Overview

I get calm with soft piano stuff like Ludovico Einaudi or slow indie tracks from Daughter. Sometimes a simple acoustic guitar loop helps me settle fast.

Thanks for the support! I do know a ton of DBT... I graduated from a group once upon a time ago, but didn't master all the skills (relationships are hard for me)... the group had some serious problems too and I was in for over 18 months... I'm super great at distraction techniques, mindfulness, and Wise Mind, plus emotion regulation I made it to about 60 - 70 % I'm better at those skills now... interpersonal skills... 25% maybe 30%... an area in need of growth...🤷‍♀️ figures... I've also done EMDR, CBT, some inner child work, art therapy, a Christian 12 step group for co-dependency, and a few other therapy things... it usually just comes down to me moving on to a different therapist or agency and hoping for the best... I've been through lotsa therapists and several therapy agencies... 😢 When I was at Mayo they said I've been misdiagnosed for the past 25 years... not bipolar, but PTSD and hormonal imbalance instead. So my therapists and doctors have been treating me for the wrong illnesses all this time. Wrong meds, wrong treatment plans and wrong providers... plus it's compounded the trauma by waiting so long to treat the real problem other trauma has built on top and my physical body is hurting... I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and whatever journey I am on, this is just another step on the path. I am a fighter. I am resilient. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I need a rest and time to heal as I process what has happened, but my life isn't over. My life is changing directions quickly, for the better and I am finding peace and comfort in answers.

Hey Poppy. It was sad but also good to read some of your back story. It makes me feel like I know you a little more. So, thanks for sharing. In dialectical behavioral therapy there's a concept called Wisemind. Where essentially you ask yourself: "what's the best way I can take care of myself right now." Are you familiar with this or with DBT? I suggest you use this phrase each time you notice you're have a feeling or having a difficult thought this weekend. For me it would mean asking for a chair, or letting folks know if I need quiet or put on a song just for me. Or a piece of cinnamon gum... I had to learn that there's ways to be around people without disappearing or having no needs. Contending with a difficult past while parenting your kids towards a better future is one of the most painful and anxious parts of being a mom. I just want to say you're doing it! Yay! (Suuucks and is so hard to parent!) And you have my deep understanding. I hope you carry me with you today just a bit. So you don't feel so lonely while your kids are enjoying your support around you. I had an unhappy marriage too. For me, I felt unseen and disconnected. I didn't feel safe or understood when I was with my ex. And I had a lot of disrespect for him. I wasn't a good wife. And he wasn't a good husband. And I'm still grieving the fact that it didn't work because I spent 16 years with him....and it's such a deep fathomless loss of my TIME. MY LIFE. I still have my wedding dress.... And it makes me sad for the woman I was. I was trying so hard to force the happy life that I wanted. I made my choices and I'm....sad about them but that doesn't mean I don't understand why I did what I did. And I still try to love myself even though I disregarded my own feelings and sold myself away cheaply. I am trying to heal now. And you are too! And healing always seems to mean feeling pain. Im glad you're in the process of healing. I hope it bears fruit. I hope you find ways to prepare for a better future for yourself as well as for your kids. It's coming. Don't lose hope. Em

