Demisexuals in the Lifestyle

[Little Illy]

*waves* Hello everyone, so I have received a few messages from people with the interest of me explaining this particular topic. So I figured I would just write up an all inclusive post explaining it from A to Z. So I apologize but this will be a long one, ladies and gentlemen. So grab some snacks and enjoy. *Puts out tea and cookies*

 

 

 

Demisexuals (Demis) - Demisexuals are those individuals who need this intrinsic connection (from here on out it will be referenced as The Feeling) before they can start any type of relationship. The Feeling is the sole catalyst for any relationship for a Demi, sexual or otherwise.

 

The Feeling - The Feeling is not what you experience when you have a crush. Nor when a typical relationship starts. It is not what you feel when you see an attractive potential partner across the bar. The Feeling is when there is this almost visceral spark ignited between two people. And it has to be two ways. What feeds this element is that is the mutual growth between these two people. And it has absolutely nothing to do with physical attraction. Not at first. The Feeling is based on who the person is. It as deep as one can get. Most marriages cannot even see this spark.

 

What Demi Does Not Mean:

Excuse for Sex - Too many people use this title as a way to justify their actions. I have heard those who have claimed to be Demi say things like "I just saw this spark, so I wanted to be intimate," or "we got to know each other on a deeper level by having sex." And though that is all well and good, it isn't true. Not when you see that "spark" in every attractive woman at your gym. Or that "deeper level" is him trying a new position. Those who are truly Demi do not have many sexual partners. And if they do it is because they have been with those partners for a significant amount of time.

 

Friends with Benefits - Another claim to fame for those fake Demis is the fact that they are so comfortable with their FWB that they try to attribute it to The Feeling. This is inherently wrong in every way. A Demi, typically, can not have a FWB. Why? Because a FWB is too casual a relationship and is focused centrally on the sex. Demis need more than just sex. They need a foundation built in familiarity and solidarity. FWB simply do not have that.

 

Typical Falling For a Friend - We have all been there. You've develop feelings for your buddy and now want to see if you can take it to the next level. But wait! Friendzoned! Sure it will hurt, you will feel rejected, but then you either eat some ice cream of go down a beer and within a couple of weeks you will move on. That cannot happen with a Demi. Let me rephrase - the "moving on" is much more in depth than this. Described above is your typical crush scenario. But a Demi does not develop typical crushes, though it will start out the same. The friends Demis fall for are their best friends, those who they are so close to people mistake them for siblings (or already together). And if a Demi is rejected, weeks wont even touch what they feel. The Feeling is much stronger than what most people have in a typical "serious" relationship today. So being rejected from it, can be (and most of the time is) devastating. That is why Demis love hard but with few and far in between.

 

Lack of a Sex Drive - Let me make this clear; Demisexuals are sexual beings just like everyone else! One more time for those who didn't hear me the first time around; Demisexuals are sexual beings just like everyone else! There is a myth that because Demis do not engage in casual sex that they have no sex drive. I am here to not only destroy that myth, but to obliterate it with ever ounce of my own personal drive. Demis can be anywhere from asexual to raging nymphomaniac. Neither end of the spectrum attributes to ANY element of Demi. What DOES attribute to a Demi is how the react to their sex drive. To use my own self, since I am the only example I have, let me put it this way (and lets remain adults here, ladies and gentlemen); I am a highly, highly sex driven individual. I do go as far as claiming myself as a nympho at least in part. However. Because I am Demi, I will not have sex with anyone outside of a relationship. My drive and my urges are still very much alive and eating away at me, but the thought of meaningless sex is such a put off that not even my drive can over come it. And THAT is why most Demis are accused of being asexual. To put it crudely; we can keep it in our panties no matter how wet (or tight, for the fellas) they may be.

