Overview

Sooo... I kinda left suddenly and missed a lot.... uggg... frustrating triggers!!! I've been out forb9 years divorced for 8... but still have regular contact with him coz of custody... and in the summer it's worse coz I'm working and my daughter is too old for child are, so he's at my house a lot... he's got bipolar disorder and was crazy high in mania for about a 18 months, which ended last fall... I had to get the lawyers and police involved again... he's super depressed currently and his moods affect my child a lot... her and I are in weekly counseling and last fall we added OT for her for sensory... I believe that the anxiety, fear, panic drives the allergies and makes them worse... when life is stable and calm, we are healthier, but the transition to summer and back to school is always tough... I have a mountain of crap from my childhood too, that keeps popping up, from neglectful, alcoholic mother, who later made me her scapegoat, to a lot of icky stuff when I was super young from my paternal parent... I believe trauma comes in waves like the ocean... sometimes they are calm and steady and evenly paved, but sometimes it is rough seas and I feel so lost! My emotions go all over, my physical health goes wacky and I can't find my center... in those moments, I feel like a terrified little one standing in the middle of a mall at Christmas crying but no one hears her... begging for the mythical being to come in and protect me from myself... simple say... eat now, shower now, go to bed, talk to your child, go to work, you are capable... but it is not how healing works... I gotta do the work myself... I gotta process each trigger, each painful emotional explosion, and change the behavior, which takes time... so be forgiving of yourself and try not to compare yourself with others... their life is not yours, so it is not comparable... compare instead, did I learn from my mistakes? Am I growing? Do I need more support to continue my journey forward?

I am so sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose a baby. 25 years ago next month and I still remember, still long to hold the child that never was. I, too, never told anyone about the pregnancy, or the miscarriage, until recently. It was so painful and isolating to be alone. To walk that path without others. To feel the loss so personally, and deeply, yet to show a fake persona to the world. A happy person going through life, yet blank or crying when I was alone. Pretending my way through life. I'm so thankful you had the courage to share today! That you are bravely embracing your loss and the feelings around the miscarriage. Remember all your feelings are important and a part of the grieving process. There will be ups and downs for decades, but know that you are a beautiful woman, a strong woman to survive this and you didn't do anything wrong. Your baby is safe and loved in your heart forever, even if you never got to hold him. You are also loved. Only a loving parent is heartbroken for their child. 💔❤️ Please message me if you need support. Poppy

We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet so I didn’t wanna announce the miscarriage so pretend to be happy on my birthday to not ruin the mood we announced it about 2 weeks after that but yea

I'm really sorry that happened to you and sorry for your loss, but may I ask you why you had to fake being happy on your birthday? There are healthy ways to express sadness and sorrow with loved ones during events like this, so I really hope someone wasn't pressuring you.

Hey, no worries! Things happen and this isn't a serious issue~ and I hope your storm passes.

Oops- I just clicked bump this topic by accident- I didn't mean to

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. They really touched me — more than I can explain. It’s been such a heavy thing to carry, and most days I feel like I’m just trying to survive it quietly. I dont think I’m ready to get therapy or take any official steps yet… I know I probably should, but even thinking about it feels overwhelming. For now, I’m just trying to slowly get myself through it, little by little, one day at a time. I kinda like to think of it as a storm that even when they're dark and terrifying, they eventually have to clear, so maybe one day this storm will also lead to clear and sunny days Thank you for your message. Truly.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its 100% understandable to feel this way. I lost a baby November 2022 right before my father passed away. I think about that baby just as much as I think about my living children. It's ok to grieve, to think what if but we can't dwell in it. Hugs from one parent to another.

It’s about to be a year since I heard those words I’m sorry their isn’t a heartbeat anymore after going back for almost 2 weeks given them so much blood hoping my levels go up instead of dropping I had to fake being happy on my 30th birthday even when on the inside I felt like I was dying cause was going through a miscarriage that was my last miscarriage(no more babies for me)I love my child and so happy I got pregnant with him so soon after my miscarriage but I keep wondering what ifs and I didn’t handle my miscarriage well and just choice to ignore it and try again idk why I’m even posting this but yea

One step at a time One day at a time It's something I always say to my patients The main thing is to keep moving Social workers can be very resourceful in helping you get the help you need Very Proud of you Mr JJ You've got this and you will do wonderful things

My Psych ended up doing a gene testing to see what meds I should / shouldn't be taking and SURPRISE! (not really) I'm basically sensitive or have adverse effects to just about everything lol. So I'm starting something new this week, and someone else 2 weeks from now, once I get used to this one. I also actually switched from a Therapist to a Social Worker, so I can actually get diagnosed properly. I also took some steps to help myself, like I signed up for a gym membership and I've been going every day (well, 2 days, but it's a start, lol.) The meds I'm on not are taking the edge off at least, and I've been slightly more functional.

Working in the medical field along with psych patients, you definitely need to find a therapist you can trust and a psychiatrist that will tailor to your needs. Secondly advocate for yourself, I cannot stress this enough. If something doesn't feel right or you are feeling off make sure you let a medical professional know. You aren't going insane I promise you, the chemicals in your brain are imbalanced. Please I urge you to find someone that will listen to you. I take mental health very seriously and I always advocate for all my patients. You are not alone, it takes time to find the right medicine and the right treatment. Don't give up, I believe in you, just please don't give up

Well, I did... Until I read the replies.

@Little Nyx Oh wow, I was way off! lol I've never been that far northwest, so that's why I didn't recognize the weather patterns. It sounded close to CA, but not enough to grab my attention. But yeah, I don't do well in heat too. I have some health issues that don't do well with extremes on either end. I hope you don't get too bothered by the weather this summer and that the current pattern settles down enough for you.

Trauma dreams are the worst! I hope you were able to get a bit more rest last night and you day has good.

U.S., yes, but you are thinking on the wrong side of the country. I'm in the Pacific North West (PNW), Oregon specifically. Luckily, the area I'm in only sees about 4 months of hot, sunny weather, which is good as I have several health conditions that do not do well with heat and sunshine. If the last few days are any indication, this is going to be a really difficult season for me. {sigh} I'm already over this summer nonsense and it's barely begun.

@Little Nyx Huh, I bet you live near central east coast. Maybe further north, but not as far as Maine. Definitely close to or in Appalachia. If you're in the US I mean... Oh wait, you also mentioned daily triple digits? Gosh, doesn't sound like Appalachia after all. Triple digits makes me think of Texas or other desert/red rock states. Not that you have to tell me what state/country you're in, of course. I just enjoy guessing locations if I suspect the US. 😅 @beanbean It's much cleaner and cheaper, lol

@LittleBiscut Sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you're feeling at least a tiny bit better.

We always get a heat wave at the end of May-start of June. Then the temps generally go back to 75°-85° until July when we get back into yucky heat of 90°+ daily with heat waves into triple digits until October. Then, like magic, poof! Cool temps again (mid 60°s)! 🥳

Thank you so much, I needed this rn. I had a truma dream.. l just needed this ❤️ hope your having a good day 🫂

Lol I don’t do much virtual fishing lol

Your actions speak louder than any mental illness or physical condition you might have. So never let someone tell you that you're worthless and unlovable just because you have a diagnosis. You don't need to prove anything. Be kind to yourself by taking situations day by day and live your life to the fullest to the best of your ability. Whatever your issues are; you've got this, I believe in you! ♡

Thank you.

Fishing is always fun... at least virtual fishing anyways.

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