Big little, need help

[Milkweed]

Hey, so apologies in advance, this is gonna be kinda long.

I'm a 37-year-old female.  I have always been heavy.  I would say my body and my hatred of it are kinda the defining features of my life.  There have been a couple of times when I have pushed myself really, really hard (both times over a guy) to get thin.  And when I say hard I mean like anorexic hard, to the point where it was unsustainable.  I got pretty thin both times but always ended up gaining the weight back and then some.  I am presently morbidly obese, 5'2" and 260 pounds.

Because of all this I have never really had a boyfriend.  My one real sexual relationship was a friends-with-benefits scenario where I was unrequitedly in love with him.  He used me pretty selfishly but I was still very grateful to be touched.

About a year ago I met a guy online who introduced me to the idea of DDLG.  I had always been aroused by ageplay but didn't realize there was a whole lifestyle around it.  He suggested we try having a long-distance DDLG relationship online, which we have done since.  I love it so much.  I am utterly fulfilled sexually and emotionally by roleplaying being small.  I feel safe and loved and cared for in a way I haven't since I was a child.  I love him dearly and he turns me on more than anyone I have ever met.  I have never had an orgasm with another person IRL, and he makes me feel it is possible.

But that's the problem.  He and I have never met, and I desperately want to visit him, but he likes tiny, skinny, super-cute petite girls.  As in, A-cup breasts, visible rib cage, thigh gap, carnation pink vagina.  And that is not me.  I mean I have no breasts or butt to speak of but have a huge gut and thighs -- I'm not even an hourglass kind of overweight, I'm like an apple.  When he sends porn it's always these perfect waifish girls, and the one time I sent him naked pics (at his request) he was polite but not enthusiastic.  He is encouraging me to lose weight in that nice way Daddy Doms do but I feel so much shame and self-loathing I find I don't want to eat anything at all.  He says I don't need to be physically perfect in order for us to meet but I feel like I need to be.  I don't think I can handle it if I'm rejected and friendzoned again.  I don't think I can handle showing up hoping to be little and vulnerable and then having to act big and tough which is my usual defensive position.

I guess I don't know what to do, I don't know if this relationship is bad for me because it's encouraging me to get fit (it's really motivating when you want to be with someone), or if I should just accept that I am not his type and try to find someone who won't mind that I'm fat.  I know I shouldn't lose weight for anyone but myself, but history proves I am willing to do just that; I don't know if it's part of being submissive or what.  I also really do love him and think he's a very special person and would be an amazing daddy dom to the right little.

Anyway thanks for reading all this, hope you are all having a good day.

[Petal]

...I'm not professional with love or anything.  But.  I don't think being fit to be someone's "type" is really the right thing to do.  He should like you despite your appearance, I think...

 

I know you don't feel like people can find you attractive, and that he might be the one chance you get, but it seems like his interests are a little too superficial either way.  And I promise you, someone is definitely going to find you attractive, if someone doesn't already.  Personalities meshing is literally half the battle.

 

Also.  I definitely prefer bigger girls.  So at least there are some of us out there.

 

And a lot of caregivers don't put stock in appearance like that.  It's about an emotional connection with their little - not the way they look.

 

I don't mean you should burn bridges.  I just mean, it doesn't sound super good for you emotionally.  Long term, anyway.

[Princess-P]

So here's the thing, preferences are fine. There's nothing wrong with liking a certain body type. Not everyone likes big girls, not everyone likes small girls. Oh well, no one is perfect.

 

So your Daddy says it doesn't matter, he's seen you naked and still wants to meet. It doesn't sound to me like he's turned off by you. I think that if you both feel the same way for the other it won't matter.

 

If it helps I'll give you a little personal story. My Daddy loves skinny girls. He's always dated women no bigger then say a size 2 and that's pushing it. I'm a size 20. We met 9 years ago. Were still in love. He loves everything about me from the way I look to my personality. Big me and little me. My fire and my sweetness.

 

If you want to lose weight that's awesome. Do it. Do it for you. If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin then do something that makes you happy. But do it in a healthy way.

 

But take this man at his word. If he's encouraging you to lose weight that's not bad. Maybe its because you have said you want to and he's encouraging you for you and not for himself. And sending you porn with skinny girls... Well hey it's porn. I like porn with real fit people too. They put on a better show lol. But in my real life I actually don't prefer that super fit body type. My Daddy is 40, beer belly, hairy chest, salt and pepper hair, and the sexiest man alive. To me. That's all that matters.

 

And for the record your not alone. There are a lot of plus sized littles. Love your self and make changes that you want for yourself.

[Guest babygurl87]

Hi, i have a big body figure too, well, i guess i am.

I know what it feels. Feel scared

But lets think if he encourage u n support u to lose weight means he care for you. Well, ofc we want someone accept us the way we are but I'm sure deep inside we want to be in those sexy and nice body too.

If he doesn't care of u or rejected u (lets say he is not a nice daddy/man) he probably just poof suddenly..

[DollDirector]

If one was reading too quickly, Petal and Princess-P would appear to be contradicting each other. My two cents: They are both right.

 

When younger I fell in love with a girl and I remember very well the first time I met her ! It was at a workplace and I thought to myself " she really looks stupid ".

 

But surely you know better than me that +size girls should try to establish if a guy actually likes. After all there are dedicated sites with personals to avoid misunderstanding. Are you both on one of these ? What's his content ?

[littlelili]

dear Milkweed,

I'm very happy that you have found someone that makes you feel those beautiful stuff you're describing. Treasure those feelings!!!

For the way you describe things I feel like he just want you to feel better. He is not pushing you to any non-healthy way of living. So he might be OK with you as you are right now.

You both want to meet and there is nothing wrong in wanting or not wanting to lose weight before that moment.

My one advice is to talk with him sincerely and ask him if he is ok with it. His answer might surprise you!  

Additionally don't think too much about porn or DDlg stuff you see on the internet or that he had sent you. Those things are full of petite, childish body like girls. And well... that is not an standard to be in a DDlg relationship. There is no standard actually!

He sounds like a good caregiver to me, maybe he is not focusing on the weight, maybe he just want you to have some healthy rules and that is good too!!

 

many many hugs x

[DollDirector]

Hey,any signs of life 10 days after the topic was launched ? How did it go ?

You know,lots of people hate themselves for various reasons for various amounts of time but not all the time.

Finding someone who likes you the way you are now,and at the same time likes helping you losing weight is not incompatible.

[Littlest_Lushie]

I definitely second and third what others have said. 

 

I would be careful. He seems like he may be coming from a good place with the whole weight loss thing- BUT, I think its important to note that bigger girls tend to have anxiety regarding things like how people view us. Is this maybe your anxiety is letting you read this for what you're afraid it is? or is this what hes really intending to say?

 

I would say talk to him about how youre feeling. How you do not feel good enough/or you are afraid you don't fit his ideal features. Gauge his feelings from how he reacts to that.

 

To quote your post: 

 

"I also really do love him and think he's a very special person and would be an amazing daddy dom to the right little."

 

By you saying this line, "to the right little," makes me think that you've already considered that you aren't the right little for him. And thats okay. I'am 5'1 and 280 lbs- my Daddy loves me more than anything in the entire world. You will find a Daddy that is good for you, I promise whether its this one or another one. It just takes a little searching and learning. It may seem like this is the last one- but it may or not be. There is hope. Good luck!