Fake little? Lousy Daddy? Dishonesty and manipulation? What happened?

[Guest Prat]

Having just ended a relationship with a girl "who's little I've awoken" in which I've spent most of the time feeling used I feel the need to share my experiences that lead me to ending the relationship. Who knows, it might help someone out or I'll learn something from the feedback. I'll start by saying that this isn't one of those posts in which someone is letting off steam at the expense of the stressor, I care about her and ending the relationship was a very difficult decision. I aim this post to be purely educational, provide insight from my point of view and maybe be helpful to someone who's in a similar situation.

 

I'll start from the beggining. We met on a match and chat thing on an app called Kik. She had a picture of herself in a kitten onesie sitting in a tree and I though that was adorable. Since I was just looking for online fun stuff I had a more explicit picture. We matched and did some private stuff for a little while and then the said stuff started turning into online petplay roleplay stuff and then it lead to other stuff and after a couple of weeks she was calling me Daddy and I was calling her Kitten. At that time I was new and inexperienced but still a little bit more experienced than a complete stranger. That's the intro.

 

She's had a past filled with loss of loved ones, abandonment, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, traumas that have left her with issues such as PTSD, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder.. She wasn't in a good place. She was sickly, very afraid to show anyone her "pet" and "little" side, allowing her friends to use her and stuff like that. I became the first supportive person in her life when we met each other.. or at least that's what I though. By the time we established rules (which she frequently broke but I'll get to that later) and got her educated on petplay and DD/lg and esablished some sort of a dynamic, 2 months have past.

 

Things were still far from okay. As I said, she kept breaking rules and every time and I do mean every time I tried to implement any punishment, no matter how mild, she instanly went berserk (I'll leave out details) which always ended with me calming her down and performing aftercare and her apologising and excusing her actions on her past and we just forgot about the rule broken and disciplining instored, or at least she did but again after I attempted to bring the matter back up for discussion she'd keep apologising and excusing herself on the past. I understood that she's had a troubled past and I sympathised with her but I also understood that she couldn't keep excusing everything she does on something that has happened a long time ago, whether it be failing, not doing something well enough for her or someone elses liking, not doing something on time, her self image, her weight issues, practically everything. Where she saw an excuse I saw a potential for progress, a force that if harnessed could create a drive which couldn't be matched, I saw that she could use all that bottled up emotion for good and as her Daddy it was my priviledge and responsibility to guide her towards utilising that potential.

 

For the next 8 months I kept nudging and pushing buttons as gently as I could and I kept trying to find little holes in the huge walls she's built and every time I tried anything the result was the same, dead end. No matter how much we talked, compromised, discussed, agreed on stuff, disagreed on stuff, we were still exactly where we started out. She was still breaking rules, even simple ones like: "Let Daddy know where you are or where you're going every 2 hours so he doesn't get worried.". She'd say good morning Daddy and then 7 hours later: "Daddy, I'm back, I need nappies now". Then I ask her: "Baby, where did you go even?" to which she doesn't reply cause she's taking a nap. Then she'd message me in the evening with a picture of her dinner and description of her dinner and asking me if Daddy is proud of his little girl cause she's eating a healthy dinner, to which I said I was very proud of her choice of dinner and asked yet again what she did the entire day besides come back from somewhere and take a nap. Her reply was a generic: I'm sorry Daddy, I'm so busy with classes and "insert thing here". Then we (for the 100th time) discussed about the rule she broke yet again and since by this time I've learned how to be strict towards her without triggering a meltdown, we talked about it and either compromised with her or I managed to implement a punishment which either went well or she cheated her way out of it and lied to me about it (which is breaking more rules).

 

She still wasn't getting support from anywhere but me and didn't wanna join the online community where she could find support cause she was scared someone would see her on it and she'd lose her friends and her mom would hate her and her family would abandon her and the hell would freeze over and what not.

She was still breaking rules a lot and avoiding punishment one way or another. She still viewed punishments as something horrific that no one should ever endure no matter how long I've been trying to help her understand that punishments are there for a reason and for her own sake and a good thing and she'd always agree at the end of that discussion but later simply forgot about it I guess and her views remained the same.

 

Anyway, yeah, 0 progress in 10 months but I was still determined to not quit on my little girl. And then her break ended and she went back to college which wasn't in her home country and that's when I quit.

