Mandatory LDR?

[Little Illy]

I suppose I should play Devil's advocate here, so please lets all remain the mature adults that we are. And PLEASE realize that this is all opinion and is in NO WAY condescending to any one belief of LDR or the other. And, disclaimer, this is more of a rant than an informative piece.

 

This forum seems to be the hot bed of starting long-distance relationships (LDRs) as it is to be expected. Any forum or site that specializes in a unique community allows for these bonds and relationships to form, so of course there will be all sorts of means of dealing with the distance. And, yes, LDRs certainly fulfill a severe need to bring like-minded people together. Its great. Its wonderful. Its social and caring. But... I am noticing a direct aversion for those who do not embrace the LDR way.

 

As wonderful as a LDR is, I do not believe that everyone is cut out for it. And there is really nothing wrong with that.

 

I personally do not like LDRs and I personally do not believe they can work for me. And here is why:

 

To me, LDR can be the biggest forms of imitation. I think it is actually much harder to get to know someone online than it is face to face. At least for me. I base 50% of what I know off of someone by how they react; their body language, facial expressions and so on. Even with video chat, facetime, phone calls and so one, I still do not believe you can read someone and truly know who they are without face-to-face interactions. I feel lost when I can't see the flick of an eyebrow, the tug of the lips, flare of the nose, twitch in the shoulders. I don't know what to do when I cannot take a person in as a whole. But I understand, not everyone has the inherent need to read people the way I do - that is my background and my OCD.

 

But...

 

What about the sincerity? I have trust issues, I think most of us do, and I know just how insincere people can be. Let alone on the internet. Being in a LDR can easily go from being in a relationship and instead, playing these roles. People seem perfect, they seem loving and caring and genuinely interested... until they aren't. And yes, that happens in real life. Of course I know this. But being in a LDR, it because horribly easy to put your faults and unfavorable opinions aside. AGAIN! Yes! This can happen in real life, but AGAIN... IT is SO much easier to do so online. I mean... How many articles are there warning people of Ghosting, Fading, Catfishing, and everything else?

 

I see time and time again where these things fall out because one side found out something that was hidden because of the internet. I am going to focus on the little side, just because I see more of that. How many times has a little come into chat, or posted on the forum, or have you seen elsewhere, say that they were no longer with their daddy/mommy? And how many times was it because he was "fake"? He didn't really want this, he wasn't really like that, so on and so forth. And of course there are fake littles to which Daddies and Mommies suffer the same thing. It is too easy to become either the best You or not even You at all. It is too easy to always put you best foot forward and never show real anger, real upset, real desperate, real struggling, etc. Why show that when it can just be baby girl and Daddy all the time? (Or any other form of CG/l).

 

I am the person who wants to see all side of her SO, and not just the good. That is how I get to know the real You. How I form a deeper connection and see who is on the inside and not just who is typing. I want to see how my SO responds to stress, to work, to classes, to slow internet and everything else. But most importantly I want to be able to spend time with my SO without technology. I want to hold hands, fiddle with hair, pounce on him for being a dork, throw a pillow in his face for being mean and all of the other little physical aspects of a relationship that you simply cannot get through a LDR. Not even sex, but just being with each other is such a visceral need that cannot be fulfilled in a LDR.

 

I've heard the rationale; "You need to start somewhere," "How else to you expect to get to know someone," "What about the limitations of distance," and so much more. Well. They are all valid points, and yes, I agree with you. Not partaking in LDR does, in fact, limit what a person can and cannot do. But so what? I fully believe that if there is something there, an effort will be made to bypass any LDR issue.

 

In my opinion a LDR is a distance that cannot be traveled. I think if there was something there, a couple would be willing to drive weekends, or a day or two or what have you. And even that would be preferable than to no prospects of visitation for years on end. I can already hear some of you - "Isn't that still a LDR? You all may go days or weeks without seeing each other."  And sure that may be true. But the reality of the situation is MUCH MORE manageable than being across the world.

 

I am not here saying this is the way to go. Actually, I am saying it is NOT the way to go. I wish I could create a relationship with someone in Europe of the UK or anywhere else. But instead I am confined to Ohio and surrounding states (depending on distance). But what I AM saying is this; maybe it is not such a bad mentality to have. Even though I hate that I cannot throw myself into a LDR, I would like to think it has saved me from multiple "fake" interactions. Or maybe that is simply me justifying it to myself.

 

I am just not a fan of some of the reactions I have gotten by being a non-fan. Even so far as being called heartless and "not a real little." I don't know where this stigma has come from, and frankly I think it is appalling. I do blame the technological progress to such mentality. You know, instant gratification and all - which seems to be a common denominator for negativity among relationships. So I am here to bash that accusation and deposition into the ground. Just because a person does not like LDR doesn't mean they love less, it does not mean they aren't "real" and it most certainly does not mean that they are any less devoted. They just prefer an interaction differently than you. And that is nothing to be criticized about.

