Overview

I often find people who say things like this... especially in regards to moving forward is to simply forgive. That's often impossible depending on the scars they've made. You can forget but never forgive and even still you'll never forget. Truly, healing is prioritizing you and your little humans and move forward with your head held high and hope and faith in yourself for a good future without harm being done to you or them. Healing doesn't always include forgiveness. To share, I'm adopted because my Birth mother was heavy in drugs. She passed this year and many people suggested I forgive the abandonment because I would heal. There s still anger, frustration, pain, and deep anxiety but you know what! It doesn't rule me. I won't let it. I move forward knowing that my boundaries have kept me sane and safe and moving on with my life will not include forgiveness but it includes her being put aside for a happier me and life. I hope you get to have that. You deserve it. I often, when people try to share their thoughts on that touchy topic for me is very honestly say that I'm not seeking advice for that and I've made my decision. I dunno if you can do that but strong boundaries around that topic has brought me peace.

Oh wow... this hit very close to home. I'm so sorry you've been through this. I can actually say that I understand because it seems we've had similar experiences with an abusive person. When I was going through therapy the idea of forgivness came up and I hope it's okay if I share my thoughts on this. The way that I understand it is that forgiving the person that did these awful things isn't about them at all, it's about you and your healing. Forgiveness is about changing your emotions and your actions regarding the person that hurt you. Forgiveness is not about "letting it go" and the abuser facing zero concequences for their actions! It's also not about reconciliation because that's not always desirable or even possible. Perhaps you need to figure out how you can forgive this person? For me, it means not giving in to strong feelings of anger and resentment (sometimes I feel so angry at what he did to me and how unfair it was that he got off with such little punishment!), not being bitter and allowing that to seep into relationships with others (my now husband doesn't deserve for me to react to him as though he were the abuser from my past) and it means not trying to create difficulty in my abusers life (boy! would I love to message his "new family" and lay it all out). Of course this is a complicated and painful topic. It's also unique to your individual circumstances. Perhaps you need to have a bigger conversation with your eldest child about forgiveness and what it means to you and to them?

Goodmorning/evening you shoudn't forgive him, a person who abused you once he will do it twice and even more... my father is the exact same, but my mom always forgived him.... you do not have to forgive him, you have to heal first do it for your children. I can tell by experience it's better to not have a father if he has to be abusive and cheater.

Great advice as always!! thank you for sharing this!!

Yeah this so much RN

💬 What Is Ghosting? Ghosting means suddenly cutting off all communication with someone—no replies, no explanation, just silence. It often happens through DMs, dating apps, or social media. ⚪ Why People Ghost (3 Common Reasons) 1. Avoiding Conflict: They fear awkwardness or hurting someone’s feelings. 2. Loss of Interest: They no longer feel connected or engaged. 3. Feeling Overwhelmed: Stress or emotional burnout makes them withdraw. 💔 How Ghosting Affects the Person Ghosted Confusion and self-doubt 😕 Feelings of rejection 💭 No closure, lingering questions ❓ Anxiety about future relationships 💬 🌱 Coping with Being Ghosted Acknowledge your feelings — it’s okay to feel hurt. Don’t overanalyze — their silence reflects *them*, not your worth. Lean on friends or support — talk it out. Refocus on self-care — do what makes you feel grounded. Set healthy online boundaries — protect your emotional space. How to End Things Respectfully (Instead of Ghosting) ✨ Be kind, clear, and honest: “I’ve enjoyed chatting, but I don’t feel this is the right connection for me.” ✨ Use “I” statements: “I need some time for myself right now.” ✨ Keep it short, gentle, and respectful. ✨ Remember: clarity is kinder than silence. 💡Final Thought Ghosting may feel like the easy option—but honest communication builds empathy, trust, and maturity online. 💛

I have an imaginary one lol he’s called Sebastian

i'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my mom over 20 years ago now and some days I miss her just as much now as I did then, honestly I don't think that ever really stops. The pain just gets a little less raw as time moves on, and being able to remember the good times without crying does get easier! When I'm feeling especially sad and really thinking about her I like to call my brother so that we can talk about her together and remember all the things that we loved, and although it makes me a little sad it also makes me feel better digging into all the happy memories. Hang in there sweetie sending big hugs your way!

