Overview

First, I’m really glad you let this out. Holding something this heavy in by yourself for years is exhausting. Of course it feels like a bag of bricks. Anyone carrying that alone would feel worn down. And yes — there’s a big difference between enjoying solitude and feeling lonely. Enjoying your own company is healthy. But the kind of loneliness you’re describing? The invisible-in-a-crowd, always-the-therapist, never-the-priority kind? That’s a different ache entirely. And it’s real. You learned how to listen because no one listened to you. You learned how to see people because you felt unseen. That doesn’t make you “just there.” That makes you deeply perceptive and emotionally intelligent. The fact that your friend told you you’re the realest person they’ve had? That’s not small. That’s rare. That’s impact. Even if you struggle to feel it. But here’s the part that matters: you are not meant to survive on crumbs of connection while pouring full meals into everyone else. You’ve been the strong one. The self-aware one. The one who leaves when things don’t change. The one who tries. That doesn’t mean you’re destined to always be the background character. Sometimes it just means you haven’t yet been around people who know how to love someone like you properly. And I gently want to ask you to consider something: have you ever truly let someone see you the way you see them? Not the polished, fine, “I’m just here” version — but the version that says, “I’m lonely. I need you. I don’t want to always be the strong one.” That kind of vulnerability is terrifying, especially when you’ve been overlooked. But it’s also the doorway to deeper connection. You deserve: To be someone’s first call. To be checked on without asking. To be celebrated. To be understood without having to shrink. To not hide parts of yourself out of fear. Loneliness doesn’t disappear just by being around people. It fades when you are known and accepted. That takes time, and sometimes it takes intentionally seeking spaces where emotional depth is mutual — therapy, support groups, hobby communities, creative circles, places where you aren’t automatically cast as “the helper.” You are not “the one who got away.” You are the one who stopped settling. And that matters. You are not too much. You are not invisible. You are not background energy. You are someone who has been surviving in emotional drought and still somehow offering water to others. That tells me there is something very strong and very soft in you at the same time. You don’t have to choose between being alone and being lonely. You can keep your independence and still build intimacy. It won’t happen overnight — but the fact that you’re asking these questions tells me you’re ready for something healthier. And one more thing: you are not “just here.” If you were, you wouldn’t feel this deeply. 🌤️ Describing what “a special somebody” actually look like to you maybe the first step toward building it. Best wishes, always!

You know, I've never been able to talk to someone about this nor have I been able to get this off of my chest at all. I don't have anyone in my life outside of the internet to talk to. This, had been on me for years, for the longest, longest time and it's been weighing me down worst than a bag of bricks. Do other people sometimes enjoy being alone? I do, sometimes I don't like being out all the time or being surrounded by people and I enjoy me time, alone time. Right? But, has anyone experienced loneliness? A certain kind of loneliness that leaves you in a sea of people that you know and yet not one stops to look at you? They continue on. I'm asking in a way because I'm the middle child, I'm the therapist of the family, the therapy friend in the friend group. I've always been involved in things with my family even if they were toxic, but I always felt like I was in the background, just there. I've had friends, but even then it felt the same. It was always until I brought up my own feelings that people just spilled there own or make it about them. Eventually I split off. It got to a point that my mental state was so off the rails bad that I made sure to move out right after highschool. And moving out made me feel free, I went to trade school had new friends. But I still felt like I was in the background, and being away from home only showed how much I actually meant to my grandparents and uncles. A year goes by, not a congratulations on graduation, not a happy birthday, no merry Christmas. I even went home for the holidays and it felt like the biggest mistake of my life because it was like I never existed, I even make the effort to try to spend time, hoping things would be different but its the same suffocating thing. Then, 3 years pass by. Not a single call nor text, even I stopped at that point. I made better friends but, I still feel like I could never be THAT friend. Always a backup friend, never a best friend. Always a therapist friend and never the one that needed one. Always giving and getting drained of everything. Being there for people over and over again, only to see everyone is suddenly too busy when I just need someone to talk to for a few minutes or just "deal with it". Never the special someone, always that odd friend/third wheel. And it's suffocating, like why can't I be that one person? Why am I always the one that got away? The friend, the ex, the sibling, and why do people act like they don't understand what happened or why I chose not to be around them anymore after I've tried so many times to verbally point it out to them. I have a good friend who always tells me "I've never had a friend that's as real as you, who can actually see me and finally listen to me because no does. You call me out on everything and actually help me learn to handle what I'm going through." And I all I have to say for that is that "I just exist, I'm just here." I understand what it's like, I've been walking in the background for years, sitting in other people's shadows no matter how many times I try to get out into the sun. It's this kind of loneliness that's suffocating, I can't stand it and I could never seem to get the words out because all of these feelings are too much sometimes. And I'm outside walking around acting like everything is fine, every, single, day. What could I possibly even do about this? I've been alone, I enjoy it but, how can I get rid of the loneliness??? How can someone sit there and tell me "oh sometimes you just don't need anybody and just be by yourself" I am by myself! I've always have been for years! I want somebody, I want to be a special somebody for someone. To be open and not seal every little crack that I feel like is wrong with me. I can't even talk about my age regression with my friends, I have to hide everything in a box if they even decide to come over and hope that they don't look in it. Being alone is easy, but loneliness is so hard and suffocating.

