Little that needs some help

[Guest lil-kitten22]

Hi all Caregivers.

So I met someone and he and I are planing on starting our relationship once he fully settles in (he just moved cross country). We haven't gone into much detail as far as aftercare/safeword goes. I had a very abusive past and my safeword was always ignored, I was told to just suck it up. Long story short, I don't believe that safewords really work...idk how to bring this up and handle it with him. How would you all deal with this setback?

Another thing is aftercare. I've never had aftercare...I know he gives it after any rope play, but idk how to respond to actually getting aftercare. Help?

The last thing I need help with is how to deal with the anniversary of horrid things happened. It's almost to the one year of when I was raped by my "daddy" at the time. I want to spend time with this new person (he and I are already settling into a slight dynamic) but I'm also really worried of how he would react to the situation (he does know I was raped). Would you want to be with your lil at a time like that, or would it be to angering and hard to handle knowing that happened? And how would you take care of your lil?

Please give me any advice and help you can.

Thanks!

Lil-kitten22

[BigDogg]

i would just ask your new daddy if you can tell him about your past and then spill the beans.....i believe that true ddlg relationships that work are very open and honest.....just my 2 cents.....good luck and congrats on the new daddy

[Guest Switch_Ewen]

All relationships, especially bdsm ddlg ones are built on trust. If I where you I would let him know about your past relationship, I know it may be hard to tell him but it'll really help him. I would prefer to know my little's troubles and history so I can accommodate for her issues as to avoid trigger scenarios and to be able to talk if she wants to

[Johnny Hammersticks]

I would absolutly be with my little at a time like that. A Daddy should be your rock, he should give you strength and courage. He should wrap you up in his loving arms and protect you. He should talk softly and sweetly to you til the monsters go away.

 

Times like you describe, are when a CG should really shine.

[Guest lil-kitten22]

Thanks for all the replies! The main problem in this situation tho is he isn't my Daddy yet.

And also how would you deal with a lil that doesn't trust safewords?

[Daddy4SubLg]

I agree with El Fuego. And add in the issue of safe words. It's the Little's responsibility to inform Daddy or Care Giver. The Daddy/CG should support. Love. And carefully work with Little. And stop as and when necessary. Till Daddy is truly trusted and the terrible monsters start fading a bit, Daddy will be likely seen as CareGiver. Trust builds with time and closeness. Daddy will need to be patient and loving. Little will need to try though talk with Daddy honestly.

Peace to you both.

[Johnny Hammersticks]

Thanks for all the replies! The main problem in this situation tho is he isn't my Daddy yet.

And also how would you deal with a lil that doesn't trust safewords?

Well, being that he isnt your daddy yet, it is a good time to see how he handles a situation like yours. He will have to be extra sensitive to your needs, and know your comfort level to a point where a safeword isnt even needed. He can gently nudge your boundries, but should also be able to sense when things are getting uncomfortable for you, then back off on pushing boundries.

 

Imo, a good CG should be very instinctual, and adapt to his particular littles needs. Thats a Daddys job, to just know what to do

[LolitasDaddy]

There's nothing wrong, or non functional about safe words, the problem lies in the waste of skin who didn't respect them. Hopefully he's in jail, and getting his fair share of non-consensual play.

 

Discuss all limits, hard and soft, and when you first get the least bit uncomfortable, try using your safe word before you are at a point where you are uncomfortable. Consider having a "yellow light" word that means you are starting to be uncomfortable with the current level of whatever.

 

If you have trust issues, I'd tell him that he can expect a marathon, and not a sprint. Stay friends as long as you need, and please, please, don't rush into the dynamic because you miss having a Daddy.

[Guest lil-kitten22]

I really appreciate all the help

He does already know about the rape and it almost being a year.

We already have some good trust built and more being added on. We've discussed things like my interest in rope, my medical conditions, and that for punishments I want my hand to be held durring; keep me from blocking as well as I know he is still there. He has figured out what relaxes me, and we discussed where marks can/can't be left.

I just struggle with letting someone I wanna be with know that I've been hurt enough that safewords/gestures don't mean anything. How would you all react to knowing your little was hurt that bad? How would you incorporate a new system for safety?

[LolitasDaddy]

i dont understand what you mean by "a new system of safety". If telling someone that you are at a limit doesn't work, nothing will. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the safe word system. It works for literally millions of people. If he's not a rapist, there should be nothing wrong with it. You are going to have to work on your trust issues together. It's the only way to fix this.

[Guest lil-kitten22]

i dont understand what you mean by "a new system of safety". If telling someone that you are at a limit doesn't work, nothing will. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the safe word system. It works for literally millions of people. If he's not a rapist, there should be nothing wrong with it. You are going to have to work on your trust issues together. It's the only way to fix this.

1. I trust him

2. I don't trust safewords. They don't work

3. I'm trying to find a new way to let him know I'm done that isn't me saying or signing anything.

[LolitasDaddy]

Safe words absolutely work. YOU don't trust them because of a past issue with someone else. If you aren't signing or saying something, I can't fathom something that would. If someone ignores your words, they'll ignore anything. I guess you could take some self defense classes, and learn to throw a punch.

[Guest lil-kitten22]

Safe words absolutely work. YOU don't trust them because of a past issue with someone else. If you aren't signing or saying something, I can't fathom something that would. If someone ignores your words, they'll ignore anything. I guess you could take some self defense classes, and learn to throw a punch.

