Am I wrong?

[Thisisme]

Ok, so I have a grown up question. My Daddy and I are still having problems communicating with one another. There are things that he says that make me immediately leave little space and become Big Girl Nay.

Now a little back story... Daddy has IED, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety. I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and anxiety (I know, a lot of toxic diagnoses between 2 people who may not need to be together... but I believe like speaks to like and crazy people need love too lol). I have spent many years working on myself and handling my issues, to the point where I can live day to day without the need of medication. Daddy, on the other hand,uses his issues as a crutch... a way to explain his behavior and to try to get his way (in my opinion).

 

Now, I have been in the BDSM lifestyle since I was a younger me. I'm the one who introduced him into the lifestyle (well showed him that he isn't the only one who likes kink). I made a goal for myself at the beginning of the year. I said I was going to become more active in the scene again. Because of other issues, I wasn't able to start that process until recently. I thought this would be a great way for Daddy and me to get closer. But it appears to have had the reverse effect. Every time I try to talk calmly with him about anything pertaining to going to play parties, events, etc., he gets angry and we argue. I have tried to figure out what makes him get so angry (and yes I've asked him many times), but he keeps saying "I don't know how to explain it." All that does is anger me and we then argue. There are many things that have been insinuated as well as said flat out. 2 of the biggest things that are a major issue for me are:

 

1) He gets angry if ANYONE sees me naked. Now, mind you, I have NOT even mentioned anything about playing with anyone else. Nor has it crossed my mind at any point. He says my body is his temple and no one else should see it. I disagree with him. I see bodies as the most beautiful works of art (no matter shape, size, color, scars, etc). I have never been shy about my body and was not raised to be. I see it as people can see my body, as long as there is no touching without consent.

 

2) He thinks that I am doing things without his knowledge. Now this one goes all the way down to what tales place in my daily vanilla life. I do compartmentalize my life because it helps me function and flow better day to day. I don't think that things that are shared between me and my vanilla friends has anything to do with him, therefore shouldn't effect our relationship. He says that I am supposed to be completely open to him about everything. This is a problem for me because I am a private person when it comes to my friendships. I DO NOT talk about matters that are private. So if it's not just joking around, I see it as a violation of privacy to my friends. He has several trust issues from previous relationships, and I feel that he is pushing those people's mistakes onto me. Am I wrong to think that since I have done nothing wrong, that I deserve to be trusted?

 

 

There are a few other things I should mention...

 

1) Daddy and I aren't in a relationship (vanilla world type). We tried that and things didn't work for us that way.

 

2) We did part ways for a while because I did get into a relationship that led to a horrible marriage (getting a divorce thank Goddess).

 

3) Not all days are bad or argumentative days. We do have good days (not as many as we did before parting ways).

 

I would just like see what others think. Please help!!

[Guest Officedad]

Communication, voice what you want and expect, if these don't materialise then speak about them again, if again they don't happen reassess if you should be in a relationship.

 

But communication is key whatever happens.

[Antoinette]

Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship.

 

Vanilla, BDSM, DDlg, heck even ''fwb'' relationships. You need to communicate, or else everybody is lost - nobody knows where they stand and so they fall. It won't work without communication. 

 

-Him getting angry about others seeing you naked- 

You have to, have to, have to understand that it clearly makes him uncomfortable that other people should see you in your most vulnerable form other than himself. I'm sure a lot of doms feel this way. Of course as a sub or as anyone it's okay for you to want others to see you naked but if one person in a relationship is not okay or comfortable with that then that is cheating, plain and simple. This is where communication/compromise come into play. If you two cannot sort something out together about this issue then I'm afraid the 'relationship' most likely will not work.

 

-His trust issues-

While he should not be projecting his issues onto you, I feel as though this may be where compromise comes in again. If genuinely you have nothing to hide perhaps you could ease his thoughts slightly by telling him a few bits and pieces, although I doubt that it will do much to help him if he has bad trust issues. 

