Once Dominance is lost, is there any hope?

[Jray88]

I wrote lost, not meaning that entirely. In all actuality my little/sub has been quite testing or bratty as of recent to my dismay I have been having quite the difficulty retaining dominance because I find myself lost. When we first started I was confident in control, and she submitted quite easily. I understand it may be a part of how DD/lg or D/s relationship may progress or it may have been a result of me being to lenient. I feel as though this will put a hindrance in our relationship together. However, when this occurs no matter what I say or how i say it or the threats for punishments severe or not she continues to be. I do not have a stern voice its non existent for me. What I am trying to accomplish with this post is finding help regaining Dominance. She has made it very clear that she is devoted to me and still wants to be my sub. I just need to find ways of getting control back. It is difficult to talk to her about it because she has a hard time expressing her thoughts and feelings which she is somewhat unsure about. I feel like it is my purpose as a Dominant to learn anything I can to help reassure her that I know what I'm doing, because I don't want to scare her. I've been honest with her about not knowing sometimes how to react to certain things she does when she lashes out or continuously disobeys.

 Any comments or opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[Strawberry Sprinkles]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I wanted to submit to my Dom but I felt as if he was too lenient. I lashed out and acted the fool, breaking every rule imaginable to try and trigger that resting Dom within. I didn't realize, that with doing that, I was sending very conflicting feelings to him which only made it worse. I ignored threats of punishment and continued to do as I want, yet I felt scared when I had too much freedom.

 

I'm horrible at communicating my wants, which is what started our scenario as well. The fact is... the problem might lay with her, as it did with myself. Yes, I don't feel comfortable communicating, but that's what as to be done as adults. Yes, you may be a Dominant, but you're a human and not some toy to fulfill her whelms. 

 

What I'm trying to say is, that it's great you're trying to learn new techniques and skills but your submissive has to address her own problems as well. While it's fun to have your submission taken, you also have to learn to submit even if you don't particularly feel like it. You could try writing a letter to one another, looking through websites for ideas to spice up the relationship, and finding ways to bond together as submissive and dominant. I love it when my partner gives me tasks throughout the day! I like to send pictures confirming I did each thing as asked.

Edited October 23, 2016 by Strawberry Sprinkles

[Guest blah911]

I wouldn't worry about a stern voice I don't think that really matters in most cases.  I think it's reall important to be consistent on enforcing rules.  If you've let her break rules without punishment then I'd admit to her that you've made a mistake and going forward your not going to be as lenient.  If you haven't let her break rules maybe she is enjoying the punishment you giving for rule breaking and new punishments should be considered. Again I stress consistency is extremely important

[Jray88]

I feel sort of the same as you mentioned just conflicting feelings because i want to be perfect for her, however I am not positive how to maintain that dominance with all of the "freedom" I guess I've given her. I feel like if I re-issue the rules it will throw her off, make her feel very unstable. I know if i do and she agree's it wont be immediate because she's used to having freedom. Another part of it is I myself don't have a very stern voice my voice in general isn't monotone by any means. I just don't have a very commanding voice to send that chill down her spine when shes in trouble. So i need to find ways to make that thrill of potential punishment in order to do the things she needs to do.

[Jray88]

Also i appreciate your comment on the stern voice. I agree with you consistency is key. I will take that step as well.

[Guest ZenDD]

First of all, kudos to you for taking responsibility as a Daddy and not laying the blame squarely on your little/sub. It goes both ways of course, and hopefully she is a willing participant in wanting to address this situation. From what you've written, it seems as though she is. Of course, you know that here is no one way to exert Dominance, as there is no one way to submit. D/s depends on, and is guided by, the natural characteristics of each person, and is specific and unique to their relationship.

 

I don't know how well you know each other, how long you have been in a relationship, or how long you've been involved in a D/s relationship. Hopefully you have taken the appropriate time to get to know one another, and that you have asked many questions regarding her motivation and needs surrounding her involvement in DDlg/CGl. Hopefully these questions have run the gamut from her psychology to her physiology, and you've had the time and given the energy to determine whether or not the two of you were compatible as DDlg partners. The both of you being interested in or needing DDlg dynamics in your lives does not automatically make you compatible, of course.

 

Assuming you have done all of the aforementioned, then it's important to remember that we all evolve as people. Our physical and psychological needs evolve. Through the beginnings of our BDSM practice, we begin to focus and refine our tastes. We start to understand more and more our specific desires and expectations. We begin to determine if it's something we need more of, less of, if it's implemented at certain times, places, and moods, or if it's a dynamic we need/want 24/7. We also should be aware if our specific BDSM needs, interests, and actions, are indeed SSC, "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". We want to make sure that our participation is a part of an overall healthy life as an individual, and as a partner in a relationship. It shouldn't overshadow the needs or logistics of other important factors of our lives and relationship. Make sure all of these issues are taken care of, and that your current issues with your D/s dynamic is not a symptom of other problems in your commitment to each other.

