Overview

I have an imaginary one lol he’s called Sebastian

i'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my mom over 20 years ago now and some days I miss her just as much now as I did then, honestly I don't think that ever really stops. The pain just gets a little less raw as time moves on, and being able to remember the good times without crying does get easier! When I'm feeling especially sad and really thinking about her I like to call my brother so that we can talk about her together and remember all the things that we loved, and although it makes me a little sad it also makes me feel better digging into all the happy memories. Hang in there sweetie sending big hugs your way!

Losing someone that means so much to you is so heartbreaking. Your poem touched my heart, im sorry you had to experience this heartache.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s beautiful and soul baring. ♥️

This is just a poem I made now because I'm feeling a little sad and tired and I miss someone who usually made me feel better during these times. I'm sure someone relates to this, so I wanted to share the sadness✨

When I was single I wouldn't buy myself anything on Valentine's day, instead wait for the day after and buy the chocolate half off, then grab a glass of chocolate milk and watch funny rom-coms. I was alone for a very long time, Valentines day for me meant Half off chocolate the next day. Now can it be hard for others, yes absolutely. Seeing all the other happy couples makes you feel even more alone. That's why I love this community, because even if you are alone on Valentine's day you aren't really alone because there are so many people who will talk to you and make you feel special. Don't let a holiday marketed by a corporation make you feel undeserving of love. Because that's not the case, Valentine's day was originally to celebrate Saint Valentine. He was a noble priest in Rome and buried on Feb 14, people would come out to celebrate his death and honor him. When of course it was commercialized by corporations in the 19th century and boom Valentine's day. In my opinion we deserve love 24/7 not just on one day, because each and everyone of us our amazing, beautiful and phenomenal.

I usually skip the fancy stuff and just cook a cozy dinner together or watch our favorite movie. Makes it feel more relaxed and special without all the pressure.

Also, if you’ve never heard of Bug Hunter, so cute. I love his songs.

I had never thought of it that way, but you all put words on how I feel. I do have an internal CG! That’s soooooo helpful to realize. For me, it feels like a soothing voice inside my head that helps me take one thing at a time, reminds me to take breaks and to take care of myself. If I had to describe it, I would say my internal caregiver is more like an older (and wiser) version of myself, taking care of my actual self. Thank you all for this topic and all of your replies ❤️

New soul by Yael Naim makes me feel so much. The wonder and curiosity of new things, the mistakes we inevitably make exploring and a feeling of safety from being taken away from it all

I don’t think anyone, not a loved one, friend or even a therapist, has the right to tell you how you “should” heal. If someone is telling you shoulds or musts, you don’t need to let that in. YOU are the expert of your own experience. You lived it, you survived it and you still carry the scars of it. You are the one who knows your body and self the best. Your own intuition to what your healing needs will always be stronger than anyone outside you. Can people act as guides and helpers, absolutely! But even as a trauma therapist I never speak like an expert to someone I’m working with. I never tell them “this is needed to heal”. I offer that healing is different for everyone, and these are some options or things some people connect to or find helpful in their journey. What I will offer, is that for some people forgiveness is part of the journey. And for others not. There’s no right or wrong here. I absolutely do not think you have to forgive someone who was abusive. And you certainly don’t need to forgive someone who created harm for you and your tiny humans. You are allowed to be protective mama bear for life!!! Instead of forgiveness, I find some survivors find it helpful to actually fully feel and lean into their anger, process it. Allow it. Anger is a cue for boundaries. It can motivate us to create change. It’s a powerful voice in healing. Sometimes I like to remind people that feeling anger is really good. Because it means a part of you recognizes that crap was so not okay and that part of you is wanting to protect you. And for many of us, we didn’t get to do that when we were younger. Anger can be a step towards empowerment. I find, sometimes people who push forgiveness (not always, some there is genuine care there) can be uncomfortable with the truths of trauma or anger. They sometimes want you to “forgive and forget”, move on. But what they really mean is, “please make me less uncomfortable by hiding your truths better because I don’t know how to emotionally handle them”. So if you need alternative voices, I say, screw forgiveness if that is what you want! I will say that alternative work to forgives is letting go of resentment. We can’t do this though until we fully process the hurt and the anger. We in no way need to forgive, but for many, if we don’t process the feelings of resentment, that feeling can hurt us. I once had resentment described as holding a burning hot coal for years, waiting to throw it at the other person. That stuck with me. So for some of the people I work with, and for myself, we learned how to drop the coal. Does that make sense? Anyway, you go ahead and feel exactly how you feel, and heal however works for you ♥️