 

 But again, maybe I am biased...

[Guest Prat]

It's a perfectly normal opinion to have, I'm sure that every person interested in a relationship who doesn't have anything to be afraid of or hide something would agree on the matter. On the other hand, this is a very small community and some are actually forced into ldrs.

I'm more interested in people outside of my area so an ldr works fine for me for instance, as long as we meet relatively soon and spend some time together.

And I think this is the main reason for ldrs, hope of meeting in real life.

[HannaLee]

I actually think I really needed to read this. Thank you, Bree. This helped further snap some sense into me that I've needed for weeks

[DollDirector]

I agree with you LittleBree. I fully respect those littles whose health is not good enough or who may have suffered situations that have made them wary.

 

But for me creating a relationship with the help of technology would ideally be noticing someone located not more than a couple hundred miles from me,who writes on their profile and on a forum,things that speak to me. We would then exchange private messages for a maximum of a couple of weeks before meeting for the first time in a public place. Only after this could I agree to phone calls,facetime or whatever,in between moments spent together in real life if we could not have enough of these.

 

Very old fashioned isn't it ? Indeed,I am not the youngest here,we shall say.

But we all have in our lives some persons who have helped or impressed us beyond what we could have imagined. Were these LDRs ?

Don't want to frighten anybody,but how long is it going to be before we can have the perfect relation with ... 

a robot ? Who will never forget what you like,will know all about you and you will like him or her more than anyone else ?

[Guest Prat]

I agree with you LittleBree. I fully respect those littles whose health is not good enough or who may have suffered situations that have made them wary.

 

But for me creating a relationship with the help of technology would ideally be noticing someone located not more than a couple hundred miles from me,who writes on their profile and on a forum,things that speak to me. We would then exchange private messages for a maximum of a couple of weeks before meeting for the first time in a public place. Only after this could I agree to phone calls,facetime or whatever,in between moments spent together in real life if we could not have enough of these.

 

Very old fashioned isn't it ? Indeed,I am not the youngest here,we shall say.

But we all have in our lives some persons who have helped or impressed us beyond what we could have imagined. Were these LDRs ?

Don't want to frighten anybody,but how long is it going to be before we can have the perfect relation with ... 

a robot ? Who will never forget what you like,will know all about you and you will like him or her more than anyone else ?

Excellent comment. Everything I thought of saying earlier while being too sleepy..

[Little Illy]

I agree with you LittleBree. I fully respect those littles whose health is not good enough or who may have suffered situations that have made them wary.

Not to be that person but, why does a person Heath have to be poor or they have suffered something for them to be wary? I did just wake up so maybe I'm reading more into it but... A perfectly healthy person, and one who has never been conned can easily dislike LDRs. ....I know this because I am one....

 

Regardless, I do agree with technology aiding in a relationship. I am not against utilizing technology at all. But as you mentioned, it should be an aid for in between. Not the sole basis of a relationship.

 

It's a perfectly normal opinion to have, I'm sure that every person interested in a relationship who doesn't have anything to be afraid of or hide something would agree on the matter. On the other hand, this is a very small community and some are actually forced into ldrs.

I suppose I should add in - I've seen this trait not just in this forum. It's a huge theme here because of the specialized community. But many of the sites I go to (ranging from school sites all the way to Fetlife), it seems to be the prevailing opinion; Distance doesn't matter, LDR fixes everything. But I definitely see where you are coming from in regards to expanding the horizons. I just don't agree with it for me, -personally-.

[Little Illy]

I actually think I really needed to read this. Thank you, Bree. This helped further snap some sense into me that I've needed for weeks

I'm not sure in what way this helped you, Hanna. But I'm glad it did for whatever reason. I love the fact that you're so open minded and are expanding your knowledge base so much. I think it's what every little (myself included!) should strive for.

[DollDirector]

Since you are waking up: Good Morning LittleBree ! I was having a thought for those who for example spend an above-average amount of time in little space because it quite legitimately helps them cope with things like,for example social phobia; For them prolonged LDR can help and it is great to be able to find their s.o. 

To say a little word about myself: I will never promise anyone I could be such a LDR s.o. to them because I know I am not able.

[Little Illy]

Since you are waking up: Good Morning LittleBree ! I was having a thought for those who for example spend an above-average amount of time in little space because it quite legitimately helps them cope with things like,for example social phobia; For them prolonged LDR can help and it is great to be able to find their s.o. 