Losing someone that means so much to you is so heartbreaking. Your poem touched my heart, im sorry you had to experience this heartache.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s beautiful and soul baring. ♥️

This is just a poem I made now because I'm feeling a little sad and tired and I miss someone who usually made me feel better during these times. I'm sure someone relates to this, so I wanted to share the sadness✨

When I was single I wouldn't buy myself anything on Valentine's day, instead wait for the day after and buy the chocolate half off, then grab a glass of chocolate milk and watch funny rom-coms. I was alone for a very long time, Valentines day for me meant Half off chocolate the next day. Now can it be hard for others, yes absolutely. Seeing all the other happy couples makes you feel even more alone. That's why I love this community, because even if you are alone on Valentine's day you aren't really alone because there are so many people who will talk to you and make you feel special. Don't let a holiday marketed by a corporation make you feel undeserving of love. Because that's not the case, Valentine's day was originally to celebrate Saint Valentine. He was a noble priest in Rome and buried on Feb 14, people would come out to celebrate his death and honor him. When of course it was commercialized by corporations in the 19th century and boom Valentine's day. In my opinion we deserve love 24/7 not just on one day, because each and everyone of us our amazing, beautiful and phenomenal.

I usually get super anxious about planning stuff like this, so I keep it simple. Last year, I sent flowers through gogoflorist and surprised my partner at work. It made her whole day and took the pressure off me to plan something huge. Sometimes just doing one sweet thing makes a big difference, especially if it's thoughtful and shows you care, even if it's not big or expensive.

Also, if you’ve never heard of Bug Hunter, so cute. I love his songs.

I had never thought of it that way, but you all put words on how I feel. I do have an internal CG! That’s soooooo helpful to realize. For me, it feels like a soothing voice inside my head that helps me take one thing at a time, reminds me to take breaks and to take care of myself. If I had to describe it, I would say my internal caregiver is more like an older (and wiser) version of myself, taking care of my actual self. Thank you all for this topic and all of your replies ❤️

New soul by Yael Naim makes me feel so much. The wonder and curiosity of new things, the mistakes we inevitably make exploring and a feeling of safety from being taken away from it all

I don’t think anyone, not a loved one, friend or even a therapist, has the right to tell you how you “should” heal. If someone is telling you shoulds or musts, you don’t need to let that in. YOU are the expert of your own experience. You lived it, you survived it and you still carry the scars of it. You are the one who knows your body and self the best. Your own intuition to what your healing needs will always be stronger than anyone outside you. Can people act as guides and helpers, absolutely! But even as a trauma therapist I never speak like an expert to someone I’m working with. I never tell them “this is needed to heal”. I offer that healing is different for everyone, and these are some options or things some people connect to or find helpful in their journey. What I will offer, is that for some people forgiveness is part of the journey. And for others not. There’s no right or wrong here. I absolutely do not think you have to forgive someone who was abusive. And you certainly don’t need to forgive someone who created harm for you and your tiny humans. You are allowed to be protective mama bear for life!!! Instead of forgiveness, I find some survivors find it helpful to actually fully feel and lean into their anger, process it. Allow it. Anger is a cue for boundaries. It can motivate us to create change. It’s a powerful voice in healing. Sometimes I like to remind people that feeling anger is really good. Because it means a part of you recognizes that crap was so not okay and that part of you is wanting to protect you. And for many of us, we didn’t get to do that when we were younger. Anger can be a step towards empowerment. I find, sometimes people who push forgiveness (not always, some there is genuine care there) can be uncomfortable with the truths of trauma or anger. They sometimes want you to “forgive and forget”, move on. But what they really mean is, “please make me less uncomfortable by hiding your truths better because I don’t know how to emotionally handle them”. So if you need alternative voices, I say, screw forgiveness if that is what you want! I will say that alternative work to forgives is letting go of resentment. We can’t do this though until we fully process the hurt and the anger. We in no way need to forgive, but for many, if we don’t process the feelings of resentment, that feeling can hurt us. I once had resentment described as holding a burning hot coal for years, waiting to throw it at the other person. That stuck with me. So for some of the people I work with, and for myself, we learned how to drop the coal. Does that make sense? Anyway, you go ahead and feel exactly how you feel, and heal however works for you ♥️