thank you so much ☺️

Dear, You have difficult time, but believe me, be my friend and you will never feel lonely. It's not your fault. Those who left you are losers. If you want a friend, please feel free to follow me.

knowing tha5 my words are being read and felt makes so much difference for me and knowing that I am not alone in the struggle make me feel less lonely thank you so much for sharing your words and experience with me and I wish for both of us happier heart and happiness.

@WinterBabyx Reading your words honestly means so much. Thank you for being this open and vulnerable about your experience. I’m really sorry that you carry that feeling of needing to perform or be “enough” in order to be loved. The constant nitpicking, the comparisons, the way you turn the pain inward and try to make sense of being hurt by blaming yourself… that’s exhausting. And it makes my heart ache knowing you’ve been so hard on yourself. I want you to know how deeply I see the strength in what you shared. Even while you’re still struggling, you’re choosing to speak kindness to others. That says so much about who you are. The fact that you can remind someone else that they’re worthy of love, even while you’re still learning to believe it about yourself, is incredibly powerful. You are not unworthy. Being hurt or ghosted is not proof that you’re not beautiful enough, interesting enough, or lovable enough. It’s often a reflection of other people’s limitations, not your value. The right kind of love won’t require you to shrink, perform, or compete. It won’t demand perfection. It will feel safe, steady, and accepting. I really admire your intention this year - letting go of needing someone else’s approval to love yourself. That’s brave inner work. And you’re right, it’s easier said than done. Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong in that belief, and other days the old thoughts will creep back in. That doesn’t mean you’re failing, it just means you’re human. Please be gentle with yourself in the same way you’re gentle with others. The parts of you you call “flaws” are parts of a real, layered, feeling human being. And that is something truly beautiful. You deserve a love that feels steady, especially from yourself. You’re not alone in this. And neither is @julieee444 🤍

@julieee444 My heart really aches reading this. The pain in your words is so deep and so real. I want to start by saying this clearly: nothing about what you wrote sounds “unlovable.” It sounds like someone who has been hurt, abandoned, and left questioning their worth for far too long. When someone repeatedly pulls away, blocks, or ghosts you, it makes sense that you’d start turning the blame inward. Our minds try to make it make sense: *What did I do? What’s wrong with me?* But someone else’s inability to stay, communicate, or show up consistently is not proof that you are not enough. It’s evidence that they are not capable of offering the stability and care you deserve. And when you’ve experienced early abandonment — being given up as a baby, not remembering your father except for one small moment — that loneliness doesn’t just disappear. It can settle deep inside and whisper old lies: You are invisible. People leave. Don’t trust. You’re too much or not enough. Those feelings didn’t start with the men you’re meeting now. They started with wounds that were never your fault. You were a child. A baby. You didn’t do anything to deserve feeling alone. You didn’t fail at being lovable. The fact that you hid your tears and tried to stay invisible tells me how much you’ve been trying to survive. That’s not weakness. That’s resilience. And no, you are not invisible. I see someone who longs deeply to be chosen, to be stayed for, to be felt. That longing doesn’t make you needy or unworthy. It makes you human. It may not be that you are unlovable. It may be that you are drawn to people who confirm the old story your wounds already believe — people who pull away, who repeat that early pattern of abandonment. That doesn’t mean every man feels this way about you. It means your heart is still trying to heal something very old. You are someone who hasn’t yet been met by someone emotionally available and capable of staying. That is about compatibility and their capacity, not your worth. Please don’t decide your destiny based on people who couldn’t see you properly. The right kind of love doesn’t make you beg to exist. It doesn’t make you question your value. It doesn’t disappear when you start to trust. You deserve someone who stays. You deserve to feel seen. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be chosen without having to shrink or chase. And even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, your existence has weight. Your feelings matter. Your story matters. You matter. And you're lovable!

