Where do I fit in?

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

So Daddy and I had a vanilla relationship for the first year or so. Well, relatively vanilla. We are a married couple with kids. A few months after our wedding we decided we wanted to venture into sub/dom. At that time daddy and I were on opposite shifts and it was really hard on me. He worked 7 day weeks on second shift most of the time and I worked 5 day weeks on day shift.

 

Most of the first 3yrs of our sub/dom relationship was really just a joke. Sometimes I listened, but more often than not, I was very disobedient because it was a way to get extra attention. Daddy eventually stopped punishing me, and we fought. A lot.

 

We are now on the same shift and about a month ago I stumbled across a blog about DD/lg and it seemed to fit. I told Daddy I wanted to start it, and he agreed. It felt natural. We just fell into it.

 

Well I've been doing a lot of research and I'm not sure if I'm really a little or not... Daddy keeps saying the title shouldn't matter, but it really does for me. So I'm hoping some of you can help me... here are some things I do and don't do...

 

Do:

I color sometimes, but mostly adult coloring books. I love this.

I let Daddy order for me at resteraunts and mostly don't talk to people I don't know, they make me nervous.

I enjoy movies, especially funny ones. They can be animated, and sometimes I like these.

I'm very playful. Sometimes it's toys, but mostly it's tickle fights, pillow fights, swinging, that type of stuff.

I hold daddy's hand, arm, etc when out in public. I try to hide behind him.

 

Don't:

I'm not into paci's or sippy cups.

I'm not into age play.

I'm not sure if I go into "little" space because I don't fully understand what it is.

 

I hope someone can help me... thank you.

[stargirl]

I was you couple months ago! Minus the husband and just one child. I would suggest reading as much as you can. There are great resources out there, this is one of them. There is also a littlespace sub reddit with lots of helpful links.

 

Everyone here is very nice, so feel free to reach out and post if you have any questions.

 

Welcome!   

Edited October 15, 2016 by stargirl

[Guest MissNMTX]

I had these same thoughts when I first got here...There's lots to read on it...I even posted on it and got lots of support. Take away, It takes all kinds! Use the site to learn and meet like minded people.

 

Welcome!

[Guest thequeenslittle]

I completely agree with you on the title thing it really was important for me and mommy when we started changing the dynamic of our relationship from vanilla. As a little you dont have to be into pacis or sippies personally i am but im a younger little. As far as little space for me its when i kinda get more into the mindset of being a child in my age range and dont worry about any of my "big kid" responsibilities. Its also when i like act more childish so for me i have my "little voice" and my stuffies and some differnet games i like to play or coloring and i feel safe and happy doing those things. if theres any other questions you have feel free to message me!!

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Can one be a little and identify more as an older child/preteen? I don't know why the title is important, but it is.

 

I'm fully confident that my Daddy is a daddy, and not a traditional dom. I just need to know where I fit in.

 

Growing up I was somewhat of a social outcast and not really accepted anywhere, so I desperately want to fit in somewhere now.

[Guest ZenDD]

Nearly everyone wants to feel that they belong in some way or another. Some of us quickly feel a natural tendency towards something and feel akin to it and to others that share that interest. Some of us take a little longer and have to experiment a bit before we find our comfort zone, a place where we feel we belong, and find people who have similar perspectives. 

 

I gather two things from your post. First, I feel like maybe you are always seeking ways to spice up your romance and sex life with your partner. If such is the case, there is nothing wrong with that at all. I commend you for wanting to find ways for you and your partner to explore your sexualities together. Secondly, I feel like you are seeking to have an interesting, different, shared, bonding activity with your partner. If this is the case, there isn't anything wrong with that either and I applaud your desire to strengthen the connection in your relationship.

 

BDSM can be interpreted in many ways, and encompasses many socially "non-normative" sexual activities and interests. Most people flirt with BDSM concepts in one way or another. Some may incorporate a little bit of spanking, role play, bondage, and such in the bedroom for no other reasons than having fun. I sometimes refer to these practitioners as "stylers," as they sometimes play with BDSM "styles" in their senses of fashion, film, music, and/or sex. But for others, "adherents", BDSM is a way of life and a necessary part of how their emotions in their relationships (and for some even outside of their relationships) manifest themselves on a day to day basis. To these people, the BDSM psychological perspective revolves around every sexual interaction and/or relationship dynamic, and is usually lifelong.

