Why We Need to be Single

[Little Illy]

*Waves* As ever, I will be playing the devil's advocate. Lets keep it nice and mature.

 

I want to discuss the topic of relationships and mental growth. I feel this is something everyone needs multiple times in their life and I fear is happening less and less as time goes on.

Over the past two weeks I have talked to a lot of people one on one (via PMs) about this very topic that I figured I would write it all out. I will never name names, but I will be using examples from those I have spoken with. And even then I will only say the same things I told to them. And for the sake of this post I will be using the DDlg dynamic as the example of the type of relationship since we can all relate to this.

 

I did a whole post on Instant Gratification (https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12827-instant-gratification/?do=findComment&comment=69810) in regards to these issues, so I will not be touching on that subject. But instead I will be focusing on the factors at play when you do jump around from partner to partner or dive head first into something you are not ready for. Most of this article will be based in psychological fact unless I specifically state it is my opinion. A lot of it may be hard for some to swallow because they may see themselves in what I am writing - my point is NOT to make you feel bad. It is to help people realize that there are consequences that can hurt you if not taken into consideration.

 

***As always! There are exceptions to each and every category! No one person is pigeonholed into a category and just because you may meet some categorical elements, that doesn't mean you will do these things. I am not saying everyone fits these groups! I am not saying that those that fits these groups are bad in any way! These are generalized statements, please understand this!***

 

The Issue - Too many people have this desire to hop from one relationship to another, without a second thought on how this may be effecting the one they are with or themselves. Or they seem to want to jump into a relationship without even knowing what they need or are needed of by their partner. 

 

Age 

Yes, I am starting out with an issue no one in this category is going to want to hear. Age has such a huge impact (in general) when it comes to the mindset of when a person is ready to start a serious, in depth, relationship. And more importantly, how they deal in between these relationships. Why is age such a vital element? Because the younger you are, the less likely you are to have had any real life experience as well as not have done the proper research on things you may need to know. 

 

Am I saying there are no late teens and early twenty-years-old who are not well rounded and informed? Absolutely not. Of course there are! But in general this is an age when a person is truly figuring out the Real World for the first time and trying to get a grip on this thing called Life. Which is how it is supposed to be. And while doing so it is increasingly difficult to withstand the pressure and commitment a DDlg relationship requires. In my opinion - The DDlg relationship is one of the most intimate and deep relationship a person can have. And it is a relationship that requires a lot of maturity because of the very nature it stands in. 

 

Example - I have seen multiple people in chat who will say publicly that they cannot sleep without a Daddy. They cannot be happy without a Mommy. They cannot be without a caregiver. I will openly admit; when I see this in chat my first reaction is to go to their profile and check their age. And literally every single time I have done this, said little has been 18-19 years old. The forum is a little biased (in my opinion) and Mommies and Daddies are asked to stop solicitation when they start asking for littles, but those that make these radical of statements tend to be the same age range. And the worst part is, predators know that when they are this young and trying to be in this type of relationship it is easy to prey on these individuals. Why? Because it is true. For the most part littles and caregivers of this age do not fully understand what it takes to be in this dynamic and so it is so much easier to be manipulated.

 

When you are 18, 19, 20 years old you haven't really settled into adulthood. You haven't really gotten into the swing of things to truly know how things work (again! in the vast majority!). You have done from you original caregiver's home (parents, grandparents, family, etc) and now are looking for a relationship with another caregiver. This stunts your growth as an independent adult. Not to mention that it will make you that much more vulnerable if/when the relationship ends. We need to be able to struggle and flourish on our own to learn how to cope with the real events of your life. And most importantly, learning how to survive on your own and love yourself should take top priority. Otherwise you will never be happy. And to stunt yourself at such a young age can easily warp your entire adulthood.

 

Experience

We have all seen it, "I am a new Daddy and am looking for his princess." "Hai hai, I am a new wittle looking for her Daddy!" You know what? That is great! We are all so happy that you are ready to start your first DDlg relationship! ...that is to say if you are ready. Inexperience is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, not at all. We all start out at 0 and it is up to us to figure things out and explore. This is great! However. When a person is inexperienced they need to take extra care of who they get involved with and exactly how they deal during and after break ups.