Hi Julie- Your post is very relatable to me. I almost always feel like I need to perform to my best ability in order to be loved by someone. Often I find myself nitpicking so many details about myself physically and emotionally, and justifying being abandoned by others by bringing myself down. I’ll tell myself i’m not beautiful enough and i’m not interesting enough, i’ll compare myself to others constantly and tell myself that it only makes sense why i have been abandoned/ hurt/ ghosted. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that none of those negative things you think about yourself are true. Someone who truly loves you will love you regardless of you being sexy enough or skinny enough. They will love you with every flaw, maybe even more because our flaws are what make us unique. I know this is a hard lesson to learn, because i am still learning it and struggling with it. I am not in a romantic relationship currently and often feel like i am unworthy of love. I know that it takes time to love yourself, but just know that you are not alone in this. This year i told myself that i was letting go of the idea that i need someone else’s approval to love myself. It is easier said than done, and I still find myself holding on to that negative way of thinking, but maybe it’s something you should think about too. Much Love - Winter

Just when I start to give in and to trust he simply pulls away dissapear or a block or ghosting and I keep asking myself what have I done wrong am I not obedient enough, not pretty not skinny, not sexy why I am always not enough for you to stay? is this my destiny to suffer in loneliness from the moment I was born my Mam gave me up to be raised by my grand pa …. My father I don’t remember except one scene of him playing with me… the loneliness creeped in since I was a baby a child a toddler and so on so on the days I cried hiding in my home just because I had no one to go to I was invisible and I tried to keep it this way. now DADDY do you think I am unlovable? is it so hard to see me to feel me to stay for me I am not even the last of your priorities am simply not existing in the list.. and obviously every Man I meet feel the same about me. invisible unloveable.

Sooo being real a minute... I saw my family today, actually my mother was visiting last night til after lunch today and my brother drove in to take us to lunch... it is so difficult to be with them. I love them, but it's not hard to hear anout my faults, over and over. It's hard to remember not to be honest about my feelings or to only share parts of what is going on when family is around. Personal things are not kept private and feelings are used against me. It's so much harder when I'm sick and overwhelmed and have been under evaluation for over a week... I've been trying to focus on the positive, they are talking to me again, they are trying to be kind in their way, it's family and no family is perfect, life is tough and so are you But instead I just slipped into littlespace and tried to forget... but then I had to do laundry... now the big feelings are hitting abd I found myself halfway through a bag of cookies!!! Ugggggg!!! Soooo frustrating!!! I'm here to get better and it's so frustrating when stress gets too big for me to handle! Wish I could just shut out all the mean things and not remember them, but instead I hyper focus on them and sooo I need to breath... and relax... without my anxiety meds or asthma meds....sometimes life just is too much...

Hi Poppy. I'm sending you positive good vibes. It's understandable for this to be nervous and scary for you. I hope your healing journey goes well.

I'm so proud of you. Please continue taking baby steps, you're doing amazing and will get there sooner than you think!

Update After the first week if appointments at Mayo, I'm feeling much better emotionally! ❤️🥰 It does look like my root problem is lifelong trauma that I was unable to recover, rest and find much needed support. I had appointments all week and I have an appointment scheduled every day next week except Wednesday. My left foot is really in bad shape with a current break (again), a not healing fracture, and extensive ligament damage to the midfoot. Both feet have arthritis in multiple joints and both knees have moderate arthritis, with the left knee being more severe. - I'm still waiting on a consult from orthopedic/bone health. I have obvious sinus problems, and will have some allergy testing next week. I got into the fibromyalgia clinic next week, too. I actually have had this diagnosis since I was 21, but never been given a treatment plan, just told I needed to get over it and see a mental health provider... Thankfully, Mayo believes in integrative health and I'm learning a lot about rest, nutrition, exercise, toxic stress, and balancing my life. I'm also scheduled with a pharmacy consult next week. My tests this week have required me to be off some of my meds, and my symptoms got better! (I was even able to eat a SALAD!😱🥰💃🎉 - veggies i can chew instead of drink!!! 🎶Celebrate good times! Oh Yeah!🎶) My Mayo providers cannot taje me off my current medications, they can make recommendations to my care team back home... so hopefully pharmacy has a plan of attack to cut back on these meds... I do have a weight-loss clinic education session, too, next week. I really excited about this. It's something I asked for because I can eat healthy and exercise, but not loose weight... My main provider actually said it goes back to the trauma and cortisol my body makes when under stress that prevents me from losing or even makes me gain. The answer is reducing stress and trauma in my life... Bottom line... life changes are coming and I am relieved. While I've been gone it has taken 2 highly trained, extremely experienced teachers to replace me at work, plus an additional staff and other specialists have stepped in to help... my students miss me, they need me, but my health is more important and that is my priority. This weekend I am looking forward to my daughters visiting. It will be nice to see them.