 

Now that we are clear on what doesn't make a Demisexual, lets venture down the path to;

 

What Demi Does Mean:

Being Lonely - I will not lie to anyone here. Being a Demi is an incredibly lonely life. Why? Because we cannot be with just anyone. The "vetting" process for a potential partner is incredibly lengthy and detailed. Demis will go without a partner for years because they only seek those who spark The Feeling. And because The Feeling can be rooted in any aspect of a person's life, this means the standard partner just wont cut it. For instance, The Feeling can be a connection through passion, profession, a craft, a theology, a science, a mutual hatred (as in they hate promiscuity or obnoxious politicians, etc), politics, education, and so on. Being able to find a partner that sparks The Feeling in a majority of the categories is neigh impossible. So. The Demi will sit, let the world pass them by, until they see it flare up in a potential partner. And that may take quite some time.

 

Being Hurt Worse Than Most - IF the Demi is lucky to find a suitable partner for their needs, the risk of losing said partner is much greater. Think of the worst heartache you ever had. You can't breath, your chest is constantly wrapped in metal bands, there is not a coherent thought in your head, half of you is wiped out of your life, you doubt your very existence... That is what it is like for every break up for a Demi. That is your worst heartache and that is the average for a Demi. Am I saying non-Demis cannot feel as deeply or be hurt as badly? Hell no! What I am saying is Demis give there all every single time they are with someone. Not just the one person who lasted. This is why the Demis cannot hop from relationship to relationship (asides from needing The Feeling). Because it is mentally exhausting and can hurt them in a very real way. Even if it was "just a fling." Non-Demis can have those, flings, and one-night stands and FWB and so on and so forth. But a Demi would be destroyed, at least in part, after a one-night stand or a time having a FWB.

 

I will put myself out there and be honest for sake of educating some. As a Demi I have had one "fling" and a sing one-night stand. Now I know what you all are thinking; "Whoa Bree, hold up. You said Demis cant have those!" And you are right. We can't. After my fling, I reached a very low part of my life. I felt like I had executed a part of myself and violently harmed my own being. Why? Because I knew it meant nothing more than sex. So why did I do it? Simple, pressure. The pressure for a Demi to give in is immense and something I hope none of you ever experience. Not to mention I was young and an idiot and told myself it wouldn't be nearly as bad as what I thought. But it was worse. For those non-Demis; you have had that "one regret" (sexually) that no matter how much you move on from, you still get a bitter taste in your mouth when you remember? That "bitter taste" for you is "why am I even still alive" for me. It is that serious. Because I had a sexual relationship without The Feeling. The one-night stand was a drunken mistake and I missed approximately two weeks of class and two weeks of work from. It had made me physically ill thinking about doing what I had done.

 

Do all Demis live in this extreme? No, not all. Like everything there is a spectrum. I just happen to be a radical. But the premise is still the same; meaningless sex is never doable for a Demi. Not without some self destruction along the way.

 

BUT! To counter all of that negativity! Demis do have their own special brand of "flings." A Demi fling is similar to others except The Feeling is still there. To put it as simply as I can; a fling is almost like agreeing to keep it casual with a potential wife or husband. There are copious amounts of feelings there, but you all are mutually exclusive and casual. I did share one of these, and it was wonderful. The Feeling was there and he and I were not in place to progress the relationship past its current point so we had a "fling." I can hear you asking; "So? How is that different than any other fling?" Easy. Think of any and every fling you ever had. Did you, at the time that it was just casual sex, know you could easily marry this person? Don't lie. A majority of you would say no. My fling? The answer was yes. I assumed the risk, had my Demi-fling and when it ended it hurt. But it was still a phenomenal experience because The Feeling was there.

 

This is why it is important to know that The Feeling can happen at any moment after people start to get to know each other. It can happen, but it rarely happens within the first few weeks.