Go jump off a bridge, Jerk. It wasn't one person, it was 5. So no, safewords don't work. Also, I know how to throw a punch plus i carry a knife and mace for my protection, starting after I got hurt a couple times and could afford them. And ya know, one thing doesn't always work for everyone *gasp*

[Guest ZenDD]

You seem to be having a communication issue as you don't feel comfortable speaking with him about all of the things you're asking us in the forum about. I'm not sure why that is, but this communication issue definitely shows that you aren't ready for this person to become your Daddy. Not only that, my concern is that if you don't have clear communication with this person, why would you even engage in BDSM activities with him? This is dangerous physically, and emotionally. He can't possibly be a good Dom if he's willing to engage in these activities with you without talking about boundaries, physical limitations, triggers, and psychology with you. A proper Dom always engages in very in-depth communication concerning all of these issues before attempting any sort of relationship or "scene" play of any sort.

 

Many in the BDSM community believe that safewords don't work. The reasoning is based on the idea that a submissive may not always be physically or psychology aware enough to be able to use the safeword, making it a useless technique. They have a point; if a subspace is really deep it may be difficult for a sub to be cognizant enough to use it. It all really depends on the kind of subspace someone tends to enter, as well as the kind of physical and psychological activity that is being engaged in. This is why it is very important for a Dom and sub to know each other well, to have a familiar and knowledegable connection outside of any subspace or BDSM activity; so that the Dom can understand and recognize your "default" levels of comfort/discomfort, pain/pleasure, consciousness/subconsciousness.

 

I'm glad you seem to have a good initial connection with this person, but you are far from being in a place of trust and confidence, and therefore even further from the ability to truly submit in a way that is, as adherents of BDSM call it, SSC; Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Please take the time to develop a better connection through communication and spending lots of non-sexual, non-BDSM oriented time with this person. He needs to know how to interpret your thinking and your body language. A good Dom who has enough information, time spent with you, and caring awareness overall, will even be able to predict your physical and psychological reactions, within reason, during play.

 

Attention paid to all of this will make the interaction between the two of you that much more profound, meaningful, and above all, safe, once you are ready. If he's pushing you, rushing you, and not asking you lots of in-depth psychological questions, as well as questions about your body (regarding senses), then this person doesn't truly know what they are doing. Be careful, have fun, take your time, good luck!

Edited October 18, 2016 by ZenDD

[LolitasDaddy]

Go jump off a bridge, Jerk. It wasn't one person, it was 5. So no, safewords don't work. Also, I know how to throw a punch plus i carry a knife and mace for my protection, starting after I got hurt a couple times and could afford them. And ya know, one thing doesn't always work for everyone *gasp*

Jerk? I wasn't even rude to you. 5 people didn't oblige your safe words? Maybe it's time to learn to pick a better mate.

[Guest lil-kitten22]

You seem to be having a communication issue as you don't feel comfortable speaking with him about all of the things you're asking us in the forum about. I'm not sure why that is, but this communication issue definitely shows that you aren't ready for this person to become your Daddy. Not only that, my concern is that if you don't have clear communication with this person, why would you even engage in BDSM activities with him? This is dangerous physically, and emotionally. He can't possibly be a good Dom if he's willing to engage in these activities with you without talking about boundaries, physical limitations, triggers, and psychology with you. A proper Dom always engages in very in-depth communication concerning all of these issues before attempting any sort of relationship or "scene" play of any sort.

 

Many in the BDSM community believe that safewords don't work. The reasoning is based on the idea that a submissive may not always be physically or psychology aware enough to be able to use the safeword, making it a useless technique. They have a point; if a subspace is really deep it may be difficult for a sub to be cognizant enough to use it. It all really depends on the kind of subspace someone tends to enter, as well as the kind of physical and psychological activity that is being engaged in. This is why it is very important for a Dom and sub to know each other well, to have a familiar and knowledegable connection outside of any subspace or BDSM activity; so that the Dom can understand and recognize your "default" levels of comfort/discomfort, pain/pleasure, consciousness/subconsciousness.

 

I'm glad you seem to have a good initial connection with this person, but you are far from being in a place of trust and confidence, and therefore even further from the ability to truly submit in a way that is, as adherents of BDSM call it, SSC; Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Please take the time to develop a better connection through communication and spending lots of non-sexual, non-BDSM oriented time with this person. He needs to know how to interpret your thinking and your body language. A good Dom who has enough information, time spent with you, and caring awareness overall, will even be able to predict your physical and psychological reactions, within reason, during play.

 

Attention paid to all of this will make the interaction between the two of you that much more profound, meaningful, and above all, safe, once you are ready. If he's pushing you, rushing you, and not asking you lots of in-depth psychological questions, as well as questions about your body (regarding senses), then this person doesn't truly know what they are doing. Be careful, have fun, take your time, good luck!

Thank you for actually saying stuff that will help. It's not that I'm afraid to bring this up to him, I am worried about it cuz past people have treated me bad from it, but I also want ideas to bring to the table. He and I have been spending time together that is completely non sexual. We will talk about things we like, and sometimes bdsm stuff.

He is the first guy I ever met who told me they didn't care about me not having sex, and even giving me examples from past relationships. I want everything with him to work. I want to be able to go to him and say I don't use/trust safewords, but maybe we can try this.

As far as the being with me on the anniversary, he has already just been with me because I was scared of the storm, but my main experience with those close to me who I tell about the rape just get angry rather then comforting/helping me.