 

I've gotten her a nice little leather cuffling that we agreed would be her collar since it's covert and can be worn anywhere. I only got it for her after I've made sure she's educated on what a collar represents and all the terms of consent bound to the collar and everything about what it means to wear someones collar and what it means to me that someone is collared by me and that I fully understand my responsibilities towards someone who wears my collar. It had to be covert cause she was very scared of anyone knowing she was in a D/s relationship and she'd always leave it on college grounds cause she was very very scared of her family and what they will think.

 

Anyway, after months of me trying my hardest to guide her out of the dark pit she's been in most of her life, after so many: "I'm sorry Daddy, I want to be a good girl for you, I want to make you happy, I know you care and you're worried and I'm just not good enough and I want to be good or my beautiful Daddy will leave me and...". After all that she, even though I reminded her before she returned to college grounds, she forgot to put the collar on. It's been sitting in her room and I don't say anything to her wondering if she'll notice that she doesn't have her collar on (again, I reminded her before she returned to the college grounds). And after a week I finally crack and point it out to her to which she replies: "Oh, I forgot about that thing, I'm sorry Daddy.".. That was the moment. I quit. I told her what I had to say, I told her I'll remain available for her as a guide, as a supportive friend, as a comfort zone but this D/s relationship was over and I can't be her Daddy anymore.

 

 

This is a very short summary from my point of view and I left out a lot of good moments and playtime and personal and special moments that kept me clinging to whatever I could grab but I feel that this summary describes my reasons for ending it.

 

 

It's still very recent and I'm still a little shocked from the experience but it's done. I'm not exactly sure what happened.

 

Was she a fake sub just using me as a free counselor? Was she giving me just enough to keep me interested and use me for play time and sexy pics? Was I unable to be a good Daddy to her?, do I just suck as a Daddy? Did she really like me and tried to adapt to my needs so I would stay with her but in the end couldn't cause she just doesn't have it inside her? Is she just in a situation where she is just not allowed to be a little? Does she want a Daddy only when it suits her?

 

These are all the questions that kept running through my mind at that moment.

 

Now, I don't regret the time I've spent with her, not even the least, we've had some good moments I'll treasure for a long time and we've had some difficult moments I'll be processing until I've learned as much as I can from. There isn't a single second from back there that I regret. I'm grateful for the experience I've gained from having to be so cautious with her while at the same time trying to perform as a Daddy.

 

What I've learned is that I'll never again try form a BDSM relationship from someone outside this forum or Fetlife, I won't ever again try bring out a little or pet or sub personality in someone. I get that some people need a nudge but I've been burned, I'll pass. My opinion is that if someone hasn't established at least a little bit about who they are within the BDSM world or if they've never tried but want to try because that's what someone else is looking for, I'll just assume them as a fake. I'll point them in the right direction, I'll make myself available as a guide but that is where our relationship ends as far as I'm considered. If said person is underaged I'll point them to the underaged community on instagram or wherever and be done right there. I'll not try pursue a relationship with anyone who I haven't been friends with for at least a month and who's already established who she wants to be or at least exploring on her own the world of "kink".

 

I've learned a little about when I should push and when I should nudge, when I should compromise. When I should punish, when I should comfort. How severe a punishment should be and shouldn't. I've learned to make sure that a punishment is meant to make a point, teach a lesson, help motivate us both (since I don't like punishing). I've learned that even a completely painless and effortless punishment can be very potent in a given situation and how even a small action can make someone feel butterflies. How being cold and calculating is sometimes in the littles best interest. How to recognise my own faults and short comings and how to act accordingly. My responsibilities to my little. How to reward good actions the best I can.

 

Most importantly I've learned that this post is actually looking very much like someone blowing off steam at the expense of the stressor and that I should do something about that so... Well what can I say, I've tried my best to make a good post but there's still emotions that took the best of me and it's from a personal point of view and I've focused to much on the bad stuff. I've no good excuse.

 

I hope that this post can help someone. Thank you for reading.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Praetorian

[Spooky]

This was wonderfully written and wonderfully insightful. This is what I have gotten out of the post and maybe it can help you and others.

