I need Daddy advice

[Guest LittleShimmer]

So, my Daddy and I had out first fight last night. I don’t know how to handle it. I think it would be helpful to get some advice from other Daddies, but I think just talking about it will help too.

 

We have been dating about 3 months, and everything has been going great until about 2 weeks ago. I have always identified as a little. My Daddy has some BDSM and D/s experience, but never identified as a Daddy or had any ddlg experience until he met me.

 

We started having issues about 2 weeks ago. We live about 20 minutes away from each other and see one another about 3 times a week. We also live near a BDSM club and like to go there often. We have tons of mutual friends there and its lots of fun. However, about 2 weeks ago, Daddy gave another Dom permission to play with me. I have PTSD from a rape I went through several years ago and I wasn’t expecting him to play with me. It was at the end of the night, I had already told Daddy that I had enough and I needed to go home. We were on our way out the door, and this Dom comes up and starts hitting me. It triggered a panic attack. I started to freak out and cry, and Daddy did nothing to stop it. It was just a bad situation. This was the first time a boundary was crossed, mistakes happen, he apologized, I looked passed it.

 

Then, a few days ago Daddy started complaining about jealousy issues. I started to make a friendship with another little and we wanted to hang out and maybe play together. Daddy said no, because he wanted to save my little space for him, and he wasn’t ready to share me. Fine, I can respect that. Then, literally the next day, he was trying to set up a play date for me and one of his friends for that night. It was a total flip and caught me off guard. He was ok with me playing with his friend, who is a complete stranger to me, and not even talking to me about it. But, I can’t build a friendship with another little that I met? It seems a little fishy to me. Then, last night was the “third strike”. Daddy came over after work. I was deep in little space, and I told Daddy I just wanted to cuddle. We cuddled for a little bit, but he ended up pinning me down, tickling me, pushing pressure points and leaving bruises, and dragging me by my hair into the bedroom to fuck me in the ass. Again, it triggered a panic attack and it was a bad situation.

 

My question is… What do I do? I love my Daddy very much, but he continues to cross boundaries with me and violate my trust in him. I try to tell him what to do to avoid my triggers, but he does what he wants to. His argument is that I have a bratty streak (which I totally do lol) and that he can’t tell when I’m joking. Of course I’ll form my own opinion at the end of this, but what do you all think? I feel like I should be a good little and trust that my Daddy knows what is best for me, but after all this I simply can’t trust him.

 

I know this is a long post, if you read it all, thank you so much for sticking it out!

[Guest Prat]

Have you two made clear safeguards? Do you have a safety signal / safeword? If he neglects safeguards you need to have a serious talk with him about it.

BDSM is meant to be consensual, when safeguards are denied, that's abuse.

[Guest]

This seems more like abuse than a relationship. If this happened to me I would have ended it. I understand you care for him but he seems to lack self control and respect for you and your well being.

 

If you choose to stay you both need to sit down and have a serious talk. He needs to respect that you have PTSD and not just start randomly grabbing you and starting to start things with out your say so.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Arya

[Michael]

However, about 2 weeks ago, Daddy gave another Dom permission to play with me. I have PTSD from a rape I went through several years ago and I wasn’t expecting him to play with me. It was at the end of the night, I had already told Daddy that I had enough and I needed to go home. We were on our way out the door, and this Dom comes up and starts hitting me. It triggered a panic attack. I started to freak out and cry, and Daddy did nothing to stop it. It was just a bad situation. This was the first time a boundary was crossed, mistakes happen, he apologized, I looked passed it.

 

That's more than a "boundary crossed", or a simple mistake, that's really abusive and disgusting. You aren't his slave, and he has no right to give you away to strange doms for them to do things like that to you. 

 

I started to make a friendship with another little and we wanted to hang out and maybe play together. Daddy said no, because he wanted to save my little space for him, and he wasn’t ready to share me. Fine, I can respect that.

 

So you aren't even allowed to be little with other littles? That's bullshit, and you shouldn't respect it, because he's trying to isolate you.

 

My question is… What do I do? I love my Daddy very much, but he continues to cross boundaries with me and violate my trust in him.

 

Leave him.

[Guest MusicianDaddy]

The non-consensual nature of what you describe is abusive and more like an assault. I strongly encourage you to reconsider the whole dynamic.

[Alaskan Daddy]

I understand that you love this man, at least the man before 2 weeks ago. He has crossed boundaries and will continue to do so. It sounds like he sees you

more as a fuck toy than his 'baby girl'. All your triggers should be times of nurturing. I also believe he will try to control all of your life. He is more of  a 'DOM'

and not a Daddy.

[Antoinette]

 I also believe he will try to control all of your life. He is more of  a 'DOM'

and not a Daddy.

