After

[Guest]

I used to think I was a princess up high in a tower that needed saving. Now I realize I am the monster that needs to be ketp under lock and key. Once a upon a time seems so very far away now, and happily ever after is no where to be found.

 

Life has never been easy. There have been small periods of rest and peace but they never last long, before the pain and panic inside comes back to the surface.

 

I have become weak, fragile and terrified of everyone that's ever showed me any kind of kindness. Knowing it won't last, knowing it's only a temporary bit of hope that will soon be ripped apart.

 

Now I just lay still, feeling every breath coming and going , every beat of my heart and wondering when it too will be fade off.

 

Wanting it to end. No longer searching for a happily ever after but just an after. But what is there? The unknown becomes another hell. So for now I'll be behind my walls locked away where I belong.

 

Where no one can hurt me but myself.

[Nice_Daddy]

I'm sorry to read that you are hurting, but wanted to say how much i appreciate your writing style.  You are very expressive!  So much so that I was compelled to reply.

 

Many of us here on the forums find life to be difficult.  Some of us are CGs and others are littles.  But each of us have our trials and issues that we must work thru each day.  It is hard to lower our protective walls, we know how callous others can be.  With self serving actions and words that cut us deep.  And sometimes we hurt others unintentionally.  None of us are perfect beings. 

 

But there is a special feeling that comes from sharing this "life" with others.  And that comes after we lower those walls and make ourselves vulnerable.  I'm not recommending walking around that way, but just leaving a little gap there so that those that are paying attention to us and care can find a little space for a hand hold to slide those barriers open a bit more.

 

Hoping that you heal.  That you do not beat yourself up too much.  (we are usually our worst critics)  And that you are able to lower those walls a little bit again in the future.

[Guest]

I'm sorry to read that you are hurting, but wanted to say how much i appreciate your writing style.  You are very expressive!  So much so that I was compelled to reply.

 

Many of us here on the forums find life to be difficult.  Some of us are CGs and others are littles.  But each of us have our trials and issues that we must work thru each day.  It is hard to lower our protective walls, we know how callous others can be.  With self serving actions and words that cut us deep.  And sometimes we hurt others unintentionally.  None of us are perfect beings. 

 

But there is a special feeling that comes from sharing this "life" with others.  And that comes after we lower those walls and make ourselves vulnerable.  I'm not recommending walking around that way, but just leaving a little gap there so that those that are paying attention to us and care can find a little space for a hand hold to slide those barriers open a bit more.

 

Hoping that you heal.  That you do not beat yourself up too much.  (we are usually our worst critics)  And that you are able to lower those walls a little bit again in the future.

Thank you for the kind words. It just seems like lately everything that could go wrong has. I am trying to be strong and stay positive (which is not easy for me). Writing and being able to vent a little is one of my was a coping with being depressed. I sometimes get a bit over dramatic but it helps lol

[Nice_Daddy]

What???  A little that can be over dramatic???  Who ever heard of such a thing?  hehe

 

I love this site and the forums and they are a great place to vent with tons of super nice people who for the most part are not judgemental.  So express yourself at will!

 

Writing is a great coping skill.  It helps me focus on a topic and as I reread what I have written, sometimes I find insights into what is really at the heart of the issue.  And remember that life is full of ups and downs.  Sometimes those downs just keep hitting us in the face and it seems that they will never end .... but they do.  We just need to survive one day at a time and look forward to the next sunny day.  As cliche as that sounds I have found that to be true in my life.

 

Keep your chin up!  And best of wishes to you!