 

Getting to Really Know Someone - Because Demis cannot commit without The Feeling, this allows the Demi to truly get to know who he or she is talking to. The Feeling will prompt a whole new level of intimacy that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is hard to do in today's excuse of a "Dating Scene." Today doesn't really allow people to get to know one another as much as a Demi is required to. So. Being a Demi means truly understanding the person before them. You know who they are mind, body and soul, at least in a few key elements of their life. And that is when the two think its appropriate to start a relationship. When you move on and continue down that commitment, no one will ever know you more than a Demi. No one will ever want to know you more than your Demi. Because that is who are; we have to know our partners. Or it will never work. And it creates a truly beautiful and magnificent bond.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news (maybe, most likely none will care), but those Caregivers and those Littles that you see hoping from one relationship to another (the same can be said within the BDSM and Vanilla world, but this is the DDlg forum so lets keep it on that) are not Demis. For this post, lets call them the Hoppers. And I hate to say this, and I am sorry if I offend anyone (because that is not my intentions), but those Hoppers are people Demi's cannot really be around for a prolonged amount of time. Why? Because 1) We will never understand you. We cannot comprehend jumping head first into a relationship without any prior knowledge. 2) We (most of us) see you all as the reason why the "dating scene" has become such a down slide as it is. It is promoting this instant gratification drive that is fruitless, yet addictive to so many. And no matter how many failed attempts, the Hoppers will continue to do it because they need to be with someone to feel fulfilled. Even if it is a bad someone. And 3) There is some bitterness to seeing the Hoppers. Most Demis wished they could, just once, be a Hopper. Wish that they didn't need The Feeling and could have a fun, casual relationship just because. It would be freeing (at least once or twice) but it is something we simply cannot have.

 

But. No matter how bitter we may feel at any moment, Demis know that ultimately, the wait is worth it. Because once we find that person that sparks The Feeling in every way? It is nothing short of a miracle. 

 

 

Alright. So this is the Demisexual in a brief (yes, brief) explanation. So what does this mean for the Demi in the DDlg community? 'Well, it means that the Demis will be a Forever CG or a Forever Little.

 

The following is purely my opinion coming from my standpoint as a Demi actually taking part of the DDlg world:

 

I truly believe that and CGs and Littles, who are Demis, are those who reap the greatest pleasure out of this lifestyle. I look at the CG/lg dynamic as the most intimate dynamic within the "kink" world. Why? Because where as most (again - most, not all) other dynamics base their roots in sex, the CG/lg base their roots in care and affection. Both sexual and non. This dynamic is one that revolves around the care and love a CG gives to the little AND vice versa. Because yes, littles must care for their CGs, just in different ways, for the dynamic to work. And to be able to successfully engage in this dynamic, you must know every element of your partner that is possible. This is not the dynamic for those who don't take the time to listen and learn. Sure it may be fun to call him Daddy and yes, it may be satisfying by caring for her. But it wont last. Not unless you form a deep bond out of mutual knowledge and understanding.

 

And for those who actually took time to read the above, that sounds kind of familiar. Right?

 

It is also worth noting that most Demis are super friendly. Why? Because their entire mindset is to meet knew friends and grow platonic friendships and otherwise. But a lot of times Demis are mistaken for large flirts because of their social deposition. So just as a kind of shout out for the Demis (hey, I am slightly biased...) don't assume they are being friendly to you because they want you as a CG or a Little. They are honestly, THAT FRIENDLY. ...I digress.

 

So why does this sound familiar to what I explained earlier? Because of all of this, ALL OF IT, a Demi is that CG or little that remains single for almost the entire duration of you knowing them, They are the ones who is friends with all, close with some but romantically involved with either one or none. They are not the ones who are in chat complaining that they "need a CG/little" because they are too busy either getting to know those in chat or they realize the kind of attention doing so will bring. And more times than not it is combination of both. Sure the Demi yearns to find their partner just like everyone else, but they also know that it takes considerably more time to do so. Which, most CGs and Littles are not willing to put that time in for the Demi to get to know them. And that is fine.

