoiding people who do not respect that I have a Daddy (or boyfriend to those in the vanilla world). But also rules for things I do anyway like taking care of myself. (Sometimes my depression gets me in moods where I don't even want to shower, etc so rules were made to keep me doing them despite the depression.) The fear of disappointing Daddy is enough to keep me from breaking my rules.

[daddies_velvet_kitty]

You don't have to be the "normal" idea of a daddy to be a daddy. As long as you love and nurture her and make her feel special you are doing an amazing job. Nobody can tell you how to be a dom. But you could be like my daddy who wasn't too dominant at the beginning of our relationship, but grew into his role the more he got a better feel for it. But you don't have to, you simply might feel more dominant the more experience you have with your little. But if your asking for rule and punishment advice here is how me and my daddy do things. 

 

We use rules as lists of guidelines or things he wants me to do everyday, example: text him what i wear every morning-so he can approve the outfit, tell him what i eat at every meal-so he knows i'm eating well (we are semi ldr), make sure I drink a whole water bottle-to keep me hydrated and healthy, make sure I'm on time to class- so I don't get a bad mark, bedtime is midnight-so I get a good nights sleep every night etc etc. For me I see my rules as ways to connect with my daddy and involve him in my life AND a way to keep me on track and doing good in my personal life. It's important that you make up these rules with your little so she feels comfortable with what you are asking of her. 

 

How we use is punishments is we have divided our rules into sections- some rules if broken have small/medium/large punishments. So if I forget to tell him what I ate for lunch I get a small punishment. This way I know exactly which rules correspond with which punishments from the get go. That way you know exactly what punishment is fitting for the rule broken. This way you don't feel like your arbitrarily giving out punishments.  Of course talk to your little about what punishments would work for her. 

 

But all of this is relative you don't have to be like every other couple you see because every relationship is different. I hope this helped a little bit and good luck with your relationship! 

[Guest Deimos]

Also wanna say have seen more then one cares giver use as people said guidelines and if u want to avoid fear of punishment as means of control .. you can use excitement for rewards when she takes care of all her important work she earns sth she enjoys .. the structure in my opinion no matter how its handled just builds and reinforces bond between the two involved but in most important it is your dynamic and if your happy nothing else really matters