@melissa_kastya First, what you wrote doesn’t sound confusing at all. It sounds honest, thoughtful, and very self-aware. And that already says so much about you. You clearly love your parents. You see their humanity, their background, the world they grew up in. At the same time, you’re starting to see your own world, your own timing, your own desires. That’s not selfish. That’s growth. It makes complete sense that their constant comments would wear you down. When the first thing you hear every time you meet is: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “You need a successful, intelligent man.” “It’s time for a family.” …it stops being harmless curiosity and starts feeling like a verdict. Of course it would make you question yourself. Of course it would stick in your mind for days. That doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you care. But here’s something important: Their timeline is not a universal law. It’s just a family pattern. Your mother married at 18. Her mother at 17. That was their normal. But you are not a continuation of a schedule. You are a person. And at 20, wanting to study, explore, learn, and understand the world is not only valid, it’s beautiful. You’re not “behind.” You’re not “inadequate.” You’re not less desirable because you’re not actively searching for a husband. You’re simply building yourself first. And that’s powerful. Now, about not taking their words so close to heart, that’s hard, especially when it comes from parents. But it can help to separate intention from impact. Their intention: security, stability, what they believe is happiness. The impact on you: pressure, self-doubt, frustration. Both can be true at the same time. If you want to talk to them without arguing, you might try something gentle but firm, like: “I know you want the best for me, and I appreciate that. Right now, what feels best for me is focusing on my studies and figuring myself out.” “I’m not against family in the future, I just don’t want to rush into something before I’m ready.” “When you ask me about marriage every time we meet, it makes me feel like my other achievements don’t matter.” You’re not attacking them. You’re describing your feelings. That’s different. And if they don’t fully understand? That doesn’t mean you failed. Sometimes parents need time to adjust to the idea that their child has a different life path. Also, something very important: You don’t have to convince them in order to live your life. Even if they continue to think differently, you are allowed to move at your own pace. Adulthood is partly about learning to tolerate that your parents may never completely agree with your choices, and still choosing them. You said, “They’re the only ones I have.” But you also have yourself. Your curiosity. Your desire to learn. Your awareness. Those are not small things. The fact that you’re asking these questions means you’re not drifting — you’re thinking deeply about your future. That’s maturity. And honestly? There is something very brave about breaking a generational pattern gently instead of rebelling loudly. You’re not rejecting them. You’re just choosing differently. That’s strength. You are not late. You are not failing. You are becoming. And that’s exactly what you’re supposed to be doing at 20. 🌱

I don't think this is the most important question ever asked here, but I just want to express myself a little and ask for advice (｡´-д-)。 So, my family is pretty... conservative. They're not extremely religious or anything like that, it's more that it's just the norm in the area where I live, where they grew up, and they've absorbed it over the years. That's why I feel very uncomfortable around my parents, hehe, yes. I really love and cherish my mom, I love my dad, even though he's, to put it mildly, a domestic tyrant, but they're the only ones I have. The thing is, they put a lot of pressure on me. "Do you have a boyfriend yet?", "You know you need a successful, intelligent man." "It's high time you got married." "You're twenty years old, it's time to think about a family." etc... I hear this kind of thing almost every day, every time we interact. These are some of the first questions my parents ask me when we meet. It's annoying and depressing, to be honest, and it makes me feel inadequate every time. Am I really not good enough for someone like that man who's they talking about pay attention to me? Ugh, questions like these just eat away at my brain for days after... _(:3 」∠)_ By the age of mine, my mother already had two children. She got married at 18, her mother got married at 17, her mother's mother at 17, and so on... But I don't want that! I'm just starting to understand what's going on around me! I like studying, learning about the world, just enjoying the moment here and now! I don't want a husband, I don't want children, I don't want a family, at least not in the near future. I don't know how to stop taking their words so close to heart... I don't want to argue or fight with them about it, they want what's best for me, but in their own way, it's the world they grew up in, and I grew up in a different one, and that thought is a little comforting, but to be honest, it doesn't make it much better. If you have any advice on how to discuss this with them, or maybe you've been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear it!🌺 Thanks for listening to me, haha, it still sounds confusing, I know:p

I’ve been scared of reaching out before, but getting support made things feel less heavy. You’re allowed to take small steps and lean on people who care about you.