 

Example 1 - I am going to use myself as my first example here. I am currently 24 and officially acknowledged that I was a little when I was 20, but I had little like needs since I was 17. When I came to accept I was a little at 20 I started looking for forums similar to this. My rationale (like most), the best way to get to know myself is to jump head first into the community. Right? Yes and no. I found another forum with another chat system and will openly admit I was clueless about this dynamic at 20. And I cannot tell you how many older men swamped my inbox and my PMs (in this chat, ANYONE could PM you) wanting to be my Daddy. I thank my background in psychology that I was able to profile these men accurately because 99% of them were looking to take advantage of the fact that I had no idea what I was doing. This is when I backed off and took time (4 years to be exact) to do as much research to find out what I need. Now, because of my understanding, I can easily spot the manipulators, those who are not mature and those who would not be a good fit. This alone has saved me from so many issues that I cannot express enough how important research is. I know what it is like to want your Daddy to show you the ropes because you are basically at vanilla standing with no experience under your belt. But that is NOT justification to put yourself at risk.

 

Example 2 - Here recently I have spotted a new "Daddy" and a new "little" come together after only being in the dynamic for a few months or so. Why did I use quotes? Am I saying they are not a real Daddy or little? Not at all. But their lack of  experience (mixed with their age) leads me to believe (my opinion) they are not READY to be in these roles. Could they prove me wrong? Certainly! Is it likely? No. I know that one of them has just gotten out of his/her first DDlg relationship only a month-ish ago and now he/she wants to just get into a relationship to take care of someone or be taken care of. ***Vagueness used for confidentiality*** This person has not allowed enough time to even begin to recover from his/her very first relationship where the ex "ripped my heart out." This is SO dangerous! Without allowing time to deal with heartbreak you are putting not only yourself at risk but also your new partner. And this happens with inexperience because people want to experience so badly they do not take the proper precautions. 

 

Experience shouldn't be a collection. We shouldn't hold relationships like trophies. What we need to focus on is UNDERSTANDING and realistic expectations. I have not had a Daddy, but I can honestly say that when I find one, it will be a quality relationship with a lower risk of technical issues. Why? Because I supplemented my inexperience with research. Am I saying everyone needs to do 4 years of research? Hell no. But a significant amount is needed, enough to let the person know of not only the wonderful aspects of this dynamics but the very real dangers.

 

Mental Health

This is a monumental issue within our community. There have been so many issues of those with mental illness or mental unease that have jumped head first into a relationship when it is obvious that it will only harm them further. Let me make something very clear:

 

Mental illness does not mean you cannot be a Caregiver or a little.

 

Oh yeah, you know I am going to repeat myself because this is so important:

 

Mental illness does not mean you cannot be a Caregiver or little.

 

But what it does mean is you have an added responsibility (as the one with a mental illness) to acknowledge that not everyone can be put in the a relationship like this. And it is not because you are bad or gross or unlovable in any way shape or form! But all mental illness comes with added responsibilities and needs. And some people are not able to deal with those. This is just a fact of life. 

 

Example 1 - I was talking to an individual who lost his little because she didn't understand his depression. She claimed he didn't love her nor did he care about her because he couldn't be energetic and fun-loving whenever she wanted him to be. Talking further with this individual, he then revealed to me that he never told her that he was suffering from depression. See how quickly that went from "Geeze, she should understand that is how depression works," to "Wow, I can see how she misunderstood his symptoms." That is because when it comes to mental illness you need to be ready to disclose this about yourself to your new partner. If you cant (maybe you're afraid they wont be with you) then it is time to reevaluate if they are even good for you as it is.