To say a little word about myself: I will never promise anyone I could be such a LDR s.o. to them because I know I am not able.

*waves* Good morning!

 

And ah, that makes perfect sense. I did not mean to offend in any way, I was just poking at the wordage, as is my nature.

 

But I also, obviously, understand not being able to promise a LDR based dynamic. I would feel too much like I'm dating back a computer screen rather than a person.

[DollDirector]

Yes. This site attracts people from various parts of the world because they don't have an equivalent site in their language; So we are going to have to work at (work ?! what a horrible concept lol) being careful they might mean something different from what they appear at first sight to be saying using the wrong word without realizing it.

[Johnny Hammersticks]

I love my LDR. Going on our one year anniversery in a couple weeks. Theres been lots of presents sent, lots of bandwidth used up on skype, and despite being 8-900 miles apart,we are glued at the hip to each other (figuratively, of course).

 

Different strokes for different folks, but LDR can be quite rewarding and fulfilling when both people are connected and committed.

[Guest ♥️ ashcake ♥️]

I could not agree with you more LittleBree. LDRs don't work for me either. 

Edited September 8, 2016 by ♥️ ashcake ♥️

[Antoinette]

LDRs are definitely not for everyone. I don't know what it is, or why though but I can't stop falling for American men and I'm British (maybe it's a cultural thing? I have no idea). I plan on moving to America when I have the money and have finished my education and my current partner lives in California. He plans on coming out here for a week in January and I for two in April. It's not easy, it's not preferable but we love each other. Trust is something that you need in the relationship, sometimes it's hard but trust is emphasized and tested more in LDRs than any other kind of relationship. Everybody has preferences and I think it's important to realise this, whether the person prefers strictly close distance relationships or doesn't mind, if people prefer different races or different genders, interested in different kinks.

 

I think though, that while all of this is true, a lot of the people in LDRs often get told that they're not in real relationships, that they don't really love each other because they can't physically see each other face to face. I love my partner more than anything in the world and I had never experienced love until I'd spend my entire day and night talking to him about every little detail of what we liked and didn't, laughing and smiling, feeling the warmth of each other's energy when we couldn't physically feel their body heat, and repeating this every day. A connection so strong it felt like he was right here. It hurts, it's hard and it will be until we can live together, but when you love someone you make those sacrifices. Never have I ever felt more of a connection with someone than I have with him... I suppose, what I'm trying to say is - don't exclude things, have your preferences but you never know if the best thing to ever happen to you could be on some silly website. (Or xbox in my case). 

 

Not wanting LDRs isn't a bad thing, and neither is being in one. This post is very nicely written and necessary, well done [: 

[TheProfessor]

Clearly, it depends on the people and the relationship.

 

I'm in the early stages of a poly evolution in my long-term marriage, and I have an LDR partner who is in a limited committed poly relationship.  Just the sheer time available for each other among all these players makes the LDR perfectly workable for us.  I'm in NYC, she's in Florida, it's a 2 hour plane ride away and we see each other practically once a month. 

 

I can see where there would be more strain if it's an exclusive binary relationship between SOs who found each other on the internet and really have no way of seeing each other.

 

I must also state that with limited time, it was easier and more efficient for me to find people online simply because the communities exist where like minded folks can find each other.  When I was much younger, we had the telephone and social gatherings.  So, the ability to find people with a larger crossover of interests with yours was severely limited.

 

I think LDRs are critical for some people who have no other way of finding anyone, else they go mad.  But a different madness sometimes comes from the confusion of projecting what they want or fantasize onto the glowing rectangle in front of them and forgetting that it's a real human person.  My thoughts on an LDR is that it needs to have some kind of real-meet-up component or goal to it, otherwise it can become a distracting immersive game-like experience.

 

Again, just my opinion.

[Guest Littlepup]

Hmm 

 

I never wanted a LDR, and neither did my bf.

But we knew each other for years online as friends and after I broke up with my ex, we started a LDR, we hated the LDR but we loved each other... therefore we moved in together after 4 months. 

 

Many many relationships start online now, but it is not for everyone and some are like me, we happen to be far away so we changed that, now we are together. Some are like my friends who dated online for years before moving in together.

and I would never judge someone for not wanting a LDR or an online relationship because I don't like them either.. But I would say you could still get to know people online, and what ever happens will happen. If there's one thing I've learned in life so far, it's that things never go as planned. So you just have to be ready for anything and be open to things but still be careful that you don't fall for something that's just in your imagination. 

[HeCallsMePrincess]

i can see LDRs working for a lot of people in the beginning, but for me it would have to end in living near by or with the other person. I'm also very physically needy so Skype and texting wouldn't work for me.