Understanding How to Make Rules that Work. Developing Protocols for Your Relationship with Confidence.

[Guest Princessaj]

Strip back the fluff and see clearly what makes a rule and what makes them work.

 

For all the new DD's/MD's/CareGivers that want to know how to do rules from scratch.

 

For those that have experience and want to gain more control of their true dom position.

 

I found this amazingly well written guide on fetlife. I have not seen any questions or comments on the forum that come close to the wisdom contained here in. This is like a master class.

 

Although DDlg is considered the "softer BDSM," there is no reason for our rules to be less vital.

 

I definitely will be using this tool as talking points when I meet potential DD's. Having this knowledge will help me separate the real DD's from the Posers. Which one are you? Enjoy.

======================================================================

 

One of the common requests for advice that I see has a common thread: How do I set up rules and protocols?

 

Maybe you never expected to be in a Master/slave relationship. Maybe you’ve always dreamed of one, but your fantasies never went down to the practical, day-to-day level. Maybe you don’t identify as a Master or a Mistress, but as a Dom or Daddy or a Domme or a Sir, you find that more structure is the way to go, and it’s up to you to provide it.

I’m going to write with the pronouns of a gay leather relationship (both will be “he”). I'll also write assuming the roles are Master and slave, but it applies as readily to any relationship with formal protocol. Adjust the advice as needed to fit your own relationship. Of course, ALWAYS adjust advice to fit your own relationship!

So, we'll start with the assumption that you want to have protocols that are specific to your relationship, and you want them to be fairly formal. Not everyone does, and not everyone sees the need to. If you don't then skip this whole thing.

Here is my recommendation for getting started.
Start with exactly these rules:

• Do whatever makes the most sense to you unless I tell you I want you to do it differently.

• Don't assume you did anything wrong just because I tell you to do it differently. 

• Don't permanently change the way you are doing something just because I tell you to do it differently once. If I expect a permanent change, I will make that clear.

• If you ever find yourself in conflict between two directives, clear it up with me.

• If you want to know how I want something done, ask.

• If you have a suggestion about how you can do something better, say so. 

Then start modifying. Where you know you want things done a specific way, say so, and then expect it to be done that way. But also, don’t be afraid to put a rule in place and then change it or refine it later. It is often easier to adjust an existing protocol than to invent a new one.

Don’t hesitate to set flexible protocols. The last thing you want is to be trapped by your own rules, and if you set rules that are very rigid and then keep breaking them yourself, you’ll just frustrate both of you.

For example, let’s assume you like a drink when you get home. You can set a variety of protocols:

“When I get home, ask if I want a drink, and I will tell you whether I want one and what I want.”“When I get home, be ready to make a martini, and I will tell you when I want it served.”“Meet me at the door every day with a martini with three ice cubes and two olives.”

“I’ll tell you if I want a drink.”

The first, of course, is the most rigid, and the most like what fantasy Master/slave protocols are “supposed” to look like. But in real life, unless YOU have an incredibly consistent life, it would involve a lot of melted ice and a seriously bored slave. But any of the others are really workable, depending on your wishes.

I, for one, only rarely care what underwear my boy wears. I know that other people delight in having control of what’s under their sub's clothes. Set your own rules.

ALL this stuff is up to you. You may choose to start setting rules and protocols specifically around sex and playtime, and then expand. You may want to start setting protocols for running the household, or for non-sexual time. You may choose to start setting protocols for all areas at once. Whatever you choose, you aren’t wrong.

A good recipe for mutual failure is to try to start too fast and too complicated. Protocols belong to you both. The Master has to set them, and the slave has to understand and follow them. It would be the rare beginner M/s couple that could implement and follow a thousand rules right from the start. If you both find yourselves saying “What was that rule again?” you need to back down and simplify a bit.

