Instant Gratification

[Little Illy]

*Waves* So. I am going to play devil's advocate again. This time on something I feel passionately about. I just ask we all keep the peace and are able to have a mature discussion. Thanks everyone.

 

Here lately I have found myself talking to people, one on one, about the plague that has swept through generations. The one named Instant Gratification. We all know that need, the desire to get what we want and get it NOW. To put forth little effort and have things just fall into place. We are all guilty of it, at least sometimes, and we will always be guilty of it in some aspects. This is seen especially true when it comes to things like electronics and personal gains. In this day and age we are able to get so much instantly that we are conditioning ourselves into thinking this is the norm. Well. Let me make one thing clear. 

 

Instant gratification in relationships will always lead to failure.

 

Wait... Just once more... 

 

Instant gratification in relationships will always lead to failure.

 

I will use this forum as an example, but know this whole post can easily be applied to any other means of relationships. 

 

I have seen a behavior here of people (and I will never name names) joining the site, or starts becoming active, or expresses their needs to just get what they seek and want it all to happen within that moment. To narrow the scope, lets turn just to the personals and chat. All too much a person will become increasingly impatient when their add does not get the responses they desire, or the attention they want in chat. And, from a third person perspective, this is so mentally damaging of a mindset.

 

When people seek instant relationships, nine times out of ten they will fail. And if they don't fail, it will not be an ideal situation. These people who want their CG or their little NOW are those who are not educated enough in this dynamic. Let me explain:

 

I am not saying those who are ready for a relationship are uneducated. It is the people who just expect to get a CG or a little simply because they are here or they want attention or that they are apart of the community AND they don't want to take time in getting to know anyone. These people are the ones who need to step back and start doing more research. These people are going to be the ones who are continually hurt or who will hurt (unintentionally) others because of their lack of understanding of social dynamics. You cannot expect instant gratification with relationships because it is harmful for those involved. This is psychological fact.

 

But what I have noticed as an issue in this community are those who are expecting a relationship to just *happen* without even making an attempt at... anything. To me (as MY OPINION) these people are no where near ready to even be in a relationship. If you are not willing to be a part of a community (using this forum as an example) and get to know anyone, then that speaks to how much effort you are willing to put into a significant other. If you just expect someone to come to you and fulfill your needs, again, that just shows how lazy you are in relationships. And that is not something anyone needs.

 

Moving away from my opinion - Psychology shows us that to form any kind of connection a basis of understanding and mutual knowledge is needed of one another. And this cannot be done in mere hours or days. A person does not experience the spectrum of emotions and triggers needed to fully show the real You in days. Am I saying you need to know your possible CG or little 100% before forming a relationship? No, not at all. I am saying you need to know more than the basics, just like any relationship. What are their theologies, professional goals, academic goals, future living plans, family goals, what are their pet peeves, fears, passions, etc? How can you even begin to make an informed decision if you don't know anything about a person? What happens when you get caught up in finding your new "Daddy" and you two are together and then only find out that he never wants to have kids, he doesn't believe in God and he is racist? But wait... you "loved" him? Remember? Or what happens when you get with your new "little" and find out she never wants to work, expects a high lifestyle and has a track record?

 

Of course everyone has flaws and those can be worked on if you love someone - but you cannot love someone within hours because you don't even know that person. You know what they want you to know. There are exceptions of course - maybe you two talked for 10 hours a day for weeks. Or you form such a deep level of connection over a like passion that it drives the need to know more. But what I am saying is - you cannot expect this instant, serious, relationship after just meeting someone. You cannot expect to find your forever CG or Little the moment you post an add. You cannot expect to find a TRUE Daddy when you say in chat "I need a Daddy so badly" or vice versa (Daddy for a little). 

 

These things take time. And that is a good thing! We, society in general, need to learn to take time for those things that truly matter. We need to savor the process of getting to know someone, to learning those little details that drive us wild with wonder and amazement. 

 

We need to understand that instant gratification should be saved for fast food and Netflix, and not people and relationships. 

 

 

[Guest LicklePrincess]

Yes Yes Yes this this this!!!!

[HeCallsMePrincess]

*raises hands* preach

[Petal]

I agree with this on a very personal level.  I know there are people who just jump into things and it magically works out, but I just don't see that as a way to conduct myself with people.  If I was really interested in somebody, it would be a lot of "getting to know" that person before I took any serious steps...

 

But then again, this is just my opinion.

