I thought this was sick. And that something was wrong with me. My journey.

[PortlandDaddy]

[in a private message someone asked me to elaborate on a reply to a thread I made about my journey with BDSM and now DDlg.  This is what I wrote.  I thought maybe it would make a good topic.]

 

What happened to me is that before I was exposed to BDSM, whenever I would come across typical BDSM images - a woman tied up being flogged by a man dressed in leather - and I thought "there must be something wrong with those people" and "who would do that to someone" and things along those lines.  I didn't think a lot about it.  And I didn't seek out those kinds of images.

 

But then... I had this girlfriend and one night we were having sex and during sex she asked me to slap her.  Seriously, I was like "....wut?" but she seemed really sincere.  So... I did.  I slapped her.  And she said "again" and I did it again.  And every time I did it made me so aroused that it redefined what I thought great sex was.

 

And then afterwards I felt really bad, like I had abused her and done something really wrong and mean to her and I beat myself up over it.  I was worried that I would lose control and hurt her.  And I was so scared about those good feelings that I broke up with her too!  At the time there wasn't an Internet and the BDSM community honestly deeply freaked me out so I didn't think I had anywhere to go.  So I just kind of stuffed those feelings away for a long time.  I wouldn't let myself think about it.

 

But now I was aimless with respect to romance.  I had a super successful career that kept me very busy and I had several more girlfriends that never worked out despite being smart and pretty and wonderful people and I was confused about it.  It's obvious now in hindsight but the reason I couldn't stay with any of them was that none of them were submissive or knew more about it than me.  I was looking for someone like that first girl unconsciously.  And then I was really lucky to find a really sweet sub who showed me that actually I was doing the highest service possible to her by doing those things.  And that it was perfectly natural and okay.  So once I had her in my life I felt more comfortable reading books and going to events, but it still took me years until I felt truly okay with it.

 

And then it took years to understand how to do it all right.  But that's a bedtime story for another night. 

 

So now fast forward to a year ago.  I had a 23 year old girlfriend, she was into older men (which obviously I like, being an older man) but she also said she loved to color and do silly dress up games and stuff.  At the time I didn't think anything of it, I was like "Ok, that's cool.  Be yourself."

 

And then... she started calling me daddy, especially when we were having sex.  And BAM just like when I experienced being a Dom the first time I had this wave of incredible feelings pour over me... every time she would do that.  Even when she would send me a text message.  She'd call me daddy and I'd feel all warm and fuzzy.  And I started thinking "what the hell is wrong with me?  I'm not into underage girls.  I wouldn't want to have sex with an actual child of mine."  I know for sure I'm not one of those creepy trenchcoat dudes who are into that.  Yuck!

 

But the feelings were so good I started thinking about it... and then I realized, that this was exactly the same way I felt about my first experience with BDSM (only better!).

 

Thank goodness for the internets... I started doing research and came across DDlg!  It was like, "I have found my people!"  So this time around I was able to get in touch with my feelings much faster.  DDlg for me is about being silly and sweet and having fun and deeply, deeply caring for someone.  It's about allowing myself not to be an adult and letting myself just dedicate myself to one person exclusively for a very special kind of play time.  It's about me being able to mentor someone and pass on the wisdom I've gained in life.  It's about providing structure and like setting goals.  Like, I've always loved mentoring people - I've done it quite a few times.  But I didn't realize I was wanting more than that.

 

And for me there is also the dark side of it, the intimacy and punishments and ravishing my little and all of that fantastic goodness.  And all of these things blend so perfectly with who I am, sometimes I can hardly believe it.

 

That girl I was with at the time, she didn't even know about DDlg herself.  I know now that she was definitely a little, but neither of us understood what was going on. Unfortunately, she did some pretty mean things to me so I had to break that relationship off for my own good, but I have this huge yearning now.  Now that I know that I'm a Daddy and I'm so excited about finding a real little I can care for can call my very own.

[kissingkitten]

Thank you for sharing your journey. and welcome home.

[AngelGirl]

Thank you Portland Daddy for given a males perceptive of DD/LG. I cried today when I realized that I finally found a place I fit in.  This is what I have been searching for all these years and didn't even know it.  I hope you find the dolly of your dreams.

[Ariel_Anne]

I had almost a similar experience, thank you for sharing  

[PortlandDaddy]

Thank you!!  It means so much to know that my experience wasn't unique and that I am among wonderful and accepting friends.