 

I have a similar background as her, as far as the basics. Abuse in the past and mental illnesses. I spent a good four/ five years looking for quick fixes and blaming my past for all of my present mistakes and terrible decisions. Technically I was an adult for some of those years but I was still being child by not taking on my problems head first and dealing with them.

It can be hard for people with such a past to move forward, It takes a lot of work, patience and self motivation. It is unfair to rely to on someone else to guide you through your own problems. It is impossible to assume someone else can/should/will fix your problems. Others are a quick fix with an even quicker fall out.  

 

Kudos to you fro trying and kudos to you for backing out when you did, the way you did. Know that there is no way you can help her or change her. That is all on her. 

 

Know that you did your best. And your best is all you can do. Learn from your mistakes, leave your heart open for another. 

[Antoinette]

It's good that you broke away, not only for yourself but for her. She needs to understand that she can't keep doing things like that. I came from a background of sexual abuse and I suffer from Bipolar, I had a daddy (my first daddy) much like yourself who would implement rules that I would never stick to. I would blame everything on my past, on my Bipolar. I lied to him, but I did love him. I didn't love him in a selfless way though. I loved him because I needed him, because I didn't love myself. 

 

When he broke up with me for the last time (we had broken up multiple times and gotten back together, only for the whole thing to start up and crash again) I decided it was time I loved myself, time I took responsibility for myself. That's when my true Little could flourish, when I could be with a Daddy and obey him, and be happy. 

 

Since the guy and I broke up, he has asked me to be with him again but I have the strength now to say no. I know that being with him would be regressive, it would pull me back to a time where I wasn't stable. I would rely on him again. 

Thank you for this, I'm sure this will help a lot of CGs and Ls 

[Guest Coyote420]

Well I think the problem here wasn't the BDSM thing or DDLG ... In my opinion the biggest problem was the fact that she didn't realize how much some things meant to you. Like her telling you where she is going so you don't worry , or her putting on the collar ... I was in a simmular sittuation once. It wasn't bdsm, nor ddlg, nor long distance, but the girl just couldn't relate to my feelings , like how much some things mean to me. I tryied for a while , really tried cause I knew she loved me and all, but it was more trubble then it was worth in the end.

 

Anyway, that's my opinion on the subject. I'm sorry you had to go through this and I wish you the best in the future.

[Guest Prat]

Thank you for the kind replies.

 

It's good that you broke away, not only for yourself but for her. She needs to understand that she can't keep doing things like that.

I tried my best to state that to her so she'd understand.

[Guest Prat]

@Coyote420

 

After all the discussions we've had about it I'd be very surprised if she didn't realise what stuff like those you've mentioned meant to me.

[Guest Coyote420]

@Coyote420

 

After all the discussions we've had about it I'd be very surprised if she didn't realise what stuff like those you've mentioned meant to me.

Well you think I didn't have discussions like those with my ex? She was just the type of person that thought it was no big deal, and even tho I told her how important things like these were to me several times she just acted like usually. I put in effort, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore same as you.

[Guest Prat]

Yeah, she always acted like she understood though. Thanks for sharing btw.

[zzz]

hmm I hope this isn't too aggressive but honestly after reading your post it doesn't sound like she's really done much wrong. And honestly it sounds like you could have handled some things better, too.

 

ddlg and BDSM as a whole, while it is a nice play dynamic, it's still just that: play. The closest thing to an exception to that is full-on 24/7 lifestyle relationships, but even in those, when someone's uncomfortable or not happy with what's going on, you put it on pause and talk about it from an equal footing. And, frankly, if she was new to BDSM and you guys were still fresh in your relationship, going 24/7 isn't a really sane or rational decision to make in the first place.

 

Every relationship has rules, and that's fair. It's called boundaries. If she had been crossing your boundaries in any way, then you would have full reason to be upset. But rules like "text me every 2 hours" or "always wear your collar".... those are play rules. Sure, they might have a lot of emotional significance to you, but they're still just *play* and if you want to punish her for breaking those rules it should be *play* punishment. The distinction being, of course she has every right not to wear the collar, or to go places without telling you. As a human with free agency, she's allowed to do that and she shouldn't ever be made to feel *actually* bad for those sorts of things. If you punish those sorts of things, it should be something that you both are consenting to, that's enjoyable and fun play for both of you. If she was trying to wiggle out of punishments genuinely, then clearly that wasn't fun for her. Clearly it was bringing up some bad feelings for her. The solution isn't to talk about it until she agrees with you that punishments are necessary, the solution is to talk to her about why she doesn't want to be punished (AKA what about that play isn't fun for her) or re-evaluate if the rules are rules that she wants and can agree to genuinely, to re-work the terms of your relationship to be something that you guys have fun with, and don't have to fight over.