 

Example 2 - Another individual I talked with is recovering from a particularly vicious break up. This break up has left him feeling lonely and unwanted. He wants to get into a relationship because he cannot stand the loneliness because it reminds him of his ex. When I talked to him I mentioned he should work through these issues and work on being okay before jumping into something new. He then explained that he wanted to "be with someone until I am fixed so I wont be lonely." In other words, he wants to be with someone as a way to avoid his mental trauma. This is so damaging for both people involved! A person needs time to hurt, to grieve and time to realize who they are after a break up, it is essential to being mentally healthy. And most importantly: It is NOT FAIR to expect someone to be with you when you are still suffering from a past relationship in this magnitude! When the wounds are still THIS fresh and THIS painful, another relationship WILL NOT HELP. And it will only hurt you AND your new partner even worse.

 

What these examples are showing is that we have an obligation to any future relationships to know our needs and our mental abilities before starting anything.  A person NEEDS to be in a place that is safe for both them and anyone new otherwise the risk is too great. If this means being single for however long, then that is what it takes! Utilize friends during these times, but do not jump into a new relationship when you cannot handle it. If you have a mental illness (depression, anxiety, bi-polar, etc) then you have an added responsibility to know your limits and the limits of those you may be with. Again - this does NOT make you any less of a wonderful person! Not at all!! But the symptoms and their needs cannot be ignored, it is not fair to those involved (including yourself). And if you are at a point that you are not healed from whatever may have happened, then don't back someone into a corner because you didn't want to be lonely. In my blunt opinion? This is HIGHLY selfish - you are basically saying another person has to deal with your wounds because you don't want to. Again - does this mindset mean you are unlovable and unwanted? HELL NO! It means you need to heal to be able to move on. We have ALL been there. It is just now your turn and it needs to be done so responsibly. 

 

 

My whole point that I am trying to make is this: Everyone needs to understand that this jumping from person to person is not health, it does not allow time for a person to grow or learn to understand their own self. AND rushing into another relationship after some heartache or mental trauma is not only unwise but is DANGEROUS to all involved.

 

Every single person has a responsibility to care for themselves, even if they don't want to. And even more importantly, they have an even larger obligation to be considerate of the person they want to be with. Even if that means admitting they are not ready!

 

We need to take steps to be safe and happy, otherwise all we are doing is hurting our community as a whole.

 

[Author's note - this was not proofread so please excuse any typos and errors.]

Edited July 19, 2017 by LittleBree

[BabyGirl32015]

Your insight and thought process is intriguing, the section that basicly is talking about Daddy's and Little's "rebounding" and its dangers is something I believe EVERYONE should read.

 

I had been working on putting a thread taking about this very topic, but it appears you beat me to it! Your views and ideas, along with your research have done the entire community justice and I greatly appriciate your time and effort, knowing how long this kind of thing can take.

 

Thank you for your information, and maybe you could post these on some of the other forums, they could be extremly useful and answer many of questions I see Little's and Daddies asking on a regular basis. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

This seems to be a popular topic on the forums lately. While I think that growth and time on your own is important, it's also important to recognize that some folks are in good, healthy relationships and don't need to break up and find themselves. I'm appreciating all of the productive and supportive discussion happening on this topic! Thank you all for being so good at respecting that people have differing viewpoints. (:

[James.]

Another Great Topic. I myself am guilty of some of this behavior. When you get used to having "your better half" not having someone can make you feel empty. This makes it very easy to fall into a pattern of trying to fill that void when you aren't mentally or emotionally prepared for another relationship. 
The point about younger littles being easy to take advantage of is also very true. Since I am an 18 year old Daddy, I really have only had experience with littles 18-20. Now it's possible that because we were closer in age, I was a lot less threatening to them, but it wasn't uncommon to see a level of trust from them was definitely premature for how young the relationship was. I'v actually had a bit of inner conflict before, because I knew that if I was someone looking to take advantage of them it would be very easy to so. I think information like that which you have written is very important for younger littles and caregivers, so that they can be aware of both their own behavior, as well as notice the warning signs of predatory behavior from others. Thanks for this post. I'm always surprised by how much I learn from reading what you have written, and look forward to the next Topic you choose to explore.

[Guest Don Pablo]

Spot on. Good job-erino.