 

Not all the days have to be bad days to see that this won't last very long without a few key needs: communication, compromise, trust. You need all three, all three for this to work and if you don't have them, it won't - simple as. That's how it works. I'm sorry but without those things you're just shouting at a brick wall that will never listen to what you have to say. Parting ways is obviously difficult and I'm sure even more so when it's with someone who has so many mental illnesses and as do you, you probably feel akin in that sense and relate to each other on a level unlike many people you will meet, but you have to understand that mental illnesses (especially ones like Bipolar, I have it myself) can and often do lead to unhealthy relationships and people like us need to know better than anyone how to spot these signs and get out fast because it can effect us more than most people.

[Thisisme]

-Him getting angry about others seeing you naked-

You have to, have to, have to understand that it clearly makes him uncomfortable that other people should see you in your most vulnerable form other than himself. I'm sure a lot of doms feel this way. Of course as a sub or as anyone it's okay for you to want others to see you naked but if one person in a relationship is not okay or comfortable with that then that is cheating, plain and simple. This is where communication/compromise come into play. If you two cannot sort something out together about this issue then I'm afraid the 'relationship' most likely will not work.

 

-His trust issues-

While he should not be projecting his issues onto you, I feel as though this may be where compromise comes in again. If genuinely you have nothing to hide perhaps you could ease his thoughts slightly by telling him a few bits and pieces, although I doubt that it will do much to help him if he has bad trust issues.

It's not that I want other people to see me naked. I just don't care if they do. It has never bothered me or something I put much notice in, I guess. It's a body. Every single person has one, some have booties, some have "man bits" (what I call it lol) so what's the big deal (at least that's my train of thought).

 

As for his trust issues, they run deep. I have given him the bits and pieces of my life that I can give without overstepping certain privacy issues. But that isn't enough. He expects me to give him every detail. But the most worrisome part is that I asked him, "if I do that, if I let you know every single detail about my day to day life (my family, friends, kids, etc), what do I get in return? Since this is supposed to be a compromise, what am I getting?" He lost his temper again at that question. I just don't get it.

Edited September 13, 2016 by BabyGirlNay

[Antoinette]

I 100% agree with you on the bodies thing and you are well within your right to have that feeling, or any feeling you may have.

 

It really sounds like this guy needs a form of help like therapy and I don't think it's within his or your best interests to keep the 'relationship' (intimate friendship? I don't know what you'd like to call it) going. Urge him to get help, possibly would be my advice. I really, really, don't think it's helpful for this to continue though. You seem like such a free spirit and such a lovely person and he seems like a possible insecure, controlling person. 

 

Do what you think it right, ultimately that's the only thing you can do.

[Thisisme]

I 100% agree with you on the bodies thing and you are well within your right to have that feeling, or any feeling you may have.

 

It really sounds like this guy needs a form of help like therapy and I don't think it's within his or your best interests to keep the 'relationship' (intimate friendship? I don't know what you'd like to call it) going. Urge him to get help, possibly would be my advice. I really, really, don't think it's helpful for this to continue though. You seem like such a free spirit and such a lovely person and he seems like a possible insecure, controlling person.

 

Do what you think it right, ultimately that's the only thing you can do.

Thanks you so much for your advice. I used to be such a free spirit, and that's the person I'm trying to get back to desperately. I miss being her. And he has gone to a therapist once since we got back into our 'ship' (that's what I call it because it's more than friendship bit not a vanilla relationship lol). He doesn't have a lot of money, so it's hard for him to pay for Dr. visits (a few other reasons he points out, but I won't get into those).

 

It's just hard for me to walk away from people who I truly care about (loyalty can be a blessing and a curse). Once I bring a person into my bubble of love, it's hard for me to let them go.

 

I've stayed I relationships with people who I didn't love (or even like... recent marriage ending) for the sake of loyalty and doing what I thought was right. I know hindsight is 20/20, and not one of those relationships ended pretty. I felt as though I was lying to myself, and in turn, lying to them. Maybe I should just be alone for a while and get back to being me.

 

This is my first 'relationship' where I'm in the submissive side, so ending it kind of makes me feel like a failure. I don't know... I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

Edited September 13, 2016 by BabyGirlNay