 

The thing that really struck me was the fact that you were upset with her for forgetting the collar for a while and just stewed in it, expecting her to raise to some unspoken occasion. I'm honestly reminded heavily of my abusive relationship from many years ago, when my ex would play such mind games with me and punish me for being "thoughtless" and forgetful. And I was rather forgetful. Forgetting about a collar like that is something I totally would have done back there. But, honestly, in hindsight my forgetfulness was a reaction to the situation I was in. I was being punished and yelled at for every little mistake that I made; this makes it really difficult to focus on things that to anyone else would have been obvious.

 

This girl was clearly having a hard time. I don't think what she needed was punishment and rules. She needed structure and a firm hand to guide her to professional help.

[Antoinette]

hmm I hope this isn't too aggressive but honestly after reading your post it doesn't sound like she's really done much wrong. And honestly it sounds like you could have handled some things better, too.

 

ddlg and BDSM as a whole, while it is a nice play dynamic, it's still just that: play. The closest thing to an exception to that is full-on 24/7 lifestyle relationships, but even in those, when someone's uncomfortable or not happy with what's going on, you put it on pause and talk about it from an equal footing. And, frankly, if she was new to BDSM and you guys were still fresh in your relationship, going 24/7 isn't a really sane or rational decision to make in the first place.

 

Every relationship has rules, and that's fair. It's called boundaries. If she had been crossing your boundaries in any way, then you would have full reason to be upset. But rules like "text me every 2 hours" or "always wear your collar".... those are play rules. Sure, they might have a lot of emotional significance to you, but they're still just *play* and if you want to punish her for breaking those rules it should be *play* punishment. The distinction being, of course she has every right not to wear the collar, or to go places without telling you. As a human with free agency, she's allowed to do that and she shouldn't ever be made to feel *actually* bad for those sorts of things. If you punish those sorts of things, it should be something that you both are consenting to, that's enjoyable and fun play for both of you. If she was trying to wiggle out of punishments genuinely, then clearly that wasn't fun for her. Clearly it was bringing up some bad feelings for her. The solution isn't to talk about it until she agrees with you that punishments are necessary, the solution is to talk to her about why she doesn't want to be punished (AKA what about that play isn't fun for her) or re-evaluate if the rules are rules that she wants and can agree to genuinely, to re-work the terms of your relationship to be something that you guys have fun with, and don't have to fight over.

 

The thing that really struck me was the fact that you were upset with her for forgetting the collar for a while and just stewed in it, expecting her to raise to some unspoken occasion. I'm honestly reminded heavily of my abusive relationship from many years ago, when my ex would play such mind games with me and punish me for being "thoughtless" and forgetful. And I was rather forgetful. Forgetting about a collar like that is something I totally would have done back there. But, honestly, in hindsight my forgetfulness was a reaction to the situation I was in. I was being punished and yelled at for every little mistake that I made; this makes it really difficult to focus on things that to anyone else would have been obvious.

 

This girl was clearly having a hard time. I don't think what she needed was punishment and rules. She needed structure and a firm hand to guide her to professional help.

 

 

I think your assessment of the situation, with all due respect, is a bit ignorant. He did say he made her research collaring and being collared is a very significant thing, so is being in a DDlg or D/s relationship for some people. I think what you have to realise is the amount of time he put into this relationship, the time he tried to use to embrace her little side and the time he spent trying to be a good daddy and he clearly developed feelings for her. The texting ''rule'' to me didn't seem like a play rule, it seemed like something he implemented because as she was someone who was mentally unstable he was worried. While I think there may well be wrongs on both sides I think the majority of this is her fault. 

 

Being someone who has been in a relationship that has almost mirrored this I can say that she may not have realised the damage she was causing but she did cause some damage. Neither one of these people were victims, I see this as a sad case of incapability and it is that - it's sad. It's neither one of their faults entirely but if it were to be it would be hers(imo), his rules, if they agreed to them at the time they were made, were reasonable and if the punishments were agreed on then they were also reasonable. 