 

It's not about being in a relationship, it's about being in the right relationship.

 

Social media leads us to being available all the time, which in my opionion leads to "burnout". After talking for a few days/weeks you're very likely to have covered every possible topic, which might lead to the wrong assumption of really knowing someone. What I'm trying to say is that time is your best friend. The more time you spend with someone, the deeper you will know that person. I might know your your likes and dislikes, but how am I supposed to know how you react to certain situations after a few days of talking?

 

I'm talking out of personal experience. The worst thing you can do, is to jump into a relationship, simply because you feel like you need one. Being with someone is great and fun and it keeps you away from a lot of negativity at first. But if it doesn't work out the way you wanted it, you're in much deeper shit than before. 

 

Also, just like you said, don't jump in another relationship until you're completely done with your last one AND be wary of people that have just ended a relationship and want to have another one instantly.

[Guest MissNMTX]

I just wanted to stop in and say I enjoy your posts so much.I seldom have anything to add. They are serious, well thought out, informative and cover vital important issues in the community/dynamic that few seem to want to discuss because they are "serious" "real"....discussions like these, I feel are essential to the health of the community as well as the individual relationships with in it.

[Antoinette]

This is fantastic.

 

*applauds*

[Little Illy]

Thank you guys so much for all your support. My honest opinion is that if I can use the research Ive done over the years and put it here in a concise manner so other people don't have to go all over the place like I did, I am happy to do so. So I am glad people are receiving my posts positively.

 

@ MissNMTX - I actually try to post mostly on these types of topics for that very reason. Most do not want to discuss topics that may be too close to home or too controversial. And well, those topics are always the ones that need the most discussion. Which is why my posts tend to be so long because these controversial topics are so important, there is so much to be said on them

[HeCallsMePrincess]

basically, I'm expecting life altering, enlightening posts like every day now. for serious. if I don't see one, i'll assume you're sick

 

another wonderful post good job

[Guest dus10]

Thank you for this.

 

There's this girl I had a crush on for a while. After a while we learned that we were both into DDLG, but I screwed up so badly by never having done much research prior to us giving this dynamic a shot. It hit me right in the gut when I realized I had no idea what I was doing and before I knew it she found someone who did.

 

The only person I have to blame for that is myself. I can't have possibly been naive enough to think I'd naturally be able to make all the right decisions.

 

This is a wake up call I should never forget.

[Princess Luna]

I agree with what you are saying but I don't think that I'm completely worried about currently not having a caregiver, this is because I've learnt how to deal with my loneliness.  I know not to fully lean on someone for support in case we go our separate ways. I know that a person is there to support to their best ability and I won't always have that support because people have their own problems. I do however disagree with young people being the pit of being easily manipulated, I feel that any little could regardless of age, as long as they are vulnerable (not saying being vulnerable is a bad thing but it's generally can make you easy prey so peeps need to be careful) they can be easily be taken advantage of, it's not always about how little experience I have but also how vulnerable I am, and how much common sense I have. 

Edited September 25, 2016 by Princess Luna

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

I'm on my tablet currently and I seriously dig deep, intelligent exchanges of ideas and views so you all have been warned lol tomorrow when I get on the laptop I shall fully respond to this

 

Everyone needs an advocate - even the devil.

 

I always love seeing strong people that know when to take the rose coloured glasses off!

[Guest AshleyAnimated]

This is a really great post! I've very recently started to feel very similarly about all this. As much as I want a caregiver right now, I need to figure out exactly what I want first. I didn't know when I jumped into my last relationship, and it really hurt everyone involved, so I don't want to make that mistake again. There's part of me also that just wants to enjoy being single for a while and not worry about finding a relationship. I've spent a long time feeling that my happiness depended on that, that I was robbing myself of the happiness I could have had just being by myself. If something comes along next week, great! If I'm single for the next two years, that's awesome too. I want a relationship, but I also want to make sure I do it right this time, and I'm in no rush.

[auban]

Is it bad that I would love nothing more than to be a CG for some of these littles that are suffering from mental illness? Not because I need more littles to be happy. I have three beautiful girls to take care of as it is, one being my little aki.