Another thing to remember is that you don’t have to have the same depth of complexity across the board. You won’t enforce a rule you don’t care about. These rules and protocols are in place because YOU want them. If there are areas where you want things precisely and exactly so, set those rules. In areas you don’t care about, I recommend either simpler rules or none at all, and trust your slave’s common sense.

Don’t worry about consistency across rules, just within them. When you set a rule, stick by it or modify it. But don’t feel pressured to set rules you don’t want or need. If, for some reason, you really care that your fork is exactly two inches from your plate, but could care less where the knife and spoon end up, so be it. If you want your razor laid out just so, but are perfectly fine with all your underwear tossed loose in the drawer, go for it.

Next rule of thumb - Never punish for breaking a rule you haven’t set. If you haven’t decreed it, then it isn’t disobedience not to be doing it. Some things may well come under general principles like respect or courtesy, and if your slave is doing something they know will piss you off just to piss you off, then it doesn’t need a rule to be out of line. But in the general case, if there is a problem that didn’t have a rule, discuss it, explain why it displeased you, and make a new rule if appropriate. Or not.

Finally, if you are new at this, remember that unless you had a very unusual childhood, you were’t trained to think this way either. You may be naturally dominant and being a Master is the most right thing in the world, but unless you grew up with butlers and maids, you’ve probably never given a moment’s thought to how you want someone else to serve you. Let your rules grow and change over time.

Next, remember that one of the protocols you can set is when the other protocols are in place.

Some people are hesitant to set rules because it is so easy to see situations in which they would be awkward or embarrassing. Rather than not setting up a protocol, deal with the reality, and set them accordingly.

In other words, some of your protocols won't be in place at the mall or your mother-in-law's. And that's fine. It can be "Master, may I serve you your drink?" when you are alone or in kinky company, but "Honey, want a drink?" when you have vanilla friends over. The rules don't have to go out the window when you can't be overtly kinky. They just need to be appropriate rules for the situation.

And of course, one of the things you are free to agree to is setting aside times when you don't have any specific protocols in place. You can be high protocol at home and no protocol while shopping, if that's what works for you.

Okay, so, gee thanks, and that's all advice to put protocols and rules about things you care about. But how do you decide what those things are?

As a basic starter set, consider putting in protocols about things that:

• Turn you on
• Piss you off
• Are thing you are already doing as a routine.

Of course you want to put in protocols about sex and your ego and your fantasies. If you (both) have always fantasized about a naked slave kneeling at the Master's feet, go for it (and include protocols about when and where it starts and stops.) If there are sex acts you want at specific times or on command, set that up. If controlling your slave's undergarments or when and where they orgasm turns your crank, that's a perfect choice for a protocol. The turn on is part of why you're doing this, right?

You also want to put protocols in place to limit or minimize things that annoy you. If there is anything where "I hate it when this happens," negotiate a protocol so it doesn't.

But one of the richest and most overlooked areas for protocol is your current routine. Things you already do on a regular basis. I used the example above about having a drink when you get home. You already eat, sleep, bathe, dress, go to and come home from work, walk through doorways, watch TV, and so on. So ritualize them. Look at each of those areas as an opportunity to include a protocol or involve your sub or slave. Do you want your clothes laid out? Do you want to choose your sub's clothes? Do you want to be served your food in a specific way? And so on.

And remember, none of this in any way requires you to behave in any particular way, and one of the great things about setting your own rules is that you can set up rules that actually fit your life, not the life of some imaginary feudal Lord or Lady.

There is nothing wrong with a Master who demands that his food be served from the right and that the sub not begin eating until he does, but then when the meal is over, it's the Master who does the dishes and takes out the trash.

Nor is there anything wrong with a male Master who prefers the traditional rule of polite manners that is is the hostess who starts eating first, and has his female sub follow that rule and start eating first, or has the sub start eating first, but only after a nod from the Master. There's also nothing wrong with changing that protocol so that it is the Master who takes the first bite to signal that the meal has begun. It is your household. Participating in the smooth running of it doesn't make you less dominant.