Of course! Yes it’s personal but for me it’s my way of saying “hey this is what happened to me. This is what I went through and this is how I think, act, feel because of it . This shouldn’t happen to anyone and I never had anyone believe me and if I can share my story share what I’m going through maybe just maybe I can get some kind of help.” I’ve tried different sites I tried reaching out to people and in the end I was the bad person or they tell me “your a adult you can just leave if you really want to “ and I sit here thinking “hmm yeah you think it’s that easy for me to just get up and leave. I literally can’t “ it gets to the part of being hurt and misunderstood and soo frustrating especially when I had a so called friend that didn’t wanna talk to me cause they said I wasn’t 26 after I repeated myself to them and said I wasn’t lying and it got to the point I showed them my birth certificate and was like “ see I told you I’m 26 why won’t you believe me !” Their exact words was cause I didn’t have a job , a car or a place of my own and I don’t talk on the phone and I act like a child… like what the heck you want me to do! I been honest and it really hurt me they didn’t believe me and said that after I told them what I went through and try to explain to them why I am the way I am. I really did grew up in a bad environment i can see it and for the longest time I thought it was normal. It.. it just really hurts having the ones that gave me life treat me the way they did and then act like they wasn’t the cause of it you know 😭 I use to think I was a sweet, kind , caring person who was just a little different and special like a snowflake ❄️ until I asked my father one day” why can’t I do what the others are doing my age?” His exact words was “your not like them and never will be don’t ask that again . Me and your mother programmed you differently we ain’t like them people.” At first I didn’t think nothing of it I just thought I was bad but now it was that word “programmed “ like to them I was a machine not a human . I should of been “taught” not “programmed “ It really does make things super challenging even taking a bath or brushing my teeth is a struggle. I’m afraid to even wave at someone cause I feel like I’ll get in trouble. I tried to talk verbally like I use to send audio messages . One time I talked for 15 minutes straight and they really didn’t care and was like just call me instead and I tried to explain to them how I get severe anxiety on the phone and that they should be proud cause that’s the longest I ever talked verbally in one day. Unfortunately it wasn’t good enough for them so I just figured texting was better least I can still find a way to use my voice even if it ain’t verbally anymore. I’m trying so hard to create a safe little place for me where I can be happy and not be all tensed up 24/7. I’ll take any little progress right now and I think with everything I went through it’s no wonder why I sleep weird hours cause I feel like to I have to protect myself I can’t sleep if I sleep who will protect me . Yes I have a dog who is very protective but I mean like who will protect me from what’s inside my head if that makes sense. It’s like I’m trying to relearn everything all over again like I was just born. It’s like I’m in this world and I don’t know what it is or what to do. Should I touch a flower? Should I leave the window open at night for fresh air? (I was gonna have my window open but I live near a field and the farmer who owns it thought it would be a good idea to spread a ton of rotten egg shells in the field for compost and now the whole air smells like rotten eggs and it stinks! ) I just wish I can go into a store and not have anxiety or feel like I’m gonna get yelled at if I touch something in there. It’s like I just wanna get what I need and leave as fast as possible. I really don’t care if it takes the rest of my life to heal cause I really wanna heal even though I’m scared to death to do it. I’ll try to remember I’m not broken I’m like a flower in order to blossom and show itself to the world I need plenty of tender loving care and patience to be able to blossom into something beautiful. I survived so long I just wanna breathe without shaking or crying . When I get really upset or angry I have a temper and I will more less go into a tantrum and push and kick and slap and pinch and try to get to my room as quickly as possible. I have hard time expressing my wants and needs or when I’m upset and angry or any emotion cause I got punished for it so it’s like throwing a tantrum is my way of trying to say something is wrong I need help. Oh I’m still nervous and scared sharing this but I feel like I have to if I wanna reach out for the help and connection and love and trying to find a place I can call home. I really do want something better even if it’s online for now it’s still better than nothing. It is true I have carried so much when I have a older half sister ( same mother different fathers ) and she is like in her 40’s and doesn’t take any responsibility and it’s all left on me . I only got two shoulders how much more can I take before i collapse and have a burnout again where I sleep for three days and hardly stay up for two long cause I’m so exhausted I can’t do anything. I told myself to never open up again cause nobody cares about me but I’m glad I did I’m glad I’m opening up and talking about this and not hear “oh I’m sorry” like I left a person a message one time I was having a really bad day and all they said was “damn sorry” like where was that person when I needed them the most they didn’t show the effort when it mattered the most but if they had a bad day I was right there doing anything I could to help them. I hate to admit this but I was a people pleaser to. I would do anything to please someone no matter how it made me felt cause I wanted them to feel what I never had even if that meant they never showed me it back. What about umm… how do I say this nicely having accidents like wetting my pants/ shorts… I’m sorry for asking I’m just trying to figure out why my body does that cause sometimes it may not soak my clothes sometimes it does so I wonder if that’s trauma related as well. I wonder if my mind and body will ever learn its safe even if I do ever get out of living situation I am currently.. what if my mind and body always think it’s not safe when it is. I’m really glad I joined this cause talking to you really is helping me cause it’s like ok someone knows and understands and is trying to help me let them help me! I’m not use to this I’ll be honest to have someone actually taking time out to message me back like this so it’s a weird feeling but also a very good feeling at the same time. I don’t think my nervous system works properly anymore so hopefully with time and gentleness and support they will work right again. Oh yeah my neighbors kids are hilarious like if my dog barks at them they will say “Daisy shut up” cause they heard me telling my dog to shut up and leave them alone so now they do it and it’s really funny and adorable cause my dog will stop after they say it .just the laughter and love from them … not once have I ever heard them fight infront of their kids and I’m like “wow … so that’s what a family looks like” I’ll try to not feel ashamed but I do cause it’s like I can’t change what I have done. I have ruined my body and now I’m trying to take care of it and say I’m sorry to it let me help you back and fix what I did . Oh wow it’s 10:04 pm for me .. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet or took my cold medicine but I will after this. To be honest I’m surprised some of my scars didn’t take me out cause they got so deep sometimes but I’m glad they didn’t cause now I have this maybe I won’t need to do that anymore. I don’t know how but I’m surviving. Surviving for what? I’m not sure yet. Like I crave gentle affection so badly and want it in the worst way but I know I have to wait case It will come when it’s ready and not cause I want it now. When it’s times then I’ll be able to experience gentle affection. I’ll know what safety is when the time comes and get all the cuddles I want. Ok I’m not gonna make it until 11pm so I’m gonna brush my teeth and head to bed and finish this for you when I wake up. I hope you have a wonderful evening and I really appreciate you taking time out to message me🥰 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚 Good morning @MasterPhotog sorry it took so long for me to respond back😅 I hope you have a wonderful day today. I’m also learning how to set boundaries and figure them out and learning to not let anyone just walk over them and ignore them. I use to have boundaries with my so called parents and family but they didn’t respect them and just kept doing whatever they wanted to do or say to me and it made me feel like “well if they won’t respect my boundaries nobody will so why have them” so now I’m learning boundaries all over again. Thank you for saying my identity is valid. That means a lot 🥹 Oh tell me about it dysphoria can be a lot but I did find having a nightmare before Christmas hoodie that’s black helps. I got it at Walmart the biggest size they had in men’s and omg it hides everything really well and I wear it constantly! That definitely helps me and my plan is to hopefully save up to get at least one binder so when I wear the hoodie I can wear it to like when I’m alone in my room for just a little while until I get use to it. I hear tomboyx is a really brand for binders so I wanna give them a try one day. I even started slowly getting me some cologne like I have one and it smells really good and I been trying out different men’s deodorant cause i do sweat a lot and let me tell you so far the ones I’ve tried aren’t to bad ( I found some of my fathers old deodorant he never wore cause he didn’t like that brand same with the cologne so I took it and hid them in my room) that reminds me I gotta get me some more deodorant when I get some money saved I’m totally out at the moment . I’m sorry I’m getting off track now my apologies. I will try to give myself the respect and patience it deserves. Oh yeah I tried so hard to reach out cause I have to be able to trust someone before I can talk to someone about stuff like this verbally. I was taught to never tell anyone what happened to me cause I’ll just case problems and make it worse and nobody would believe me anyways cause my father knew how to play his cards right . To everyone he’s the most kindest person and an over protective father who loves his kids. They don’t know the real him like I do and he is very good at getting what he wants when he wants it to and if he doesn’t it’s worse on me. Now with a group I went to they had a therapist who recommended me to the one I’m waiting to get in and I just wish I could get the help but odds are they probably won’t take me cause in their eyes I’m not severe enough.. it’s very disappointing to watch others get the help but when I ask for help I more less get it shoved and pushed aside . I really do feel being here is really gonna help me cause least nobody here as turned me away or has been rude . Everyone has been so nice to me here so far 🥰 I’ll keep trying to reach out for help even if that means I’m getting help from here it’s better than nothing. Omg yes! I really wanna start a blog and have it separate where it’s just for happy things like a dream bedroom, pictures of houses I find I love, writing fantasy stories etc. I love to journal cause it lets me have a voice and I never know what creativity might hit me 🤭 I wanna create that safe space and environment for me . I wanna start healing and I know it’s not gonna be like in a week or a month before I’m healed. I know it could take many years and that’s ok with me . I waited this long I can wait more. I don’t think I could ever stop caring or hoping or reaching out no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop. Something is just not letting me give up completely. I think deep down I’ll always hope for love and be able to express my own laughter one day. Of course I’ll thank someone fort their kindness cause it’s rare these days and the fact someone share kindness with me is always appreciated and will always get a thank you. I wanna heal and it’s gonna be hard but worth it in the end. Maybe my light color is a mixture between pink and lavender cause those colors are soft and lavender is calming. You’re right there my light does flicker when things are hard and I don’t ever want it to truly go out ever. For now I will hold my stuffie tight and focus on feeling better and getting my headache and my cold to go away. Healing is a slow process and not a race. I have to be like a turtle 🐢 and go slow and steady and pace myself. That really means a lot saying I deserve gentleness, safety, care, connection, and chosen family. I feel like the more I say it the more I’ll actually start to believe it. I even dream about having a home in the countryside or a log cabin mansion and live like you see in them hallmark movies . Omg they are so romantic and some of them movies feels so safe to me makes me wish I could just jump right in there . I’m sure I’ll find more spaces like this and people that understand to just gonna take time to find them. Oh I know nobody here is a professional but you should be cause your very smart and know what your talking about out . Just saying and giving you a compliment 😊 I’m glad I can reach out to the group to you directly for encouragement or general guidance and I’m pretty sure I will be coming for encouragement and guidance to in the future. Just curious what do you do in a more active role in the group? Just curious . I will try to remember everything you have told me and if I forget I can always come back and look at the messages to help remind me 😊 my future sounds like it’s gonna be wonderful and a surprise all at once and that sounds pretty cool. You take care to and thank you so much for your kind and helpful words 🤗