 

I don't even want more littles really, but I love seeing people blossom as they learn to live joyous lives despite their illnesses.

 

All that may make me sound naive. But, I have lived with LittleAki for over 8 years now, and her severe anxiety and depression, possible BPD, etc, hasn't scared me away. Sometimes I have had to let her face the shame and fears of what her own actions cause, while simultaneously scooping her up into my arms and letting her know that i love her anyway. That I love her despite all of her fears, all of her anxieties. Even when she does things that she thinks I should hate her for.

 

The way I see it, nobody should try to be a care giver unless they can love their little the same way they would love an actual child. Think about it... what happenes when that little suddenly does something that really hurts them? Parents get mad at their children all the time, but they calm themselves down. They communicate with them. They forgive them because they are children. They want them to be happy, and they know that children don't have all the well developed coping skills of a typical adult. That is how I love Aki. I can forgive her when she lashes out at me because I know that she is afraid of the monsters under the bed. She is afraid of the dark. It's my job to find a way to show her that there is nothing to be afraid of so that she doesnt have to live in fear, whether she has me to comfort her or not. It is NOT my job to tell her that she is wrong for being afraid.

 

I can't tell you all how much I love my little Aki, nor how incredibly proud of her I am. That girl has been through hell in her life, and yet she still drives on. I feel so incredibly blessed just to be a part in her transformation, her life, her growth. When I found her, she was a scared little girl who desperately wanted someone to love her, but was sure that nobody could never love her if they really knew her. The scariest thing she ever did was really trust me. Because then she had to let me see her the way she saw herself, and she was sure that I could not love her if I really saw her. She showed me all the vicious nasty bits, terrified that I would crush her. Terrified that I would tell her that she was right, that she really was despicable and unlovable. But that wasn't how I saw her.

 

I chose how I would see her. I chose who she was to ME. I got to choose whether she was or was not lovable TO ME. I chose to love her, and in time she saw that she could choose to love herself. Seeing her make that choice has been the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I wouldnt trade it for the world.

 

I may or may not ever have another little in my life. I don't need another by any means. For me, I would be in it for the long haul, I would canstantly want to see them grow. I would want to bring them into my family and teach them to fly. Even if it took years... ESPECIALLY if it took years... it would not break my heart if they left. In fact, my goal would be to get them to the point where they don't need me, or anyone else, in order to be full of joy.

 

My one word of caution I would have for any prospective daddies/mommies out there... do you love yourself enough to choose to be someone that you absolutely love? Do you love yourself enough to discipline yourself enough to respond with compassion and insight? Do you love yourself enough to accept your own fears and anxieties, and let them go?

 

If not, then watch out. If you think having the adoration of a little is the only way for you to truly be happy, then you are putting a burden on them. One that they may not be able to carry. Do not take this stuff lightly.

 

Of all the power exchange dynamics, this one has the most potential to change people. It is the only one that is completely modeled after the practice of unconditional love. Treat it as such.

[Guest MisterBrownEyes]

Intelligent well thought article,thank you for sharing

 

Mr B

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

Ok! At my computer now!!

 

"Rebounding" in any corner of society in itself is a sign of mental immaturity. Well adapted, stable adults don't collect boyfriends like Pokemon cards. 

 

I completely agree with you on the subject of Mental Illness in CGs (and littles) - I have "Compassion Fatigue" which is pretty much secondary PTSD due to my previous profession.  As a Little,  My Dominus has to take that into consideration in everything we do due to triggers so on a Little/ Middle level.. it's an immense amount of work and consideration for our CGs to take on. For a Caregiver with Mental Illness.. it's a thousand fold. You now have to manage and maintain your own mental health, while at the same time managing the stability and emotional health of another person. It's a fine line to walk and it isn't for anyone who isn't under the proper care of a professional or someone who hasn't reached a level of stability in their own struggle. It's a lot of stress and a lot of pressure on someone - I don't personally think anyone who isn't "controlled" should be taking on anything that monumental (kinda like the guy with Asthma who isn't taking puffers shouldn't run a marathon). Mental illness is no different than any other chronic illness. You wouldn't tell the diabetic to just "deal with it" and hand them a candy bar and unfortunately our society looks at mental health like it's a skinned knee... but that's a whole other can of worms I'll open another day. 