Thank you so much! Wow, this is so helpful and gives me a lot more information on what I wanted to know about! It reassures me a bit, that you had also worried you may get caught up in feelings in that kind of situation and you didn't. I'm so clingy😭and I feel like I'd probably start to feel attracted to someone if they could handle me and my craziness (whether it be my personality or my struggles with consistency when it comes to maintaining good habits), but hmm I do kind of hope I can form a platonic relationship/dynamic. The romantic ones just fizzle out so quickly! The dynamic you had sounds so beautiful! I'm not exaggerating, I almost cried reading it because it sounded so supportive and sweet and I almost couldn't fathom that that could happen in a purely platonic dynamic. Would it be okay for me to privately message you asking more questions about the dynamic you had and a temporary dynamic in general? Clear communication! The powerhouse of all the best relationships! And yes, it helped me so much! Thank you❤️

Trigger warnings: themes of abuse I just wanted to reach out and connect to let you know there are absolutely people here who hear you and how hard all these pieces are. Ghosting (unless we are talking putting on a ghostly costume and going booooo) can be so harmful. I often have to hold friends or clients when they experience this from others. It’s sad how often it is. Most people don’t do well with either conflict, or endings. They are hard and so they are avoided. And unfortunately the internet makes it really easy to avoid. Even a simple ‘I don’t feel the connection but I wish you the best’ is avoided. For myself, I try to remember most of it is anxious avoidance on the parts of others, from their own wounded parts. Aaaand sometimes it’s just plain inconsiderateness. But it is completely reasonable that it hurts you, and that you expect more. You deserve to be treated with integrity. You have the right to ask for that. And I’m so sorry your experiencing it. I wanted to offer that having a temporary caregiver (or some pre set boundaries) for some, is a beautiful option. Especially in windows of time when you know you’re going to be in the grind and need that extra voice to help you. For myself, because of the trauma I grew up in, I didn’t date at all when I was younger. I was very terrified of men. In university the first dynamic I ever connected to was a discipline dom, with no romantic or sexual elements. Totally platonic. He was married and deeply in love with his non-kinky wife. She loved him and gave him permission to connect in non sexual dynamics. She became close friends of mine. And having him was the first time in my life I started really taking care of myself and it moved me towards therapy and a lot of amazing healing. He was a caregiver to me in many ways. It allowed me to be my best self in school. And he was the first man who taught me men can be safe. I got to witness his beautiful love for his partner and how happy they were. With his support, I eventually started dating for the first time and connected to my first personal/dynamic relationship. I even talked to him about how I would know when I was ready and felt safe enough to have consensual sex with my first partner. In terms of how we did it, I had rules and a system of punishments/rewards, we met at least every two weeks for dynamic, talked often in chat, but we also just did things for friendship and bonding. And I became a part of their friend group and actually met my first partner/daddy through that. Keeping it platonic was not difficult for either of us. And it fed both of us what we needed. We both needed that boundary. And it even supported his marriage. And we ended it naturally when it came time and remained friends. In the beginning I used to feel worried about me getting so much out of our connection, and somehow “using” him. But he loved to remind me just how deeply good it feels for him to be needed. And how the same way it soothes me, it soothes him. I also wasn’t sure of if I could be in a dynamic and not, well…fall in love? Or get mixed up by feelings. But for us it worked. I did love him, as a friend and as a caregiver. But that never shifted into anything else. I think the thing that really helped us. Is we both wanted the same boundaries. And we were able to be very clear and communicative from the very beginning. I hope this helps a little bit to normalize what you are maybe looking for right now. And I’m sure others in this space have wisdom or stories too. It’s completely okay to do things temporary and/or platonic however you need. It would be your dynamic. There is no one way or right way to do this stuff. ♥️

Like, what do we mean by forgiveness? Cuz if someone did those things to me I would be hurt just thinking about it for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want that person to be around so they could possibly hurt me again..... So, what does forgiveness look like? For me it would mean wishing that person peace and whatever else their karma brings them and letting them go. Hugs, sounds like he's a really hurtful person and it must be hard to explain the complex situation to your kiddo.

i'm sorry you're having a rough go of it and I can understand how all of that is frustrating! There is a club here called it takes a village, and people there are happy to help out and give reminders anytime you need them! But should you just like a friend you're welcome to reach out to me anytime! Sending big hugs!

