does anyone struggle in open relationships?

[smutk]

hello, id like to know if any littles out there experience stress and sad stuff when dealing with open relationships or topics relating to polyamory. does that just mean they are fit to only be in a monogamous reltionship? how do you deal with love?

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

I, myself, have not actually been in an open relationship. So I can't really say or pretend I know what it's really like. However, I can tell you that you should talk about your feelings with whoever is in your relationship(or relationship you're going to start) I do know, that in these kinds of things, everyone involved needs to be ok with it and on the same page. You need to respect their feelings and they in turn need to respect yours. If you can't share your feelings and be open about them and recive respect for them, then it will never work. Someone will be unhappy, and it sounds like it could end up being you. So talk to your SO, figure out how you really honestly feel about an open relationship, and make that point heard. And, don't just go along with it, or pretend to be ok with it, just because it's what the person you love wants. If you're not ok with it, then you're not ok with it. If they loved you, they'd respect that. If you just pretend for someone else, you'll never be happy in the relationship, you'll always end up feeling hurt and unloved. Talk it out. And good luck

[andpie]

My ex asked to make our relationship open after being together monogamously for 3 years so he could experiment.

 

This gradually escalated (think about the frog in a pot of water being brought to the boil) until I was reduced to a second choice. I told him I was hurting so he ended the relationship. He had been stringing me along and already had a relationship with a FtM person 10 years younger than me.

 

Hurt doesn't come close to covering it. Don't do what I did. No matter how much you love someone and want them to be happy do not accept an open relationship unless its what you BOTH want. I wanted my partner to be happy and got completely steamrollered.

[lilsnoopy]

I was the person brought into an open relationship. They were engaged and wanted me to join and I already felt like a third wheel. I considered it and talked a lot to the dom to get to know him and he really wanted a kitten and found out I was a lot more his type than his fiance. I am a very submissive well mannered sweet little/kitten/sub and she was a rebellious brat who was a constant battle. In the end, I didn't want to be a third wheel to a married couple and said no. Within like a week he broke it off with her, apparently it was mutual but he kept coming after me because he wanted the kitten he had always wanted. it scared me off being pursued immediately after a broken engagement among other reasons. It was a failing relationship when I was brought in but I feel awful because It might have been partial my fault. I just am not made for open relationships I need lots of love and exclusively need the attention and care. I'm good with my daddy now and he feels the same way. I am his and only his and he is mine and only mine and it works so much better than putting me into a position that I feel unstable in. 

 

I guess since it's so not my thing I have trouble understanding other people in open relationships, especially in something so emotional as dd/lg... 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Hi there! The official Polyamorous Moderator is here!

 

First of all, I'd like to suggest you check out my thread on polyamory in the resource section. I spent a lot of time on it, and it takes a lot about the logistics of polyamory and how it works for some folks and not for others.

 

As was mentioned above, the most important thing to remember about open relationships is that communication is paramount. Finding a way to discuss the feelings that make you uncomfortable and sad freely is the first step towards delving into that rabbit hole. Open relationships and polyamory can be really rewarding and create such a warm, loving atmosphere, but only if you are willing to do the things that scare you in order to make that happen. I always tell people in polyamory that you have to communicate, especially when you don't want to. When you've got issues, or are feeling a certain way, it is so, so important to sit down with your partners and talk about it. Especially feelings that /you/ personally think are stupid, or not worth mentioning. For some people, this isn't appealing at all. And that's completely fine!

 

There isn't a right, or wrong way to love. If you feel that polyamory isn't for you, then that's great! If you feel it is, then that's great too! But monogamy and polyamory are just two ways to love people, and neither is better or worse than the other. 

 

But if you're asking if having sad or emotional connections to thinking about open relationships means you aren't built for them, the answer is no. We're still human. We are insecure, we get jealous, we have conflicting emotions. You aren't a superhero just because you love more than one person. The difference is that instead of seeing these things as a sign that we should seek out something else, we are forced to work through them. So the choice is still yours, and you are absolutely not "fit to be in an open relationship." It just means life ain't easy right now. And that's okay. <3

[smutk]

@buggaboo you're right, i have to trust and believe more and not just go along with what the other person says, or put their feelings before mine. i dont know what my problem is, it's like i go through these random spurts of understanding, to completely down in that hole again. and when something so major as a relationship feels hurt, everything in my life seems to topple with it.

 

@andpie, your story is so crazy similar sounding that i might just be dreading the truth. i need to step up and accept whatever the reality is, so we can [both] move forward. i cant tell you how much i relate to just your little post, its crazy. im really happy you got strong enough to let them know what's up, and i admire that and need to do the same sometimes.

 

@lilsnoopy omigosh, im so happy you found a committed daddy that is on the same level as you. its true that neither format of relationship is bad; it's just not everyone desires the same thing. i shouldn't be made to feel bad if i like to start off 'monogamous' - i think that builds trust and a solid foundation before we can experiment. i need to trust myself more...

 

@belugabelle THANK YOU for posting here, i am learning a lot about how to navigate this site, so apologies if this post was in it's wrong home. you are teaching me through noob forum school and i appreciate it  i am still interested in aspects of alternate relationships and polyamrous ideas, however (speaking for myself of course) i think i need a 'partnership' first before i can 'venture out'. i am looking forward to reading more posts from you because that is just one topic, one aspect of connections i want to delve into!

 

wow, thank you guys for your thoughtful posts. i really didn't think i can find something like that here.  

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

You're welcome I too, often get carried away with wanting to put the people I care about before me. It's pretty normal feeling. I mean, isn't that who it's suppose to work when you care for someone? lol But there comes a time, when one needs to put themsevles first. Exspecially when they are not receiving the same respect and thoughtfulness as they're putting in. I hope everything works out well for you

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

We all come in different flavors! Not everyone is cut out to be poly and thats perfectly fine! Belle is Poly amorous and rocks it! Me? I don't share my toys - I will tear a bitches jugular out for touching Dominus. The beautiful thing about this is we are all vastly different - none better than the other! Another thing to remember is every relationship is different. They all have different limits, strengths and weaknesses. Just remember that it's never cool or healthy to do something you're not 100% sure about to please someone else. Always be true to yourself and be true to your own needs - relationships are give and take but never ever think that means that you have to put yourself in a poop situation to make your partner happy.