@BabyPoppy It seems like you’re carrying a lot right now—physical pain, lack of sleep, tough memories, worry about the weather, and the emotional weight of wanting to show up for your daughters while your body and heart are already stretched thin. Anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed. The fact that you still showed up for the cookie booth and are planning to go dress shopping tomorrow says a lot about the kind of mom you are. Your daughters are lucky to have someone who loves them that deeply. 💛 What you went through in your own marriage story is painful and unfair. Being pushed into decisions when you weren’t ready, having your voice ignored, and carrying all that while caring for a newborn are real wounds. It makes complete sense that wedding-related things would stir those memories up. Nothing about your reaction is “too much” or wrong; it’s your mind trying to process things that were never okay in the first place. But tomorrow doesn’t have to be a repeat of that past. This time, you’re not powerless. You’re not being pushed. You’re going as a mom who loves her daughter and gets to witness her joy. Even if it’s just one store and lunch, that’s enough. You’ve already given yourself permission to keep the day short if needed, which is wise. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be good enough. A few gentle thoughts that might help tomorrow feel lighter: Take it moment by moment. You don’t have to carry the whole day at once. Just focus on the next step—getting there, sitting down, watching her try one dress. Give yourself permission to rest when you need to. Sit, breathe, step outside for a few minutes if emotions spike. Remember: this day is about her story, not your past. Your presence alone will mean more to her than you realize. Hold onto the beautiful part of your own story: even after everything, you chose to turn your dress into something that comforts grieving families. That says so much about your heart. Also, try not to carry the weight of what people in town think. The looks, the whispers, the pity—those are reflections of their assumptions, not your worth or your strength. Anyone who truly sees you would see a woman who has survived a lot and is still standing for her kids. Tonight, if sleep won’t come, maybe just focus on rest instead of forcing sleep—slow breathing, a warm drink, reminding yourself: “Tomorrow I only have to do what I can.” That’s enough. And one more thing: years from now, your daughter probably won’t remember the weather or how long you stayed at the shop. She’ll remember that her mom was there when she found her dress. That moment will belong to the two of you. 💕 You’re stronger than this moment feels right now. One step at a time tomorrow. Best wishes!

