Toxic friendship or am I the toxic one?

[Fighter-Wolf]

I really don't know how to fix this or even if I'm able to fix it, so maybe listen to other's point of view will help me to know what to do, or if I have something to do about that topic.

 

My little is a really kind person, her emotions runs deep, but she's quite forgiving and always tries to understand people's motivation, specially if they're close to her. I love her to bits and I want her to be safe and happy.

 

When I first met her, I get to know to her best friend. They had some problem at that time, and the closer my little girl and I became, the more I was rejected by the best friend and -basically- told that I wasn't as important as her.

 

There lots of "subtle" mocks agaisnt me, for lots of stupid reasons, honestly, but some were about part of my essence and that bothered me. I tried to keep the party on peace, but I sometimes also hit back, and maybe wasn't the best, I know, but I was pretty much tired. And I was even more bothered by the fact that she also talked shit of her best friend whenever things weren't as she wanted them to.

 

Anyway... This went for two years, we apologized to the other and tried to get along for our mutual friend. But wasn't too long till the things began again, and I hadn't as much patient as at first I had. I can say I tried to get along with her with all I could, maybe not in a perfect way, but I tried really hard.

 

It's been four years now, and they had their fights at least every two months. Her best friend blocked her from social media, talked shit of both of us, and after she "calmed down", she unblocked her and they start talking again and living a happy life till she could get mad again.

 

I had to bear with her mistreatment (to both of us), her closeted mocks about me (being trans, specially), and say nothing even if I was called a "controlling, manipulator, son of a bitch", amongst others.

 

For me that was pretty clear it wasn't a healthy relatiionship, to this point, and being quite honest, I saw her hurt my little girl so many times, that I just can't stand her. I don't want her close to my little girl again because I have saw how the things always go, and can see another problem with more shit-talking very soon.

 

But my little girl cares about her and don't want to be on bad terms with her. She also tells me she doesn't have too many people to talk with, and she gets lonely.

 

That basically covered the situation we're in (we literally have no problems but this one).

 

Now, I do feel like I'm a "controlling, manipulator, son of a bitch" for being so opossed to the friend being close to my little girl. I know I have my reasons to don't want her close, since I always saw them being friends again just to end up hurting my baby again, and worse than the last time... But I can't help but feel like I'm still wrong.

 

At this point I just want her vanished, being completely honest, and I know that can't happen.

 

There's a way I can't get over that feeling, if I'm the one who's wrong?

There's something I can do if that relationship will do more harm than good to my Babybun?

Should I allow the friend to be able to hurt her again and do nothing about it?

[AngelLove]

The friend seems terrible and extremely toxic, you should try your best to steer your little away from them

[Guest]

I agree with Angel love.

 

It's clear that your little and her friend don't have a healthy friendship. Try your best to be supportive and move her away from that for her own good.

[zzz]

Well, from what you have said it doesn't sound like you've done much to provoke this person, so it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.

 

In terms of what the right thing to do, I think that depends entirely on your relationship. In some relationships, if the dom (daddy, etc) doesn't want their sub (little, babygirl, etc) seeing someone, it's done. Just like that. For no other reasons. And, that's a dynamic that exists. Personally I feel that even in 24/7 lifestyle relationships this isn't always the best idea, not only because it puts the sub in an extremely vulnerable position where they might easily be abused, but also because it puts a lot of stress and pressure on you as the dominant to make the correct decisions about who they can and can't hang out with, lest you fall into an abusive pattern yourself. It sounds like you feel pretty confidently that if you put your foot down on this, your little girl would do as you say, and that's a great feeling to have, isn't it? Knowing that regardless, even if it was hard or you fought about it a little, your little girl would ultimately put you and your relationship dynamics first. Relish that. And, I think the fact that you're so torn on the matter gives insight into why your little girl puts so much trust in you. You value that feeling and you value her, and you take those kinds of decisions very seriously. So, that all says really good things about both of you.

 

I think something to keep in mind here is that friends keep you healthy. Friends are not a nicety, friends are a necessity. They are non-optional. No matter what's going on with this friend, don't make your little learn this the hard way. If your little is afraid to ditch this friend because she feels like she has few friends, and she's afraid of being alone, then an integral part of the solution if you want her to stop being friends with this person is to encourage and help your little find new, less toxic friends.

Another option depending on your relationship might be to talk about it outside of roles. Make it clear that you're saying this as a friend, a boyfriend, a significant other, or any other non-daddy role you take towards her, and explain to her what you've observed with this friend over the years, and how you think this has negatively impacted her. Then ask her to explain why she wants to stay friends with this person. It's totally possible that the drama this friend creates just doesn't phase her, or that the good times of the friendship outweighs the bad for her, and if that's the case, then that's totally fine. A third solution would be not to put your foot down on the entire relationship, but ask your little to confront this friend about the rude remarks towards you (especially the transphobic ones, because really? No one deserves that. :\) and about toning down the drama as a whole. Have her make it clear that the game she's been playing isn't ok, and that if the friendship is going to last then she needs to be more mindful of how she's treating others.

[Mr. Walden]

people with personality disorders (specifically Borderline) can tend to project their insecurities in an accusatory fashion. Take that as you will. My personal opinion is that if at any point in the relationship you feel it may be toxic, strongly considering taking a break from the opposing party. Toxic relationships can (and do) cause serious mental health issues. Just be yourself and do not subjugate your personal wellbeing to the whims of another'story distress.

[Fighter-Wolf]

Thank you for your replies.

 

AngelLove & Kitteny Kitten: Thank you so much for your support.

 

ZZZ: Yes, I do believe friendship should be something that, okay, can have a bit of trouble maybe, now and then, but shouldn't make you feel like walking on eggshells. That's why I do want her to have other friends that could show her that. And I don't want the decision of being with her friend or staying away to be something /I/ decide for her, because I want her to realize when a friendship isn't going well and to put her well-being first. So, yeah, we have talked about this more than few times and I'm just waiting her to do something about it (good or bad). And also I'm trying to feel less upset about this friend even if hella difficult for me right now (like, seriously, I just can't help but get upset about it, but I don't want that to hurt my little one with it, so if you have some ideas on how to do it, I could really use that).

 

WaldenFound: I actually have thought of her possibly having BPD. When we were trying to get along some of the things she said made me think that maybe she could have it, also their "we fight but then I'll go back as if nothing happened". I tried to help her, to the point that my girlfriend mistaked it and thought I had feelings for her. lol But I just know sometimes things can be quite hard and sometimes the brain makes it all worse. But maybe I'm not suited to help her since she already has some grudges agaisnt me (and right now, even if I know she could be hurting, I don't think I have enough will to try help her).

Thank you for your comment, and I really hope everything gets solved in the best way possible.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Fighter-Wolf