TW: talks about ghosting, a vague mention of sex I suppose. This is a bit of a vent, but also I'm too tired to vent cos it's kind of late here. (It's close to 1 a.m. but I've period insomnia) I wish people didn't ghost me if they wished to stop talking. One or two people is okay, I can handle that and it won't bother me. But three or four people? And considering you all supposedly read my Personal, in which I explain that I view ghosting as a sign of disrespect, just goes to show that you don't care! So it's probably for the better. These people don't owe me anything anyway so why do I expect them to respect my wishes? Maybe it's because I assume that if they're looking for a dynamic, they're actually partly interested or care about the person they initiate communicate with. But maybe, when I look at their profile page and I see that they're just following everyone who breathes oxygen and kind of spamming pretty much the same message under every second Personal, then I should assume they haven't actually read the Personals properly and could care less. Whatever happened to courting? It hurts because of hormones and it hurts because I don't even understand why. Why would you treat someone with such disrespect when they've done nothing? Is it so hard to just send a single sentence saying that the dynamic won't work out for some reason? You don't even have to give a reason, just a notice rather than be a coward. I'm not even bothered because I want a relationship deeply or because I feel like I'm unlovable or not enough or something (which would be the case if this was a past version of me). I'm bothered, because YOU texted ME! I wouldn't have even known you exist otherwise. Does it not stand to reason that you should also explain why you changed your mind or that you don't feel the dynamic would work? What is even expected, am I supposed to write paragraphs vying for the person's love or something? Or am I supposed to write short messages? I honestly don't get why there would be a reason to ghost someone after a mere five messages when I haven't even disclosed much information about myself (other than what was on my Personal, which I would assume is extensive enough for them to not be off-put after five messages with me). Anyways Sigh* This has only been a problem this month specifically, I don't know if it's new people or if it's just really busy people or what. In other news, I'm going to take down my current Personal (with the help of shadowrider) and put up a new temporary Personal for a temporary CG so that I can hopefully remember to eat and stay alive for the next month or grind season (I mean in terms of studying, you horny weirdos....). I'm kind of wondering if it's the period talking, I've never thought I'd want or need a temporary CG before, I never quite gotten the point of it-and as a person that has some fear of abandonment issues, it had never seemed appealing to me before. However, I doubt I'm going to find my long term CG anytime soon, and even if I did I'd rather focus on building a connection or chemistry with them first before introducing rules and structure. I'm kind of anxious. This whole 'temporary' thing is completely new territory for me-it doesn't really suit whatever vibe I have going on (which is pure chaos I assume). I know I'd definitely have limitations on sexual things-I wouldn't want that involved in a 'casual' dynamic. I guess I might have limitations on romantic stuff? I don't know, I feel like that would be confusing for me if I need the person to help me with rules and structure only. But at the same time, I don't want to use anybody so I assume it might be a little crazy to have a bit of a platonic thing going on with a CG. Or maybe not, I don't know. How do you even do that? Do you type like you're at work or something? 😭as you can see, I am already bad at this. If you have any tips or thoughts on any of that, please let me know. Thanks for reading, your time and any empathy or support you send me. Right back at ya!

One of my go-to ones for difficult times is "I can do hard things" and from the Melissa Ferrick song "Everything I need is right here in my hands". In my littlespace, I often use "I'm happy to be me!" Affirmations are so soothing and helpful 💗 This topic is great, love it!

That's one of the reasons I became a Mommy Dom, because I wanted to feel the love I never received and to be able to love those around me. We all deserve love and we are worthy of being loved. When I was single I would talk to myself the way I would a little, because I needed a reminder that I wasn't broken and I definitely wasn't bad. What a beautiful community we truly have here ❤️

I love this, I always thought it was weird I wouldn't take care of myself without my internal cg telling me to. It just feels depressing until then. When I was single, it felt more like a mothering side of me but now I picture it coming sweetly from my fiancé. It makes me happy to imagine but sad if I think about it too much because he would ever say those things. I'm happy with acceptance though, I don't need him to participate even if I'd like him to. But maybe one day... 🙂

You don't. You use the knowledge you've learned to recognize tactics and cycles. This is how you avoid future bad behavior- getting out before the behavior gets worse. Unless this man has genuinely apologized and bent backwards to right his wrongs, forgiveness is absofuckinlutely not required by you or anybody else he's victimized. I'm a strong believer in FAFO. Actions do have consequences. There are other more meaningful ways to heal, that don't require you to become a pacifist. Utilize your coping mechanisms, positive hobbies, and the people in your life that bring you joy.

only you know what's in your heart and what feels right for YOU. Just know you don't "have" to do anything other than love yourself, and love your daughter! Big hugs my friend!

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him

I just have to say, I felt this moment of awe reading this thread, the collective creativity, vulnerability and wisdom is just beautiful. It can be so powerful when we connect to our inner child work, especially through an IFS lens or any way where we internalize a caregiving energy/role or reparent ourself through our adult ego state. I did many years of IFS with EMDR in my own trauma therapy journey. And I definitely needed the creation of an internal caregiver part. I learned to be able to listen to that part’s soothing and guiding voice when needed, and they are always in my imagined safe space when I need it. I’ve noticed over the years that they got me through periods of being alone as sub/littles too. Like it was this part of me that reminded me to eat or take good care of myself. I actually went out and got a stuff bear Mr. Top, like a gift from this part of myself. I’ve had Mr Top for about 18 years, through different relationships. But this internal caregiver part is a consistent that never goes away. Since being with my Daddy, he added a voice message into my bear from him. But he still ultimately represents the part of myself that will never abandon me. ♥️

This song always makes me think of the way I hope to show up for friends and loved ones when they need it, the people I serve in healing, or my own parts of self. *laughs* Although I don’t always like the problematic language of rescue…the feeling of the song still doesn’t for me

For me that internal caregiver feels like when I allow myself grace and radical self-acceptance 💗 and when I listen to my body's needs and choose to meet them, like a supportive friend 💗 I love this topic!