This is not how dominants act, whatsoever. Even in a master / slave or dominant / submissive relationship (daddy's are doms, btw, hence the 'daddy dom') 

 

He is abusive and that is something the BDSM community too often gets associated with and quite frankly I'm fed up of it.

 

He is not a dom, a daddy, a master or anything in between, plain and simple he's an abusive bloody idiot and hearing his behaviour made my blood boil, as does reading the idea that he's a 'dom' as an excuse for his actions. I understand that your intent may not be malicious but it's a sensitive issue and you should choose your phrasing carefully, I'm sorry if this came across as brash, this has just made me quite annoyed - nothing personal.

[PrincessPear]

"I have PTSD from a rape I went through several years ago and I wasn’t expecting him to play with me."

 

First of all, I'm so sorry someone violated your boundaries so flagrantly. When somebody "plays" with you against your will, it is basically sexual assault. Any daddy worthy of your time would NEVER tolerate somebody just hitting you. If he's non-monogamous, then he's a misogynistic asshole.

 

Will respond more later. Im off to a show and my ride is waiting for me.

[Guest grr]

Hi Danica3star,

 

I am brand new to this lifestyle, this does not seem like the loving, caring, supportive relationship that I have read so much about on here and other forums. From what I have researched, if it is making you feel bad and crossing your boundaries then it definitely is not good for you. This is a consensual lifestyle and your needs and concerns are not being considered. You always have a choice, try to discuss it otherwise make yourself happy without him. 

[PapaMax]

Not how a daddy should behave.. not how a master should behave, BDSM is not an excuse for abuse, get out now.

[Guest Moonpie]

I agree with all the posts above. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but he's clearly no daddy and definitely no dom because he is overstepping your limits and even though you have expressed that you don't like it he still finds it ok to act in a way he desires. He has no respect for you or for the relationship and honestly you should just leave him.  

[lilybell]

I'm with everyone else. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Get out and get out now. It will only continue to escalate and you don't deserve that. No dom would do this, I don't care if he has minimal daddy experience. I would have left after he told someone else to play with me without my expressed consent.

[Guest Dan-D]

Hmmm, just some thoughts without indepth information:

 

His behavior sounds very undaddyesque to me, his non-action of protecting you, the distinct sadistic/Masterlike attitude, it's an imbalance of the CG and Dom aspects as I interpret it.

If he knows your history, if you both have agreed on a codex of dos and don'ts, a saveword (AND you told him how to avoid your triggers), and he still does what he wants, then he just takes something from you in an exploiting way... Then these acts are vile...

The "jealousy" btw smells more like bigotry and selfinterest, the three pillars stabilizing every relation -trust, trust and trust - have been heavily damaged in a way which makes me feel 1) angry 2) ashamed of my whole gender.

As you said, you are on your own forming an opinion (which is more of an intellectual process?), but don't forget to reflect on the feelings you have for him Vs. the feelings he gave you during these deeds... The possibility of similar events recurring is real. Mind your psychological strain.

All the best!

 

D

Edited October 2, 2016 by Dan-D

[Guest MisterBrownEyes]

You need to get out of this relationship, and do it sooner rather than later. I know you have feelings for him, but as others have said before; he is abusing and taking advantage of you.

 

You should be the centre of his world, and he should not be making you feel the way you do.

 

I think deep down inside you know it's finally time to call this relationship to a close. I just hope you have the strength and conviction to see it through.

[Antoinette]

Hmmm, just some thoughts without indepth information:

 

His behavior sounds very undaddyesque to me, his non-action of protecting you, the distinct sadistic/masterlike attitude, it's an imbalance of the CG and Dom aspects as I interpret it.

If he knows your history, if you both have agreed on a codex of dos and don'ts, a saveword (AND you told him how to avoid your triggers), and he still does what he wants, then he just takes something from you in an exploiting way... Then these acts are vile...

The "jealousy" btw smells more like bigotry and selfinterest, the three pillars stabilizing every relation -trust, trust and trust - have been heavily damaged in a way which makes me feel 1) angry 2) ashamed of my whole gender.

As you said, you are on your own forming an opinion (which is more of an intellectual process?), but don't forget to reflect on the feelings you have for him Vs. the feelings he gave you during these deeds... The possibility of similar events recurring is real. Mind your psychological strain.

D

 

Not to be rude in any way but this is no way is a gender issue nor is it a person acting in a master-like way. It's an abusive piece of you-know-what acting in the appropriate manner for a you-know-what. I agree with like, all of what you're saying but it's entirely unnecessary, and quite rude to pin it down to a gender issue and 'be ashamed of your gender' it's not the male gender that did this, it's a disgusting person who took advantage of a clearly vulnerable person. No gender-specification needed whatsoever. It's offensive, on behalf of men, to put it as a gender issue.