I'm awake at 2 am... it's not normal anymore, but tomorrow is gonna be a lot and my body is preparing with pain, and racing thoughts... Well, actually it's been a tough day all around... On Friday I had to work at a Girl Scout Cookie booth with my youngest... stand in one place for 2 hours... I struggle to walk through the store for 15 minutes to pick up fruits and veggies, but she needed a parent to be present... plus everyone is really talking about me in town and a few asked how I was doing, others ignored us and some just gave me that pity look..😢 Tomorrow I am going wedding dress shopping with my oldest... an hour and a half from home... I have to drive coz she's riding with her maid of honor and I'm taking my youngest along. We're supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow afternoon, so I plan to cut the day short, only one bridal store and lunch... but even that is bringing back so much... My wedding experience was terrible... I had just had my youngest... I kept telling my ex hubby no I'm not ready to get married, and he moved his stuff into my house while I was at work before the baby was born... then lotsa bad stuff happened and when she was like a month old, he too the girls and I to a jewelry store, a nice one to look at rings... I was still saying no, but I found a pretty one, that was simple and elegant... the next thing I knew I was paying for my cheap ring and his expensive ring! His cost 3x mine and it was his 3rd marriage, but my first marriage! 2 weeks later we traveled 4 hours with a 6 week old baby and a school age kiddo in winter to find a wedding dress... I had to show him each one so he could pick... (I still didn't wanna marry him! I had post partum depression... or at least thought I did... now i think I had an abusive relationship). He planned the whole wedding... Flowers, cake, location, date, flower girl dresses, wedding party... I had no choice! All I wanted was a simple wedding with my church family and close friends and family... followed with BBQ sandwiches, salads, veggies, lemonade, and cake. Kids dance party music, games and time to see everyone! No alcohol, no stressful multi- location driving instructions. Just simple and fun. My kids in the wedding party and a mentor couple. A celebration not a performance... It ended up being a surprise elopement 2 states away coz my ex had an outstanding warrant in my state for unpaid tickets! Then he forgot the divorce papers he needed abd we had to wait all weekend to get married... He went and picked up his favorite ex girlfriend and brought her to be a witness to our wedding! Then she road home with us 6 hours which turned into 8 hours due to bad weather and missed all the bus connections to go back home! She spent the night in my tiny 2 bedroom house on my wedding night, which meant the baby had to sleep in my room, too... plus my ex and her had drinks at supper to toast my marriage, but I couldn't drink coz I had to drive us home! And I never got to wear the wedding dress coz it was still being altered! Later I donated my wedding dress to a nonprofit that uses the fabric to make funeral clothes for infants who die. So something good came of my wedding! Now I get to go shopping with my daughter tomorrow shopping for her wedding dress, remembering all this crap, when I already feel crappy and there's a izzard coming and Sunday there's a potluck after church! It's all just too much stress once. Any wisdom or support would be helpful! Poppy 💕

I hope everything is going well. Don't feel bad if it is still not done yet, confrontation can be very difficult. Unfortunately it sounds like your current Daddy is just a confrontational person. From what you wrote I think you are making the right decision. He sounds fairly manipulative : "he doesn't just accept that i want him to leave, he argues and begs and says anything he can possibly think of to get his way and change my mind." The anger, shouting, and threats are probably just an extension of his manipulation and the fact he has no where to go is borderline weaponised incompetence. When it comes down to it, you probably came to your decision because you focused what is best for you and your children. Not only do you and your children need a happy, calm and safe environment to grow up and thrive in, but children are 'model learners' which means you are setting the example to them of what is acceptable behaviour. I'm sure you would never want your daughter to stay in a relationship like this - which means you must find the strength to set the right example. I think it is obvious that he will attempt to manipulate you into changing your mind back. I'm worried it could get violent, he could become angry and lash out at you or your children. You could consider having a friend with you or close by (at the local coffee shop ready to get to you within a few mins). Feel free to make whatever decision you want to make. If the confrontation is scary, just think about how much scarier it would be to not go through that confrontation and live the rest of your life with an angry person you don't love and possibly see as a threat/timebomb with you and your kids. If you are a mother, you have already been through plenty. He is just one more angry child that never grew up and learned to control his emotions/anger. I believe you can handle him just like any other stroppy child by being clear and firm, I just worry that he is bigger/stronger, so please be smart and have a plan to stay safe.

Tbh I keep chickening out of telling him I want him to leave but I am trying to figure out what specifically I think I need in order to do so. I am also moving in with my mother probably by the end of April so I will definitely have to do it before then. I've been practicing a lot of self compassion and trying to build my confidence a bit as well. I appreciate everyone's concern and support 💜