 

Using this site as an example (Without ever naming ANY names) - I can say I have been personally approached by a handful of Daddies who want to claim me as their littles (and actually a few littles who want me as their Mommy). But it is always the same. This site feeds off of instant gratification and these, lets call them suitors out of respect for them, these suitors want to see progress within days. And more times than not, hours. Why? Because that is what is the majority in this community.. And there isn't ANYTHING wrong with that!! NOT AT ALL. But, it is just not something a Demi could ever partake in.

 

Now, I am saying that a non-Demi can't be particular with whom they form a relationship with. Please understand, I am FULLY aware that they can!! I am simply stating why a Demi cannot be a CG or a Little within hours or days (or weeks or months...) of meeting someone. Because that is just not the Demi way. But of course, there are plenty of non-Demis out there who are specific, who have high standards (rightly so!) and do not engage in meaningless sex. I am not saying only Demis are people who act this way. Please, understand I know this.

 

I guess the main thing I am trying to say is this; Being a Demi is incredibly hard. It is a lot of work and a lot of disappointment. But. In the long run, for the Demi, it is the most fulfilling wait they will ever experience.

 

 

 

 

 

Authors Note: I did not go back and edit this so please excuse the typos. A majority of this information has been gathered over 5 years of research from various sites. And this was not a means to glorify Demis, but rather just describe them.

Edited September 3, 2016 by LittleBree

[zzz]

Thanks for making this post! As a questioning Demi/Grey-Ace myself I was really pleased to see this on the recent topics list when I logged in!

I haven't fully finished reading your post, but from the first 1/4 or so I just want to make one quick comment (I'll reply more in depth when I'm done reading) which is that above all any sexuality- demisexuality included- is ultimately in the eye of the beholder. There's no standard for being "not demi enough". If your sex drive is low or sporadic but you feel like you identify with demisexuality: go you! You're demi! If you experience friendships so deep and meaningful that you develop sexual attraction to these people in a demi way: good for you for having such deep and meaningful relationships! Are you poly and experience deep love and sexual attraction to multiple partners? Hooray!! Enjoy casual sex with strangers but feel like it's a different enough kind of experience that you still consider yourself Demi? Well hot damn, you're demi too!

I don't think there need to be hard limits that make you "demi" versus "not demi". Every person's sexuality is unique, and the labels we put on them are there merely to describe those sexualities to the best of our abilities. 

[zzz]

Ok so! As I read further it became clearer that you were not specifying what is and isn't demi to the extent that I thought. But I do want to comment again because it's interesting that our experiences are so vastly different! This is what I meant when I said that sexualities are so incredibly vast and intricate before.

 

In my experience* (to add on to yours), not sleeping with someone who I am not deeply in love with is actually not at all a choice. For me, in order to experience *any amount* of sexual attraction, that closeness must be present. I am actually only tangentially aware of what constitutes a "hot" or "sexy" person. Many times I've been hanging out with friends and suddenly the conversation goes to "omg look at that barista... isn't he so hot?" and, at this point in my life I'm definitely able to logically look at the person and determine, yes, this person is probably what a magazine would call hot. But, I really have never once in my life experienced even the slightest tinge of sexual attraction towards anyone based purely on their appearance, or even based on their mannerisms if I've only observed them from a distance.

That being said, wooing me is not always a long process, and I've actually barely spent a single day of my adult life single. That's because even though I cannot experience sexual attraction without an existing relationship between me and the other person (whether that relationship has been officially determined or has been left ambiguous, as long as there are strong feelings on both our parts), romantically speaking, I'm just a total slut. I fall hard and fast, on a couple of occasions falling pretty seriously in love on the very day or week that I began talking to someone! I've never really been a hopper, because as a result of my deep and sudden feelings I've ended up staying in them for many years, but I have very little trouble finding someone and falling in love almost immediately after my breakups.

I can't really comment on whether breakups destroy me or not, because both of my breakups were of my doing when I woke up and realized how deeply abusive they'd both been (in different ways at least, I mean, I guess at least I didn't make the same exact mistakes twice!). They were definitely hard breakups, but my feelings were much more related to guilt and fear than they were heartbreak. In general, I deal with loss very well. As soon as it's clear that someone is not interested in me, I tend to be able to let go very easily, no matter how close we'd been in the past. I'm not sure if that would translate into a breakup for me, but I think it's very likely!