 

Sorry if this sounds malicious in any way whatsoever, I just thought I'd put my two cents in.

[James Connolly]

.

Edited June 21, 2024 by James Connolly

[Guest Dan-D]

@xAntoinette

No, it's alright, no offence over a point or a differnt viewpoint ever taken... (hardly ever)

English is not my native tongue, please let me lay emphasis on the words "distinct" and "imbalance" and what i meant becomes clearer.

The genderpoint is highly personal, you are right, it makes ME feel this way, every time I'm confronted with the topic sexual violence. I just can't grasp the mindset of those men and as in your opinion seem to project this personal trait on the whole group.

I don't, it's just a formulation

It just makes me sick, I can't and don't have the authority to take the second largest group of mankind into captivity

(Plus I live in a city where political correctness itself is on the hit list, it makes it easier, gender, the elders, the dead, no one is save)

I'll pledge to better myself Mrs. Captain

D

 

PS: You got a FRQ, if you want to debate don't be shy, lets  just do it tete a tete, this is not the right topic

Edited October 2, 2016 by Dan-D

[Guest ZenDD]

I think you should not have a long talk with him, as has been suggested. This is beyond that. You need to send him an email, txt, or message saying you aren't ok with the dynamic and that it's over. With all due respect, you should leave him, and never talk to him again. It sounds like you've already been assaulted at least once by him. You're endangering yourself by staying in this relationship. Let's call it like it is: this man is an abuser, and apparently, according to your story, guilty of sexual assault. He doesn't respect the idea of consent and seems to be using BDSM as an excuse for criminal behavior. To be honest, if your story is true as you've told it, you should consider contacting the police.

 

This man does not represent the concepts of any branch of BDSM.

Edited October 2, 2016 by ZenDD

[stargirl]

This sounds really unhealthy, and I'm really sorry you're in such a confusing position. You don't have to tolerate anything you don't like.

 

This is a cool article I think will help you out.

 

Also, I'm seconding this 

 

 

Let's call it like it is: this man is an abuser, and apparently, according to your story, guilty of sexual assault. He doesn't respect the idea of consent and seems to be using BDSM as an excuse for criminal behavior. To be honest, if your story is true as you've told it, you should consider contacting the police.

This man does not represent the concepts of any branch of BDSM.

Edited October 2, 2016 by stargirl

[Guest Aussie]

As with a lot of the posters I believe he's more a Domtyan a Daddy and even if that is the case no one has the right to just arrange for you to be used without your permission and discussion beforehand. To me that's just abuse and bordering on dangerous for you.

 

The phrase safe sane and consensual is a truism in our lifestyle and for good reason.

 

In my ddlg relationships my little always has right of refusal if she does not want to do a particular thing. I'm sorry to say that this man you love has definitely abused your trust and will continue to do so. Your safety and wellbeing should always come first so please for your own sake, rethink this relationship

[Mega Matt]

110 percent abuse. Can only get worse from here.

[Guest LittleShimmer]

Hello everyone! Thank you all for your kind words and concern. I knew it was going to go this direction, thank you all for giving me support and encouraging to make this decision. We have had a wonderful relationship up until very recently, and I think that is what made it so hard. I ended things with him this evening, and I am happily moving on

[Guest Aussie]

Well done Danica,

 

I'm sure it would have been a hard decision, so I wish you all the best for the future

[TTDaddy]

Danica

 

I agree with what everybody else have said on here.  What he done was abuse, abusing of your trust, crossing a line etc.

 

Daddy's primary aim is to keep you save, he know about your PTSD and what happened in the past.  And what he let that person do to you, is clearly a limit for you.  Even if it wasn't, it should have been discussed with you before hand, and took your views into account.

 

Where would he have taken you, if you hadn't broken up with him.

 

Good luck in founding a new daddy.  Who will care for you better, then your so called last one.

[Thequeen]

I am part master/mistress and even to me this way off. If my little had expressed limits as serious as the ones you have, I would never go anywhere near them without fully discussing and gaining your consent before hand. Master slave is complete submission but not at the risk of your slave. just nuh-uh. You still love and care for them at all times even if its harder to see sometimes, like play time. Girl, you need safe words. And those words are never jokes, never faked, never taken back, never second guessed. Those words are sacred. If you even utter them your master would stop. so the fact that your daddy dom didn't, who are supposed to be less controlling, is insane and mind blowing to me. Like I get it as a master I love to test my littles boundries and I say I will cross them if I want but I never do and my little knows hat for a fact. Anything he said no to I would never do.

 

Sorry I am not giving much help, I'm too busy being in shock honestly...

 

Run. Get away from this fool is all I can say. and also I agree with a few people saying to call the police. It may seem extreme and scary but what he did to you seems far far far worse.

 

-TheQueen