 

With all of that being said, it sounds like your partner is acting out more because she requires a firmer hand. She may want you to be more stern, and implement more serious, or different, or more, punishments. Make sure you are fully aware of the things she truly values, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Make sure you understand which of those values are necessary for her productivity and immediate health, and which of these values are privileges. It is those privileges that become tools for punishment. Make sure those punishments don't involve emotional or physical detachment from you. Make sure you and she know the clear difference between "play" punishment, and "real" punishment. And be sure to be in agreement over whether or not you both will use either/or. Also make sure that rules and punishments are written down clearly, and agreed upon before implementation.

 

These things may or may not be your issue at all, and may not solve the problem, but hopefully they can begin a conversation in which the both of you can figure out what is needed. If indeed you both determine that you need to step up the intensity, then you can do so without being afraid that you're doing the wrong thing. As always, begin carefully, stay aware, pay attention to her physical and psychological reactions, err on the side of safety, push and find the limits, then respect the limits once you find them. Always give the kind of aftercare she needs. Take care, good luck!

[Jray88]

That was so beautifully written, I am very impressed and also very happy with these comments so far I can't thank you guys enough please keep them coming. I will keep updating this thread on how things are working out if that is anyone's interest. Of course with her permission first and nothing nsfw will be talked about mainly just responses to things that we have talked about re-worded of course.

[Secret-ingredient]

as aforementioned have you discussed a limit to boundaries if not do that first so you can make appropriate punishments when she misbehaves that wont push her to far but a little tip the easiest way to put a brat back on the tracks is to unnerve her try having a  blindfold wearing as a punishment dose not have to be a sexual thing but if the mood strikes can easily be made one not only that but her awareness will increase the first time you do it (she will be expecting something else while she is blindfolded.... DO NOT do anything but this) while shes in this state talk to her and tell her exactly what she has done wrong no and ifs or buts don't dwell on it to much tell her shes a good girl for accepting punishment give her a cuddle make her wait 2 minutes to remind her its a punishment remove the blindfold after appropriate punishment time.

 

feel free to put your own swing on this based on your situation but its something that worked well for me in the past a little can easily become a brat if they take advantage of their daddy especially if he is extra caring

 

GOOD LUCK  

[HeCallsMePrincess]

consistency. as a little, I will be bratty when I think my Daddy is being too lenient. I will push him, but I don't usually have to push too hard because he doesn't threaten punishments, he does them. if you give a warning first, that's fine. but you need to act immediately if she continues her behavior. some of us need harder dd's. and your voice doesn't matter. you don't need a deep, intimidating voice to do that job. YOU need to do the job. but kudos for recognizing that her behavior may be a result of somewhere you're lacking. not all daddies can do that, or are willing to.

[Jray88]

You guys again are so awesome. Thank you so much for all your input, I really try to make my best effort in everything I do. I feel another part of it is because we were use to spending so much time together and now through this long distance relationship our lives have become very very busy not to mention a 5 hour time difference and the only way of communicating is when she gets home. I still message her every chance I get even if I am at work or busy because she is so very important to me. I don't want to place the blame on our busy lives or the time difference though I feel it is a small contributing cause, she's busy all day and I feel the last thing she wants when she comes home is to be told what to do. I am starting to realize now that it may actually be opposite because she is missing that so much and now that I have been extremely lenient because of that she is starting to feel distance. I will do everything i can to regain her attention and show her I care in every way and will not falter to it again.

[Guest SifuTheWolf]

You may want to take a second look at your rules, decide which ones are really important to you. My little questions everything and loves testing my fences all day long, if I had a bunch of rules over things I didn't really care about she would wear me smooth out. She is extremely mischievous/playful/intelligent and needs room to be herself, she enjoys being bratty, rolling her eyes and cussing like a sailor etc, but  she knows what's important to me and that I will come down like a ton of bricks on her pretty little head if she crosses the line. Every now and then she will do something just to "test me", I never fail to make her wish she hadn't, when I come down on her it helps to satisfy her worry about whether I still care or not, it comforts her. She needs me to be strong and not give in, I owe her the peace of mind that only my dominance can provide. You owe it to your little not to be a wet dishrag, also, if she isn't already keeping a journal/blog/diary that she shares with only you it's high time she began doing so, by reading her private thoughts you will gain alot of insight as to what she needs.