 

I understand the title is important to you, but more importat is your personal interpretation of what DDlg, or D/s, or BDSM in general is to you. By your description, you seem to experiment with various ideas and activities involving BDSM in your relationship, but don't seem to be "naturally" inclined to "adhere" to any of them; not yet, anyway. I have three observations:

 

First, while the title may be of importance, maybe you're a "styler"? You seem to have fun trying new things with regards to your relationship/sexual dynamic. Maybe one night you two role play a DDlg dynamic, maybe another night it's doctor and nurse, on another night M/s, and on another, it's good old fashioned romance with a candlelit dinner, dancing, and sweet lovemaking. In other words, maybe you aren't BDSM adherents at all. Maybe you just like to spice things up now and again. 

 

My second observation is based on a couple of things you stated. You described how your "sub/dom" experiments for a couple of years were pretty much a joke (and for the record, while this might seem silly to "stylers", semantics can be pretty important in BDSM and 'sub' is generally not placed before the word 'dom', 'Dom' is usually capitalized, and the dynamic is usually referred to as D/s by adherents). This would support my "styler" designation for you in my first observation. However, maybe it was a joke because it's possible that you are the Dominant one in your relationship, and therefore could never take an order very seriously. Have you ever experimented with those D/s roles reversed? You also discussed punishments, but it's important for you to know that punishments aren't a requisite in a D/s relationship. The only thing that designates a D/s relationship is that there is a consensual power exchange between people. This brings me to my third observation.

 

You seem to want to know what activities or interests would somehow legitimize you being a "little." There is no one definition of what makes a little. But there are certain common characteristics, non of which are exclusive to being a little. Maybe a basic reiteration of  what DDlg actually is would help first:

 

DDlg describes a branch of BDSM adult-relationship-dynamics based on D/s power exchange utilizing archetypes of a "caregiver" and a "child". In DDlg, those archetypes are specifically "Daddy Dom" and "little girl". To encompass other archetypes and for non gender specificity, the term CG/l, "Caregiver/little", is often used to describe the dynamic in general terms. Age-play or age regression are often, but not always, a conscious part of the DDlg/Cgl dynamic. Some adherents believe that 'age-play' is actually a separate branch of BDSM, as it doesn't specify child ages. For example, people may role play being older people during age-play.

 

A "Caregiver" is the role of a nurturer, guide, parental or authority figure, someone who implements structure, and may even incorporate discipline. Usually, the "Caregiver" is the Dominant in the relationship dynamic. A "little", usually the submissive, is an adult who chooses, in various manners, to relate and succumb to psychological qualities often associated with childhood, specifically characteristics like innocence, curiosity, playfulness, enthusiasm, willingness to please/rebelliousness, and fear/fearlessness. The Caregiver helps to maintain a psychological and sometimes physical environment that encourages the little's youthful manifestations. Littles often utilize tools and manipulatives such as stuffed animals, toys, coloring books, pacifiers, and other products generally marketed for children, in order to aid in the manifestation of the youthful regression. This dynamic commonly permeates the entire relationship, including sexuality and logistics. Adherents of DDlg/CGl are neither related biologically or actual children, and therefore do not promote or take part in incest or pedophilia.

 

On the surface, the lifestyle appears to be about people who like stuffies, coloring, toys, pacis, and such products, but it’s important to note that DDlg is not for people who are merely collectors of such items, nor a lifestyle for people who merely have interest in these things. The dynamic itself, between the Dominant and the sub, is the most crucial, defining aspect of DDlg/CGl. 

 

Just because you aren't into pacis or kids coloring books does not mean you are not a little. But if you aren't into the dynamic, you probably aren't an adherent of DDlg. And there would be nothing wrong with that. Not a damned thing. You should feel naturally inclined with the concepts. You shouldn't feel you have to "learn how to be a little" or "learn how to live a DDlg lifestyle". Those that are true adherents already know how to do these things. These are things they had already been doing, even before they discovered the terminology and the community. Most adherents feel an "a-ha!", "at last!" moment and feeling of relief when they discover the terminology and community. The same goes for all BDSM lifestyle and activity concepts. If you don't feel an immediate, natural inclination upon discovering some information about it, then you probably aren't an adherent. But if it sounds interesting it doesn't mean you can't have fun with the concepts as a "styler."

 

Maybe you and your partner have something else in common, something that isn't BDSM or even sexual in nature. Maybe you both like beer, maybe you both like football, maybe you both like art, or cave diving. Maybe a title in a club like that might give you the affiliation you seek if you can't find it in a BDSM sub culture. Don't get caught up in the DDlg or little title if you don't feel naturally inclined. Follow your bliss. Have fun, and congratulations on your identity exploration and for caring so much about deepening the connection in your relationship!

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I feel like some further information and/or back story may be relevant... so please bear with me...

 

When I was very young I had some hurtful things done to me by someone very close to me... this, paired with the fact that when I came out about it I was blown off, caused a massive amount of trust issues.