Checking in

@RainbowJackCutie Thank you so much for trusting us with something this personal. I’m really glad you shared, even though I can hear how heavy it still feels. The fact that you carried this for so long and are only now hearing someone say it wasn’t your fault says a lot about the environment you grew up in—not about your worth. You didn’t ruin anyone’s life by being born, and you never deserved what happened to you. The way you were treated reflects their choices, not your value as a person. It also makes complete sense that being isolated for so long would make everyday things—like going out in public or talking to people—feel overwhelming. Anyone in your position would struggle with that. The fact that you are trying, even when it leaves you exhausted and wanting to hide, is actually a sign of incredible strength. Those small steps you’re taking, even if they feel tiny to you, are real progress. You don’t have to figure out your entire future all at once. Learning how to navigate the world after that kind of upbringing can happen slowly, one safe step at a time. It’s okay if going to the store, making eye contact, or speaking a few words feels like a big mountain right now. Healing often begins exactly there—with the small, brave moments that nobody else sees. Please remember that you’re not broken for feeling this way. You adapted in order to survive a very difficult situation, and those survival habits take time—and kindness toward yourself—to unlearn. There are people and resources who understand trauma and social anxiety, and with the right support, things really can become easier over time. For what it’s worth, the courage it took to share your story and to be this honest about your fears already shows that there’s a resilient part of you that wants something better. That part of you deserves patience, compassion, and hope. Reading your words, one thing is very clear: you have carried more than most people should ever have to carry. And the fact that you are still here—still speaking, still hoping for love and connection—says so much about your strength. Even if you didn’t notice it before because you were in survival mode, that strength is very real. What you described about the memories, the shaking at night, and the feeling like you’re always waiting for something bad to happen is something many trauma survivors experience. Your mind and body learned for a long time that the world wasn’t safe, so they are still trying to protect you now. There is nothing “wrong” with you for reacting that way. Your nervous system has simply been through a lot. Healing from that takes time, gentleness, and support. The part where you watch the kids outside laughing and playing—and you smile, even though it also hurts—really shows how big your heart is. Even after everything, you still recognize joy and tenderness in the world. That ability to notice softness and kindness is actually a sign that your light is still there. And please hear this: the things you did when you were younger to survive your pain are not something to be ashamed of. When someone is hurting that deeply and has no support, they cope in the only ways they know how. Those scars are not proof of failure—they are proof that you made it through moments that could have taken you out. You survived. Wanting gentle affection, safety, cuddles, kindness—someone who protects and cares for you—are not “too much,” and they are not wrong. Those are basic human needs. Everyone deserves to feel safe, comforted, and loved in ways that respect their boundaries. I also want to say this about your identity: the way you see yourself, the boy you know you are inside, is valid. Dysphoria can be incredibly painful, especially when you’ve already gone through so much trauma. But your identity is yours, and it deserves respect and patience—especially from yourself. It sounds like you’ve also been trying really hard to reach out for help—getting on therapy waitlists, trying groups, and looking for support. That effort matters. Even if the system has been slow or disappointing, the fact that you’re still trying shows how much you want a better life for yourself. And that is a powerful thing. I really love the idea you mentioned about starting a blog and writing about things like your dream bedroom. That might seem small, but imagining safe spaces and gentle futures can actually be a beautiful step in healing. Sometimes healing begins with small moments of imagination and self-kindness. And about the light inside you—yes, I do believe it’s there. People who have completely lost their light often stop hoping, stop caring, and stop reaching out. But you are still hoping for love. You still notice laughter. You still thank people for kindness. You still want to heal. That’s light. Maybe your light is a soft color—something warm and steady. The kind that flickers sometimes when things are hard, but never truly goes out. For now, holding your stuffie, taking baby steps, writing your thoughts, and getting through one day at a time is more than enough. Healing doesn’t happen all at once—it happens in small, brave steps exactly like the ones you’re taking. You deserve gentleness, safety, care, connection, and chosen family. Keep in mind that you’re not alone in this, even if it has felt that way for much of your life. It’s never too late to start building a life that feels safer, kinder, and more your own—one small step at a time. 🤍 There are people out there, and in spaces like this, who understand trauma, autism, and LGBTQ+ experiences and want to support one another. While none of us here are professionals, you’re always welcome to reach out to the group—or to me directly—for encouragement or general guidance. And if you’d ever like to take a more active role in the group, let me know; sometimes being involved in a small, supportive way can help you feel a little less alone. Finally, remember that your story isn’t finished yet. There is still so much room in your future for the safety, softness, and love you’ve always deserved. 💜 Please take care and continue to be strong! Best wishes!