[HeCallsMePrincess]

I cannot imagine sharing such an important and personal part of myself with someone I just met, or the heartache and pain if it all fell apart. that's personal information someone now has about you and you have no idea what they'll do with it. that's a lot of trust to just hand someone you've known for hours, days, weeks or even months.

[princesskairi]

YES. This is so important. It's one of my biggest turn offs/pet peeves when someone comes across just instantly wanting to talk to you for the sake of a relationship without even getting to know you first properly. I find that rushing into these sort of things just lead to disaster for both parties. I'm really glad someone made a post on this topic!

[Trash Queen]

The people this refers to aren't going to bother reading this or adhere to it.

 

But it's p solid. Most are impatient and desperate for something intimate they'll throw themselves into the first person to show interest. I've noticed it does tend to be the younger crowd. The older ones come off more as wanting to get their jollies.

 

Ultimately those throwing themselves into ddlg relationships after a short time are going to do whatever they want and will have to learn for themselves, if they even are capable of doing so.

[Michael]

I would never jump into a relationship, but I sort of get why some people do it, even though it's a bad idea most of the time.

 

People display so much public affection on here for their daddies or littles that it's easy to feel like you're the only one without a partner. It seems like there's happy couples everywhere. There's also a lot of posts that unintentionally exclude single people, so there's a huge pressure that some people feel to quickly snap up a little or a daddy so they can participate in the community "for real".

 

This is a great post though.

[Guest blah911]

I haven't really done a lot of research or thought on this particular subject, but my parents started out dating and they seem alright (still married after roughly 35 years) and I've met other couples that have done it as well.  I think you just have to take the growth of the relationship slow, like being casual at first and then becoming more serious through time.

[sweetlilone]

So much yes here. Seriously the importance of this thread cannot be over stated!!!!

[Little Illy]

Well shoot. I'm glad my little rant is well received. Thanks guys, it is so reassuring to see people that believe in this notion.

[madeofcookiedough]

I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I believe some of those instant gratification people think this is mainly a hook up site, rather than one that focuses on the community.  That could possibly explain why some of these people are upset that no one has responded. Taking it slow and getting to know each other, so there's no surprises later on is vital to maintaining each other's happiness. Michael's post is really interesting as I could see why that would be a reason for the instant gratification.

[TheProfessor]

Hear, hear.

[Guest ZenDD]

I think this is a really good post. And it's a much discussed issue not only in this forum, or DDlg forums, but any kind of forum where adults congregate to look for like-mindedness and companionship. 

 

Most of us can agree with the deduction made within the post, as the responses clearly show. Most of us can also understand how easy it can be to fall into its predicament. But like Bree, I'll also play devil's advocate here. Let's not oversimplify this. What occurs too frequently within this continued debate, is that "time" and "speed" are usually mentioned without regards to the proportionate amount of effort given. In other words, it's not just about quantity, it's about quality. 

 

At my age, I have known people who have known one another for a fairly lengthy period of time who didn't really know each other that well. They may have know each other's favorite food, colors, favorite music, pet peeves, ways of being entertained and having fun, but didn't know much about the more complex inner workings and motivations of one another. Length of time is not enough of a determining factor. And as Bree's post did mention briefly, frequency of contact is also something to factor in. A couple who have spoken to one another for three hours a day for one month may very well know each other just as well, if not better, than a couple who have spoken to one another for two hours a week for one year. How are we to really know? Only they can really know.

 

In other words, it may be easy for us to judge others, or ourselves even, with regards to how "long" we've known someone, or how "fast" a connection was made. But the reality is that it isn't that black and white. It's more about the effort, quality of attention, and depth of interaction that determines the "legitimacy," "validity", or strength of a connection. It is about what is accomplished, and how much is accomplished, within any given time, that really matters.

 

Some of us are better communicators. Some of us are more open than others. Some of us are more honest. Some of us are more desperate. Some of us are more emotionally healthy. Some of us are more logistically stable. All of those things are far greater factors with which to determine a lasting connection than the amount of time in which we've known someone. We should't get into the habit of painting everyone with the same brush.

 

Oh damn. I think I just officially became the old guy that yells at kids telling them to "get off my lawn."  I should go back inside and read the newspaper.

Edited September 12, 2016 by ZenDD

[littlelili]

Very true words here *throws glitter at this post*

The issue with trying to get relationships in a hurry is that if one can be convinced that the thing is working, any bad thing, or incompatibility that is going to happen is going to be a big deal and likely much, going to hurt.

If you take the time to get to know someonr better, you are less likely to be surprised by their "flaws". If you fall in love and know someone you are going to be prepared for that, you're going to understand as much as your partner is going to understand and accept you.