@BabyPoppy First, thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings with people who care. I just want to say how deeply aware and courageous you are. The fact that you can name what’s happening in your body and mind — that you recognize this as a stress and trauma response — shows so much growth. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. A big appointment at Mayo Clinic would stir up a lot for anyone, especially when you carry a history of not being heard or validated. Of course your nervous system is reacting. It learned, over years, that medical spaces weren’t always safe. It makes sense that your body is bracing. It’s trying to protect you. And the part of you that’s slipping into old habits? That isn’t you failing. That’s a survival pattern firing up. The brain prefers familiar over healthy when it feels threatened. It doesn’t mean you want those habits. It means your system is overwhelmed. There’s a big difference. I hear how frustrated and angry you feel at yourself — but I also hear the compassion breaking through: “Deep breaths…” “Tears are healthy…” “I’m not alone…” That’s not helplessness. That’s resilience speaking. Even in the storm, you are coaching yourself toward calm. When everything feels big and intense, it’s usually because your nervous system is scanning for danger everywhere. The “I just want to hide” feeling isn’t weakness — it’s exhaustion. And honestly? It makes sense. You’ve carried so much. You don’t need answers right now. You don’t need to fix yourself. You don’t need to be stronger. You just need someone to sit with you. So I’m sitting with you in this moment. You are not crazy for reacting. You are not broken for struggling. You are not weak for wanting to run. And you are absolutely not alone. The fact that you want to trust people instead of withdraw tells me your heart is still open — even when it’s hurting. That’s huge. That’s brave. Maybe for now, the goal isn’t “stop the habits forever.” Maybe it’s just: Notice when the urge comes. Put one hand on your heart. Say, “I’m safe right now.” Take one breath. Delay the habit by five minutes. Not perfection. Just five minutes. And if you slip? That doesn’t erase your progress. It just means you’re human and healing isn’t linear. This appointment does not define your worth. Your past experiences do not define your future. Your trauma response does not define who you are. You are someone learning to stay instead of run. Someone learning to trust instead of hide. Someone learning to sit with intensity instead of disappear. That is powerful work. For this moment, just breathe. Let the tears come. Let your body feel what it needs to feel. You are allowed to take this one second at a time. Continue being strong knowing we're here with you.

Sorry, ignore this one. I misunderstood how the things in here works

Tank you for posting this! 💓💓

Sending you so many hugs Poppy. That sounds scary to be going through. I know for me it is easier to worry about everyone else before helping myself so just the fact that you are doing this for your health is a big deal. I don’t really have any words of wisdom but you deserve so many hugs for facing something scary head on and for taking care of yourself 🩷

Good luck!!!! I'm going to be sending you good vibes! I hope this process leads you to some healing and peace.

It's starting to hit me that I'm leaving... for 3 weeks... leaving my daughters, my home, my routines, my safety to find help and healing. It's not the first time I've been gone for my health and I'm starting to have flashbacks of how hard it was to resume regular life. I've been struggling today with getting things done... it's a freeze response. I've spent the past 2 weeks planning, organizing, being rational, logical, focused and making sure everyone else is ready... now it's time for me to finish packing and get the last of my stuff ready to go and I'm truly terrified! I'm an introvert, from a small town, and I really need my routine to feel safe. I'm going to a huge hospital in a big city (big to me), all by myself, and my routine will be all over the place. I'm worried about everyone else, when I need to relax, breath and prepare myself. To say the words I feel scared both that the doctors will find something major, turning my entire life will be upside down, or that I will once again be told we need more tests... I'm so tired of being sick, weak, exhausted, and not being able to eat or sleep. I want answers, but I'm also afraid of what that could mean for my future! 😞😢

It feels like it's happening to someone else, my best friend maybe, because I'm right in the middle of it, then it hits me that it's really me and I get scared... really, deeply scared all the way to my bones.... I can't explain it any better...

Of course, keeping you in mind during this ordeal.