@MasterPhotog I wanna say thank you from my heart for taking the time to respond to this. Reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes so I apologize in advance for being emotional at the moment. I’ve waited almost 27 years for someone to tell me it was not my fault and that I didn’t deserve it. Yeah I might say I didn’t deserve what I went through but honestly I never believed it for a very long time cause I truly thought I deserved what happen to me cause I felt like I ruined my parents life for being born. I’m really glad I shared this cause to be honest I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me in the future after my narcissist father passes . I don’t know how to survive on my own. Yes I know how to pay bills but just doing that means going out in public. Same with getting groceries or just going out in public in general. My parents isolated me so bad I don’t know how to socialize with people. I struggle with talking and go nonverbal and can’t look people in the eyes without getting watery eyes . Something so simple takes so much out of me that by the time I get home I just wanna hide in bed and never have the energy to do things that need to get done around the house. I guess it did take a lot strength for me to survive everything I went through and is still going through and I just didn’t really notice it cause I was stuck in that survival mode. The worst part is I can’t remember a lot of things unless I’m sleeping then it’s like all that abuse and neglect and the fighting all that comes in my mind and I shake at night so bad and I get flashbacks which I call nightmares cause to me that’s what it is . Even though my mother has passed away a year ago … it’s like I’m still waiting for her to walk through that front door and start yelling at me and threatening me like she use to . It’s like I’m still waiting for something bad to happen. I can’t relax and I don’t feel safe only in my room. I have neighbors with kids and I can hear them laughing and running around outside screaming and yelling for their daddy to play and I hear laughter and yes I’ll admit sometimes I will stop and peek over and smile watching them and then look away cause it hurts to much. To be honest … I never thought I would make it this far … when I started … my unhealthy coping mechanism at the time I was 13 I told my parents .. well more less screaming and begging for them to get me help cause I was depressed I wasn’t happy I needed to talk to someone.. they didn’t wanna hear it and started yelling at me and called me a lier and I knew right there I was on my own .. I didn’t have parents just two people who I’m force to call mom and dad. I honestly thought I never would have been here this long and I got scars to show it and I feel ashamed for it but i have learned to accept the scars as part of me and knowing it’s ok I didn’t mean it it was just me trying to deal with the situation the only way I knew how. Of course I’m still hoping for a connection and love cause that’s all I ever wanted. I don’t care about expensive things or the top brand stuff .. all I really want is a connection and love and being taken care of . As much as I’m scared of doctors and dentist I wanna be able to go have a check up and make sure I’m healthy and up to date on my shots etc. I try to be nice to others but when I have my bad days it seems like that’s all they see of me. There are days I feel like given up and when I’m sick I just wanna cry for my “Daddy” but then I remember I don’t have one and it makes me even more sad and scared when I’m sick or having a bad day. I know deep down I’m a boy but it’s hard sometimes when all I see is a female body and the dysphoria hits hard. I do get confused sometimes and I’m scared to trust cause everytime I did I got hurt bad and relationships… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to handle it again. I tried so many times and every relationship said they would help me but I ended up sending nudes to them and doing things that triggered me more . I hate myself for what I did cause I wanted to be love so bad I didn’t realize what their true intentions was until it was to late . I never really was sexual and always hated the idea of being sexual like with penetration no no no!!! I just want kisses , cuddles , back rubs , massages , legs and tummy rub you know that kind and gentle intimacy with someone. Yeah it has left a lot of deep wounds and I just wanna be held . Especially now since I’m sick and my head hurts really bad and my ears are full of wax and I can’t clean them and my nose hurts. I always thought basic needs and wanted to be protected was wrong and I didn’t deserve it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to feel safe, loved and accepted for who I am. I will try to remember what you tell me and maybe even I can start small by making a blog on here and writing things like what I would love my dream bedroom to look like or something like that. Your right what was done to me was real and unfair and it doesn’t define my worth or future. Even though I don’t know what my worth is yet or what my future may look like. I hope by joining this I can start to heal and find safety, community and like you said a chosen family later in life. I hope to find people like that and maybe I will here 👉🏻👈🏻 I been carrying so much alone for so long it’s really hard to not do it on my own. I been trying to get into a therapist but I’m on a waiting list . Been on one for months . I went to a ima group multiple times and they won’t help me either . I tried to get help financially and they say I’m not severe enough and more less won help me either. Maybe I can find support groups on here that understand trauma, autism and LGTBQ+ You really think I still have light in me *looks down at myself* hmm I wonder what color light is inside of me 🤭 I guess I am helping by using my voice and I didn’t notice it. Maybe someday I’ll find the care I deserve and the gentleness. I hope to have a life one day where I don’t have to say I’m sorry from the moment I wake up or feel sick or exhausted and can just be my happy little self. That’s all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know someone heard my words and I’m responded back to that to let them know how much their words touched me and how much i appreciate it. I’ll try to take care of myself an I’ll try to stay strong but until then I’ll just cling to my stuffie like a life line and take baby steps 💜

@RainbowJackCutie I’m really glad you shared this, thank you. What you wrote carries so much pain, but it also shows how much strength it took for you to survive everything you went through. No child deserves abuse, neglect, or to feel like they have to apologize just to make the fighting stop. None of that was your fault. The little kid you were wasn’t broken — they were trying to survive in a situation no child should ever have to face. The fact that you’re still here, still reflecting, still hoping for connection and love says something important about you. People who are truly “broken” don’t keep trying to breathe through the hard moments or speak kindly to their younger self the way you do. That shows there is still a caring, resilient part of you inside that hasn’t given up. It also makes sense that you feel scared, lonely, and confused about identity, relationships, and trust. When someone grows up without safety or affection, it can leave deep wounds. Wanting to be held, protected, and cared for isn’t childish or wrong — it’s a very human need. Everyone deserves to feel safe, loved, and accepted for who they are. Please try to remember this: your story didn’t end with what happened to you as a child. What was done to you was real and unfair, but it doesn’t define your worth or your future. Healing from trauma is slow and messy sometimes, but people do find safety, community, and chosen family later in life — people who see them, respect them, and treat them with kindness. You don’t have to carry all of this alone either. Talking to a counselor, therapist, or support group — especially ones that understand trauma, autism, or LGBTQ+ experiences — can help you feel less alone and help you build the kind of life and support system you deserved from the beginning. And for what it’s worth: the younger version of you who hoped someone would come save them? You’re already doing something powerful by speaking up for them now. That voice inside you that still hopes, even a little, is not weakness — it’s proof that there’s still light in you. You deserve care. You deserve gentleness. You deserve a life where you don’t feel like you have to hide or apologize for existing. Take things one day at a time, like you said. Even very small steps toward safety, support, and self-kindness matter more than you might realize. And please know that someone out here heard your words and believes that you were never meant to be broken. You were meant to survive — and maybe, slowly, to heal too. Please take care and continue to stay strong!