Rushing anything is always a bad idea, and shows desperation instead of true interest.

[Guest MissNMTX]

*Preach*

[AngeI]

I feel bad for laughing when people say how much they love their "Daddy" after only knowing each other for a week but..it's just like...common sense. Those relationships will last a month, tops.

[Trash Queen]

I feel bad for laughing when people say how much they love their "Daddy" after only knowing each other for a week but..it's just like...common sense. Those relationships will last a month, tops.

Then three months of statuses about missing their ex daddy.

 

 

Huehuehue

[Dragon Child]

Instant gratification is certainly not the way to go. I've posted personals for months and never got good replies, but i'd rather wait for the perfect one, rather than to rush in with someone i don't love, just to be loved by someone i barely know ^^

[MisterJ]

This, as you pointed out Bree, is so very prevalent in today's society. We who live in what is called The First World are incredibly privileged at a cost to both the planet, and those people who inhabit what is called The Third World. I marvel at the kids I see who can punch in their parents' passcode and get to their favourite game. It makes me shudder to think how disconnected we are becoming from the "natural world." And again, it makes me wonder what is the nature of the natural... It's all just matter, atoms and space, after all...

 

Anyway - I digress...

 

With regards to relationships and intimacy...

 

Ultimately every "relationship" is a risk. It's evident that minimising that risk is achieved through actually knowing your significant other before they become your significant other. Does that mean you can't fall head over heels straight away? No - of course not.

 

What it does mean is that, no matter the case or state of the "relationship," an exchange that results in a fluid rapport is most likely to lead to something lasting and significant.

 

Why shouldn't we fall head over heels? Why not walk upside down and allow our own emotions to sweep us off our own feet. For me, the important thing here is to remember is that ultimately I am responsible for my emotional state of mind; nobody has ever broken my heart, but I have worn it on my sleeve before, and as a result it has been exposed, bruised, and broken. I own those occasions, and I'm stronger for them. Those instances were of my own making, and ultimately it was my choice to put my heart in a precarious position. With this knowledge, I can sleep soundly at night - without resentment for ex lovers or myself, and I can embrace my understanding that every moment is a choice between fear and love.

 

I choose the latter every time. It's just a ride. Just remember, if you're seeking something, then it's probably hiding. If you're seeking instant gratification, well... It reminds me of this story I wrote about (and if this is an Alan Watts story, then full credit to him - I listen to a lot of philosophy lectures, and blog about them, so the lines become blurred). 

 

But, let's delve deeper and talk about the definition of this concept, "Instant gratification..."

 

So...

 

A Zen master sits under a beautiful flowering tree. He can see the flowers, and they are exquisite. They are waiting to be touched, and plucked. They are perfect; dripping lightly in the morning dew and soaking in the sun. The Zen master sees them, but doesn't move. He knows that if he stretches his arms out, he might not be able to reach the flowers, and they may not be as soft as they look. If he allowed it, such shortcomings in his stature and the flower might manifest an emotion of disappointment in him. He knows that if he could reach and pluck a flower, it might be the wrong one, or it may have been grasped too early; all coarse petals, greedy for water, and riddled with thorns.

 

A Zen master knows that he knows nothing, thus he exists in a state of instant gratification because he knows that gratification is simply a presence of mind that he can always choose to experience.

 

So, knowing patience, the Zen master closes his eyes and breathes. He lets go of the desire to let go of desire. He meditates. At the end of the day, when he opens his eyes and looks down at his lap, the most perfect flower he could have chosen has fallen into it. He gathers it gently in his hands, stands up, and walks away from the tree. So, in every state of physical being, his mentality is one of ongoing instant gratification.

Edited November 5, 2016 by MisterJ

[Guest DavidAlan]

There seems to be a difference in "falling in love" and loving someone. To do the latter, it seems necessary to know them...

[Daddybears PLB]

Love love love this post!!!! You have put into words exactly how I was thinking!!

[Guest Saranki]

Ughhhh I'm super late in finding this post but such truth makes me so happy!!

[BladeRunner]

*Waves* So. I am going to play devil's advocate again. This time on something I feel passionately about. I just ask we all keep the peace and are able to have a mature discussion. Thanks everyone.

 

Here lately I have found myself talking to people, one on one, about the plague that has swept through generations. The one named Instant Gratification. We all know that need, the desire to get what we want and get it NOW. To put forth little effort and have things just fall into place. We are all guilty of it, at least sometimes, and we will always be guilty of it in some aspects. This is seen especially true when it comes to things like electronics and personal gains. In this day and age we are able to get so much instantly that we are conditioning ourselves into thinking this is the norm. Well. Let me make one thing clear. 