 

The girl was having a hard time, but I don't think that's reason to dismiss that he was also having a hard time. 

Edited August 25, 2016 by xAntoinette

[Guest Prat]

DDlg isn't play to me, I'm a 24/7 kind of a guy and she knew that. I've never made wearing the collar a rule, it's a privilege. When she forgot to put it on and called it "that thing" it hurt me genuinely. I wasn't ever abusive to her, maybe even a bit too lenient. She has different collars for play and rest of the time. Edited August 25, 2016 by Praetorian

[Guest]

I believe you did the best thing for yourself and for the girl. Sometimes the only thing you can do to fix a situation is to leave it. You also can only deal with so much heart ache before enough is enough. It's not selfish to leave someone who does not respond to a helping hand

[TheGambler]

Some people can't be helped. And the worst thing is that just don't try or try but surrender in a day. Having a relationship with this kind of persons (i had one. 3 years) can be too much stress but if you love she/he you keep trying, and trying, and trying...until your head collapse. You did your best, and you can be proud.Thank you for sharing it. 

[Guest Zephy]

I just don't think you both were compatible and the best course of action was to end it.

I do believe she needed a different kind of approach considering what was going on with her. Not punishments, but more encouragement, communication and affection without any kind of pressure.

She was already overwhelmed and from what I read a lot of insecurities and lack of self-confidence.

 

In the end I believe things were too rushed getting into a ddlg relationship when she obviously wasn't ready to commit herself and only some aspects of ddlg appealed to her.

You did love her a lot, but she had conflicted feelings. She needed more time to fully understand what it meant to be collared for example.

I believe she only agreed with things because she wanted to please you which she shouldn't have and in turn it only felt like she was leading you on.

 

I wish you luck though finding someone that really can fill that gap in your life.

[Guest Prat]

I just don't think you both were compatible and the best course of action was to end it.

I do believe she needed a different kind of approach considering what was going on with her. Not punishments, but more encouragement, communication and affection without any kind of pressure.

She was already overwhelmed and from what I read a lot of insecurities and lack of self-confidence.

 

In the end I believe things were too rushed getting into a ddlg relationship when she obviously wasn't ready to commit herself and only some aspects of ddlg appealed to her.

You did love her a lot, but she had conflicted feelings. She needed more time to fully understand what it meant to be collared for example.

I believe she only agreed with things because she wanted to please you which she shouldn't have and in turn it only felt like she was leading you on.

 

I wish you luck though finding someone that really can fill that gap in your life.

 

Thank you all for your replies, I'm glad so many people can relate to the post and have something to say.

 

@Zephy Like I said, I compromised after a bit of time has passed, punishments became discussions. I assure you, there was no lack of encouragement and affection on my end. I did pressure her a little, maybe too much, but I felt I had the responsibility to do so.

[Guest TwinklingSpace]

There's two different things I want to comment on. First, I'll comment on your main (first post – the story about your little girl). And then I'll comment on something you said in the thread, second (one of your replies to someone). I am so SORRY for the long read... didn't mean to be so "winded"

 

 

There's a phrase that gets thrown around a lot in the counseling/helping others world. And that is: “Hurting people, hurt people.” And in my own personal experience, I've come to find this true. And this might have happened to you.

 

Like others who have made replies to this thread. I too had/have mental and emotional issues. In my late teens/early 20's, I was so MESSED up. The best way I can explain my head space, is manic. It literally felt like my thoughts were running and spinning. I couldn't grab a hold of a thought. And my head space was also a war zone. I was CONSTATLY battling the bad thoughts in my head. I tried my best to combat them with good thoughts or truths. But some day's I was just too weak to fight. And then throw family issues and school on top of all of that. I still don't know how I survived.

 

I did a LOT of stupid things and a LOT of harmful things to myself. I was hurting, in pain and completely LOST. I destroyed and ruined a lot of relationships because of my head space. I just couldn't concentrate and my thoughts were so distorted I couldn't keep a relationship of any kind.

 

And to make things worst, I was handling all of this on my own. After years of therapy and counseling I realized I suffered with depression from an early age. The thing was, I didn't know I was depressed. I thought my head space was normal and that everyone felt and dealt with the same things. So I didn't want to burden or bother anyone because if everyone else could do it on their own, I could too.