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ It’s 2026, I don’t know why I’m living a lie. I wasted so much time watching the world pass me by and all I could do was sit and watch. Never able to reach out and touch the green grass on the other side and believed that one day I could build a life for myself. Like a flower without sunlight I slowly faded away and became weak. Feel like I’m losing a battle no matter where I turn. Got a demon inside my mind that just won’t go away. It’s like it’s guiding me to forever be alone and whispering to me that I’ll never belong. I try to breathe and shake the memories away and try to push the demons away from me but they never leave. Always standing behind me , never letting me out of their sight. I never had anyone kiss my ouchies and scrapes when I got hurt. I was born to be broken. When I was just a child , I was severely abused and my mother use to walk out and leave me as a baby and just started walking on my tippy toes. I just wanted a mother’s love and all I got was tears and could barely walk sometimes. All my hopes were stolen back then but I was too young to understand so I just thought I was a bad girl. Now 26 and I’m no longer identify as a girl or a tomboy cause Identity as a boy now and that makes me happy but also scared and sad cause I’ll never be able to transition. I was born to be broken. I was just a child back then, I didn’t asked for what my parents did to me. I was always caught in the crossfire when they was fighting and I had to take the blame and say it was my fault and I was sorry I’ll be good just so they would stop. Growing up I felt lost and confused and always tried to figure out how to be good. Everytime I reach out my mother didn’t want me and my dad got to busy for me. I just wanted to be someone’s little baby and be held was that too much to ask ? I gave it a good try. I have to hide the fact that I’m trans and gay cause I still live with a narcissist father. Now that guy I thought liked me so well and that was gonna take it slow with me doesn’t even wanna talk to me after he said he was ok with me being a little and calling him “Daddy” I’m not mad but I wish he never said he loved me . Why do people say they love someone when their actions speak louder? I really can’t be mad at anyone cause who would wanna love someone like me. I’m autistic as well and I have learned to mask it around others. I can’t even be true to myself cause I get told it’s wrong. I just wanna have kisses when I get hurt and to be held and feel protected. I was born to be broken since I was a child. I use to dream of getting adopted by a family or heck an older brother when I was young. Just to have someone love me and protect me. Now all my hopes and dreams have been stolen and I feel like my world is falling apart again. Now I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I was born to be broken. Im still a child mentally. My brain hasn’t mature fully. I don’t behave like I should. I stay in my room away from family as much as possible. I don’t have anyone anymore I can trust. I started going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I wish I could turn back time and be a child again and be with a different family just to have what was taking from me. I wanna be able to be someone’s baby boy someday but how can I when I’m so limited to what I can do. Now I take it one day at a time. I was broken to be broken cause I was just a child so young and innocent and couldn’t defend myself and i apologize to my younger self all the time and tell it “hang in there maybe we still have a chance to have friends and a daddy that will love us” I just don’t wanna feel broken anymore…. ( I wasn’t sure to post this here or in trauma support 👉🏻👈🏻)

Omg yes ! I hate feeling pressured to respond fast! I rather just take my time process everything and respond back and not have that rush feeling. I love flowers but I hate that it attracts bees cause they always chase me and sting me or get in my hair . I think they think I’m a flower sometimes 🤭 Daisy is 2 years old and she just the sweetest to me but also very protective to which is a good thing these days. Right now I’m watching this show called The Connors and I love it ! I use to watch Rosanne a lot I didn’t know they made another show it’s pretty cool to see new characters!

I would also rather chat one on one with someone than in a group conversation. Although I also don’t know what to say sometimes in one on one convos. It’s rough in my brain The forum is really nice. Chatting one on one in the dms is nice on here too because I feel like I get more time to think and feel less pressured to respond fast Daisy is an adorable pup name! And those are lovely flowers too. I love flowers in general 😊

You are so welcome 🤗 I see that from what I have been reading and I been slowly trying to interact with others on here as well when I see something I can relate to and share my experience as well. Ah I use to have discord but I got rid of it cause I had a ex on there and he was really toxic and then I had a friend on there that more less got to busy and didn’t have time for me and yeah I just felt like it was better if I didn’t have it . I can understand about keeping up with group conversations. For me I would get way to overwhelmed. I rather have a one on one with someone if that makes sense. So far I really like it here I know I haven’t posted or anything like that much but I find this a really calming place .oooo my dog name is Daisy 🌼 my favorite flowers are lilac's, roses and Lillies

Thank you for the beautiful long message. I enjoyed reading it. You’re very kind. The best part of the forum is that you can be as childlike as you want and need. The active people on here are very nice and supportive. When I made this post I was upset about not being able to keep up with a group conversation on a discord server’s general chat. Because I couldn’t keep up I felt like no one had the chance to get to know me. But I decided that posting in calmer sections of the server would also allow people to get to know me. I’m very excited for spring! My favorite flowers are daisies and sunflowers :3

I feel this on a deep level cause I feel the same way. When I start to trust someone they pull away or I have to block them for my safety and mental health cause they just wanted one thing all the time and it really did more damaged than good for me. I also ask myself the same question but for me it’s why did they have to say those things to me to make me feel like I’m not worth it, is my messages really that emotionless, am I really not a boy cause I like to paint my nails and have a female body and not feeling like I’m enough for anyone to stay. I can assure you that your destiny is to not suffer in loneliness. My mother gave up on me to and both parents neglected me and I barely could see them. I’m so sorry you felt that way as a baby and a child and a toddler. I know all to well what it was like to cry hiding in a home cause you had no where to go or no one that would listen. I was invisible to and I tried to keep it that way as well cause I was scared to tell anyone cause I knew back then they wouldn’t believe me. I know one day you will find a daddy that will love you unconditionally 🥰 I can relate to everything on so much that has happen to me as well and my heart goes out to you 💜 I hope someday someone will make you their priority and give you all the kisses you deserve 😊