 

At 15, my dad passed away and I really had no one. I had my mom and that was it. At 16, I started a LDR with a boy. I was with him for about a month before he convinced me to sleep with him. It was my first relationship. He cheated on me, and I was heartbroken.

 

At just over 18 I decided to step back into the dating world. I met Daddy online at which point we started talking. We lived roughly 4hrs apart. Daddy came to help me and my mom move a few weeks after we started talking and he made it official that trip. We were very vanilla.

 

I have always gone to bed early but I stayed up late talking to Daddy on the phone. We did this for months before he moved. At this point we had expiremented with rope and nothing more.

 

A year after starting our relationship we got married. I had always had an interest in the bdsm lifestyle, but the idea of giving someone control over me terrified me. I told Daddy I wanted to start the dynamic in the bedroom, because all other aspects terrified me.

 

We did this for about 3 years. Last year I started really wanting it more. At this point, Daddy was already ordering food for me at resteraunts, and I pretty much clung to him when out in public. My fear and trust issues were going away.

 

It was a month or two ago I stumbled upon a blog called cumming without permission. There I discovered DD/lg. Regular Dom/sub had always seemed off to me. It didn't fit us. I read the blog completely through before discussing it with Daddy.

 

Daddy agreed to try this. At this point in our relationship we were fighting constantly. We started DD/lg and everything fell naturally into place. It was just natural. Suddenly, our relationship picked up.

 

Now our relationship is the best it has ever been, and this is a 24/7 thing for us. We have tried me as the Dom, and frankly, it was horrible. I have actually cried trying to take on this role. It just isn't for me.

[ziva vlad's kitten]

I like adult coloring books best too; they have so many more intricate details.

 

And it's perfectly fine as a little, not to go into little space or regress. Not all littles do, and it definitely doesn't disqualify you as a little. So don't worry about that.

 

It's also not uncommon (maybe even normal) in a 24/7 relationship for some aspects to be very vanilla, so don't worry about that either.

 

Your past doesn't change whether you are or are not a little. However looking at your past may give you some clues to help you figure out some things about yourself. You mentioned 2 times in your past, first when you were younger and someone hurt you. Second when you were teenager and your father passed away. You might find that you like to act/be an age slightly before one or both of those times, because it was a safer or more comfortable time in your life. it also might explain why you don't like to regress or go into little space. It can be very uncomfortable, or impossible to regress, but that's okay, some people rather not regress. If you decide you would like to regress at some point time, it should be at a time you feel very very safe.

 

Now that I've rambled on for a while, let's get to what you're actually probably looking for…

 

Two sub categories of being a little that you might want to look into are middle and Lolita. I don't really know much about Lolita but I know some people find that to be a title they love, it seems like it's specifically around the tween age. It sounds to me like what you're looking for is the title middle. A middle is a little that is a little older, it might be helpful for you to find some middles and ask them more about it. I would tell you more about it except that I am not one, when I'm little my age is about 4.

 

I hope this helps

 

P.s.

My Husband/Owner and I enjoyed doing this quiz, it was fun but I personally didn't take it too seriously, it has a lot of titles and percentages for how well you fit into those categories… bdsmtest.org

[Guest thequeenslittle]

There is a more tween/teen age group its called being a middle. they age range anything from 12-18 i think?? im sorry im not the best i n this topic as i am a little age 4-10 but i love adult coloring books too and they make me feel little when im coloring them. honestly the most important thing about being a little is wanting to identify yourself as little. the rest is all what you consider and feel makes you a little. you dont have to fit into any boxes to be a little you just have to want to be one. if you feel that you are a little and that the things you have described make you a little then you are a little. and you can always figure out the details as you go thats what me and my mommy did. we just experimented with everything we were unsure about and justcommunicated with each other when we wanted to try something and after wards discussed how it made us feel. we still continue to do that in our relationship even though we have been in it for a while its still a learning experience for us both and we enjoy our abilitt to openly communicate with each other and feel its essential to our relationship as its based on trust and openness. message me or add me if you want to talk!

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Thank you all so much! This has really helped me. I feel like I am probably a middle. And knowing more about it helps me so much.

[froggietiff]

 

 

 

 

 

Those that are true adherents already know how to do these things. These are things they had already been doing, even before they discovered the terminology and the community. Most adherents feel an "a-ha!", "at last!" moment and feeling of relief when they discover the terminology and community.