 

It wasn't till I accidentally over dosed on pain killers that I got help. Well, I was forced into help, lol. Which was the best thing for me. Everyone saw the OD as a suicide attempt (even though it wasn't. I had tried to kill myself times before, but this wasn't one of them) and I was mandated to psychiatric help.

 

I'd like to say that being forced into a psych ward/hospital once “cured” and “fixed” me. But it didn't, it wasn't till a suicide attempt that I realized my actions weren't only affecting myself but also others. By the way, I was forced three times into a psych ward/hospital.

 

I'm saying all of this to say: Until you, yourself, decide you can't handle all of your stuff on your own and that you need help. And then willing to get that help. You're going to be stuck in a vicious cycle of hurt, pain and destruction. And sadly, a lot of the time, the hurting person bring other people into that cycle.

 

To me it sounds like this girl, your little girl, is a hurting person. And she was/is doing everything she can to stay a float and keep moving forward.

 

You did what you could to help her. But you can't force her to accept your help. And you can't take the steps for her. She needs to make that decision/choice on her own. And it sounds like she's just not ready for that yet.

 

So, it sounds like, you made the right decision. You realized the relationship wasn't good for you/healthy and you ended it. You made the decision for yourself. For your own sanity. AND THAT'S OKAY. It's OKAY that you walked away. It's OKAY that you left her. It's OKAY.

 

I don't know if you struggle with that (your decision) or if you might struggle with that in the future. But it's okay to think of yourself and to be selfish to keep yourself safe (emotionally/mentally/physically).

 

That last suicide attempt, my dad (biological) and his girl friend walked in on me taking the pills. She thought fast and called for an ambulance while my dad yelled and screamed at me. A lot of people would think this wouldn't have helped, but it did. I was laying on my bed (cause the operator told her to have me lay on my side), staring at my dad who was in the doorway. And he said: “If she wants to die. Let her. LET HER DIE! LEAVE ME!”

 

Even now, thinking back to that night brings tears to my eyes.

 

His words saved my life. At that moment I realized I didn't want to leave my dad (my mom had died a few years earlier from cancer). I don't know if it was the anxiety his words caused or my body rejecting all the pills I had taken, but I crawled off the bed and into the bathroom where I threw up the majority of the pills.

 

After that, I actively started seeking help for my mental/emotional issues. And now years later, after tons and tons of hours of therapy, counseling, groups, books and lectures. I'm in a MUCH better place. My brain doesn't race anymore. I can actually process a thought. And I no longer want to end myself. Every now and then I get a “bad” thought, but I now have the strength, will and tools to fight against it.

 

I'm not sharing all of this to get pity or to say I'm awesome and amazing or to just have a reason to share my past. I'm sharing all of this for the same reason you started this thread.

 

To help others.

 

Maybe this will give you an insight into who your little girl is and give you hope that one day she'll get back on the right take.

 

And to encourage others, to never give up in finding your peace and joy. Bad things happened to you. And I'm sorry for that. But you DON'T HAVE TO OWN IT. It's NOT WHO YOU ARE. You can work through it and you can get better and one day it might be a faded dream that comes back and bites you every now and then. With less and less intensity.

 

 

And now, I said a lot more then I thought I would. lol. So I'll make my second comment short.

 

You said in a reply to someone that you let her know how much certain things meant to you. I'm assuming in hopes that she'd realize why you wanted her to do certain things and then do them. And yet she still didn't change her ways.

 

Now either, she's in a head space where she can't properly process what you're saying and make changes.

 

Or, she just doesn't care. And sadly, there's a lot of people in the world like that.

 

I was in a relationship with a dom where I CONSTANTLY told him I needed more communication. He'd only text me maybe three to five times a week. And it wasn't anything commutative. It was like: “Hi”, “I'm fine”, “I'm busy”, etc. And he didn't like talking over the phone, so we only did that once in a while. Yet, he had set up rules for me to contact him multiple times a day. Which I did. But it really upset me that I was talking to him, but he wouldn't talk back.

 

So sometimes, I wouldn't text him for a few days just so we could have an argument so I could actually talk to him. This went on for years, until just recently when I realized that that's not how a good dom acts.