On the topic of casual sex, again, we're very different! I've never had a one night stand or even a fling, but I feel like I could do meaningless sex in some circumstances and even enjoy it! That being said, I think I would enjoy it in a strange way that might not be entirely sexual. Without a prior relationship with the person, I would not have any sexual attraction to the person. I think that I might enjoy the degradation aspect of having sex with someone I'm not attracted to but only if it were in the context of some kind of BDSM scene.

 

Anyway, I feel like between the two of us we've covered the demi spectrum pretty well! I'd love it of others posted their experiences too, so that we could see what a diverse and eclectic group of people demisexuals can be!

 

_{*Disclaimer: I have not yet formally decided whether I identify more as demisexual or gray-ace. I'm still recovering from some sexual trauma both as a result of sexual abuse as well as growing up with pretty mixed or caustic messages about sex, as well as growing up as a chronically undersexed individual, so my sexuality is still very confusing to me! Thus far I've found that my sexual attraction, on top of requiring a relationship with the person in question, also requires levels of kink and powerplay in order to be activated (AKA my sexual attraction to my boyfriend lessened when we became vanilla for a while), which makes me feel more gray-ace, or maybe both demi and gray for now, but this also seems like something that might change as I become more comfortable with sex. Perhaps doing vanilla things in the context of kink can make that feel better down the line.}

[Guest Prat]

Very well explained and a great informational post

[Fighter-Wolf]

I relate to what ZZZ said.

 

At work, lots of times came "famous" girls and boys, and I'm always like "...????" I mean, I know they all find the girl hot, or the guy hot, but I can't really say they're attractive? Like... I don't know, I just don't feel attracted to them. But they must be since they're all drooling for them?

 

I've found people pretty? Yes, but was so very rarely, and not the point of saying "I want to have sex with this girl" (most of the times it's like "this feature is aesthetically pleasant and I would like to draw it" or something like that). That's just not how I work. I have to feel really connected to this person. That doesn't mean I don't have libido, I do have, but isn't as big as usually people say. I can go years without having sex with another person or being in a relationship, but once I fell for someone... Well, then it's completely different.

(I don't know even if I'm explaining it in a proper way, I'm falling asleep over my keyboard. lol)

[AngelPrincessGina]

I'm a demisexual little. I've never been able to feel sexual attraction to anyone I didn't love, and it's really hard for me to love anyone. Once I do, though, I fall so hard, and I'm ready and willing (if yanno what I mean) at any time.

[spaceprincess_]

I'm a demisexual little, though by the descriptions on here I probably come under the category of grey-ace as well. 

My relationship with my Daddy is super intense and has been from the beginning, we were close friends for around two years before it grew into more, and while we are both experienced in kink (him as a Dom and me as a switch) we both found ddlg with each other for the first time. We both very much intend on this being for the long haul, but if anything happened and we weren't together, I wouldn't stop being a little because that's something which is a very intrinsic part of myself, but I don't think I would or even could have another Daddy. He's it for me, and as far as littles go I'm it for him. We've been together for about a year and a half now, long distance for over a year of that, but if anything we're just getting closer the more we get to know each other and explore this kink together.

 

I very much agree on the falling HARD when we do fall for people, and ranging between being confused to being borderline repulsed by the idea of casual sex or intimacy with someone who you haven't had 'the Feeling' for. I'm polyamorous and that's one of the best things I've found as a demi, because it means that when I have multiple people who I have 'the Feeling' for, I don't have to choose, I can just enjoy the closeness with them all. Right now I'm seeing three people, my wonderful husband, my amazing girlfriend, and my perfect Daddy, and I've never been happier or more supported in my life. With all of them I'd been in a relationship with them for maybe a week or two before I knew that this was it, it was love and it was for keeps.