Thank you so much! Wow, this is so helpful and gives me a lot more information on what I wanted to know about! It reassures me a bit, that you had also worried you may get caught up in feelings in that kind of situation and you didn't. I'm so clingy😭and I feel like I'd probably start to feel attracted to someone if they could handle me and my craziness (whether it be my personality or my struggles with consistency when it comes to maintaining good habits), but hmm I do kind of hope I can form a platonic relationship/dynamic. The romantic ones just fizzle out so quickly! The dynamic you had sounds so beautiful! I'm not exaggerating, I almost cried reading it because it sounded so supportive and sweet and I almost couldn't fathom that that could happen in a purely platonic dynamic. Would it be okay for me to privately message you asking more questions about the dynamic you had and a temporary dynamic in general? Clear communication! The powerhouse of all the best relationships! And yes, it helped me so much! Thank you❤️

Trigger warnings: themes of abuse I just wanted to reach out and connect to let you know there are absolutely people here who hear you and how hard all these pieces are. Ghosting (unless we are talking putting on a ghostly costume and going booooo) can be so harmful. I often have to hold friends or clients when they experience this from others. It’s sad how often it is. Most people don’t do well with either conflict, or endings. They are hard and so they are avoided. And unfortunately the internet makes it really easy to avoid. Even a simple ‘I don’t feel the connection but I wish you the best’ is avoided. For myself, I try to remember most of it is anxious avoidance on the parts of others, from their own wounded parts. Aaaand sometimes it’s just plain inconsiderateness. But it is completely reasonable that it hurts you, and that you expect more. You deserve to be treated with integrity. You have the right to ask for that. And I’m so sorry your experiencing it. I wanted to offer that having a temporary caregiver (or some pre set boundaries) for some, is a beautiful option. Especially in windows of time when you know you’re going to be in the grind and need that extra voice to help you. For myself, because of the trauma I grew up in, I didn’t date at all when I was younger. I was very terrified of men. In university the first dynamic I ever connected to was a discipline dom, with no romantic or sexual elements. Totally platonic. He was married and deeply in love with his non-kinky wife. She loved him and gave him permission to connect in non sexual dynamics. She became close friends of mine. And having him was the first time in my life I started really taking care of myself and it moved me towards therapy and a lot of amazing healing. He was a caregiver to me in many ways. It allowed me to be my best self in school. And he was the first man who taught me men can be safe. I got to witness his beautiful love for his partner and how happy they were. With his support, I eventually started dating for the first time and connected to my first personal/dynamic relationship. I even talked to him about how I would know when I was ready and felt safe enough to have consensual sex with my first partner. In terms of how we did it, I had rules and a system of punishments/rewards, we met at least every two weeks for dynamic, talked often in chat, but we also just did things for friendship and bonding. And I became a part of their friend group and actually met my first partner/daddy through that. Keeping it platonic was not difficult for either of us. And it fed both of us what we needed. We both needed that boundary. And it even supported his marriage. And we ended it naturally when it came time and remained friends. In the beginning I used to feel worried about me getting so much out of our connection, and somehow “using” him. But he loved to remind me just how deeply good it feels for him to be needed. And how the same way it soothes me, it soothes him. I also wasn’t sure of if I could be in a dynamic and not, well…fall in love? Or get mixed up by feelings. But for us it worked. I did love him, as a friend and as a caregiver. But that never shifted into anything else. I think the thing that really helped us. Is we both wanted the same boundaries. And we were able to be very clear and communicative from the very beginning. I hope this helps a little bit to normalize what you are maybe looking for right now. And I’m sure others in this space have wisdom or stories too. It’s completely okay to do things temporary and/or platonic however you need. It would be your dynamic. There is no one way or right way to do this stuff. ♥️

Like, what do we mean by forgiveness? Cuz if someone did those things to me I would be hurt just thinking about it for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want that person to be around so they could possibly hurt me again..... So, what does forgiveness look like? For me it would mean wishing that person peace and whatever else their karma brings them and letting them go. Hugs, sounds like he's a really hurtful person and it must be hard to explain the complex situation to your kiddo.

i'm sorry you're having a rough go of it and I can understand how all of that is frustrating! There is a club here called it takes a village, and people there are happy to help out and give reminders anytime you need them! But should you just like a friend you're welcome to reach out to me anytime! Sending big hugs!

