Aftercare neglect

[raptorkitty]

This is going to be quite difficult to make my thought process clear about whats going on, but ill try my best for you to understand. 

 

Background 1: Me and my daddy met October 18th, 2015. We started out as sex friends, i guess you'd say. He did not know about DDlg and I never brought it up till the far future. He's quite vanilla, but the way he thinks is more.... narcissistic, or maybe just personality disorder-like. Anyways, we hit rough patches throughout our "sex relationship," but in may 2016, I brought up DDlg. I think the idea of something different and new excited him, as he hasn't been in a relationship in 7 years. He became my daddy before my boyfriend, but after 2 weeks of DDlg we started our relationship. 

 

Background 2: Ive noticed that he brings up that being a daddy is not part of him, as being a sub/pet/little is for me. Which is understandable to me. He's in a grey area where he was introduced to a whole new world. He's trying to figure out what parts fit him and what don't. I can't expect him to fit in a category. However, there are things that spark his interests and it excites me to see him getting involved.

 

Background 3: After 3 months (almost 4,)of being in a relationship and ddlg, we had our first scene. He started by tying my wrists together with a rope tightly, then he moved to my ankles. He told me to then sit at the end of the bed, as he placed my slave collar on. Afterwards, he put a blindfold on me. He got pretty intense with the commands, which excited me because it was the first time seeing his sadistic side. He grabbed my leash and forced my face into the bed and told me that I was to escape the room, and until I did, I'd be whipped. Quite intense trying to get out of a room when you have no idea where you are going, tied up, with your dom pulling you by the throat with the leash and whipping you hard. However it was fun, and I laughed a lot. At one point the collar broke because he was dragging me across the floor. But i got out of the room and we had a good laugh as we sat in the hallway so he could untie me. He gave me about 30 seconds of a hug on our knees till he moved to the bed and started talking about making his own collar for me. Although i was in desperate need of after care, I sat patiently. Hearing him talk and draw up a design made me so happy. It felt like the first time we were both feeling the BDSM part of our relationship.

 

Main problem: Now as we were sitting on the bed, he suddenly mentioned how weird it is that i seem completely normal, after an intense scene and how i don't need after care. I was in shock by his complete ignorance that I wasn't able to say anything, and all more confused as to what to even say. He continued talking about other stuff, then said he was going to go play his games. 

Now side note, I don't think he's even research aftercare. We do a little after our regular rough sex, but he didn't know the phycological damages that could be caused by an abrupt stop. 

I stared at him blankly, which he knows something is wrong by the stare and crawled back into bed asking what was wrong. I brought it up that he made a wrong assumption about the aftercare and that i did need it. Which led to him saying how unfair i was for not bringing it up earlier. Which is understandable, i should have brought it up right when he said something. Anyways, this conversation just ending up leading to him talking about how being a daddy is not "him" and that he feels like he's not his true self when I'm my true self. And even got to the part where he started to ask if we could schedule "kitten time." Kitten time is when i slip into subspace. However it crushed me to have to schedule when i can be who i am, definitely when we've never brought up scheduling DDlg. Which i stated that i didnt want that and he said "yeah its unfair for me to ask you not to be yourself." Which then led to him saying once again, that he was going to go play his game and my aftercare completely ignored. I stated it once more (aftercare) before I got dressed but nothing came from it, so i went for a half an hour walk in hopes to self care. When i came home, there was awkward silences and he stayed in the living room as i sat in the bedroom on my phone. He came in after 15-20 minutes on his tablet, and continued beside me. After about 10 minutes he said we should go to bed, which i replied with "after care." He said he didn't know what to do and just sat there. I kept repeating it until her hugged me and petted me for about 2 minutes. Which then led to him saying we should go to bed again. 

 

At this point my emotions are all over the place and Im having an extremely hard time holding onto myself. While we are in bed about to sleep he starts to come onto me. However, in the middle of sex, I break down crying and we stop and go to sleep. 

 

The next morning, I could feel the desperation of aftercare. I needed to feel accepted and loved. After all I was in a very vulnerable state after the scene and instead of showing me that he accepts me, he tore me down. He pushed me to get up, shower, and drive back down to my city (an hour away) for school. As we are saying goodbye i could feel the distance between us. Like there was a barrier around him, and i felt even more shunned. I drove home crying all the way back to my city, and went to school. When I got back home I messaged him and asked him if he could do me a favour. He said sure, and I said "in the BDSM book, theres a part about aftercare, could you take some time and read it ?"

 

He said sure, and didn't reply for about 30 minutes. I thought he was reading it, but he came back and said "sorry i was watch naturo." Which was the end of my patience as I felt as though i had been screaming at him to give me aftercare. 

 

​I then told him what I'm feeling "I'm feeling shunned....... i let you see a very vulnerable side of me .... and i feel like you haven't tried to make me feel accepted. everything was very abruptly stopped. and I'm feel like I'm screaming at you to help me....... I'm lost and you aren't there. so i give up. ill leave you alone."

 

Mind you, saying i give up and that id leave him alone was probably not the best way to bring up my feelings. He then asked why i didn't bring it up earlier and how unfair it once again was. I told him I've been trying to tell him and he told me that i haven't been. After a little bit of an argument he started to swear and making his words harsh. He told me that i except him to know things and whats going on with me. But with all honestly, I do expect him too. I expect that if he's going to being tearing me down, he is to bring me back up. I expect him to research aftercare and be knowledgable about subspace and aftercare and sub drop before starting a scene, since he knows each term. I feel that if i am to put full trust in him for a scene, that i should expect to cared for after, mentally, physically and emotionally. And if i bring up that I'm feeling abandoned, he shouldn't go off saying how un fair i am for not bring it up earlier, because after all, i did bring up after care, and he was the one who used my most vulnerable start to pick apart out relationship and tell me things he doesn't like. Definitely when i needed to be encouraged that I'm love and reassured. 