 

 

This is EXACTLY how I felt!!! I had no idea I was a little but my Daddy did. We met 5 years ago online and live several states away from each other. And he has stuck with me and been there for me and taken care of me (mentally) even thru me getting into a relationship with someone local. I have always called him Daddy, but never really knew why I did that. And even the times when we have met in person I have always just fallen into being a sub for him very easily. It was never something that was actually spoken like "do you want to try this lifestyle?" it just was. He said he has always known he needed to care for me but he knew he couldnt come out right and tell me everything until I was fully open to him. We discussed for the first time (just a few days ago) how I am his little and always have been. I had no idea what the term even was and I went to doing some research and there was definitely the "A_HA" moment that you talk about here! It was very freeing and enlightening. It is like I know really know myself. Being little is not something that I just "decided to try" it is who I am. I color and draw and do crafts and play with play dough and watch cartoons and love dressing up. And my Daddy saw all this in me and how I was natural at being a sub to him and he has just been silently guiding me all this time. 

 

My mind has been in such a whirl the last few days taking it all in and realizing different things. I found one website about LDR's in BDSM and things that can be done to make it feel like I'm being submissive and several things on the list were things I already did but didnt even realize that I did. And asking him about it he said he guided me to these things. Such as taking pics of what I was wearing every day. wishlisting things online that I liked. asking permission to do things. 

 

Then I read a DD/lg blog that the DD and lg write together and he had a post that was something like Top 20 things a Daddy should do. And a few of the things on the list really hit home for me and I was like OMG THATS why!!!! For example, one of them was never take it out on your little if you are having a bad day. And I was constantly telling my ex he couldnt take things out on me if he was frustrated, that it wasnt fair and I couldnt take it. Another one was that aftercare is important after consequence and to never neglect this aspect that she needs to be assured. When my ex would get mad at me (whether it was actually my fault or it was his fault) he would deny my any kind of affection. He wouldnt talk to me for hours and hours (one time it lasted 18 hours and I finally MADE him stop treating me that way that he couldnt do that to me) He would deny giving me kisses or hugs or anything and I would tell him he couldnt do that to me, that I needed reassurance. All that time I had no idea why I needed these things. And so now it all makes sense to me and I can actually live the lifestyle consciously. It has always been a way of life for me (which is now apparent). 

 

My Daddy said that now that I am fully aware of everything that he wants to collar me! We have a visit coming soon so I think that is when he will do it. 

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

That's exciting! I have a collar for the house. We haven't used it much. I can't wear it out because it would draw a lot of questions with the position I'm in. We've been looking at more desecrate collar options. About six months ago we got a ring on the inside it says "his loyal sub". I wear it in place of my wedding ring. I can't wear my wedding ring at work because it has stone which would interfere with my job. So the ring shows I'm taken, and I know on the inside of it is a constant reminder to myself of who I am. Daddy's ring says "her loving Dom" inside. He wanted a constant reminder of who he was to me as well.

 

These rings are highly meaningful to both of us. I still would like a descrete collar, but in the meantime this is a reminder to myself.

[LolitasDaddy]

Try not to get too hung up on he title. There is no right way, and no checklist. From what you describe you can certainly fit into the class of little/middle. It's important that you take from the dynamic what works for you, and for your Daddy. If you two agree on it, and it fits you, then it's perfect. Take what you want, make it your own, and try not to worry about the rest. There is no wrong way

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Thank you all.

 

I think more than anything the title was important to me because I wanted a community to fit into. I don't really know anyone in real life that has this lifestyle, and even if I did I would find it hard to come out because I'm very shy. You've all helped, and so far seem very welcoming.

[froggietiff]

I dont know anyone in real life either. That is why I am on here. Someplace to be able to talk about things. 

[ziva vlad's kitten]

real life people are to scary to tell for me. The only one I talk to about this is my husband.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I agree. When I was in high school my best friend always talked about how she wanted this lifestyle, and I kinda blew it off. I've always wanted someone to help take care of me, but didn't really understand this at all. Now she knows that we have some Dom/sub stuff in our relationship, but that's it... she has no clue how it really is.

My husband knows, who is also my Daddy. But I'm too afraid to tell anyone else.

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

Hi!! ^.^

 

I prefer adult colouring books because the pictures are prettier! I don't use bottles, diapers and don't practice age play! I also don't go into Little Space because I am always Little - it's a part of my personality! We are all different in our approach and our journeys.

 

I didn't even know ddlg was a thing for a very long time. I work in social work and honestly... I thought I was a weirdo because we are taught like people who want this have daddy issues and pedophilia tendencies which is about as far from the truth as it gets. I'm 31 years old and I am only a few years into this myself and I evolve daily.

 

You ask where you fit in.... the best answer I can give is if you want to belong here than you do. We are littles, DDs, middles, pets and subs because we WANT to be! There is a need and desire in us and this is where we feel like that desire is being met.

 

Enjoy the ride honey! It's an amazing journey!

 

Welcome to the Blanket Fort! <3

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

Thank you all! This has helped so much.