Relationship with no future?

[Guest PetitPrincess]

Hello there!

 

I know it's DDlg forum, but I need an advice and I don't have any friends (okay, just one but she's far far away and we meet 5 times a year).

 

It's about my relationship. Ive been with my partner for 5 years (we have anniversary on 19th Of August).

 

First 3 years were awesome... I had hopeless situation at my home (long story) I was really young and I needed someone to help me with all that mess... We were so in love, we just couldnt live without each other...

 

After 3 years we engaged! I couldnt wait for wedding (we planned to do it just after my 18th bday...)

 

Half year after this I got pregnant and we live together, we have awesome baby. And from that moment... BOOOM!

 

everything sucks. We cant even talk normal, we just fight... We dont have sex, we dont spend time together, when he has day off he plays computer game all fucking day... And drink beers...

 

I told him that I am a little.. That its cute for me and I guess its exactly what I feel like and if he didnt mind me to call him daddy.

 

WHOOP

 

'youre fucked up!'

'Youre not a fuking child!'

"Grow up finally!'

 

So I just passed. I wont be talking with him about it anymore...

 

Now I dont have any possibility to break up, I dont have enough money to live alone with my baby.

 

So here's my question:

How to deal with it? How not to fight with him?

Id love to fix it but I feel like he doesnt eve want to try make it better...

 

Laura

Edited August 1, 2016 by PetitPrincess

[littlebylittle]

I'm not sure I can really help, so just take my advice for what it is, an advice, and I may be wrong.

Anyway, it sounds as if there is not much communication left between you. I think you should confront him and not let go. He can't be satisfied by the situation and can't always divert himself into entertainment because the issue will stay. I think the first step is to trigger the willingness (his willingness) to change the situation. Maybe you can seek external professional help also such as couple therapy/counseling.

And call your best friend !!

I wish you good luck...

 

Twinsen

[Guest PetitPrincess]

Thanks for reply! Ehh Im afraid that he doesnt care and dont love me anymore

[littlebylittle]

Hi Laura,

He probably doesn't care as much as before, but things can change, the same way if became negative it can become more positive. I don't think he's very happy to fight with you all the time. He may just think there is no solution. You should try and try again, and not ascribe him feelings  (e.g. thinking that he doesn't care) - you can't really now what is running in his mind. You have to reestablish the communication. Maybe you both won't be madly in love again, but it can improve the situation. Also, there is a baby now, you both have to think about it, and it may help him to take action - he's a father and should live up to the expectations.

[Guest Coyote420]

Well this is quiet an bad sittuation, especially cause he seems not to care at all...

 

I suggest you try to fix it somehow anyway, try counceling or something, the abowe answers are much better then mine, I just wanted to try help anyway.

What worries me is that you met when you were 14, and I for example changed a lot from when i was 14 to now as a person. So you may have hust become different ppl with time and drifted away. Whatever happens, if you fix it or you seperate, make sure the baby has both parents in his life while growing up.

[Guest PetitPrincess]

Well, he always says, that I havent changed and Im still childish... I really wanna make it better cuz I love him so soo so much... I dont know why we have such a proble with communication. But I'll do my best to not break up.

 

And of course my baby would have mom and dad, I wouldnt ruin her childhood like my parents ruined mine

[Guest Coyote420]

What you need to do now is just sit down with him and tell him how you feel. U need to talk to him about how it makes u feel more then anything.

I'll be blunt here. I know you love him more then anything , and you really wanna work on the relationship (and you should) , but if after all the effort he still gives you the ''idgaf attitude'' you have to stop trying cause u will only suffer. Offcourse I trully hope it wont come to this, but I just get the feeling that, if it does, you wont have the strenght to break it off. 

 

I trully hope everything works out for the best and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

[HeCallsMePrincess]

I think this has nothing to do with DDlg at all. I've lived through most of this, before I found ddlg an I can say this about you being dependent on him. you were dependent on him to get out of your house, you had a child and are dependent on him for that, and you're a little which means you're emotionally dependent.

also, you said you don't have friends which means you probably just wait all day to unload on him.

im not saying it's okay for him to use unkind words or snap at you, but you have to understand that being a little and being completely dependent on someone else as if you were a child are not the same thing. you can work this out, but you would have to be willing to step out of little space for awhile. he needs to know you're a partner first.

 

there. that is my probably unpopular view, which I'm only giving you out of experience.

[HeCallsMePrincess]

and one more thing, you may be putting in effort in your own way. but he needs you to be an adult with him first and foremost. drawing him a picture and wearing a cute dress is not what he needs. he needs help. again, my own experience talking.

[Guest PetitPrincess]

I understand what you mean! But still the person who 'unload' is mostly him. When I say that I have a problem with something and I need his advice mostly he says 'really? This a problem? You're making a problem" and he doesnt even want to listen. He comes back home and he is tired (I understand cuz he works) but he is mad. Always! 'Hey sweetie is everything okay?' 'yup.' and thats all. ,"can we watch something together?' 'no its a waste of time' and he goes to play computer (this is most waste of time for him)...

 

I do everything at home, take care of our baby, always prepare him dinner (what he never eats cuz I TOLD YOU IM NOT HUNGRY GO SLEEP) and I try to study when she's asleep. I can be mom, housewife, he's fiance and lover but I cant be him for myself. Right?