 

Anyways, now he's not talking and i have no clue what to do. I don't know if this is a normal thing for he beginning of BDSM relationships. Ive brought up before that we could stop DDlg if it wasn't "him" and he told me that this is what he wanted so I'm feeling like I'm getting mixed messaged. 

How do i even deal with this? I don't even know how to communicate with him anymore in fear that I'm going to feel even more abandoned. 

Edited September 13, 2016 by Daddy'sBrat666

[Guest ZenDD]

Feeling neglected and unhappy is not healthy in any kind of relationship. I know you feel like you're getting mixed messages, but it seems pretty clear to me that this person does not really share your interests with regards to relationship dynamics. The only thing that seems unclear to me, is how you believe that there could be any long-term reason to continue what appears to be a bad relationship. We all know it's difficult to leave something that's become a routine part of life. It's hard to break a cycle. Sometimes we love people who are unhealthy for our lives, and leaving people we love is really hard to do. I'm sure there is something positive within this relationship, i sure hope so, but the negative seems to far outweigh whatever positive that could exist. At least, this is how I interpret what you've written.

 

You don't describe any sort of DDlg dynamic here, so i will respond to what you have described, your BDSM interaction: just because BDSM explores masochism, sadism, and pressured mental strategy, does not mean that this type of relationship should make you unhappy, discouraged, or in emotional pain. BDSM is practiced not just for the benefits of the bedroom, but for its practitioners the fulfillment continues outside of the bedroom, making life in general happier and healthier. Again, the psychological benefits are supposed to enrich your entire life, not just your sex life. Your state-of-mind and your emotions should feel more balanced, more fulfilled, and more prioritized. Your self-identity and inner peace should feel nurtured and embraced. That's what any "fetish" lifestyle is supposed to do for its adherents. If it doesn't, it's not for you, and what's the point? And it's also important to remember that good sex is not enough to sustain an entire mind, body, and spirit. It is PART of sustaining them. So even if this relationship provides a fulfilling sex life, it is obviously providing little else. Think about the pros and cons of this relationship, and be good to yourself. Good luck.

Edited September 13, 2016 by ZenDD

[DollDirector]

We don't know what is going on inside him although we guess he is not bringing himself to the level of attention you legitimately require. It is as if he was,like,shooting a scene to post on a porn site,and when the scene is done well,that's it. Except you are doing more than act.

Thanks for sharing what's going on inside you. More detailed answers like the one by ZenDD above,are to be hoped for. I just wanted to raise that point:

 

Maybe you are not this type of little ?

More of a type where there is less exposition to such drop risks ? This first scene you are describing is bdsm all right,but I fail to see the ddlg content.

Edited September 13, 2016 by DollDirector

[Guest clingylil]

I don't know if i what I'm gonna write is right thing or no

But why don't u text him n ask a "daddy time" where is u can tell him calmly what do u want him to learn (aftercare) and maybe learn the dynamics together, as if u still want to try with him again to fix ur relationship

But if u were think u can move on, then move on, find someone who can cherish u more and maybe understand what do u want. I know it's hard but u would never know if we didn't try it.

Hope u feel better soon

[Antoinette]

WOOOOOWWW! HUUUUGE RED FLAGS RIGHT NOW.

Okay, I understand his perspective, my daddy is completely new to DDlg/BDSM, he was vanilla before me and he would NEVER EVER, EVER do anything like this. Not to put them against each other but I'm sorry - his ignorance is NOT an excuse. Usually I'm well-rounded and I like to put myself in both people's shoes for these responses but no. Not this time. You were saying aftercare, YOU SAID IT MORE THAN ONCE and he didn't care, he wasn't straight up with your or plainly stating that he wasn't quite sure how to appropriately give aftercare. It seems likes he's putting the blame on you for something that you haven't done.

 

Listen to me and listen to me good, darling - YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG HERE. If he is not a Dom/Daddy whatever the heck then he shouldn't be playing the role, and to top it off he shouldn't be playing it in a neglectful way. Yes, it's great for people to explore themselves but he is making you two distanced and he is neglecting you and putting the blame on you when it is entirely his fault for not researching what he is getting into, even when you're clearly giving him the resources. 

 

While this might not be directly DDlg I am so bloody happy you came to this forum because ohhhh boyyy, you need to hear the things the people of this forum will tell you. This is a toxic situation, you told him how you felt, he seemingly does not care and if I were you I would jump out of that relationship SO QUICKLY.

 

But of course, it is your decision on what you do. And of course maybe he is genuinely confused and lost in this vast, vast new world but it does not make what he did (or rather didn't) do any more acceptable. Please realise that you are not the one in the wrong here 100% not.

[Guest Littlepup]

Antoinette is absolutely correct 

 

You did nothing wrong here

 

You're mister sound extremely inexperienced in social interaction and also a very bad combination of insecure and prideful, which is what makes him start blaming you every time something is wrong. And also why he won't say anything about. He'd rather ignore the subject than admit that he doesn't know what he is supposed to be doing. He doesn't want to feel embarrassed or admit that he is wrong. He needs to learn some serious lessons in empathy and being humble before he will ever be ready to have a healthy relationship. 

 

Don't let him Dom you anymore. You may thrive as a submissive, like me, but being submissive does not mean that you submit to everyone. Only a compassionate person who is mature enough to put you before their insecurities deserves to play Dom with you.

 

You can give up on him, but don't give up on yourself. I hope you can learn more here and become stronger as a sub and don't doubt yourself. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You can cry as much as you want. A normal partner would be there holding you the whole time you cry and apologizing. We all make mistakes, but to be ignorant to them is to ignore when mistakes hurt people around you. And that's unacceptable.