 

Disclosure is super important but before that... you need to reach some level of Stability to be a properly functioning person. I'm sure some people will crucify me for saying mentally ill people don't function properly.. but without treatment.. they don't - It's fact whether it sucks to hear it or not. If you cannot make well thought out decisions for yourself.. you absolutely cannot make decisions for another persons well being. As the OP said.. not dealing with your issues and inflicting your crap on another person is Selfish and endangers their mental health. If you are suffering - Why would you want to push that on someone else. 

 

My Daddy is a social worker, very well grounded and extremely intelligent and if were not for these things.. I wouldn't be with him. I understand as a sub that has an Anxiety Disorder - I am more work than a girl who doesn't have such a disorder. 

 

In conclusion - Whether we are little, Middle, Kitten, Pet, Top, Dom, Alpha etc etc we all have a responsibility to ourselves and our future partners to sit down, think hard, and decide who we are, Where our short comings are and where our strengths are. If you have unresolved stuff, pursue that first. If you're having a new boyfriend/Daddy/GF/etc every week (as in a "relationship" not a one night stand)  - something is really, really wrong. Something, somewhere is broken and your well being should always be your first priority when it comes to finding a mate. Think of your emotions as a garden... When you are weeding out the issues and cared for, you flourish! However, when neglected... those weeds take over and all the pretty things get snuffed out. Its hard to be Happy in a pile of dirt and weeds - Whether you own it or you're just Visiting. 

[Little Illy]

Sorry, everyone! I have been away from the forum for a bit. But! 

 

Thank you, everyone, who has added such wonderful amendments to this topic. I agree with all of you. Our dynamic comes with a ton of responsibility that other do not. And that is because it incorporates so many other elements, that even when two, perfectly healthy and happy individuals come together there is still an immense undertaking. 

 

You all rock. I am so glad to see so many awesome people and perspectives here.

[cuppycakes]

Thank you for posting a link to this in a recent post of yours. I haven't read this one before and I'm so glad I got to read it now. It is INCREDIBLY well written. At first I had a selection of quotes (to show which parts I thought were really significant) HOWEVER I ended up scratching that idea because I think the entirety of the post is important with context (plus I basically could have quoted the entire thing).

 

Thanks again!

[Little Illy]

@Cuppycakes - I'm glad you liked the post! I try not to promote my own writing, but every now and again some of my topics fit the conversation. I just hope it helps ^.^

[Guest littleprincess_7]

Great post! Needs to be said.

 

Plenty of adults have no idea what Co dependency is or how some (bullies) take advantage of that to their own ends.

[Himedere-Chan]

Couldn't have said it better myself. And I like how this post's narrative can be applied to any romantic relationship, not just CG/l.

[cuppycakes]

@Cuppycakes - I'm glad you liked the post! I try not to promote my own writing, but every now and again some of my topics fit the conversation. I just hope it helps ^.^

You SHOULD promote your own writing! It's good to keep people talking about things like this, opening ideas for discussion and opening minds.

[Little Illy]

You SHOULD promote your own writing! It's good to keep people talking about things like this, opening ideas for discussion and opening minds.

 

Aw! Thank you! I'm glad some people have a similar mindset as I do!

[LittleGirlEmilia]

I actually know who you're talking about with the "little" and the "daddy", it confused the heck out of me haha. It took them 2 days... It's actually shocking. They're completely not ready for the dynamic and I fully expect the cycle to repeat itself from watching past "relationships" similar to theirs. 

 

I agree with everything you've said. 100%

 

This needs to be talked about more often, if more people understood this then maybe there'd be less short term online relationships. :/

[Little Illy]

Bump-a-bumping this because it seems HIGHLY freaking relevant for what has been going on in the forum lately...