TW: talks about ghosting, a vague mention of sex I suppose. This is a bit of a vent, but also I'm too tired to vent cos it's kind of late here. (It's close to 1 a.m. but I've period insomnia) I wish people didn't ghost me if they wished to stop talking. One or two people is okay, I can handle that and it won't bother me. But three or four people? And considering you all supposedly read my Personal, in which I explain that I view ghosting as a sign of disrespect, just goes to show that you don't care! So it's probably for the better. These people don't owe me anything anyway so why do I expect them to respect my wishes? Maybe it's because I assume that if they're looking for a dynamic, they're actually partly interested or care about the person they initiate communicate with. But maybe, when I look at their profile page and I see that they're just following everyone who breathes oxygen and kind of spamming pretty much the same message under every second Personal, then I should assume they haven't actually read the Personals properly and could care less. Whatever happened to courting? It hurts because of hormones and it hurts because I don't even understand why. Why would you treat someone with such disrespect when they've done nothing? Is it so hard to just send a single sentence saying that the dynamic won't work out for some reason? You don't even have to give a reason, just a notice rather than be a coward. I'm not even bothered because I want a relationship deeply or because I feel like I'm unlovable or not enough or something (which would be the case if this was a past version of me). I'm bothered, because YOU texted ME! I wouldn't have even known you exist otherwise. Does it not stand to reason that you should also explain why you changed your mind or that you don't feel the dynamic would work? What is even expected, am I supposed to write paragraphs vying for the person's love or something? Or am I supposed to write short messages? I honestly don't get why there would be a reason to ghost someone after a mere five messages when I haven't even disclosed much information about myself (other than what was on my Personal, which I would assume is extensive enough for them to not be off-put after five messages with me). Anyways Sigh* This has only been a problem this month specifically, I don't know if it's new people or if it's just really busy people or what. In other news, I'm going to take down my current Personal (with the help of shadowrider) and put up a new temporary Personal for a temporary CG so that I can hopefully remember to eat and stay alive for the next month or grind season (I mean in terms of studying, you horny weirdos....). I'm kind of wondering if it's the period talking, I've never thought I'd want or need a temporary CG before, I never quite gotten the point of it-and as a person that has some fear of abandonment issues, it had never seemed appealing to me before. However, I doubt I'm going to find my long term CG anytime soon, and even if I did I'd rather focus on building a connection or chemistry with them first before introducing rules and structure. I'm kind of anxious. This whole 'temporary' thing is completely new territory for me-it doesn't really suit whatever vibe I have going on (which is pure chaos I assume). I know I'd definitely have limitations on sexual things-I wouldn't want that involved in a 'casual' dynamic. I guess I might have limitations on romantic stuff? I don't know, I feel like that would be confusing for me if I need the person to help me with rules and structure only. But at the same time, I don't want to use anybody so I assume it might be a little crazy to have a bit of a platonic thing going on with a CG. Or maybe not, I don't know. How do you even do that? Do you type like you're at work or something? 😭as you can see, I am already bad at this. If you have any tips or thoughts on any of that, please let me know. Thanks for reading, your time and any empathy or support you send me. Right back at ya!

That's one of the reasons I became a Mommy Dom, because I wanted to feel the love I never received and to be able to love those around me. We all deserve love and we are worthy of being loved. When I was single I would talk to myself the way I would a little, because I needed a reminder that I wasn't broken and I definitely wasn't bad. What a beautiful community we truly have here ❤️

I love this, I always thought it was weird I wouldn't take care of myself without my internal cg telling me to. It just feels depressing until then. When I was single, it felt more like a mothering side of me but now I picture it coming sweetly from my fiancé. It makes me happy to imagine but sad if I think about it too much because he would ever say those things. I'm happy with acceptance though, I don't need him to participate even if I'd like him to. But maybe one day... 🙂

You don't. You use the knowledge you've learned to recognize tactics and cycles. This is how you avoid future bad behavior- getting out before the behavior gets worse. Unless this man has genuinely apologized and bent backwards to right his wrongs, forgiveness is absofuckinlutely not required by you or anybody else he's victimized. I'm a strong believer in FAFO. Actions do have consequences. There are other more meaningful ways to heal, that don't require you to become a pacifist. Utilize your coping mechanisms, positive hobbies, and the people in your life that bring you joy.