Fragile Little Masks (A Poem of Sorts)

[Guest Dr_J]

Fragile Little Masks

 

I carry them with me everywhere I go, these fragile little masks. They’re always covering my face, so much it seems that most people can’t tell that I’m wearing them. Each one does what it’s intended to do: it hides the pain from people, and it stops them from seeing the things they cannot grasp or understand…or choose not to grasp or understand.

 

They’re so believable to the common eye, these fragile little masks; eyes so preoccupied with such petty things and technology that they only catch a glimpse of the masks, unable to notice their delicate structure. The friends appear vast, but the truest of the true are so few and far between, and are the only ones who see through my clever disguises.

 

Sometimes they feel so heavy when worn, these fragile little masks. Years of surface acting and shedding not one ray of light on my demons for the world to see have tied me down. And yet, I still carry them, and I still wear them, and they hide my flaws, showing the world what they’ve always assumed was the happy-go-lucky me. Sometimes I want to just throw them away and…

 

They each have a little bit of me in them, these fragile little masks; my love, my hate, my anger, my happiness, my sadness. The bittersweet feelings of victory and defeat with each battle that ensues in the endless war I’m having with myself. “I’m fine,” they say to everyone who asks, when instead I wish to say, “I’m not okay today.” And the silent war rages on.

 

Bit by bit, they’re starting to crack, these fragile little masks. They’re taking pieces of me with them with each and every break, and I’m trying to keep the pieces of me I see in them. Picking them up, one by one, trying to piece them back together or mend bits of the different masks into something more suitable for me.

 

I lose myself in them, these fragile little masks. The constant swapping of disguises has gone on for so long that I sometimes worry that I won't differentiate between my masks and my true self. Fearful of others running in the opposite direction when they realize the ruse and see that I struggle, and I scream, and I force myself to push on, even when it feels as though a little part of me is dying.

 

One day they will be discovered, these fragile little masks. I will slip up, or I will lose focus or be put into a situation where they've fallen off, leaving me exposed long enough for those to see just who I am. Will they want me to resume with the disguises? Would they cry for me, pray for me, fight for me when the nightmares seep through? Or would they do naught but cover their eyes and shake their heads, unable to fathom just how long I've been hiding?

 

I'm learning to live without them, these fragile little masks. As they become brittle and break, I'm left with no choice but to face the world as I am, for the world will not wait for me if I choose to hide. I don't want to make more of them, don't want to keep wearing them, don't want to lose any more of myself in them. I hope to one day truly let them all go...one day.

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[Guest tempest]

I feel this in so many ways. That's why I want to move, so I can take them off. It was great J.

[cutie_patootie]

Dr. PB&J,

 

That was beautifully bittersweet and touching.  I feel even more fortunate now to be able to call you a Friend... a Friend who listens to me, who hugs me, who pats me on the back, who encourages me, who cries with me and for me, who shares his innermost and personal thoughts and struggles, who reminds me that I am human and scolds or berates me in a loving manner when I need it (and there have been times when I've really needed it), who stuck by me, who kept in contact with me even after I switched from D/D to here and who (despite the masks) loves me as only a Friend can.  You are truly a wonderful man! 

 

Carly

Edited July 20, 2016 by cutie_patootie

[Guest Dr_J]

Thank you for your kind words, Ms. Cutie!

 

You never cease to be a great and supporting friend. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem and wouldn't trade your friendship for the world. I do love you as a Friend, for sure, and will always be thankful that I met you!

 

You're a fantastic woman!

 

-J