 

Instant gratification in relationships will always lead to failure.

 

Wait... Just once more... 

 

Instant gratification in relationships will always lead to failure.

 

I will use this forum as an example, but know this whole post can easily be applied to any other means of relationships. 

 

I have seen a behavior here of people (and I will never name names) joining the site, or starts becoming active, or expresses their needs to just get what they seek and want it all to happen within that moment. To narrow the scope, lets turn just to the personals and chat. All too much a person will become increasingly impatient when their add does not get the responses they desire, or the attention they want in chat. And, from a third person perspective, this is so mentally damaging of a mindset.

 

When people seek instant relationships, nine times out of ten they will fail. And if they don't fail, it will not be an ideal situation. These people who want their CG or their little NOW are those who are not educated enough in this dynamic. Let me explain:

 

I am not saying those who are ready for a relationship are uneducated. It is the people who just expect to get a CG or a little simply because they are here or they want attention or that they are apart of the community AND they don't want to take time in getting to know anyone. These people are the ones who need to step back and start doing more research. These people are going to be the ones who are continually hurt or who will hurt (unintentionally) others because of their lack of understanding of social dynamics. You cannot expect instant gratification with relationships because it is harmful for those involved. This is psychological fact.

 

But what I have noticed as an issue in this community are those who are expecting a relationship to just *happen* without even making an attempt at... anything. To me (as MY OPINION) these people are no where near ready to even be in a relationship. If you are not willing to be a part of a community (using this forum as an example) and get to know anyone, then that speaks to how much effort you are willing to put into a significant other. If you just expect someone to come to you and fulfill your needs, again, that just shows how lazy you are in relationships. And that is not something anyone needs.

 

Moving away from my opinion - Psychology shows us that to form any kind of connection a basis of understanding and mutual knowledge is needed of one another. And this cannot be done in mere hours or days. A person does not experience the spectrum of emotions and triggers needed to fully show the real You in days. Am I saying you need to know your possible CG or little 100% before forming a relationship? No, not at all. I am saying you need to know more than the basics, just like any relationship. What are their theologies, professional goals, academic goals, future living plans, family goals, what are their pet peeves, fears, passions, etc? How can you even begin to make an informed decision if you don't know anything about a person? What happens when you get caught up in finding your new "Daddy" and you two are together and then only find out that he never wants to have kids, he doesn't believe in God and he is racist? But wait... you "loved" him? Remember? Or what happens when you get with your new "little" and find out she never wants to work, expects a high lifestyle and has a track record?

 

Of course everyone has flaws and those can be worked on if you love someone - but you cannot love someone within hours because you don't even know that person. You know what they want you to know. There are exceptions of course - maybe you two talked for 10 hours a day for weeks. Or you form such a deep level of connection over a like passion that it drives the need to know more. But what I am saying is - you cannot expect this instant, serious, relationship after just meeting someone. You cannot expect to find your forever CG or Little the moment you post an add. You cannot expect to find a TRUE Daddy when you say in chat "I need a Daddy so badly" or vice versa (Daddy for a little). 

 

These things take time. And that is a good thing! We, society in general, need to learn to take time for those things that truly matter. We need to savor the process of getting to know someone, to learning those little details that drive us wild with wonder and amazement. 

 

We need to understand that instant gratification should be saved for fast food and Netflix, and not people and relationships.

 

I think that people in the past socialized more. We talk more and have access to technology but in the past we had villages, church, festivals, trades, meeting houses etc.

 

I think now people have this innate need to connect and especially now members of each sex don't get much recreational time together to get to know each other without pressure.

 

I believe this socialization led to more mature behavior.

 

Right now people compensate that lack of socialization with instant gratification. It is essentially skipping the natural organic steps, acquaintance friend date and then lover and going right to the last step.

 

I could be wrong but just my two cents.

 

 

People say they LOVE XYZ when in reality they are in love with the idea of being in love.

[chloelayne]

This is so well written. Even though this is opinion based, everyone finds truth in it. Instant gratification is good in certain aspects of our life. Other areas? Not so much. This is why people get addicted to drugs. Drugs are the instant gratification. People get addicted to the instant gratification of the rush. Just like relationships give rushes of excitement. Being called little one gives them that instant gratification and instead of getting it somewhere else, they crave it NOW. Instant gratification will be the downfall of everyone at some point. We just need to understand how to control it and manage it.