 

On the topic of sex drive, I also have a history of sexual abuse and consequently some problems with control and intimacy which hasn't had a positive affect on my sexuality. I can fluctuate month to month or even year to year between borderline nymphomania (with select people I'm in close relationships with) to almost complete asexuality. It's frustrating and has often left me feeling pressured or 'lacking', but my partners are really understanding and are holding space for me so I can work through my issues. I think that's one of the things I love most about littlespace and being in a cgl relationship, the focus on caregiving and nurturing is so comforting, and it gives you a safe space which strengthens your confidence when dealing with all the complicated things in the adult world and your adult self.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Thank you for writing this.  I have searched for descriptions online and thought this term fit me, but the way you described The Feeling is 1000% percent accurate.  It is an incredible relief to hear that there are others who feel exactly the same way that I do.

 

May I have your permission to email portions of this to my friends and family?  They have a very hard time understanding why I am single for years at a time.  I've never been able to explain it to them, but this post is perfect.

[Hastings]

This is a FANTASTIC description of what being Demi is like! Thank you for taking the time to write out this description! 

[Little Illy]

@Sachita - please by all means send it to anyone you need to. This isnt a private piece but rather, hopefully, an informative one. Im glad to see it helped in some small way!

[Little Illy]

@Hastings - thank you! It took me awhile, but I figured it would be worth the work since there is so few articles on Demis!

[Little Illy]

Bumpin cuz of recent questions

[Guest GiveMeMyTeddy]

Hi Little Illy,

 

I've considered myself to be demisexual for about... five years now. I'd been sexually active before recognizing that I'm demi. I relate to ZZZ in that I'm also a "total slut" when it comes to romance. I have bounced from partner to partner but not in that short of a time frame. Though it was enough to make one of my best friends hate me, because she always had to "pick up the pieces" after those horribly devastating breakups. We're no longer friends because I didn't take her last piece of advice: to stay single for at least a year. My relationships typically lasted about a year or so, before I'd become too clingy in their eyes, or find myself falling for someone else and questioning my love for the original person, and taking everyone's advice to end it so that I didn't further hurt them.. which was fair, because all of my previous relationships were monogamous. It wasn't until recently that I realized I could love two or more people at once... so now I've labelled myself as a polyamorous demisexual, not to mention I'm also bi hahaha. Edit: Maybe I'm pansexual, actually. I haven't met many non-cis people, but if I had The Feeling for someone who was non-cis... nothing would be stopping me, you know?

 

I want to say, too, that alongside you, Illy, I have made one mistake where I had sex with someone without The Feeling, or well, without The Complete Feeling. I had previously had The Feeling for him, and thought I did still, but we had grown apart before the night we had sex... ugh this is longer than I thought it would be. He was one of the people I was falling for outside of my then-relationship, so I pushed him away and denied all romantic thoughts of him... until after my then-boyfriend and I broke up. I knew him just as well as I always had, but The Feeling just wasn't there anymore. I no longer connected with him the way I felt I did originally, due to him actually being a Hopper, as you put it... he had sex just to have sex, with multiple partners, from one girl/boyfriend to the next within weeks, and the occasional fling in between those short-term relationships, as well. That repulsion and confusion of his Hopping is what led to me losing The Feeling for him. In retrospect, I really don't know why I had sex with him, or what I was thinking leading  up to it. It took me three years to forgive myself, and even then, when I'm asked "is there anything in life you regret," it's that. Despite that one of the philosophies I live by is that everything happens for a reason and you should never regret anything, because you can learn from it and grow as a person, at the very least. But it still hurts me. I just don't hate myself for it anymore.

 

The last comment I have is that I really appreciate your openness and honesty about all this. I've noticed that these traits are profoundly present on these forums, and that's amazing to me! It helps me reflect, on my own sexuality and on my self-perception in general. Thank you.

Edited April 20, 2018 by GiveMeMyTeddy