And you can still add dominance to shared activities. If your life and schedule mean it makes sense for both of you to do the dishes, you can still be the one who decides who washes and who dries. (Or you can just do the dishes. Not everything has to be D/s, even in a 24/7 relationship). If you'd rather join in with doing something together, it's not dominant to sit around alone being bored. And if doing routine things together lets you both get to the fun stuff, it makes sense to do exactly that.

Another thing that people forget when they set up their protocols is that it is perfectly normal and totally sensible to have different protocols for different situations. It sounds like that might be hard to keep track of, but again, if you start slow, communicate clearly, and get agreement, it usually isn't that hard.

As I said above, you can have a protocol that in your home that your slave approaches you and says "Master, may I get you another drink?" but at your parents' house, your slave just says "Honey, do you need a refill?" Or that at a fetish event, your sub stands quietly next to you, while in vanilla social settings, that is relaxed unless you use a prearranged signal, and your sub is free to roam.

Similarly, you can have protocols that only apply when you are having a scene or at a play party - having a slave kneel and wait for orders, or other physical postures, or calling you Sir in every sentence or whatever you choose.

And remember, there is no objective standard of what Dominance is supposed to look like. If you feel dominant holding a door, do it. If you feel dominant having a door held for you, require it. If you prefer to drive, drive. If you prefer to be driven, have your sub drive.

 

 

[LoralieHaze]

In my opinion, not very much of this applies to CG/L relationships, but instead to master/slave. Yes, those are both dom/sub relationship dynamics within BDSM, though that's mostly where the comparison ends. I personally found Spooky's resource guide about setting up rules to be much more helpful.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Something to keep in mind with rules is that you both need to come up with them /together/. If a Caregiver is setting rules without input from their partner, the rules aren't going to be effective. Rules, punishments, and rewards should all be things that are mutually agreed upon, and are beneficial for both parties. Let them be things that you want to improve about yourselves. 

[Guest Zips]

First day back on the forums and BBB is still giving out solid advice. Some things change, some things don't. There's two people in the relationship, and if anyone ever tells you that the bottom isn't supposed to get anything out of the relationship; that's a blatant lie. What's really important is that both partners are cared for. I don't have the time to actually read the entirety of this post now, but I'll do so later.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Zips

[Guest Princessaj]

Thank you and much appreciation to those reading and commenting. I would like to clarify my motivation for the post.

 

Something in me, the middle said, I want a DD that not only knows how to play, care, encourage but also how to Dom.

 

DDlg comes from BDSM.

 

The author wrote the post to speak to the Dom side of the DD/MD/CareGiver.

 

The purpose of the post is for DD/MD/CareGivers to understand where rules come from and the psychology behind them from the Dom POV.

 

If this same topic was written for babygirl-boy/little/middle/Princess/Prince/Pet, style and tone would be from the sub POV. I think Spooky did an excellent job on her, A Starting Point for Rules, Rewards & Punishments (for all)

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12727-a-starting-point-for-rules-rewards-punishments/

 

I posted this after seeing so many new DD/MD/CareGivers that are exploring the why, what and how they are Daddies, Mommies and Care Givers. There are so many posts asking for help with their motivation, feelings, awareness and capabilities. Most, if not all of the comments are sympathetic and support exploration and finding what works for them.

 

What is not being explored, addressed or supported by established DD/MD/CareGivers is the Dom side of the DD/MD/CareGivers role. How will the new DD/MD/CareGivers learn about their Dom side and responsibilities if established Dom's don't step up and lead the way with actionable instruction.

 

In the end, babygirl-boy/little/middle/Princess/Prince/Pet will be so rewarded by having a DD/MD/CareGiver that knows their inner Dom. Otherwise, the sub part of DDlg will run them right over.

 

Please join me in also supporting the exploration and development of the Dom POV.

 

I would like to challenge the established DD/DM/CareGivers to step out and up to teach the Dom in their next generation.