 

It was actually reading and talking to people on this forum that made me realize he wasn't a good dom and that I deserved better.

 

Hopefully me sharing all of that will help you mend and move one from this situation.

 

 

Good luck.

 

Stay strong.

[Guest Prat]

Thank you for sharing, it means a lot.

[annemarie]

i see a lot of myself in this girl and i have three things to say

 

1. she wasn't treating you fairly. i think what twinklingspace said was true: hurting people, hurt people. doesn't make it okay, but it does explain her behavior. in my experience when people act like they just don't care it's because they're using all of their energy caring about certain other aspects of their life, they forgot to care about me.  it still fucking hurt and i still didn't deserve it (just like you don't), but it does explain why they treated me the way they did.
2. though it does not sound like she was really trying from what you've told us, it takes some people a long time to change and when you have an extensive history of abuse, betrayal, and abandonment like me and this girl have, it will take you a long time to work through a get over it. for all we both know, she could've been doing that behind the scenes, trying to better herself, but i think it's pretty clear that she shouldn't have been in a relationship at that time even if that is what she was doing.
3. being like this girl, i've had a lot of time to cultivate my interactions with people and learn what is and isn't okay when going into social interaction and how set up expectations as well as how to inform people if i'm going to be unable to handle a certain thing. my point here is that this girl doesn't sound like she was really thinking about anyone except herself and i think everyone goes through a phase like that in their life, the problem with hers is that it was hurting you and that was what made her actions okay. you can be a total mess and not hurt anyone in the process or hurt people a lot less. i know. i learned how. so could've this girl.

to sum up: this girl probably is/was going through a lot both inside and outside her own mind and she took it out on you in a way. that doesn't make it okay. it just explains why it happened. 

Edited August 26, 2016 by annemarie

[LoralieHaze]

First of all, group hug to everyone in this thread sharing their stories.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, Praetorian. From what you've told us, it seems like you did everything you could and put in as much effort as possible. I know I certainly don't have the strength or the patience to deal with something like this for as long as you did. I don't think you were a lousy daddy, it actually sounds like you were a great daddy.

 

Since we're only hearing the story from your perspective though, I can't rightly say if she's a fake little, a real little, or just a lonely person who had no idea what she was getting herself into. How old is she, by the way? Not only does she sound like she wasn't ready for a BDSM/DDlg relationship because of her own personal demons, but she sounds just not mature enough to handle it in general. Age doesn't always directly correlate to maturity but it can be a good indicator. It sounds to me like she has some growing up to do, in addition to getting professional help for her past and current issues.

 

The backstory here is very important because I think therein lies some possible mistakes. You said you were originally only looking for fun and I'm assuming she probably was too. Things obviously got serious for you, rather quickly and deeply, but they might not have gotten serious for her. She might have seen this all as just a roleplay thing, which brings up an incompatibility problem, like Zephy said. This is especially true if she wasn't into BDSM or DDlg before you started talking. Even if she did take it seriously and understood that it meant a lot to you, as zzz mentioned, getting into a 24/7 relationship with someone who has zero prior BDSM experience is really not a good idea, especially since you were just a newbie yourself at the time.

 

I'm glad that you don't regret it because while it was an extremely difficult situation, it was also a great learning experience and I can see that you've already grown so much from it, both as a daddy and as a person.That said, I would suggest you wait a generous amount of time for your wounds to heal before looking for another little. When you are ready though, I agree with your decision to only look here or on fetlife. I don't believe that strong, lasting connections can be made on Kik or Tinder.

[Johnny Hammersticks]

To the OP, this is such a heartfelt well written post. I suspect it helped alot to get that off you chest and have others be so supportive of you. I actually read your story to my little on skype last night because it was such a good post.

 

But, from a caregivers perspective, when meeting a new little that you may potentially want to be with, a good way to tell if your little is willing to follow rules, is this. Ask her to brush her teeth first thing every morning. And show proof, just toothpaste on a toothbrush will do. Even better if its a princess toothbrush. I just find that this is a silly playful thing that establishes care and real concern for your littles well being. Establishes gentle dominance, and on the littles part, shows a willingness to follow her caregivers direction.

[Guest Prat]

She didn't know she was a little when we first met. She didn't even know it was a thing, I noticed she had tendencies of a little so I introduced her to DDlg, she liked it.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Praetorian