Edited August 1, 2016 by PetitPrincess

[Guest Coyote420]

Wow, I didnt realize that things were so bad , but I've never been in that kind of sittuation so i cant give good advice. It's better for the ''HeCallsMePrincess'' to give you advice. It sounds like he really uses u as a means to went his frustrations, which is horrible ...

 

Tbh from the way you described it, it looks like you have 2 kids, not one...

[TallNerd]

Hello there!

 

I know it's DDlg forum, but I need an advice and I don't have any friends (okay, just one but she's far far away and we meet 5 times a year).

 

It's about my relationship. Ive been with my partner for 5 years (we have anniversary on 19th Of August).

 

First 3 years were awesome... I had hopeless situation at my home (long story) I was really young and I needed someone to help me with all that mess... We were so in love, we just couldnt live without each other...

 

After 3 years we engaged! I couldnt wait for wedding (we planned to do it just after my 18th bday...)

 

Half year after this I got pregnant and we live together, we have awesome baby. And from that moment... BOOOM!

 

everything sucks. We cant even talk normal, we just fight... We dont have sex, we dont spend time together, when he has day off he plays computer game all fucking day... And drink beers...

 

I told him that I am a little.. That its cute for me and I guess its exactly what I feel like and if he didnt mind me to call him daddy.

 

WHOOP

 

'youre fucked up!'

'Youre not a fuking child!'

"Grow up finally!'

 

So I just passed. I wont be talking with him about it anymore...

 

Now I dont have any possibility to break up, I dont have enough money to live alone with my baby.

 

So here's my question:

How to deal with it? How not to fight with him?

Id love to fix it but I feel like he doesnt eve want to try make it better...

 

Laura

Talk to your physician and ask for a good couples therapy. If I'm not mistaken couples counseling can be covered under insurance now. Read this article and talk to your insurance provider. Talk to your partner at some point about this. Tell him you love him and want to fix .

 

http://www.growingself.com/marriage-counseling-questions/marriage-counseling-covered-by-insurance/

[Guest PetitPrincess]

Wow, I didnt realize that things were so bad , but I've never been in that kind of sittuation so i cant give good advice. It's better for the ''HeCallsMePrincess'' to give you advice. It sounds like he really uses u as a means to went his frustrations, which is horrible ...

 

Tbh from the way you described it, it looks like you have 2 kids, not one...

 

Sometimes I feel this way... Even our sexual life doesnt exist... Idk maybe he is bored of me or smth.

 

I dont work but I have my money, its just not enough to rent a house cuz here everything is really expensive amd its impossible to live alone with jut on sallary.

 

Myjob is looking after my baby and taking care of our flat. He just works and doesnt do anything more... He thinks if he works he doesnt have to do anything more, thats a bullshit

[TallNerd]

Sometimes I feel this way... Even our sexual life doesnt exist... Idk maybe he is bored of me or smth.

 

I dont work but I have my money, its just not enough to rent a house cuz here everything is really expensive amd its impossible to live alone with jut on sallary.

 

Myjob is looking after my baby and taking care of our flat. He just works and doesnt do anything more... He thinks if he works he doesnt have to do anything more, thats a bullshit

Oh you're in Europe, yeah that should be covered by your insurance. If he makes the effort to fix your relationship that's a good sign. Try to your best.

[Guest Coyote420]

There's something I thought about the moment I read ur post, but I didnt wanna say it, however i will say it now.

 

You said that the problems started the moment you had a baby, and it probably wasn't planned, or maybe it was idk

 

But what I'm going at is that he may be frustrated cause he cant have the life he wanted, because now he had to go work immediately to support the baby, so his plans fell through. He takes all that bottled up frustration out on you which is horrible.

 

Offcourse that may not be the case, I'm just throwing out random guesses, cant say anything for sure cause I don't know you two.

[Guest PetitPrincess]

There's something I thought about the moment I read ur post, but I didnt wanna say it, however i will say it now.

 My

You said that the problems started the moment you had a baby, and it probably wasn't planned, or maybe it was idk

 

But what I'm going at is that he may be frustrated cause he cant have the life he wanted, because now he had to go work immediately to support the baby, so his plans fell through. He takes all that bottled up frustration out on you which is horrible.

 

Offcourse that may not be the case, I'm just throwing out random guesses, cant say anything for sure cause I don't know you two.

Well, even if it's like you say (ofc its possible :3) he has huge problem to tell me about it tho! I'll try to talk to him as soons as possible! And then maybe it will start look clear

[TallNerd]

There's something I thought about the moment I read ur post, but I didnt wanna say it, however i will say it now.

 

You said that the problems started the moment you had a baby, and it probably wasn't planned, or maybe it was idk

 

But what I'm going at is that he may be frustrated cause he cant have the life he wanted, because now he had to go work immediately to support the baby, so his plans fell through. He takes all that bottled up frustration out on you which is horrible.

 

Offcourse that may not be the case, I'm just throwing out random guesses, cant say anything for sure cause I don't know you two.

That could be the case but we won't know for sure unless she talks to him. I wish I was a dad now, I'm not established yet. Some people are established and don't want to be parents. Weird.

 

Everyone is different but we cant assume 

[littlebylittle]

+1 for what HeCallsMePrincess said. Forget about the little space fro the moment. Show him the example, be an adult (as you seem to be) so he can also be one. And discuss with him the issues that bother you. I understand after the work he wants some peace, but things aren't going to improve if he just engages in escapism.