Hello 👋 I read this and I been trying to be a little bit more social on here and this touched my heart cause I know the feeling. Before I joined this there was times where that’s all I did was sit and cry because I saw people so happy chatting with each other and talking about all their little gear and going to events and celebrating things in their life and for me watching people getting the chance to transition and I felt the same way. I felt when I was happy and had people chatting with me on a different site they would stop talking to me or kinda leave dry messages cause they said I was to childish and more less made me feel bad cause I didn’t get the chance to experience what they have done. I myself struggle with keeping a conversation going like verbally and it makes others frustrated and I feel the same about needing someone to hold my hand and that’s just not realistic. I feel that to when you said “It’s not realistic because no one’s ever going to remember me in times when they’re happily chatting like that.” For me as you can see I can leave a long message and that can irritate people so I do apologize in advance but I just wanna reach out and share my thoughts and experiences with you so you know you ain’t the only one that feels like this. I never been anyone’s first choice either unfortunately so I can relate to that as well and I feel the same way that nobody is gonna have me in their mind when they are doing anything fun. For years I felt like that to. Like I was just a walking burden to people and I still struggle with that now unfortunately. In a way I can relate to how you feel and I’m so sorry you feel that way 🥺 You sound like a nice person and I wish I could give you a big giant teddy bear hug 🤗 I wish I could send a giant rainbow your way to help you feel a little bit better 🌈 nobody desvers to feel like a burden and it’s sad that’s even a word that even exists to be honest. Trust me I know it’s hard to believe when someone says you aren’t a burden . It’s hard to believe that when you felt like that for so long. I hope one day you will see you aren’t a burden and there are people that do care about you and are glad you are apart of their lives. I really hope things get better for you one day🥰 Im sending you all the pretty smelling flowers I can find and sending them your way and hope that helps as well. For me personally it’s like I’m in my own little world watching this amazing magical world around me and there’s this invisible force of a wall that won’t let me go to the other side where everyone is happy but it’s see through so I can only watch. I also have a hard time keeping up with a conversation when someone replies with “ok” or something like that cause I never know what to say. I also struggle with fitting in to unfortunately and it can be very frustrating and scary trying to find a place where you feel accepted and loved. I do agree with @MasterPhotog when they said “ The right connections often grow in quieter, slower ways, and your way of being in the world has value even if it looks different from others. You deserve friendships where you’re welcomed just as you are, possibly in a one-on-one conversation or messaging to start with. For now, try to be gentle with yourself. This moment of pain doesn’t define your whole story. You’re not a burden at all, but a human being who’s hurting and who deserves understanding, patience, and real connection and those kinds of connections can still find their way to you. 💛” I felt that in my heart and soul and I feel like that a really good way to remember it so thank you for saying that @MasterPhotog If you ever wanna chat @LissyLu I would love to chat with you 🥰 again i apologize for this being so long but I wanted to reach out to you and give you the biggest hugs and stuffies to! I really hope you are doing well and hey just think to spring is gonna be coming as well so the flowers are gonna be in bloom soon. Do you have a favorite flower by the way? Oh gosh this is really long my apologies I send you all the positive vibes your way 🌈🧸☀️

@LissyLu I’m really sorry you’re hurting like this right now. Sitting there and watching others chat while feeling like you can’t join in the way you want to can feel incredibly lonely, and it makes sense that it would bring up a lot of heavy thoughts about where you fit in. Your feelings are real and valid. But the way you’re seeing yourself right now—like a burden or someone people won’t remember—is a really painful story your mind is telling you in this moment of hurt. Feeling slower in conversations or needing more time doesn’t make you less worthy of connection. There are people who appreciate depth, kindness, and presence far more than quick replies. You don’t have to keep up with every conversation to matter to people. The right connections often grow in quieter, slower ways, and your way of being in the world has value even if it looks different from others. You deserve friendships where you’re welcomed just as you are, possibly in a one-on-one conversation or messaging to start with. For now, try to be gentle with yourself. This moment of pain doesn’t define your whole story. You’re not a burden at all, but a human being who’s hurting and who deserves understanding, patience, and real connection. And those kinds of connections can still find their way to you. 💛

I have the same, and the decision fatigue is awful. The meds do help. I will also say I stick to make.list of things I can and cannot manage and then make the rest as easy as possible. Making meals simple by doing meal orders or after work activites as simple as possible ahead of time prevents some of the fatigue. If you ever just want to talk about it feel free to message me.

I remember those feelings. Its hard to feel unlovable and unwanted. This is harder than it sounds, but I found my best friend and late spouse when I decided not to try to be loved anymore. I decided to live.as my true self. I was silly and free. Several people kept walking and that was okay. I found someone who wanted all of me. I encourage you to be your authentic self and learn to love you and the. You will find what you need. Hugs

Julieee - just be yourself. You need to love yourself and there will always be someone who will love you for who you are. Don’t change yourself for someone. Everyone deserves love and will find it. Stay optimistic and good things will happen:)

Hope it went smoothly.

Oh sweetie. I hate that you see yourself that way. I used to feel that way about myself as well. I completely understand it but, to some people you aren't a burden. I am certain of that. If you ever need someone to listen add me and I will listen. I may not always respond right away but. I will respond.